14 days to go and I'm tense but focused to say the least. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and trying to keep going. I stopped my spiro early and pop went the weight, 7lbs in one week gained, not happy at all. I've been rollerblading allot lately so hopefully it's muscle, over the weekend I did about 9 miles so it could be. Today I go see my gp for a physical so I can be cleared for surgery. I'm so afraid something will come up and I won't be cleared. Yet I know people heavier than me and who have had cancer that have had surgery a mile up and they came out ok, so I should be ok. Tomorrow I go see my endo and get a shot of T to help me toughen up for surgery. I can't wait for all this shit to be over.
God is keeping the humor in things lately as well, at least he's laughing. At my part time job I had to help one of my ex-line mates from my old hockey team. We played for a year or two together on the same line back in the day before I took to blades. I don't think he recognised me, thank God. I guess I've changed more than I give myself credit for.
There are other things going on with tieing up loose ends but I can't go into them right now. I'm just trying to leave no regrets behind. I need this to be as clean as a change as possible with the least amount of pain for all involved.
Oh shit gotta run, hopefully this will be the last time I will have to turn my head and cough.
Love to all and of course take care.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
The times they are a changing....
With surgery rapidly approaching I find myself looking at life at surgery and I am starting to wonder how many other things will change in my life afterwards. For so long I've been so good at doing stuff because I had to reach my goal. But what happens when "have to" disappears. I won't "have to" do anything. I've been so focused on this one goal for so long and it has kept me going so strong I'm afraid that once it's gone my drive will be as well.
Maybe I'm wrong and my strong protestant work ethic has gotten me used to working 70 hours a week, and going without much of a social life. Maybe I have the fortitude that lets me go beyond what most normal people do. I don't think so, in fact I feel ashamed most of the time that I don't do more even though I know I do more than many people. I consider myself lazy even though I work 2 jobs and don't shy away from work. I just feel I can always do more because I haven't passed out yet. I don't know why I feel this way I just do. Is my drive caused by my desire to work towards my goal? Is it the testosterone that soon will no longer be in my system, or is it in my blood and I will continue to have the same drive?
Hopefully my drive will stay with me. I have potential to do so much more with my life than I am currently doing. I would rather look back at all the things I got accomplished at the end of my days rather than anguish over all I didn't. The times they are a changing and soon "have to" will go the way of the dinosaurs. Hopefully my drive and determination won't go with it.
Hugs and enjoy......
The Times They Are a Changing
Bob Dylan
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
Maybe I'm wrong and my strong protestant work ethic has gotten me used to working 70 hours a week, and going without much of a social life. Maybe I have the fortitude that lets me go beyond what most normal people do. I don't think so, in fact I feel ashamed most of the time that I don't do more even though I know I do more than many people. I consider myself lazy even though I work 2 jobs and don't shy away from work. I just feel I can always do more because I haven't passed out yet. I don't know why I feel this way I just do. Is my drive caused by my desire to work towards my goal? Is it the testosterone that soon will no longer be in my system, or is it in my blood and I will continue to have the same drive?
Hopefully my drive will stay with me. I have potential to do so much more with my life than I am currently doing. I would rather look back at all the things I got accomplished at the end of my days rather than anguish over all I didn't. The times they are a changing and soon "have to" will go the way of the dinosaurs. Hopefully my drive and determination won't go with it.
Hugs and enjoy......
The Times They Are a Changing
Bob Dylan
Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Solitude...
My social life really sucks as of late. Yes I had a date, with a psycho, but then again it seems I attract allot of them in my life. The guy won't leave me alone at work, and he hasn't gotten the hint yet. I must really suck at communicating, I have a history of dealing with people who couldn't get the hint, and yet I think I can write a book that is going to sell? Maybe I should reconsider since I have trouble making certain people understand.
On the flip side of things I have been very lonely as of late. I had plans to have supper with Co and the kids Friday night, but her mom decided to a last minute dinner for her brother who is moving away. So no dice, I did get to go out to dinner with Court and Kozi though after we watched poor Court get some new ink. The kids came over after, but were gone early the next day to say their final goodbye to her brother. I feel for her, and will miss him too. I never got to talk to him after my transition, so I don't know he felt, and of course don't get the option of saying goodbye and goodluck. Court went to a party, I went to work after spending most of the day alone again. Today I went to work, and am spending the night alone again. It seems as of late either I am working or nobody is around. It sucks and I hate it to death. Even when I make plans something always seems to come up or the person I had plans with forgets and is off doing shit with someone else. I have surgery coming up soon, and even though the chance is a small one there is still a chance I don't come out of it. More than ever I want and need to be around people to keep me calm, and keep me from thinking about all the bad shit that can happen. But when I need companionship the most it seems to be the most fleeting. Psycho coworkers are the exception of course. If I am short for this earth I don't need my last few weeks on it to be spent by myself wanting for company. Even if my days are long I don't like spending my time like that. I was going to have my pre-pussy party but even that doesn't work out. The day I can do it co-incides with a big music fest a couple of the people go to and the support group picnic. Oh well maybe I'll try after surgery, I'll have more to celebrate then. Oh well I have laundry to do, a wig to wash and some tears to cry. Until next time here's a song for your reading pleasure about my feeling low right now....
Elanor Rigby
The Beatles
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Elanor Rigby picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been
lives in a dream
waits at the window, wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
who is it for?
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
what does he care?
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Elanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
nobody came
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
no one was saved
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
On the flip side of things I have been very lonely as of late. I had plans to have supper with Co and the kids Friday night, but her mom decided to a last minute dinner for her brother who is moving away. So no dice, I did get to go out to dinner with Court and Kozi though after we watched poor Court get some new ink. The kids came over after, but were gone early the next day to say their final goodbye to her brother. I feel for her, and will miss him too. I never got to talk to him after my transition, so I don't know he felt, and of course don't get the option of saying goodbye and goodluck. Court went to a party, I went to work after spending most of the day alone again. Today I went to work, and am spending the night alone again. It seems as of late either I am working or nobody is around. It sucks and I hate it to death. Even when I make plans something always seems to come up or the person I had plans with forgets and is off doing shit with someone else. I have surgery coming up soon, and even though the chance is a small one there is still a chance I don't come out of it. More than ever I want and need to be around people to keep me calm, and keep me from thinking about all the bad shit that can happen. But when I need companionship the most it seems to be the most fleeting. Psycho coworkers are the exception of course. If I am short for this earth I don't need my last few weeks on it to be spent by myself wanting for company. Even if my days are long I don't like spending my time like that. I was going to have my pre-pussy party but even that doesn't work out. The day I can do it co-incides with a big music fest a couple of the people go to and the support group picnic. Oh well maybe I'll try after surgery, I'll have more to celebrate then. Oh well I have laundry to do, a wig to wash and some tears to cry. Until next time here's a song for your reading pleasure about my feeling low right now....
Elanor Rigby
The Beatles
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Elanor Rigby picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been
lives in a dream
waits at the window, wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
who is it for?
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
what does he care?
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Elanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
nobody came
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
no one was saved
All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
You butthole....
Pepper
The Butthole Surfers
Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Cherese
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
I don't mind the sun most of the time and you do never know how you look through other people's eyes. Things are progressing and life is still weird, and getting weirder. There has been this guy at my night job who has been very friendly and actually asked me to go for a drink after work. Now me not being one to want to drink said I would have a soda, and decided to go. I figured why not, he seems nice and harmless, and I am an experience junkie. I've been so cautious about dealing with men since my transition, I keep forgetting other people don't see what I see in the mirror. They see what appears to be a normal looking, yet odd, woman where I see the man I used to live as. I don't know if that will ever change, but I know it won't if I don't try to help things along, so I figured a date would do me good.
It was a friendly date more than a romantic one. We went to a local brew/steak restaurant, split an order of nachos and each got a soda, and we talked. Hell we talked for almost 2 hours. We have allot in common (ok put you jokes here) and it was nice to talk to a man like that. He scared the shit out of me too. My cover story at that job is that I'm going for knee surgery not srs. Well I was so much in the conversation I forgot he didn't know since it seemed like I knew him forever,anyway he told me he wanted to help take care of me when I was recovering and he would help change my bandages. Now you can imagine the color my face turned since I was thinking my new equipment even though he was talking my knee. It took a moment to recompose myself and I told him it wouldn't be a big bandage,but I appreciated his concern. Then of course there was the very akward moment when it was time to say goodbye. I felt my throat drop to my stomach as I feared he was going to try and kiss me goodnight. That would have been too much, too fast. Luckily he's a true gentleman and we shared a friendly hug as our goodbye.
I haven't been sure how I was going to relate to men in a woman to man relationship but I think I did ok. I'm not looking for things to go further than friends right now, but I'm not sure his intentions. I gave him my email and he sent me an email the same night and another longer one yesterday telling me he wanted to see me again. I have to remember to be cautious, surgery is coming up I could use a little diversion, but I also have to keep things in check. I like this guy as a friend, but I don't know about things going further. I haven't really been attracted to men at all, not to mention how the hell do you explain things. No matter who I get involved with I have some `splaining to do. You cannot build a relationship on a lie, and I cannot in good faith lie to someone I want to go the next step with, at least not such a big one. Hopefully I can find a person with a mind that is open enough to accept me for me. Regardless I had a fun night and have a new friend. Maybe the experience and our friendship over time will help me sort out my feelings and my future.
Love to all and of course take care.
The Butthole Surfers
Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Cherese
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain
I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes
I don't mind the sun most of the time and you do never know how you look through other people's eyes. Things are progressing and life is still weird, and getting weirder. There has been this guy at my night job who has been very friendly and actually asked me to go for a drink after work. Now me not being one to want to drink said I would have a soda, and decided to go. I figured why not, he seems nice and harmless, and I am an experience junkie. I've been so cautious about dealing with men since my transition, I keep forgetting other people don't see what I see in the mirror. They see what appears to be a normal looking, yet odd, woman where I see the man I used to live as. I don't know if that will ever change, but I know it won't if I don't try to help things along, so I figured a date would do me good.
It was a friendly date more than a romantic one. We went to a local brew/steak restaurant, split an order of nachos and each got a soda, and we talked. Hell we talked for almost 2 hours. We have allot in common (ok put you jokes here) and it was nice to talk to a man like that. He scared the shit out of me too. My cover story at that job is that I'm going for knee surgery not srs. Well I was so much in the conversation I forgot he didn't know since it seemed like I knew him forever,anyway he told me he wanted to help take care of me when I was recovering and he would help change my bandages. Now you can imagine the color my face turned since I was thinking my new equipment even though he was talking my knee. It took a moment to recompose myself and I told him it wouldn't be a big bandage,but I appreciated his concern. Then of course there was the very akward moment when it was time to say goodbye. I felt my throat drop to my stomach as I feared he was going to try and kiss me goodnight. That would have been too much, too fast. Luckily he's a true gentleman and we shared a friendly hug as our goodbye.
I haven't been sure how I was going to relate to men in a woman to man relationship but I think I did ok. I'm not looking for things to go further than friends right now, but I'm not sure his intentions. I gave him my email and he sent me an email the same night and another longer one yesterday telling me he wanted to see me again. I have to remember to be cautious, surgery is coming up I could use a little diversion, but I also have to keep things in check. I like this guy as a friend, but I don't know about things going further. I haven't really been attracted to men at all, not to mention how the hell do you explain things. No matter who I get involved with I have some `splaining to do. You cannot build a relationship on a lie, and I cannot in good faith lie to someone I want to go the next step with, at least not such a big one. Hopefully I can find a person with a mind that is open enough to accept me for me. Regardless I had a fun night and have a new friend. Maybe the experience and our friendship over time will help me sort out my feelings and my future.
Love to all and of course take care.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Born to fly...
I've been antsy of late to say the least. So much is happening so fast and I can't believe my struggle is coming to a head in about a month. While I can never take back all the hurt, all the nights I cried myself to sleep and all the night I prayed unanswered prayers to God to fix me, I can fix the here and now and the future. While I won't be magically healed I will be one step closer towards that goal we all have in life, but few achieve.
Things have accelerated lately, and as of now I have officially paid for my surgery. I just sent the 2nd half of the money for stage one yesterday to my Dr. I was overwhelmed when I realized this important milestone, but remembered there is still much to be done. I just got a message from my GP's office that my insurance isn't covering my stress test so it will be out of pocket, oh well it was worth a shot. Of course there is the matter of not having my dilators yet that I've paid for. I also sent her a letter letting her know that if I don't have them by a certain date we will be forced to start legal action. I had to know that the last little bit wouldn't be any easier than the rest of the struggle. Just as down deep I knew that if I kept going I'd get where I wanted to be. I've kept that faith for the most part, except for that little episode in '04 and that almost killed me. I knew that I'd get here and that I was born to fly.
SARA EVANS
Born To Fly
(Sara Evans/Marcus Hummon/Darrell Scott)
I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me
So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time
But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly
My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run
Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free
Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly
So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly
Things have accelerated lately, and as of now I have officially paid for my surgery. I just sent the 2nd half of the money for stage one yesterday to my Dr. I was overwhelmed when I realized this important milestone, but remembered there is still much to be done. I just got a message from my GP's office that my insurance isn't covering my stress test so it will be out of pocket, oh well it was worth a shot. Of course there is the matter of not having my dilators yet that I've paid for. I also sent her a letter letting her know that if I don't have them by a certain date we will be forced to start legal action. I had to know that the last little bit wouldn't be any easier than the rest of the struggle. Just as down deep I knew that if I kept going I'd get where I wanted to be. I've kept that faith for the most part, except for that little episode in '04 and that almost killed me. I knew that I'd get here and that I was born to fly.
SARA EVANS
Born To Fly
(Sara Evans/Marcus Hummon/Darrell Scott)
I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me
So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time
But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly
My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run
Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free
Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly
So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Looking back, moving forward...
I decided to spend the entire day yesterday with the fam, and skip things like blogging, and throwing a party. It had been tradition for awhile for holding a picnic on the 4th, not only to celebrate the holiday, but also the anniversary of me asking Co out. I guess it was part celebration and part keeping an environment open for the same to happen to someone else. Co and I decided to go out at someone else's 4th of July picnic, and it's been interesting since to say the least.The other part of it was I'm suffering from an upper respiratory infection. With all the wet weather we've had I think I got a dose of mold at work where half the people are sick with similar symptoms. So with not feeling good I figured it would be prudent to go hang at the beach. We had other plans for after that but my daughter put a kibosh on that with a temper tantrum she threw at the beach.
It's hard at times to look back and see what Co and I have lost in the way things used to be. But on the other hand when you look at what we still have and share it's mind-blowing. Nobody I know in the same situation we are in get along as well. We are probably closer friends now then when we were married. Yes the sex is out of our life since she isn't into chicks, but while I may be hurt by the lack of attraction I can understand.
As things move forward I hope she will continue to be my best friend. It's only 6 weeks from this last Monday until I go under the blade. Shit's coming up quickly and I know it will be tough on both of us as things finally happen. In another strange turn of events I've been asked out by a guy, not on a real date, but out for a beer. He's a nice guy with a little off center sense of humor which is a perfect fit for me, if I was looking for that. For now I'll go out have a soda(won't drink beer) and see how it is trying to be friends with a straight male as a woman. I'm not looking for a straight relationship right now, if that is even what it would be called. I'm too afraid of consequences about how to tell the person about my past, and how they may react. I can't hide it, that shit only makes things worse. So it's going to be awhile before this gal has any relations with anyone new. Not to mention it will be 8 weeks after surgery or 14 weeks from now (God willing) before I could even use my pending new equipment.
Anyway lots of tangents, little focus, story of my life. Gotta go hope you all had safe and joyous 4th of July.
Love to all and of course take care.
It's hard at times to look back and see what Co and I have lost in the way things used to be. But on the other hand when you look at what we still have and share it's mind-blowing. Nobody I know in the same situation we are in get along as well. We are probably closer friends now then when we were married. Yes the sex is out of our life since she isn't into chicks, but while I may be hurt by the lack of attraction I can understand.
As things move forward I hope she will continue to be my best friend. It's only 6 weeks from this last Monday until I go under the blade. Shit's coming up quickly and I know it will be tough on both of us as things finally happen. In another strange turn of events I've been asked out by a guy, not on a real date, but out for a beer. He's a nice guy with a little off center sense of humor which is a perfect fit for me, if I was looking for that. For now I'll go out have a soda(won't drink beer) and see how it is trying to be friends with a straight male as a woman. I'm not looking for a straight relationship right now, if that is even what it would be called. I'm too afraid of consequences about how to tell the person about my past, and how they may react. I can't hide it, that shit only makes things worse. So it's going to be awhile before this gal has any relations with anyone new. Not to mention it will be 8 weeks after surgery or 14 weeks from now (God willing) before I could even use my pending new equipment.
Anyway lots of tangents, little focus, story of my life. Gotta go hope you all had safe and joyous 4th of July.
Love to all and of course take care.
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