Adding a little clarity...

Ok I promised a little clarity even though from the lack of comments on that post I doubt anyone read it anyway. Regardless it helps to write. This has been a hard journey. I hated myself before because I didn't fit. I went through this whole thing hoping to find that fit I so wanted, and yet still can't seem to find it.Maybe there is no true fit for me, maybe nobody really fits anyway and this is how I'm supposed to feel. I just have gone on a little bit more of an intense journey looking for that fit than most people do.

I also went very slow hoping that through this the one thing I knew in my life that did fit,being with Co, would work itself out, love would conquer all. I waited 5 years giving her space to find herself and see if we could work things out. Well I got tired of waiting and spoke to her about how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at things she is at a place in her life where she needs to figure out some stuff before she can entertain trying to go down that road. Now here I am where she was when I was trying to find my happy and it sucks. Two people who love each other deeply on this odd twisting journey, unsure that our paths will meet where we can both be happy. The good thing is she loves me, she tells me every day and she is open to trying depending on what she finds on her journey. I just want her to find happy for her and hope that I can be that person to fill the void in her life, that would make me happy. I know it sounds sick in a way to find worth in making someone else happy, but that to me is love. She has stood by me as I did this thing that gave her every right to run away, yet she has stayed in some capacity. I can't give up on love yet, I have never loved anyone like I love her, which is why this journey was so difficult. I had to try and better myself so I could be a good person who liked themself so I could be that for her. It's hard to be there for someone else if you can't be there for yourself.

So here I sit on a precipice not sure of where the cards are going to fall. I hope and pray that they fall where I want. I can't see in reality our relationship continuing the way it has if it doesn't. I can't see being able to have the long heart to heart talks we have if she is with someone else, or myself with someone else. Relationships are hard work and we won't be able to be there for each other as we are now if we are working on a relationship with someone else. I don't want that to end, it is the lighthouse that has kept me going through all this. Yes I've hit the rocks once or twice but I at least had some warning. I don't know what I'll do if it ends with us apart, I don't think I could ever open myself to love again, it hurts too much. I would do anything for her, as I know she would for me. All I can do for now is take one day at a time, work on my side of things and hope with all my heart things work out. If it doesn't life will go on somehow, someway, I just hope I'm strong enough for that transition. Like I said through all this that was the only fit I had, it will be hard to give that up for good.

Love to all and of course take care...