Writers block...

Lately I find myself in an odd place. I have all this extra energy just boiling in me, but cannot find an outlet. In the past I turned to writing but lately find myself unable to do so. I just cannot let myself be free to write. When I write I do so from emotion and I have to say I have so many emotions flowing through me right now I don't know if I want to open the door and analyze how I feel right now. I feel too fragile to let the damn burst open and let all the emotions out. Once I let myself be open to feel the way I do when I write I can't be sure if I can shut the spigot off.

Yet on the other hand I feel this responsibility to tell my story. I've been through so much, so many different experiences that others have told me need to be shared. I haven't been able to justify though the benefit of bearing my soul in sharing my story. Maybe it would help someone who was like I used to be, afraid and alone, but maybe I could destroy other peoples lives by making this look like a good idea. Or even maybe my writing about my life story is just a narcissistic attempt to have my voice heard and isn't worth the time and the effort in writing it down never mind reading it.

I cannot say which is true. I along with my family have been through a great deal. I have seen things most will never see, and for good reason. I am here merely by the grace and sometimes I think the amusement of God. I have seen God's sense of humor in this life, and have been blessed by being able to survive through it all. I've been high on the mountain top, and at the lowest of low, and yet I'm still here. I've lost allot, but in doing so got everything. I've found the true meaning of love, of hate, and the danger of both.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates, no it's more like driving through a snow storm in New England. Through out life we are surrounded by both the beauty of things like big lacey white flakes of snow thing cling to the landscape and paint a fragile picture upon the landscape, and the danger of things like trying to stop on an icy and hilly road. We are surrounded by both constantly. Life is both precious and precarious, and how we handle it is what makes it what it is.

I'm not sure if I should take the time to continue writing the book, but I do know I have no plans on stopping living life the way it was meant to be. We are here for such a short time, and all we can do is live our lives like each day we live could be our last, and make sure if it did that we would not regret the way we lived it, or left things.

Anyway enough blabbering about the meaning of life, my questions on writing and such. I need to try and funnel this energy and making sure I don't leave any regrets that amount to much. It did help to let a trickle out through my block, I hope it was enough to help me decide my next step.

Love to all and of course take care....

Checking in...

Well I haven't written lately, not much going on. Just getting accustomed to the new job, and with constant praise instead of criticism. I've so used to walking on eggshells all the time, it's hard to come down off my tippy toes. I was shocked and amused to hear from an ex coworker that they are so desperate for people to pick on that they are telling "stories" about me. She said they were telling a tall tale about the reason I went on vacation was to get a sex-change. She stood up for me and told them they were ridiculous and didn't know what they were talking about. Oh well I guess I truly know who my friends are. Of course it was bothersome that she thought it was a silly scenario, maybe she thinks those people are the ones on Springer, and not the ones you meet in the everyday world?

On a worrisome note, Co went to the Dr. today and he thinks she may have a growth in one of her arms. I am worried sick right now about her. I'm freaking out about the possibility that we have just been through one horrific battle together and now God is about to send another one. While we are no longer together as a couple we are together as soul mates. She is my best friend, and I can't imagine anymore bad things happening to her. She already had to deal with her husband becoming a woman,I don't think it fair to have her dealt another battle in life. She's had enough, we've had enough, I hope it's nothing and God will decide we've had enough hardship for one lifetime.

I'll let you know how things go with her. If you pray, please keep her in your prayers, she means the world to me and more....

Love to all and of course take care....