Just need to rant...

Well things overall are going ok, I just need to rant about those things that aren't right now. I know things could be worse but to be dealing with some of this stuff years after my transition is frustrating. You see my favorite aunt on my dad's side is very ill, and nobody on my dad's side knows that I am now Ashley, they still think I'm good old Scott. I've offered to send out Christmas letters, or other ways to come out to the members of his family that matter, and he has been against it. I love my dad so I've listened like a good girl, but now here we are with a situation that one of my loved ones is ill and isn't going to come out of it, and I feel so powerless. I feel like somehow I'm supposed to feel ashamed for what I am, why else hide it from your own family? But I refuse to feel ashamed for being something I am proud of surviving. My dad said he would talk to my uncle and aunt about the whole thing so I could go see her before it was too late. Luckily my sister thought my dad had already spoken to them and inadvertantly spilled the beans. Whether or not her intentions were good or not one will never know,I have a feeling she was telling them hoping they would have a problem with it like she does. I'm sure with her telling the tale she put it in not the best light, but I got a call from dad yesterday giving me the go ahead for going to visit her, they are ok with it. The only problem is now, I'm sick with a sinus infection and have to wait a few days so the meds can kick in, which brings us to rant #2.

I've had the same doctor since I was 18, he's been good to me over the years, and after finding out about my trans issues offered his help in any way. That was until I tried to get him to pull out my stitches, yeah any way but that. Yesterday I had to go see him for the first time since after my surgery last year, I've had a very healthy year indeed. Well I call, and his receptionist gives me a tude, which is normal for her I guess, but when I see the good doc, he has a tude too. No questions on how I'm healing, how I've been, doing etc. No apologies for canceling my appointment to take out my stitches when I was on my way to his office. No small talk at all trans or otherwise. I know he has another trans patient who is pre op last I knew, you'd think he might want some info for that patient, nope, nadda, nothing. "Yep, your sick, here's a prescription, here's a note for work, give me your $30 and get out." I think it may be time to start looking for a new doctor, one who's mouth doesn't write checks his ass can't cash.

Speaking of checks, ah forget it, don't want to bitch about work here too much, might be that last bit of information completing the puzzle which blows my cover. Let's just say there are some people that shouldn't be in the position they are in corporate america. You know the kind where you can tell if they are lieing because their lips are in motion.

Anyway I apologize for barely touching base on some of this shit, I'm still under the weather and not at my best this morning.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Dealing with guilt and the lesbianism of George Clooney...

Fathers day for me this year is bringing guilt for some reason. For the few years I was a father before my transition I was so proud on father's day. I was a proud pappa to say the least, I was a provider for my family, I was there when the kids were born, even assisting in my sons birth. I still have the t-shirts I made for both of my kids births with their footprints on the back. I was a good husband(I think) and was an all around good, yet miserable inside, guy. Now a few years latter and a feel as a failure as a parent. I get to see my kids on the weekend, I'm hardly making ends meet and not able to do what I'd like to do for my kids. I'm biologically their father, but now physically female, which of course ruins the whole good husband thingy. I feel both left out of what once was my close family unit and guilty like I've let them down somehow just because I couldn't somehow find a way to make it as a man. I know it's a catch 22, this is what was dealt for me and I really had no control over it, but I feel like I've dragged them into this along with me.

My son graduated from preschool the other day and to celebrate Co took them to Chuck e cheese. I didn't go since my mother in law was going too, and we haven't talked since Co and I sold the house. I really didn't think it was the time or the place to see her for the first time post transition since it was a celebration for my son, but I still felt so left out. My daughter just finished her school year as well and for her good report card and making it to the 4th grade I'm going to take the imitative and take her to a CT Sun game this week. That way I get to plan the whole thing and not have to worry about upsetting other people. I'll have to figure a way to celebrate with my son down the road. I'm just hoping these blahs go away after father's day.

As for the George Clooney reference, I went out with the girls after our last softball game and got involved in a really odd conversation for me. I'm used to the guys talking about hot chicks at the bar after a game, but not the girls. Well all the girls I went out with the other night play for the other team so to speak and they got to talking about hot chicks (really I'm not lieing lesbians playing softball.) I was a little uneasy at first not knowing what to say, but soon I joined in with my choices as well. As the conversation went on it turned to the question of what male celebrity would you have sex with, and George Clooney was an overwhelming favorite. I was amazed as he is one of the males I find myself attracted to as well. What is it about him we may never know, but 4 out of 5 lesbians that would consider sex with a man agree that they'd have sex with George Clooney, with or without the Dentene...

Love to all and of course take care...