Christmas carols?...

This time of year you hear so many Christmas songs where ever you seem to go. Well other than the classics ther is one that says it all. This song is great not only about Christmas but in life in general. In a time where we see so much want about we need to think that no matter what we seem to get what is truely important in life. This past year I finally got what I truely wanted for so long and found out it was what I needed as well. While I would have prefered different circumstances, maybe a more elagant recovery situation, or even more work done, I do have to say looking back it was exactly what I needed.

You can't always get what you want...
The Rolling Stones

I saw her today at a reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"
I said to him

You can't always get what you want, no!
You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)
You can't always get what you want (no)
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh yes! Woo!

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!
Oh yeah!

I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need, ah yes...

Not in love with life right now...

Work has been a little tough the last couple of days. Such is life in the life of retail. It's no big deal, but work has been such a good thing up until the last couple of days. Work was the thing that kept the other bad vibes away. With the good vibes at work gone, the other crap is starting to get to me.

I hate being alone, I hate the fact that if most people knew my real story they'd throw me away like a cheap suit. I hate the fact that I had to take this journey, I didn't sign up for it, but alas I ended up here. I hate the fact that it will be difficult for me to ever find someone who will love me for what I truly am. I hate the fact that I had to give up the one job I loved and was made to do.

Alas, I am better today than I was a year ago, and happier than I was in my old life despite my current malaise. For all my troubles I'm going through right now, I am able to take joy that I am me. No more having to covet what I couldn't be, no more 1/4lb of flesh dangling nastily between my legs.

I may be a bit miserable right now, but I'm comfortably miserable knowing what I've overcome, and what I can acheive when I get my energy back.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Yeah that is how all of snoopy's books began, along with lots of other failed authors. But 4 years ago today it was a dark and stormy night in more ways than one. It was the night I told Co she would be losing a husband. At the same time one of the worse icestorms we ever saw was raging outside.

I cannot explain fully the tremendous guilt I still feel and probably always will. What makes it so hard is I that I loved her and still do. If I didn't care I guess it wouldn't hurt so much.

Anyway one must learn to get over things and grow from pain. But at least for today I'm gonna wallow a bit.

Enjoy the song below, thought it was about time for one.


Moon over Bourbon Street
by Sting

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all

I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong


Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon

The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight

How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

Sorry Co for destroying what we had, hope what we are building from the ashes is even better than what we shared before.

Love to all and of course take care.

It's a girl...

Yesterday I became an auntie. My little sister brought a little girl into this world, my new little niece. I haven't gone to see them yet, honestly I'm a little conflicted about going to see them. My sister has not hidden her distaste for what I've done in my life, and I have a feeling my little niece will not be around me too much. My sister hasn't told her inlaws about me yet, so I doubt that I'll be invited to things like my niece's christening, or birthdays, etc.

It's hard to be the crazy aunt that gets left out of things. It's not like I've done a horrible thing, it's just I'm embarrassing to my sister. This has been a recurring theme the last 3 years with her. I love her to death, she's my sister no matter what, unfortunately this love doesn't seem to be shared. I may try to go see them today at the hospital, but I'm not sure yet.

On another note one of my friends is undergoing female conversion surgery as I write this w/ Dr. Reed. I'm hoping every thing goes alright for her, and she has no issues. It is a tough surgery and it's a hard recovery.

It amazes me how we are all driven to do something so wrouht with danger and hardship just to be ourselves. Looking back on my own struggle I put myself through physical and emotional hell just to be complete. I recovered from major surgery in a hotel room, and not a real clean hotel room, I had friends pull out my stitches, I even pushed myself to go back to a shitty job early just so I could be me. Not only that I put up with that same job and it's unhealthy conditions just to reach my goal. I tried to make the impossible work and made so much happen. I wish I hadn't experienced some of the pain, but I made it through it anyway. It's amazing to me looking back that I was able to accomplish what I did with everything going on. But also I know that without the bad along with the good I wouldn't be where I am today.

Maybe I can use some of that resolve and turn my sister around and get to be involved in my new niece's life. Maybe she will grow to be an open minded child by knowing me and not be judgemental of people just trying to be true to who and what they are. One can only hope, that is why we as a species put so much time and energy into our children. They are where we put our hopes of making the world right tomorrow where it is wrong today.

Love to all and of course take care.

Writers block...

Lately I find myself in an odd place. I have all this extra energy just boiling in me, but cannot find an outlet. In the past I turned to writing but lately find myself unable to do so. I just cannot let myself be free to write. When I write I do so from emotion and I have to say I have so many emotions flowing through me right now I don't know if I want to open the door and analyze how I feel right now. I feel too fragile to let the damn burst open and let all the emotions out. Once I let myself be open to feel the way I do when I write I can't be sure if I can shut the spigot off.

Yet on the other hand I feel this responsibility to tell my story. I've been through so much, so many different experiences that others have told me need to be shared. I haven't been able to justify though the benefit of bearing my soul in sharing my story. Maybe it would help someone who was like I used to be, afraid and alone, but maybe I could destroy other peoples lives by making this look like a good idea. Or even maybe my writing about my life story is just a narcissistic attempt to have my voice heard and isn't worth the time and the effort in writing it down never mind reading it.

I cannot say which is true. I along with my family have been through a great deal. I have seen things most will never see, and for good reason. I am here merely by the grace and sometimes I think the amusement of God. I have seen God's sense of humor in this life, and have been blessed by being able to survive through it all. I've been high on the mountain top, and at the lowest of low, and yet I'm still here. I've lost allot, but in doing so got everything. I've found the true meaning of love, of hate, and the danger of both.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates, no it's more like driving through a snow storm in New England. Through out life we are surrounded by both the beauty of things like big lacey white flakes of snow thing cling to the landscape and paint a fragile picture upon the landscape, and the danger of things like trying to stop on an icy and hilly road. We are surrounded by both constantly. Life is both precious and precarious, and how we handle it is what makes it what it is.

I'm not sure if I should take the time to continue writing the book, but I do know I have no plans on stopping living life the way it was meant to be. We are here for such a short time, and all we can do is live our lives like each day we live could be our last, and make sure if it did that we would not regret the way we lived it, or left things.

Anyway enough blabbering about the meaning of life, my questions on writing and such. I need to try and funnel this energy and making sure I don't leave any regrets that amount to much. It did help to let a trickle out through my block, I hope it was enough to help me decide my next step.

Love to all and of course take care....

Checking in...

Well I haven't written lately, not much going on. Just getting accustomed to the new job, and with constant praise instead of criticism. I've so used to walking on eggshells all the time, it's hard to come down off my tippy toes. I was shocked and amused to hear from an ex coworker that they are so desperate for people to pick on that they are telling "stories" about me. She said they were telling a tall tale about the reason I went on vacation was to get a sex-change. She stood up for me and told them they were ridiculous and didn't know what they were talking about. Oh well I guess I truly know who my friends are. Of course it was bothersome that she thought it was a silly scenario, maybe she thinks those people are the ones on Springer, and not the ones you meet in the everyday world?

On a worrisome note, Co went to the Dr. today and he thinks she may have a growth in one of her arms. I am worried sick right now about her. I'm freaking out about the possibility that we have just been through one horrific battle together and now God is about to send another one. While we are no longer together as a couple we are together as soul mates. She is my best friend, and I can't imagine anymore bad things happening to her. She already had to deal with her husband becoming a woman,I don't think it fair to have her dealt another battle in life. She's had enough, we've had enough, I hope it's nothing and God will decide we've had enough hardship for one lifetime.

I'll let you know how things go with her. If you pray, please keep her in your prayers, she means the world to me and more....

Love to all and of course take care....

Demons BE GONE....

Well I have to say I'm still bothered allot by the events of last week. I keep finding myself almost over things, and then something sets things backwards and I'm dragged back into the turmoil. I've even found myself smoking a bit again, only 2 cigs a day, but it could lead to more if I'm not careful.

I thought I was over things, but as I'm waiting for the hr guy to get back to me to do the exit interview where I hope I can tell the verbal abuse this women did, all these feelings come back of how I let her words hurt me. I really can't say if I'm more upset with the fact she was so mean, or with myself for letting a person like that get to me. I mean other than the fact she was my boss, who the fuck was she? She hadn't gone through the hardships in life I had, she didn't come the ghetto and work her way up, in fact she came from money and had an easy life. Where I had to struggle for all I had achieved with the help of family and friends she was given everything. I worked and worked hard for a living while she bitched about every little thing. I overcame while she was always overwhelmed. Hell I held down 2 jobs and quite successfully until the last few months, and if anyone can blame me for not being at the top of my game when I was going for surgery you can bite me.

One thing that keeps bothering me is her telling me the other day that I "planned this all along." Well I don't know what to say to that. I did take the job because it gave me more free time on nights and weekends to get a 2nd job to work towards my goal of surgery, but at the time I took it I was looking merely towards an orchi. Working this job made my surgery possible, but my intentions when I took it were not to work until I got surgery, come back early and risk hurting myself only to quit a month later. I don't think she understands how much an ordeal surgery really was. I went back to work sooner than anyone else I know. If I was planning to leave would I have come back so early? I must confess, I was thinking about leaving, but I was hoping that things were going to work out and I was going to be able to stay. I loved the creativity the job required, I loved helping people grow their business I just couldn't stand working for such a mean person. So if indeed I planned it all along I was one of the last to know my dear.

I need to move on though and expell all these demons and the bad energy they bring. I need to stop thinking about her, and remember what she was and is, which was something I don't want to be like. She stood for everything I was against, yet tried to turn it around like I was the problem. She would fool around all day, not get work done, and then have to stay till 6pm to finish. I came in early, worked hard, stayed focused took short lunches and no breaks so I could be out by 5 and she called me lazy. She truly has no idea what I was doing for her, and I don't even care if she realizes it. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want her in my life, and I don't give a ratts ass what a washed up never been has to say.

Walk a mile in my shoes bitch, $5 says you don't make it a block....

And thats all I want to say on that subject......

Love to all and take care....

Time to move on....

Man it's so nice when a song says it all....

Update below.

"Take This Job And Shove It"
Johnny Paycheck

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

They'll have you in this factory
From now on for fifty years
All this time I see my woman
Drowning in her tears
I see a lot of people who
Got to have a piece of me
I'd give the shirt right off my back
If I had the nerve to say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Let's all go use our sick leave up
And then we'll shoot some pool
Got brand new skinhead hair cuts
You think he's a fool
One of these days I'll blow my top
Or somebody's gonna pay
I'd hate to see the process
As you enter the factory and say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I won't let that shit bother me
That I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here, ain't working here, ain't working here no more

****UPDATE****
Went in and gave my 2 weeks at the paper and was verbally assaulted on how me "going for surgery was taking advantage of the company and my coworkers" and was walked out the building.

She was horribly abusive and kept going on how I was "making a mistake" and my "whole life was full of making mistakes."

I am in real conundrum at this moment. I am not the litigious type, I've even been in an accident with a hit and drunk driver who was so drunk you could smell it and didn't sue her. I've been wronged though and was leaving the job because of the constant verbal abuse she sent my way. Until this morning's attack I couldn't be sure if it was related to me being trans or the fact she was just a big meany. I kept telling myself she was just mean, but today true colors came out, and I know now that it was personal. She thinks what I did was a mistake, she's asked after the fact more than once if I regretted doing what I did and obviously doesn't understand. I should go after her and make her pay for the way she treated me, but does that just give folks one more reason not to hire folks like me? If we become known as sue-happy headaches who is going to want to hire us? I have to go slowly and reflect carefully over my next action. She cannot get away with treating me like this, she cannot get away with telling people about my situation which in effect is a medical condition. I don't want to have to take legal action, but I feel right now that someone has to stand up to the pseudo-liberal elite and how they take us on as tokens that they do things behind their backs to. I'm tired of being a good "n-word" and need to stand up for what is right.

More to come, suggestions welcome by those who have my email.....

Busy little beaver...

Can't really talk much right now, but I noticed it's been awhile since my last post, so a quick update.

I'm busy at work which I don't want to go further on right now. Health is great, healing more every day. I cannot believe how good things are working down there right now. I have to say I'm pleased so far with my results and am sooooooooo happy I finally got there.

While cleaning out my car yesterday I came across a poem I wrote this past winter/spring that I may choose to share when I have time. It amazes me how much can change in such a short time. I was going through such turmoil then and never thought I'd be where I am today. So to all of those whose life seems hopeless right now, and that goal at the end of the road seems to be getting farther away every day, keep the faith, work hard, and know in your heart that if you want it bad enough you can accomplish allot, but you must be willing to go through allot to get there. We truly are all born of fire in this journey.

Love to all, and take care.

Tough enough?...

Well yeah I'm finally getting to write a bit again. It's been a little hard since I've been slowly but surely trying to get things back in order. I've been back to work since last Monday, only 1 job though not both. I'm not happy right now about work, but all things in due time. I've also been dealing with the "joy" of sitting in one place for a long time. NOT FUN right now, not that I've been one who tends to sit still for long anyway. Walking is fine, but sitting or standing still suck. It's also been fun trying to schedule all the extra things like dilating and douching along with clean-up, set up, and applying stuff in between.

There have been many good things since we last talked along with some bad. On the bad front, my gp was too much of a wussy to take out my stitches so I had to rely on the help of friends so I didn't have to go the ER and have a bunch of odd people around my new equipment, instead I only had two wierdos down there. THANK GOD FOR GREAT FRIENDS, AND PAINKILLERS, a little valium didn't hurt either.

Tuesday I got surprised when somebody canceled at the last minute and I got invited to the Bob Dylan concert. My company has a skybox there and it was an outdoor concert so it was nice to say the least to be in a comfortable skybox on that rainy night. I stayed standing or on the comfy couch during the first 3 acts, but when Dylan came on, my tender bottom regions went outside and got on a hard stadium seat. The pain didn't matter that much once I heard "Tangled up in Blue" live and in person. I hurt like hell the next day, but man I can say I've seen Dylan. Of course hearing him or should I say making sense of what you are hearing is another thing....

Overall things are coming up and back to normal. I'm really feeling human again, and ahead of schedule. I figured it would be another week or two but am glad I am ahead of schedule. Painkillers are no longer being used except for a few Tylenol a day, and I'm actually doing things like walking fast, and shooting baskets. Actually I was shooting baskets my first day back, 1 week post op. I've always had this knack to me I guess to recouping fast. I'm not fast, strong, nor can I go forever, but man give me a moment to catch my breath and I recoup faster than anyone else I know. That is how I go for miles rollerblading by stopping a few times taking a drink a few breaths and get back on my way.

When I dislocated my knee one year at the Big E, I sat down for 10 mins and then walked the rest of the day(went to the ER that night for x-rays after attending a bday party.) I've thrown up from being exposed to excessive heat and then gone and played hockey. I used to play iron man hockey(no subs) consitantly. When I had my last knee surgery I was at a wedding a few days latter, with a cane I made myself. And I was interviewing for jobs and getting them 2 weeks after being released from the hospital after my nervous breakdown. Yeah I can be a tough bitch. A tough bitch that pulled herself up out of bed by the headboard 1 day post op and made my way to the bathroom to empty my pee bag before my friends made it to the hotel, (man that hurt.)

But one has to be tough to make it through all this. We trannies may not realize it all the time but we are some of the toughest people out there. We struggle against voices for years that are screaming at us that something is wrong, only to one day rise up and battle the voices of those around us who tell us nothing is wrong and it's all in our head. We fight against thinking twice or three times that there is another way. We deal with all the pain of losing what we lose and fight the guilt of all we take away from those who have grown to know and love us one way and then have to get used to a "new" us.

Yes I am proud of my toughness and am even a braggart about it, but my friends it is that toughness that got me and others where we are today, tattered and slightly torn but still here none the less.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Heading for home...

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to mine

Oooh, oooh, oooh

You're so fine and you're mine
I'll be yours 'till the end of time
'Cause you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
I've nothing to hide

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to mine

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, baby
Can't you hear my heart beat
For the very first time?

Like a virgin
Madonna

Actualy having all that packing taken out isn't something as special as a first time, but something I couldn't wait for to relieve all that GD pressure.

Of course as I am running around like a chicken with my head cutt-off I'm pre-writing this the night before. Actually truth be told I picked out the songs weeks ago. Today it's do my stuff with the Dr., run to the airport, catch my flight home, and run into the arms of my wife and kids. I miss them, mom, Court and my own bed sooo much. Also I have to go fill my scripts so I can be ready to go back on the 'mones & get over the cries. I've been crying allot lately, half joy for making it,half sad for all the wounds I've gotten and given along the way.

Today I head to everyone's favorite residence for their heart, H O M mother f'ing E...

Home sweet home
Motley Crue

You know i'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So i wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
It doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And i'm comin' off this
Long & winding road

I'm on my way
Well, i'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that i seem
To make romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off
The silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Somtimes nothing--keeps me together
At the seams

I'm on my way
Well, i'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

BIG ASS HUGS AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED ME BECOME ME.

Extra love to Co, Court & Viv especially...

Be back writing when I can. Love to all and of course take care....

looking back...

I remember only 3 things from the summer of 1974. One I won't share today, but the other two are today's topic. It was that summer I first noticed the difference between boys and girls, and I first knew I was the wrong one. It was about this time of year as I looked out and saw my friend Carole inher red one piece bathing suit and got it. It was less than a week later when severe thunder storms rolled in one night. I thought for sure God was coming after me to destroy his "mistake." I barely knew much about God but what I knew was God was perfect, made everything, and was not someone to piss off. I was raised to fear God instead of love God. Anyway I remember as if it was last night that I hid under my bed as thunder shook our apartment, clinging on for dear life, and asking God to spare me.

Last night we had storms roll through that I swear if not for my cathedar I would have wet the bed. My memories harkened back to my bedroom at age 4. BUt instead of fearful tears, I started crying tears of joy. Instead of feeling persecuted by God I was able look back and see how much God helped me be the woman I am today. It wasn't the storms coming after me, but protecting me.

Last night I was reminded how blessed I am to have made it thus far when so many falter along this journey. Thank God for sending all that help, and of course my family an friends. They have truly been gifts of grace, so forgive me for getting a little churchy...

Amazing grace
John newton

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

healing and such...

Today the Dr. took out the jp tube aka the grenade. He warned me several times that it wouldn't be pleasant, but when it came out it was more like a big stitch being pulled.

Last night I played hero, and skipped the pain pills, andas a result had a rough night. The sight itself is ok but the packing and the tubing are driving me up the wall. I just got rid of my own damn tubing and now I'm stuck with one atttached to a bag. I guess it's just gonna take time to heal.


Sexual Healing
Marvin Gaye

Ooh, now let's get down tonight
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
Whenever blue tear drops are falling
And my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's make love tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, 'cos you do it right
Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside of me
Baby I think I'm capsizing
The waves are rising and rising
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Sexual Healing, baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
And it's good for me and it's good to me
My baby ohhh
Come take control, just grab a hold
Of my body and mind soon we'll be making it
Honey, oh we're feeling fine
You're my medicine open up and let me in
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
I can't wait for you to operate
When I get this feeling, I need Sexual Healing

I also talked to my sister today. We've barely spoken since we had a blow-out a couple of months ago. We patched things up for now, but I'm not expecting any miracles soon. I still expect to be the crazy aunt the kid isn't alowed to see much, they might catch it ya know. It was still so nice to talk to her and tell each other we were sorry and that we love each other reguardless.
Later Viv and I will go for awalk around the area,but shortly I'll be meeting with some other girls who had surgery with Dr. Reed and play cards. But since the only good song about playing cards is KISS's "Beth", I leave you instead with this....


"It's a Sunshine Day (Everybody's Smiling)"
The Brady Bunch

I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.

Everybody's smiling (sunshine day),
Everybody's laughing (sunshine day),
Everybody seems so happy today in the sunshine day.

Oooh. Can't you dig the sunshine?
Feel the sun and the rays.
Can't you hear it calling your name?

I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.

lessons...

SorryI haven't written lately. It's been odd to say the least. I got to experiencethe joys of aBM with tubes up your Chachi. I've learned how to empty my pee bag without splashing too much. I've learned how much not showering sucks. I'm gonna give myself a sponge bath latter. I still have sooo much to learn about my new equipment. I still can't believe it's real, and it's gone. I keep waiting to wake up from the good dream, but instead find myself crying tears of joy.

I came here to find an end to my journey, and find it only begining.

Lessons Learned
Carrie Underwood

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I shouldn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some roads,
That I wish I could have one more chance to make,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And nothing's gotta go,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

just checking in...

Hard to type too much. Doing well, but in pain as expected. In the words of Teo "it hurts to be pretty." have the best friends a girl can ask for taking care of me.

I'll talk more when i can, till then be well.
Hugs,
Ash

The day after...

I can't believe it's sooo real. But I have a quote from the Matrix Revolutions for you...

"I dreamt of this day for all my life, and now I have to ask, Is it real?" Morpheous.

I'm a little under the weather today. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it other than....

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.

I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.

So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.

I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.

Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again.
Complete.

People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.

Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

King Missile
Detatchable Penis


They better not try to reattach the mother f'er, it took me so long to get rid of it. Seriously I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I hope to included all I can from the old one, not much about me has changed after all, but still I have to say it is a whole new world...

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

A whole new world
Disney

Walt Disney's frozen head must be spinning in it's grave....

V-Day...

Well my friends the time has come for the big day. I cannott believe the time has finally come. It's just a good example of what can happen when you focus on things.

I always knew eventually the road would lead me here, I was never sure though when. But for now my time is here. I have to leave you with a happy song just in case, but I'm sure I'll be pissing people off for years to come. Gotta go meet destiny...

Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn't go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

The same is true for voices,
When boys begin to grow.
You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature,
And if you do you'll know.

When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see.
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na

Day by day you're facing the changes you've been through,
A little bit of living, a little bit of growing all adds up to you.
Every boy's a man inside,
A girl a woman too.
And if you want to reach your destiny,
Then here's what you can do.

When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see.
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you're gonna be.

Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na

Time to Change
The Brady Bunch


What a rough ride it's been. Well I've learned how to type in my sleep, just watch out folks. Seen the movie Carrie? I have, so don't piss me off. For now I'm using my powers to write in my sleep as I'm under...

Under the blade
Twisted Sister

A glint of steel, a flash of light
You know you're not going home tonight
Be it jack or switch, doctor's or mind
Nowhere to run, everywhere you'll find
You can't escape from the bed you've made
When your time has come, you'll accept the blade!

You're cornered in the alley way, you know you're all alone
You know it's gonna end this way, the chill goes to the bone
Now here it comes that glistening light, it goes into your
side
Blackness comes, tonight's the night, blade is gonna ride


Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

It's not another party head, this time you cannot rise
Your hands are tied, your legs are strapped, a light shines in
your eye
You faintly see a razor's edge, you open your mouth to cry
You know you can't, it's over now, blade is gonna ride

Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

A glint of steel, a flash of light
You know you're not going home tonight
Be it jack or switch, doctor's or mind
There nowhere to run, everywhere you'll find
You can't escape from the bed you've made
When your time has come, you'll accept the blade!

You've tried to make it to the front, now you're pinned against
the side
A monster stands before you now, its mouth is open wide
The lights go on, the night explodes, it tears into your mind
When the night does end, you'll come again, the blade is gonna
ride

Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

Here it comes, baby
Ow!

Now you're under it
You're going down, down, down, down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down

Hey!
Ow!

Ok not the pretiest song, but I had to get the Sister in here considering I was an SMF back in the day, at least I thought I was. By now the surgery is under way and I'm sure the boys are gone. It amazes me how in the old days I'd say I'd pay my right nut for something, I was amazed to learn they charge to take them away. Oh well they're gone now and I feel a little different.

Creep(half the man I used to be)
Stone temple pilots

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal
Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I gots is time
Got no meaning, just a rhyme

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be,
Half the man I used to be


Sorry had to, couldn't resist. Maybe now though I'll clean up my act and grow up a little more. They say women are more mature and after all, I have to say while I'll never be a true woman who grew up a little girl I'm as close as I'll ever get. So without further adeau...


I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again


Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

I am woman
Helen Reddy

Actually I'm beat and I need my rest. Psycho-kenetically typing wipes you out, talk to you tomorrow....

24....

When I was a little kid I used to pray for the silliest things. One of the things I used to pray for was for someone to invent a machine that would change peoples sex. I had no idea they had an operation for that kind of thing and thought it would be a great thing to be able to make little boy's into little girls if they wanted to. Maybe it's still a good idea, we could call it the Harry Benjimin 2000....


Love removal machine
The Cult

Fell to the red room
Because she was there
A scarlet woman
She got me in fear
She said do all those things that you do to me
You know what I mean
Do all those things that you do to me yeah

Love remover love remover machine
You little fun remover love remover machine

Baby baby baby baby baby I fell from the sky
Yesterday you blew my mind oh yeah
Having trouble with my direction
Upside down psychotic reaction

Love removal love removal machine
You little soul shaker love removal machine
You little love removal machine
You little fun removal love removal machine

Love removal love removal machine
You little fun remover fun removal machine
You little love removal machine
You little soul shaker love removal machine

Look out here she comes
Look out here she comes
Look out here she comes

Shake it don't break it baby
Shake it don't break it baby
Shake it don't break it baby

I say I didn't know about a sex change, but I had a dream when I was 6 the night before I had to go in for surgery to fix my broken jaw that when they wheeled me into the or to fix it they also decided to switch my sex. I dreamt that they had a little girl in there and they cut out each of our private areas and sewed them onto the other. Hey what can I say I was a fucked up kid. I was alone in the hospital, I was confused on my gender and I was scared about going under the knife. I had less than 24 hours to go and I needed my medication I needed to be......

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated

Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....
Just put me in a wheelchair
and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-o
I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my toes
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...
Just put me in a wheelchair
and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

Sedated
The Ramones

Just as I feel now, antsy as all hell and in need of sedation, but as then and will be now I believe that everything will turn out ok. The ghost of this pot smoking guy told me last night in a dream about some birds...

three little birds
bob marley

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Each by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Each by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing is gonna be alright. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!


That is except for the little part of getting my system clean. I have to be empty for surgery. They gave the shit to make me shit and unfortunately I have to run.... until v-day...

Run like hell
Pink Floyd

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

You better make your face up in
Your favourite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes
With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters
When the cockleshell shatters
And the hammers batter
Down the door
You better run

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
You better run all day
And run all night
And keep your dirty feelings
Deep inside. And if your
Takin' your girlfriend
Out tonight
You better park the car
Well out of sight
'Cos if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks
They're gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box
You better run

2 days...

Ok I pre wrote some of these blogs so i have to add stuff about yesterday. Traveling was ok. Security was tight, yet efficient. It took longer to get a bagel than through security. Of course the bagel place was run by idiots. I finally got to meet Viv, which was nice after talking to her every day for so long. I also met a new person gloria. She's Florida's Robin, all my CT peeps will understand. I hope if I make it to my 70's I hope I have the same spunk.

Well less than two days to go and I'm a bit nervous of course but so ready for this. I know it sounds silly but I've figured the DR. isn't giving me all that much that I didn't already have. I've lived as a woman, people treat me like a woman, so in a way I am a woman. On that note....

Sometimes late when things are real
And people share the gift of gab between themselves
Some are quick to take the bait
And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelves

But oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad.

So please believe in me
When I say Im spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

Oh, oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad

So please believe in me
When I say Im spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

No, oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad

So please believe in me

tin man
america

But then if that were entirely true, wtf would I need to work my ass off borrow money and risk my life for surgery then? Because as much of a woman that everyone treated me as I still have a dick. And trust me it's not fun being a chick with a dick unless you're an escort or something, and that is dangerous.

Speaking of oddities the next song was from a whacked movie I didn't care for much,except for a few parts. Maybe it's a little bit of the conservative left in. But it's so hard on nights like this when the strangest things seem suddenly routine.....

On nights like this
when the world's a bit amiss
and the lights go down
across the trailer park
I get down
I feel had
I feel on the verge of going mad
and then it's time to punch the clock

I put on some make-up
and turn up the tape deck
and pull the wig down on my head
suddenly I'm Miss Midwest
Midnight Checkout Queen
until I head home
and put myself to bed

I look back on where I'm from
look at the woman I've become
and the strangest things
seem suddenly routine
I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks
a gift-wrapped wig still in the box
of towering velveteen.

I put on some make-up
and some LaVern Baker
and pull the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963
Until I wake up
And turn back to myself

Some girls they have natural ease
they wear it any way they please
with their French flip curls
and perfumed magazines
Wear it up
Let it down
This is the best way that I've found
to be the best you've ever seen

I put on some make-up
and turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett
from TV
until I wake up
and turn back to myself

Shag, bi-level, bob
Dorothy Hammil do,
Sausage curls, chicken wings
It's all because of you
With your blow dried, feather back,
Toni home wave, too
flip, fro, frizz, flop,
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

I put on some make-up
turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm this punk rock star
of stage and screen
and I ain't never
I'm never turning back

wig in a box
Hedwig

Hopefully I don't wake up with an angry inch...

Seriously it amazes me looking back at all the shit I've been through and how I've come through it. So many people don't make it through, some make it through only to find they were on the wrong path and can't go back. It took me awhile longer than I wanted to get here, but looking back things had to happen the way they did in order to be here. This last song is my new anthem, go buy the albulm, it's entitled "After hours"...

right on time
big al anderson

it's not my nature to be patient.
I jump every river i cross.
not one for following the sensible side.
I can't count the times I've been lost.
well you can't see where you're going in a pouring rain.
when you running into walls feeling no pain.
We all owe dues to the devil
and I paid mine
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

i don't regret one single moment
it's been one hell of a ride
i count myself among the fourtunate ones
who made it to the other side
well you go what you go through
to get where you are
lucky for me I didn't go to far.
I turned around before the end of the line
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time

well you can't see where you're going in a pouring rain
when you running into walls feeling no pain.
We all owe dues to the devil
and I paid mine
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

Peace....

Friday part 2

Well things went well and I'M SET FOR SURGERY ON MONDAY!!!!!!!! I have to say my brain never thought I'd get this far, but deep in my heart I believed that if I worked hard enough I'd get there. It's like when I was younger we had this song we'd sing when a certain group of good friends got together. It was our song for friendship and a great song about sailing on in life....

Im sailing away,
set an open course
for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free,
free to face the life
thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain,
so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try,
oh lord,
Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea,
reflections in the waves
spark my memory
Some happy,
some sad
I think of childhood friends
and the dreams we had
We live happily forever,
so the story goes
But somehow we missed out
on that pot of gold
But well try
best that we can
to carry on

A gathering of angels
appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope,
and this is what they said
They said come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels,
but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship
and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away
with me
Come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away
with me

Come sail away
Styxx

Ok I don't know what the F&^% is about the aliens, but I do know I've been able to find the pot of gold.

The other song I used to sing was one by myself, and usually in tears. I wanted so bad to be fixed, to get far away from everything and to have never had to have gone through any of this. While some of that will never happen, I am about to make it on most of that...

over the rainbow
E.Y Harburg


Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Thank God they were flying bluebirds and not flying cows, I got shit on a little on my journey to this place here in my life...

Friday part 1

The time has finally come for me to meet my destiny so to speak. It's an early morning flight, followed by a quick trip to the Dr for his look at me, and then off to an ekg for final approval. I hate the thought of getting all the way down there and being turned away. I have worked so hard at this, I don't want to even ponder, but here are a few traveling songs, along with a worrying song.

Enjoy.


Sleep while I drive
Mellissa Etheridge

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
Theres a chill in my bones
I dont want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
Ill pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket Ill carry my harp
I got some money I saved
Enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Well go thorough tucson up to santa fe
And barbara in nashville says were welcome to stay
Ill buy you glasses in texas a hat from new orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams

You know Ive seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
Youve been looking for something
Thats not in your life
My intentions are true
Wont you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Oh is it other arms you want to
Hold you the stranger
The lover youre free
Cant you get that with me

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
If you wont take me with you
Ill go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Wouldn't it be nice to drive but no, we have to fly. Did I mention I'm afraid of flying? Shit that would have been a good book to bring, haven't read it in years, and wasn't there a scene in there about sex on a plane?

leaving on a jet plane
Peter paul and mary


All my bags are packed, Im ready to go
Im standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin, its early morn
The taxis waiting, hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome I could cry.


So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, Ill wear your wedding ring.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.


Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, Ill be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say,

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

I'd be fibbing if I wasn't full of anticipation, I hate waiting....

Anticipation Lyrics
Artist: Carly Simon

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

And I tell you how easy it feels to be with you
And how right your arms feel around me
But I, I rehearsed those lines just late last night
When I was thinkin' about how right tonight might be

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet and I don't know nature's ways
So I'll try and see into your eyes right now
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days

(These are the good old days)
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days
(These are the good old days)

I hope these are the good old days indeed. More to come later today...

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow I leave for what should be the biggest weekend in a very long time. Tomorrow I get on a plane, which I hate to do. Fly down to see my surgeon, get clearance from him and a cardiologist and with any luck spend the last weekend of my life with a piece of flesh dangling between my legs. Of course now we have to deal with a code orange terror alert. Well damnit I'm still wearing my light blue skirt, I don't care if I clash...

I've waited for this for so long, I hope it's truly here. I've worked so hard, given up so much. There are things in this life I will never get back, things that I should have, if not for some peoples lack of faith in me, or in human nature. But I'd do it all again to be who I was meant to be. To thine own self be true are some of the truest words of advice ever put on paper. Along with that all one can do is hope. Hope that no matter how bad things may be today, no matter how hard life is raining down on you, that you must remember this.

The sun will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow, therell be sun
Jus thinkin about, tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
til theres none

When Im stuck with the day thats gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
Come what may...


Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day away


The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
Come what may...

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day away
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day a--way!

Tomorrow
Lea Salonga

Peace love and joy.

One week...

One week from tonight I hope to be fretting about surgery in between runs to the toilet. It's been such a long trip and I still don't believe fully that it's really going to end next week. I know some day I'll get there, I still just can't believe it's happening now.

FYI. I am planning to blog every day starting this Thursday. Some of it is being pre written and of course I am going with the lyrics format with comentary mixed in. I'm not sure exactly how much I'll be able to write, but I promise I will do my best to.

Oh well I have a busy week ahead of me and I need some fun along with the focus. So enjoy this fun song as I try to focus.

One Week
Barenaked ladies

Its been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said Im angry.
Five days since you laughed at me
Saying get that together come back and see me.
Three days since the living room
I realized its all my fault, but couldnt tell you
Yesterday youd forgiven me
But itll still be two days till I say Im sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
Youll think youre looking at aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the chalet swiss
I like the sushi cause its never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like leann rimes
Because Im all about value
Bert kaempferts got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
Id like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, its the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show, cause then youll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause its so dangerous, youll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think youre funny when youre mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
Im the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Cant understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

Its been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said youre crazy
Five days since you tackled me
Ive still got the rug burns on both my knees
Its been three days since the afternoon
You realized its not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday youd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say youre sorry

Chickity china the chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin
Watchin x-files with no lights on, were dans la maison
I hope the smoking mans in this one
Like harrison ford Im getting frantic
Like sting Im tantric
Like snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I dont make films
But if I did theyd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs just so my
Irons arent always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think youre funny when youre mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
Im the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Cant understand what I mean? you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

Its been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said Im sorry
Five days since I laughed at you
And said you just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized were both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Birchmount stadium, home of the robbie

50 million miles....

Ok it's fucking hotter than hell right now. Sorry for the language but you try wearing a wig in 100 degree heat.

Speaking of heat things are continuing to heat up as I get ready for the big day. Every day I get another task done towards surgery. Yet I still feel like I'm so far away. It feels like I'm 50 million miles away from the real deal.


Speaking of that number go to my little bro's site and click on that song in his music player you won't be disappointed.

Shawn

He has a couple good songs there and that one is my fav. Enjoy I have to go track tropical storm that may make the miles a little longer ads it seems to head right for my reserved hotel room.

Enjoy.

Getting ready...

14 days to go and I'm tense but focused to say the least. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and trying to keep going. I stopped my spiro early and pop went the weight, 7lbs in one week gained, not happy at all. I've been rollerblading allot lately so hopefully it's muscle, over the weekend I did about 9 miles so it could be. Today I go see my gp for a physical so I can be cleared for surgery. I'm so afraid something will come up and I won't be cleared. Yet I know people heavier than me and who have had cancer that have had surgery a mile up and they came out ok, so I should be ok. Tomorrow I go see my endo and get a shot of T to help me toughen up for surgery. I can't wait for all this shit to be over.

God is keeping the humor in things lately as well, at least he's laughing. At my part time job I had to help one of my ex-line mates from my old hockey team. We played for a year or two together on the same line back in the day before I took to blades. I don't think he recognised me, thank God. I guess I've changed more than I give myself credit for.

There are other things going on with tieing up loose ends but I can't go into them right now. I'm just trying to leave no regrets behind. I need this to be as clean as a change as possible with the least amount of pain for all involved.

Oh shit gotta run, hopefully this will be the last time I will have to turn my head and cough.

Love to all and of course take care.

The times they are a changing....

With surgery rapidly approaching I find myself looking at life at surgery and I am starting to wonder how many other things will change in my life afterwards. For so long I've been so good at doing stuff because I had to reach my goal. But what happens when "have to" disappears. I won't "have to" do anything. I've been so focused on this one goal for so long and it has kept me going so strong I'm afraid that once it's gone my drive will be as well.

Maybe I'm wrong and my strong protestant work ethic has gotten me used to working 70 hours a week, and going without much of a social life. Maybe I have the fortitude that lets me go beyond what most normal people do. I don't think so, in fact I feel ashamed most of the time that I don't do more even though I know I do more than many people. I consider myself lazy even though I work 2 jobs and don't shy away from work. I just feel I can always do more because I haven't passed out yet. I don't know why I feel this way I just do. Is my drive caused by my desire to work towards my goal? Is it the testosterone that soon will no longer be in my system, or is it in my blood and I will continue to have the same drive?

Hopefully my drive will stay with me. I have potential to do so much more with my life than I am currently doing. I would rather look back at all the things I got accomplished at the end of my days rather than anguish over all I didn't. The times they are a changing and soon "have to" will go the way of the dinosaurs. Hopefully my drive and determination won't go with it.

Hugs and enjoy......


The Times They Are a Changing
Bob Dylan

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

Solitude...

My social life really sucks as of late. Yes I had a date, with a psycho, but then again it seems I attract allot of them in my life. The guy won't leave me alone at work, and he hasn't gotten the hint yet. I must really suck at communicating, I have a history of dealing with people who couldn't get the hint, and yet I think I can write a book that is going to sell? Maybe I should reconsider since I have trouble making certain people understand.

On the flip side of things I have been very lonely as of late. I had plans to have supper with Co and the kids Friday night, but her mom decided to a last minute dinner for her brother who is moving away. So no dice, I did get to go out to dinner with Court and Kozi though after we watched poor Court get some new ink. The kids came over after, but were gone early the next day to say their final goodbye to her brother. I feel for her, and will miss him too. I never got to talk to him after my transition, so I don't know he felt, and of course don't get the option of saying goodbye and goodluck. Court went to a party, I went to work after spending most of the day alone again. Today I went to work, and am spending the night alone again. It seems as of late either I am working or nobody is around. It sucks and I hate it to death. Even when I make plans something always seems to come up or the person I had plans with forgets and is off doing shit with someone else. I have surgery coming up soon, and even though the chance is a small one there is still a chance I don't come out of it. More than ever I want and need to be around people to keep me calm, and keep me from thinking about all the bad shit that can happen. But when I need companionship the most it seems to be the most fleeting. Psycho coworkers are the exception of course. If I am short for this earth I don't need my last few weeks on it to be spent by myself wanting for company. Even if my days are long I don't like spending my time like that. I was going to have my pre-pussy party but even that doesn't work out. The day I can do it co-incides with a big music fest a couple of the people go to and the support group picnic. Oh well maybe I'll try after surgery, I'll have more to celebrate then. Oh well I have laundry to do, a wig to wash and some tears to cry. Until next time here's a song for your reading pleasure about my feeling low right now....

Elanor Rigby
The Beatles

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Elanor Rigby picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been
lives in a dream
waits at the window, wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
who is it for?

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
what does he care?

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Elanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
nobody came
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
no one was saved

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

You butthole....

Pepper
The Butthole Surfers

Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Cherese
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

I don't mind the sun most of the time and you do never know how you look through other people's eyes. Things are progressing and life is still weird, and getting weirder. There has been this guy at my night job who has been very friendly and actually asked me to go for a drink after work. Now me not being one to want to drink said I would have a soda, and decided to go. I figured why not, he seems nice and harmless, and I am an experience junkie. I've been so cautious about dealing with men since my transition, I keep forgetting other people don't see what I see in the mirror. They see what appears to be a normal looking, yet odd, woman where I see the man I used to live as. I don't know if that will ever change, but I know it won't if I don't try to help things along, so I figured a date would do me good.

It was a friendly date more than a romantic one. We went to a local brew/steak restaurant, split an order of nachos and each got a soda, and we talked. Hell we talked for almost 2 hours. We have allot in common (ok put you jokes here) and it was nice to talk to a man like that. He scared the shit out of me too. My cover story at that job is that I'm going for knee surgery not srs. Well I was so much in the conversation I forgot he didn't know since it seemed like I knew him forever,anyway he told me he wanted to help take care of me when I was recovering and he would help change my bandages. Now you can imagine the color my face turned since I was thinking my new equipment even though he was talking my knee. It took a moment to recompose myself and I told him it wouldn't be a big bandage,but I appreciated his concern. Then of course there was the very akward moment when it was time to say goodbye. I felt my throat drop to my stomach as I feared he was going to try and kiss me goodnight. That would have been too much, too fast. Luckily he's a true gentleman and we shared a friendly hug as our goodbye.

I haven't been sure how I was going to relate to men in a woman to man relationship but I think I did ok. I'm not looking for things to go further than friends right now, but I'm not sure his intentions. I gave him my email and he sent me an email the same night and another longer one yesterday telling me he wanted to see me again. I have to remember to be cautious, surgery is coming up I could use a little diversion, but I also have to keep things in check. I like this guy as a friend, but I don't know about things going further. I haven't really been attracted to men at all, not to mention how the hell do you explain things. No matter who I get involved with I have some `splaining to do. You cannot build a relationship on a lie, and I cannot in good faith lie to someone I want to go the next step with, at least not such a big one. Hopefully I can find a person with a mind that is open enough to accept me for me. Regardless I had a fun night and have a new friend. Maybe the experience and our friendship over time will help me sort out my feelings and my future.

Love to all and of course take care.

Born to fly...

I've been antsy of late to say the least. So much is happening so fast and I can't believe my struggle is coming to a head in about a month. While I can never take back all the hurt, all the nights I cried myself to sleep and all the night I prayed unanswered prayers to God to fix me, I can fix the here and now and the future. While I won't be magically healed I will be one step closer towards that goal we all have in life, but few achieve.

Things have accelerated lately, and as of now I have officially paid for my surgery. I just sent the 2nd half of the money for stage one yesterday to my Dr. I was overwhelmed when I realized this important milestone, but remembered there is still much to be done. I just got a message from my GP's office that my insurance isn't covering my stress test so it will be out of pocket, oh well it was worth a shot. Of course there is the matter of not having my dilators yet that I've paid for. I also sent her a letter letting her know that if I don't have them by a certain date we will be forced to start legal action. I had to know that the last little bit wouldn't be any easier than the rest of the struggle. Just as down deep I knew that if I kept going I'd get where I wanted to be. I've kept that faith for the most part, except for that little episode in '04 and that almost killed me. I knew that I'd get here and that I was born to fly.



SARA EVANS
Born To Fly
(Sara Evans/Marcus Hummon/Darrell Scott)

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Looking back, moving forward...

I decided to spend the entire day yesterday with the fam, and skip things like blogging, and throwing a party. It had been tradition for awhile for holding a picnic on the 4th, not only to celebrate the holiday, but also the anniversary of me asking Co out. I guess it was part celebration and part keeping an environment open for the same to happen to someone else. Co and I decided to go out at someone else's 4th of July picnic, and it's been interesting since to say the least.The other part of it was I'm suffering from an upper respiratory infection. With all the wet weather we've had I think I got a dose of mold at work where half the people are sick with similar symptoms. So with not feeling good I figured it would be prudent to go hang at the beach. We had other plans for after that but my daughter put a kibosh on that with a temper tantrum she threw at the beach.

It's hard at times to look back and see what Co and I have lost in the way things used to be. But on the other hand when you look at what we still have and share it's mind-blowing. Nobody I know in the same situation we are in get along as well. We are probably closer friends now then when we were married. Yes the sex is out of our life since she isn't into chicks, but while I may be hurt by the lack of attraction I can understand.

As things move forward I hope she will continue to be my best friend. It's only 6 weeks from this last Monday until I go under the blade. Shit's coming up quickly and I know it will be tough on both of us as things finally happen. In another strange turn of events I've been asked out by a guy, not on a real date, but out for a beer. He's a nice guy with a little off center sense of humor which is a perfect fit for me, if I was looking for that. For now I'll go out have a soda(won't drink beer) and see how it is trying to be friends with a straight male as a woman. I'm not looking for a straight relationship right now, if that is even what it would be called. I'm too afraid of consequences about how to tell the person about my past, and how they may react. I can't hide it, that shit only makes things worse. So it's going to be awhile before this gal has any relations with anyone new. Not to mention it will be 8 weeks after surgery or 14 weeks from now (God willing) before I could even use my pending new equipment.

Anyway lots of tangents, little focus, story of my life. Gotta go hope you all had safe and joyous 4th of July.

Love to all and of course take care.