Due to some recent events I am currently in a battle with the state over my fitness as a parent. I don't want to go into anything at this time, but I assure you that I will let you know what happened when the smoke clears. I am sure that everything will end up working itself out fine. Anyone who knows me and my kids know how I care for them, and how much I love them. I am confident that the state will find nothing wrong at all with the way I treat them, I hope they are the same about who I am.
I just need to make sure I conserve all my energies for the task ahead of me, sorry I won't be writing my usual borring crap for awhile.
Love to all, be well, and take care.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
A brave new world...?
Saturday marks a big day for gay and Lesbian couples as Connecticut becomes a rainbow state by allowing civil unions. While I am happy for them, I do have to wonder what kind of backlash is going to be created by the DOMA morons and the rest of the religious right.
We are currently lucky enough to live in a state that is willing to take a step like this. As for transexuals we have hate crime legislation, that while it is a little more than window dressing is also a step towards a better world. I am worried to an extent that the whole civil union issue might rally the religious right with their white robes and hoods in their closest in trying to take things back.
We also have to worry about "monkey boy" and the fact that he is about to appoint not only 1 but 2 people into the supreme court. I do admit that yes I did vote for him the first time, and I didn't regret it then, he was a much better choice than Gore was, but I thought he went too far, and voted for Kerry the last election. It scares me that he has a problem keeping his religion and his duties separate. I know he thinks he's doing it for the good of society,not hate, but he also thought there were WOMD in Iraq. If he gets 2 conservatives into the highest court in the land we could be looking at all the advances the GLBT community has gotten over the last few years fade away like wisps of smoke.
We all have to remember history in how people with supposedly good intentions have really fucked things up for society. The Catholic church killed many people in the name of God for simply refusing to worship their God. The Muslims extremists are doing it today. Napoleon conquered a big part of Europe in trying to build a better world.Hell white folks took poor savages out of Africa and saved them by bringing them here and teaching them about Jesus, of course we treated them like farm animals in return of all we did for them.(mighty white of us) Hilter brought Germany out a major depression, and rebuilt so much in that country before starting his ultimate agenda. So many Germans who thought it was all for the greater good gave up right after right until there were no rights left. Then Hitler proceeded to make his psychotic fantasies a gruesome reality. In our own country don't forget how scared we were of the red menace and how we let McCarthy ruin many innocent peoples lives in trying to protect the country.
It doesn't matter what your political beliefs or religion are, absolute power corrupts, it has happened too many times in human history to name all the times it has been proven so. I think we need to tread carefully before we piss off the religious right so much that they are willing to getting rid of us at any cost and we all suffer.
Myself I am happy that we are making strides in our state and in our country. I am though not going to any rallies, not having any parties. Instead I chose to sit smugly content knowing that we have made another milestone, and know that there are many to go on this long trip. We must remember not to try to get ahead of ourselves, and take things one step at time.
Love to all, and of course g'nite.
We are currently lucky enough to live in a state that is willing to take a step like this. As for transexuals we have hate crime legislation, that while it is a little more than window dressing is also a step towards a better world. I am worried to an extent that the whole civil union issue might rally the religious right with their white robes and hoods in their closest in trying to take things back.
We also have to worry about "monkey boy" and the fact that he is about to appoint not only 1 but 2 people into the supreme court. I do admit that yes I did vote for him the first time, and I didn't regret it then, he was a much better choice than Gore was, but I thought he went too far, and voted for Kerry the last election. It scares me that he has a problem keeping his religion and his duties separate. I know he thinks he's doing it for the good of society,not hate, but he also thought there were WOMD in Iraq. If he gets 2 conservatives into the highest court in the land we could be looking at all the advances the GLBT community has gotten over the last few years fade away like wisps of smoke.
We all have to remember history in how people with supposedly good intentions have really fucked things up for society. The Catholic church killed many people in the name of God for simply refusing to worship their God. The Muslims extremists are doing it today. Napoleon conquered a big part of Europe in trying to build a better world.Hell white folks took poor savages out of Africa and saved them by bringing them here and teaching them about Jesus, of course we treated them like farm animals in return of all we did for them.(mighty white of us) Hilter brought Germany out a major depression, and rebuilt so much in that country before starting his ultimate agenda. So many Germans who thought it was all for the greater good gave up right after right until there were no rights left. Then Hitler proceeded to make his psychotic fantasies a gruesome reality. In our own country don't forget how scared we were of the red menace and how we let McCarthy ruin many innocent peoples lives in trying to protect the country.
It doesn't matter what your political beliefs or religion are, absolute power corrupts, it has happened too many times in human history to name all the times it has been proven so. I think we need to tread carefully before we piss off the religious right so much that they are willing to getting rid of us at any cost and we all suffer.
Myself I am happy that we are making strides in our state and in our country. I am though not going to any rallies, not having any parties. Instead I chose to sit smugly content knowing that we have made another milestone, and know that there are many to go on this long trip. We must remember not to try to get ahead of ourselves, and take things one step at time.
Love to all, and of course g'nite.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
There goes the neighborhood...
Ok sorry I really don't mean what the title says, but it was eye catching. I do however have some new neighbors moving in, and contrary to the title, they will be a welcome addition.
Mom and I have a 3 family house, and one of the tenants recently moved out. After much armtwisting and whining I convinced one of my tranny friends and her tranny roommate to take the apartment. I'm so happy to have them here, it's cheaper than what they were paying at their old place, and they can be safe here. It is a quiet neighborhood, and the other tenant knows about me and is totally cool with things.
I really haven't had much time to blog lately. I've been pouring most of my creative efforts into working on the book. I'm over half way done, so I'm excited. I still have some edits to do on several chapters, but I might actually be done by the end of the year. After that who knows? I might publish it, or might sit on it, but I won't decide either way until I finish it for sure. No matter what it has been a very therapeutic exercise for me all around.
Love to all, and g'nite
Mom and I have a 3 family house, and one of the tenants recently moved out. After much armtwisting and whining I convinced one of my tranny friends and her tranny roommate to take the apartment. I'm so happy to have them here, it's cheaper than what they were paying at their old place, and they can be safe here. It is a quiet neighborhood, and the other tenant knows about me and is totally cool with things.
I really haven't had much time to blog lately. I've been pouring most of my creative efforts into working on the book. I'm over half way done, so I'm excited. I still have some edits to do on several chapters, but I might actually be done by the end of the year. After that who knows? I might publish it, or might sit on it, but I won't decide either way until I finish it for sure. No matter what it has been a very therapeutic exercise for me all around.
Love to all, and g'nite
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Shh there's a lady present...
I love the fact that I am treated like a woman by most folks. In the last few days I've been reminded of this fact on 2 separate occasions.
Yesterday I was visiting with the owner of a bar that is refurbishing his establishment to see if he wanted to advertise his grand opening. There were contractors scurrying around like busy little bees, when one of the contractors yelled out "hey Bill, where the fuck do you want to run the God-damn wiring?" Bill quickly got red faced and shouted back "hey you moron, watch your language, there's a lady present." I just smirked and went back to my task at hand. Little did they know that I probably have a worse habit of profanity than they do. I wasn't about to point this out though, let the men think they are being polite around a lady. Which is another thing I am not, I may be female of sorts, but I ain't ever claimed to be a lady.
Today I was waiting on the owner of gun store for a bit. I was getting bored, so I went over to a display and picked up a hunting rifle. the look the guys got on their faces as I raised the gun in the proper fashion and fixed my sights on the head of some poor animal on the wall. I have shot many different guns in the past, one of my best friends was a gun nut for awhile and he let me shoot all the guns he had. He had everything from assault weapons before they were banned, to heavy duty rifles and pistols. The worse one to shoot were the 357 magnum handgun, and the 30/30 rifle. Man those had some kick. I've never been hunting though, it just seems so inhumane. I don't see how they can call something a sport, when only one of the players has all the equipment. Give the animals some weapons and teach them how to use them, then we can call it sport.
The guys must not have seen allot of women checking out the guns. One of the guys seemed turned on by a woman with a gun in her hand. The silence was deafening, until finally one of the guys yelled out to the owner "Hey Bob hurry up, she's getting so tired of waiting she's picking up guns to come get you." I smirked back and said "no, no don't rush him, I know he keeps his gun loaded, and I don't know what kind of ammo, this one takes." I got a pleasant chuckle back.
For all the sorrow having to wait for surgery brings into my life, it is nice to have the feeling that basically I am already a woman. I might still have my male anatomy, but only a handful of folks know that. Everyone else treats me as I appear a woman. It is hard to wait, especially when you can't even see your target on the horizon, for now I guess I'm going to have to take what I get, appreciate the little things, and keep trodding forward, trying to be ladylike of course.
Love to all,watch your language, and g'nite.
Yesterday I was visiting with the owner of a bar that is refurbishing his establishment to see if he wanted to advertise his grand opening. There were contractors scurrying around like busy little bees, when one of the contractors yelled out "hey Bill, where the fuck do you want to run the God-damn wiring?" Bill quickly got red faced and shouted back "hey you moron, watch your language, there's a lady present." I just smirked and went back to my task at hand. Little did they know that I probably have a worse habit of profanity than they do. I wasn't about to point this out though, let the men think they are being polite around a lady. Which is another thing I am not, I may be female of sorts, but I ain't ever claimed to be a lady.
Today I was waiting on the owner of gun store for a bit. I was getting bored, so I went over to a display and picked up a hunting rifle. the look the guys got on their faces as I raised the gun in the proper fashion and fixed my sights on the head of some poor animal on the wall. I have shot many different guns in the past, one of my best friends was a gun nut for awhile and he let me shoot all the guns he had. He had everything from assault weapons before they were banned, to heavy duty rifles and pistols. The worse one to shoot were the 357 magnum handgun, and the 30/30 rifle. Man those had some kick. I've never been hunting though, it just seems so inhumane. I don't see how they can call something a sport, when only one of the players has all the equipment. Give the animals some weapons and teach them how to use them, then we can call it sport.
The guys must not have seen allot of women checking out the guns. One of the guys seemed turned on by a woman with a gun in her hand. The silence was deafening, until finally one of the guys yelled out to the owner "Hey Bob hurry up, she's getting so tired of waiting she's picking up guns to come get you." I smirked back and said "no, no don't rush him, I know he keeps his gun loaded, and I don't know what kind of ammo, this one takes." I got a pleasant chuckle back.
For all the sorrow having to wait for surgery brings into my life, it is nice to have the feeling that basically I am already a woman. I might still have my male anatomy, but only a handful of folks know that. Everyone else treats me as I appear a woman. It is hard to wait, especially when you can't even see your target on the horizon, for now I guess I'm going to have to take what I get, appreciate the little things, and keep trodding forward, trying to be ladylike of course.
Love to all,watch your language, and g'nite.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Sunday's Sad Parade
The Soft Parade-The Doors
When I was back there in seminary school,
there was a person there
Who put forth the proposition,
that you can petition the lord with prayer
Petition the lord with prayer,
petition the lord with prayer
You cannot petition the lord with prayer!
Can you give me sanctuary,
I must find a place to hide,
a place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum,
I can't make it anymore,
the man is at the door
Peppermint, miniskirts, chocolate candy,
champion sax and a girl named sandy
There's only four ways to get unraveled,
one is to sleep and the other is travel,
One is a bandit up in the hills,
one is to love your neighbor 'till
His wife gets home
Catacombs,
nursery bones,
winter women, growing stones
Carrying babies, to the river
Streets and shoes, avenues,
leather riders
Selling news,
the monk bought lunch
Ha ha, he bought a little,
yes, he did, woo!
This is the best part of the trip,
this is the trip,
the best part
I really like, what'd he say? ,
I'm proud to be a part of this number
Successful hills are here to stay,
everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play,
welcome to the soft parade
All our lives we sweat and save,
building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say,
somehow to defend this place
Everything must be this way,
everything must be this way,
The soft parade has now begun,
listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun,
a cobra on my left
Leopard on my right,
The deer woman in a silk dress,
girls with beads around their necks
Kiss the hunter of the green vest,
who has wrestled before
With lions in the night
Out of sight!,
the lights are getting brighter
The radio is moaning,
calling to the dogs
There are still a few animals,
left out in the yard
But it's getting harder,
to describe sailors,
to the underfedTropic corridor,
tropic treasure
What got us this far,
to this mild equator?
We need someone or something new
Something else to get us through,
cmonCallin on the dogs,
callin on the dogs
Oh, it;s gettin harder,
callin on the dogs
Callin in the dogs,
callin all the dogs,
callin on the gods
You gotta meet me,
too late,
Slay a few animals,
at the crossroads,
too late
All in the yard,
but it's gettin harder,
by the crossroads
You gotta meet me,
oh, we're goin,
we're goin great
At the edge of town,
tropic corridor,
tropic treasure
Havin a good time,
got to come along,
what got us this far
To this mild equator? ,
outskirts of the city,
you and i
We need someone new,
somethin new,
somethin else to get us through
Better bring your gun,
better bring your gun
Tropic corridor,
tropic treasure,
we're gonna ride and have some fun
When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes
And make them sleep, and cry
Yeah I know that is a long quote to lead into a blog, and one hell of an f'd up song, but may of the lyrics ring true, and describe my own soft sad parade this Sunday.
Firstly Jim was right you cannot petition the lord with prayer. Yes there is a God, and I don't want to go into the whole arugument on what or who he/she is, I do know that you can't ask God for stuff and expect to get it. God is way too busy to worry about our every need. Basically we are put here with the tools we need to get by, and the rest is up to us.
I love the lyrics of the Doors, I feel such a kinship with him. I used to sit and listen to my Doors tapes for hours on end, or course usually by myself while drinking. Not the healthiest of things to do, but I'm still alive. This song also is right about the fact that all we do is sweat and save building for a shallow grave. So many people in this world are dead and don't even know it. They just worry about the material, the here and now, without really enjoying the things that truly make life worth living.
Part of the reason I'm sad, beside my usual Sunday malaise from Co and the kids going home is the fact I watched Armagedon last night on TV. I know it was mainly supposed to be an eye candy movie with lots of explosions, cools stuff, and manly man stuff, but it truly is a sad movie to me. One of the supporting casts members has a son that doesn't even know him. It hitrealized watching when I realised that my own son won't remember his dad. He was so little when I transitioned that he really won't have memories of me being his dad. I know it's great that I am still able to be in his life and still be a caring parental unit, but I still feel bad that I have rorealize son of a dad. I realise that the other option I had was much worse, I could have done myself in, and he would have no one. The whole thing does still makes me sad.
The other thing that main charecter sacrafices his own life in order to save the world. This really hit me hard. In my own male life I used to pray for my life to end this way. Not exactly to die saving the world, but saving someones life. I didn't want to transition, I didn't want to have to put myself and all my loved ones through the whole ordeal. For me it would be a greatway out and a plus if it was an horable one that was filled with self sacrifice. My suffering would have been over and done with, and I would have never to transition, and would have died happy being a man.
I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible male life. Quite the contrary, I had a great life. Beautiful wife, nice house, killer job, two beautiful kids, I was in all aspects but one in 7th heaven. I just couldn't be happy with myself being who I was. I wish things could have been different, but as the song says "everything must be this way." For some reason, this was meant to be, and a much better fate than many other things that could have been thrown my way.
Hope you all had a great weekend, the weather was beautiful, and did spread some sunshine on my down demeanor.
Love to all, and g'night.
When I was back there in seminary school,
there was a person there
Who put forth the proposition,
that you can petition the lord with prayer
Petition the lord with prayer,
petition the lord with prayer
You cannot petition the lord with prayer!
Can you give me sanctuary,
I must find a place to hide,
a place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum,
I can't make it anymore,
the man is at the door
Peppermint, miniskirts, chocolate candy,
champion sax and a girl named sandy
There's only four ways to get unraveled,
one is to sleep and the other is travel,
One is a bandit up in the hills,
one is to love your neighbor 'till
His wife gets home
Catacombs,
nursery bones,
winter women, growing stones
Carrying babies, to the river
Streets and shoes, avenues,
leather riders
Selling news,
the monk bought lunch
Ha ha, he bought a little,
yes, he did, woo!
This is the best part of the trip,
this is the trip,
the best part
I really like, what'd he say? ,
I'm proud to be a part of this number
Successful hills are here to stay,
everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play,
welcome to the soft parade
All our lives we sweat and save,
building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say,
somehow to defend this place
Everything must be this way,
everything must be this way,
The soft parade has now begun,
listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun,
a cobra on my left
Leopard on my right,
The deer woman in a silk dress,
girls with beads around their necks
Kiss the hunter of the green vest,
who has wrestled before
With lions in the night
Out of sight!,
the lights are getting brighter
The radio is moaning,
calling to the dogs
There are still a few animals,
left out in the yard
But it's getting harder,
to describe sailors,
to the underfedTropic corridor,
tropic treasure
What got us this far,
to this mild equator?
We need someone or something new
Something else to get us through,
cmonCallin on the dogs,
callin on the dogs
Oh, it;s gettin harder,
callin on the dogs
Callin in the dogs,
callin all the dogs,
callin on the gods
You gotta meet me,
too late,
Slay a few animals,
at the crossroads,
too late
All in the yard,
but it's gettin harder,
by the crossroads
You gotta meet me,
oh, we're goin,
we're goin great
At the edge of town,
tropic corridor,
tropic treasure
Havin a good time,
got to come along,
what got us this far
To this mild equator? ,
outskirts of the city,
you and i
We need someone new,
somethin new,
somethin else to get us through
Better bring your gun,
better bring your gun
Tropic corridor,
tropic treasure,
we're gonna ride and have some fun
When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes
And make them sleep, and cry
Yeah I know that is a long quote to lead into a blog, and one hell of an f'd up song, but may of the lyrics ring true, and describe my own soft sad parade this Sunday.
Firstly Jim was right you cannot petition the lord with prayer. Yes there is a God, and I don't want to go into the whole arugument on what or who he/she is, I do know that you can't ask God for stuff and expect to get it. God is way too busy to worry about our every need. Basically we are put here with the tools we need to get by, and the rest is up to us.
I love the lyrics of the Doors, I feel such a kinship with him. I used to sit and listen to my Doors tapes for hours on end, or course usually by myself while drinking. Not the healthiest of things to do, but I'm still alive. This song also is right about the fact that all we do is sweat and save building for a shallow grave. So many people in this world are dead and don't even know it. They just worry about the material, the here and now, without really enjoying the things that truly make life worth living.
Part of the reason I'm sad, beside my usual Sunday malaise from Co and the kids going home is the fact I watched Armagedon last night on TV. I know it was mainly supposed to be an eye candy movie with lots of explosions, cools stuff, and manly man stuff, but it truly is a sad movie to me. One of the supporting casts members has a son that doesn't even know him. It hitrealized watching when I realised that my own son won't remember his dad. He was so little when I transitioned that he really won't have memories of me being his dad. I know it's great that I am still able to be in his life and still be a caring parental unit, but I still feel bad that I have rorealize son of a dad. I realise that the other option I had was much worse, I could have done myself in, and he would have no one. The whole thing does still makes me sad.
The other thing that main charecter sacrafices his own life in order to save the world. This really hit me hard. In my own male life I used to pray for my life to end this way. Not exactly to die saving the world, but saving someones life. I didn't want to transition, I didn't want to have to put myself and all my loved ones through the whole ordeal. For me it would be a greatway out and a plus if it was an horable one that was filled with self sacrifice. My suffering would have been over and done with, and I would have never to transition, and would have died happy being a man.
I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible male life. Quite the contrary, I had a great life. Beautiful wife, nice house, killer job, two beautiful kids, I was in all aspects but one in 7th heaven. I just couldn't be happy with myself being who I was. I wish things could have been different, but as the song says "everything must be this way." For some reason, this was meant to be, and a much better fate than many other things that could have been thrown my way.
Hope you all had a great weekend, the weather was beautiful, and did spread some sunshine on my down demeanor.
Love to all, and g'night.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Groups, the final frontier...
Support group the final frontier.
A lifetime mission to try to get a word in.
To listen to new thoughts and ideas.
To boldly go where no one would sanely go.
Ok if Gene Rodenberry was buried in the ground instead of having his ashes in space he'd be rolling over in it right now. That is how I have felt about support groups mostly, actually that's the nice version of my opinion. I have just had the worse luck with groups even before transitioning. I used to help out for a local Lyme Disease support group in support of a friend who had it bad. I don't care if it's a bunch of trannies or any other group support group can be an adventure.
Last night I went to a new group. This one is different than any other group I have ever been in. The main difference it is moderated by a therapist. There's less chance of someone hijacking the meeting, of someone being continually hurtful to others in the group. Will those things and other still happen? Sure they will, but they will be dealt with accordingly. It is nice to find this kind of group. Any time I went to my other groups and I needed to talk about something there always seemed to be a group hog, usually a newbie, talking about something so minor in comparison. I know it is important to them at that development level of transition, but having passed that level, and having a hurt I couldn't bring out I got mad.
It's a shame I miss some people from my main group, but I am not going to take away from the little time I get to spend with my kids to go get pissed. It just isn't worth it to me. I'm hoping this new group is a better final frontier. I really could use a place to talk to others in the same boat I am about things. I know some of the folks in the group already, and am getting to know the others.I did pick up a really great term last night there "vanilla nation" in reference to normal straight people who can't handle folks or even the idea of folks like us. All I pictured was Pat Robertson doing a parody of Janet Jacksons "Rhythm Nation" video, along with cameos by GW, and David Duke. Thats all I can share, sorry I can't be more specific, but group is like Vegas, what happens there, stays there. I don't know if others will stick to this rule, but I like to play by the rules.
Love to all, and have a great day.
A lifetime mission to try to get a word in.
To listen to new thoughts and ideas.
To boldly go where no one would sanely go.
Ok if Gene Rodenberry was buried in the ground instead of having his ashes in space he'd be rolling over in it right now. That is how I have felt about support groups mostly, actually that's the nice version of my opinion. I have just had the worse luck with groups even before transitioning. I used to help out for a local Lyme Disease support group in support of a friend who had it bad. I don't care if it's a bunch of trannies or any other group support group can be an adventure.
Last night I went to a new group. This one is different than any other group I have ever been in. The main difference it is moderated by a therapist. There's less chance of someone hijacking the meeting, of someone being continually hurtful to others in the group. Will those things and other still happen? Sure they will, but they will be dealt with accordingly. It is nice to find this kind of group. Any time I went to my other groups and I needed to talk about something there always seemed to be a group hog, usually a newbie, talking about something so minor in comparison. I know it is important to them at that development level of transition, but having passed that level, and having a hurt I couldn't bring out I got mad.
It's a shame I miss some people from my main group, but I am not going to take away from the little time I get to spend with my kids to go get pissed. It just isn't worth it to me. I'm hoping this new group is a better final frontier. I really could use a place to talk to others in the same boat I am about things. I know some of the folks in the group already, and am getting to know the others.I did pick up a really great term last night there "vanilla nation" in reference to normal straight people who can't handle folks or even the idea of folks like us. All I pictured was Pat Robertson doing a parody of Janet Jacksons "Rhythm Nation" video, along with cameos by GW, and David Duke. Thats all I can share, sorry I can't be more specific, but group is like Vegas, what happens there, stays there. I don't know if others will stick to this rule, but I like to play by the rules.
Love to all, and have a great day.
Monday, September 12, 2005
A hard days night...
Ok the title sounded good for the theme of the blog lately. I never was a fan of the Beatles, but the words fit.
Last night after posting I sat down with my crocheting and tried to watch several shows on 9-11 that I had been looking forward to. After 5 minutes I had to turn them off, and unfortunately shows about the happenings dominated cable last night. Those events were so terrible, and I had watched so much of it when it happened, I just couldn't bring myself to fully relive it. After I got home on 9-11 I became glued to cable news networks. I spent most of my free time watching Fox news, and MSNBC. I became obsessed with the whole thing, I ate, breathed, slept, and shit news for about 3 months following the events.
For the longest time I hardly watched the news at all, not even local news, except for the weather and sports. I just couldn't bring myself and my addictive personality to go down that road again. I was news burnt. I started watching Fox news originally because of the mainstream media's liberal bias, but after taking a step back I found Fox is just as guilty as skewing the news the other way. I just don't need somebody telling me either way how to feel about stuff. I think it's horrible how people try to manipulate the masses on both sides.
I have recently started watching some network news again. Of course there is always NPR as a decent source of news, a bit liberal, but not as bad as most. I will always have a bit of the old conservative still in me. I hate what I was, and what they are as a group, but somethings I still do believe in.
On a bright note I did find a great show on CPTV on the similarities of the 3 major western religions have for all their fighting. I have always known from my religious upbringing that the Jews and the Arabs are half brothers according to the bible. The both came from Abraham from different mothers. I did not know until last night how similar the Muslim and Jewish religions really are. Allot of the words they use are the same, they both have times of fasting for God, they both have a sort of legal look of how God wants us to act. Everything is very black and white with both, no gray. But yet still there are groups amongst both of them that wants nothing more than to wipe the other group off the face of the earth. With so much in common wouldn't it make sense to go after the real enemy, The Catholic Church and rich white Republicans? They are the source of all evil in the world. Think about it, you might find I am right.
After I finally fell asleep most of my energy was taken up with weird dreams of being back in High School, but as a chick this time. I was hanging out with a bunch of cute guys who seemed interested in me. It's nice for a change to dream about the old days, without having to do it as the old me. I guess it's just my little brain trying to compensate for time lost, and a past that never was. I also had a dream about a group of 20 somethings that had painted their whole bodies gold and blue, in some big mall I had never been in before that wanted me to hang out with them. They thought I was cool, no idea why, but they did for some reason. I can't explain this one, I just hope I don't have to have it again, once was enough on that one.
Gotta go, electrol tonight wore me out. Hopefully tonights dreams won't involve a swarm of electrified bees attacking me.
Love to all, and g'nite.
Last night after posting I sat down with my crocheting and tried to watch several shows on 9-11 that I had been looking forward to. After 5 minutes I had to turn them off, and unfortunately shows about the happenings dominated cable last night. Those events were so terrible, and I had watched so much of it when it happened, I just couldn't bring myself to fully relive it. After I got home on 9-11 I became glued to cable news networks. I spent most of my free time watching Fox news, and MSNBC. I became obsessed with the whole thing, I ate, breathed, slept, and shit news for about 3 months following the events.
For the longest time I hardly watched the news at all, not even local news, except for the weather and sports. I just couldn't bring myself and my addictive personality to go down that road again. I was news burnt. I started watching Fox news originally because of the mainstream media's liberal bias, but after taking a step back I found Fox is just as guilty as skewing the news the other way. I just don't need somebody telling me either way how to feel about stuff. I think it's horrible how people try to manipulate the masses on both sides.
I have recently started watching some network news again. Of course there is always NPR as a decent source of news, a bit liberal, but not as bad as most. I will always have a bit of the old conservative still in me. I hate what I was, and what they are as a group, but somethings I still do believe in.
On a bright note I did find a great show on CPTV on the similarities of the 3 major western religions have for all their fighting. I have always known from my religious upbringing that the Jews and the Arabs are half brothers according to the bible. The both came from Abraham from different mothers. I did not know until last night how similar the Muslim and Jewish religions really are. Allot of the words they use are the same, they both have times of fasting for God, they both have a sort of legal look of how God wants us to act. Everything is very black and white with both, no gray. But yet still there are groups amongst both of them that wants nothing more than to wipe the other group off the face of the earth. With so much in common wouldn't it make sense to go after the real enemy, The Catholic Church and rich white Republicans? They are the source of all evil in the world. Think about it, you might find I am right.
After I finally fell asleep most of my energy was taken up with weird dreams of being back in High School, but as a chick this time. I was hanging out with a bunch of cute guys who seemed interested in me. It's nice for a change to dream about the old days, without having to do it as the old me. I guess it's just my little brain trying to compensate for time lost, and a past that never was. I also had a dream about a group of 20 somethings that had painted their whole bodies gold and blue, in some big mall I had never been in before that wanted me to hang out with them. They thought I was cool, no idea why, but they did for some reason. I can't explain this one, I just hope I don't have to have it again, once was enough on that one.
Gotta go, electrol tonight wore me out. Hopefully tonights dreams won't involve a swarm of electrified bees attacking me.
Love to all, and g'nite.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
The Song Remains the Same...
The more things change the more they seem to stay the same. It was a pretty quiet week, which is nice for a change. A few minor things happened, so here's the update.
I just found out on Friday my best friend at work is leaving. I can't blame her, there is one dipshit of a girl that makes her department a hostile place. I can't stand her, she plays dumb, but she's a bitch. I will miss my friend, she was instrumental in bringing me back to the paper, and now she's leaving. It will be hard to adjust to her absence, she was the first person I came out to at that job, I brought her into my world by bringing her to Creative Cocktail Hour at Real Artways. It was nice that in a place where I am trying to live a stealth life I had an ally who knew my daily struggles.
Also on Friday I got to meet a member of the tribe. The other friend I have at work that knows about my whole situation told me about one of the partners in one of our biggest advertisers and how he was leaving to transition. I was flabbergasted when I found out her female name that she was a friend of a friend. As luck would have it, my coworker was out on Friday and I had to go pick up some stuff at this account and got to meet him/her. I hate referring to people in this stage, I never know the right pronoun to use when someone is transitioning, but not full time yet, so I try to go with how they are presenting themselves at a particular time. I introduced myself to him and said we had a common friend. He of course clocked me right away. I don't know what it is but it is so much easier for those in the tribe to spot other members. I myself have spotted many more than I ever knew existed before. We are stronger than the mainstream thinks. They got the guns But we got the numbers Gonna win, yeah We're takin' over. Sorry had to put in another song reference.
Today is also the 4 year anniversary that a day that shook the world, and changed mine. The horrible events that partook that day still burn fresh in my memory. The horrible feeling I had being stuck on business in Boston while a pregnant Co sat at home and worried still haunts me. For awhile that day I didn't know if we were at war or what, or if things would ever be the same again. More personally the whole experience made me realize that we are on this world for a very short time, and that I could never feel complete living the life I was. It was a day that shaped and changed my life indeed. Over time decisions I have made since that day have cost me my job, some friends, closeness with my wife and kids. It took away a Co's husband, and my kids dad too. I do wish things had been different on both fronts. I wish we saw the signs of the attacks coming in time to stop them. I wish I could have just found a way to be happy in the old life, it would have been so much easier. Unfortunately for all of us, neither I guess were possible.
Love to all, and g'nite.
I just found out on Friday my best friend at work is leaving. I can't blame her, there is one dipshit of a girl that makes her department a hostile place. I can't stand her, she plays dumb, but she's a bitch. I will miss my friend, she was instrumental in bringing me back to the paper, and now she's leaving. It will be hard to adjust to her absence, she was the first person I came out to at that job, I brought her into my world by bringing her to Creative Cocktail Hour at Real Artways. It was nice that in a place where I am trying to live a stealth life I had an ally who knew my daily struggles.
Also on Friday I got to meet a member of the tribe. The other friend I have at work that knows about my whole situation told me about one of the partners in one of our biggest advertisers and how he was leaving to transition. I was flabbergasted when I found out her female name that she was a friend of a friend. As luck would have it, my coworker was out on Friday and I had to go pick up some stuff at this account and got to meet him/her. I hate referring to people in this stage, I never know the right pronoun to use when someone is transitioning, but not full time yet, so I try to go with how they are presenting themselves at a particular time. I introduced myself to him and said we had a common friend. He of course clocked me right away. I don't know what it is but it is so much easier for those in the tribe to spot other members. I myself have spotted many more than I ever knew existed before. We are stronger than the mainstream thinks. They got the guns But we got the numbers Gonna win, yeah We're takin' over. Sorry had to put in another song reference.
Today is also the 4 year anniversary that a day that shook the world, and changed mine. The horrible events that partook that day still burn fresh in my memory. The horrible feeling I had being stuck on business in Boston while a pregnant Co sat at home and worried still haunts me. For awhile that day I didn't know if we were at war or what, or if things would ever be the same again. More personally the whole experience made me realize that we are on this world for a very short time, and that I could never feel complete living the life I was. It was a day that shaped and changed my life indeed. Over time decisions I have made since that day have cost me my job, some friends, closeness with my wife and kids. It took away a Co's husband, and my kids dad too. I do wish things had been different on both fronts. I wish we saw the signs of the attacks coming in time to stop them. I wish I could have just found a way to be happy in the old life, it would have been so much easier. Unfortunately for all of us, neither I guess were possible.
Love to all, and g'nite.
Monday, September 05, 2005
The soundtrack of my current life...
I have always loved music every since I can remember. I have never though enjoyed the mindless rhythmic crap with no soul in its lyrics that is so often played today. I love music from all genres, my only prerequisite is in the content of the lyrics themselves. This weekend I went and downloaded (legally I assure you) a bunch of new songs for my mp3 player.
I downloaded a bunch of songs both happy and sad, from the surreal cover by Paul Anka of Nirvana's smells like Teen spirit, to the haunting wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot. Some of these songs speak to me in the here and now, while others are long lasting in my head. A few of them are more special to me at this time then others, and here are some excerpts.
Please come to Boston-written by Dave Loggins, sung by Kenny Chesney
Now this drifter's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt that it's ever gonna stop
But of all the dreams I've lost or found
And all that I ain't got
I still need to lean to
Somebody I can sing to
This song has always been one of my favorites, and when I heard the new version by Kenny Chesney I just had to have it. It is such a strong song about someone reaching out for an old love to join him in his new life. I can feel his pain. It's going to be awhile before I find that someone special in my life. I know my standards are a little high. I don't want to date someone prettier than me(co is the exception to this rule), I don't want to date someone who is needier than me. Of course I have the general standards on age, weight, etc. I really don't want a relationship with someone old enough to have seen me in diapers or young enough that I could have changed theirs. I want someone who cares about themselves, tries to stay healthy both physically and mentally. Somebody with a moral and value set close to my own. Someday maybe either I'll meet that special someone, or I'll just lower my standards.
Hurt- written by Trent Reznor-sung by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
Ok so this song is a bit dark, yeah and Bush is a bit stubborn at times. The version by Johnny Cash is so haunting. I bought this albulm and played it so much I wore the bitch out. It is his "goodbye" albulm. June hadn't died yet, but you could hear in his voice that he knew both their ends where coming soon. I cannot listen to most of the songs on that albulm without crying. If you like his music go out and buy The man comes around, it's worth every penny.
This song is about the blackness in my soul I feel from the guilt I have in doing this. I feel like the emperor of a pile of nothing. I feel like I have let certain people down, I thought I had beaten my problems, and they came back, I feel like a liar. It speaks of the numbness I sometimes feel in being alone, of how I sometimes feel I am the same, and other people have changed. It is hard when you go through a change like I have, yes I am basically the same person inside, but so much of the outside has changed, that folks do treat you differently. I just need to learn how to deal with it.
parabola- written and performed by Maynard of Tool
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate
this chance to be alive and breathing
a chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment.
Remember.
we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
I love this song so much I want to have some it's lyrics tattooed on me someday. This song reminds me that this life is a gift,we need to treat it as such. We need to soak up each experience, and enjoy life for what it is, and do something in this world to help our bigger eternal life. It reminds me that the pain in this world is just an illusion, it is temporary, non important in the eternal realm of things. We are eternal, we can sit and argue for no good reason where we go after we die, and what we do, but the truth is plain and simple, we do go on. We need to focus more on the health of our souls than our place here in the materail here and now. It is this belief that helps me deal with all the pain and suffering we have in this world. It makes me not weep for days on end for what happened on the gulf coast. There is so much pain and suffering going on there and around this earth that it could overwhelm you if not for the big picture of things.
These are the songs that make up my mood lately, thanks for listening, hope you all have songs that make you feel, think, be alive. Thats what music is made for, to make us think, to tell a story, to open our minds. Remember the mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.
Love to all, and g'nite.
I downloaded a bunch of songs both happy and sad, from the surreal cover by Paul Anka of Nirvana's smells like Teen spirit, to the haunting wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot. Some of these songs speak to me in the here and now, while others are long lasting in my head. A few of them are more special to me at this time then others, and here are some excerpts.
Please come to Boston-written by Dave Loggins, sung by Kenny Chesney
Now this drifter's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt that it's ever gonna stop
But of all the dreams I've lost or found
And all that I ain't got
I still need to lean to
Somebody I can sing to
This song has always been one of my favorites, and when I heard the new version by Kenny Chesney I just had to have it. It is such a strong song about someone reaching out for an old love to join him in his new life. I can feel his pain. It's going to be awhile before I find that someone special in my life. I know my standards are a little high. I don't want to date someone prettier than me(co is the exception to this rule), I don't want to date someone who is needier than me. Of course I have the general standards on age, weight, etc. I really don't want a relationship with someone old enough to have seen me in diapers or young enough that I could have changed theirs. I want someone who cares about themselves, tries to stay healthy both physically and mentally. Somebody with a moral and value set close to my own. Someday maybe either I'll meet that special someone, or I'll just lower my standards.
Hurt- written by Trent Reznor-sung by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
Ok so this song is a bit dark, yeah and Bush is a bit stubborn at times. The version by Johnny Cash is so haunting. I bought this albulm and played it so much I wore the bitch out. It is his "goodbye" albulm. June hadn't died yet, but you could hear in his voice that he knew both their ends where coming soon. I cannot listen to most of the songs on that albulm without crying. If you like his music go out and buy The man comes around, it's worth every penny.
This song is about the blackness in my soul I feel from the guilt I have in doing this. I feel like the emperor of a pile of nothing. I feel like I have let certain people down, I thought I had beaten my problems, and they came back, I feel like a liar. It speaks of the numbness I sometimes feel in being alone, of how I sometimes feel I am the same, and other people have changed. It is hard when you go through a change like I have, yes I am basically the same person inside, but so much of the outside has changed, that folks do treat you differently. I just need to learn how to deal with it.
parabola- written and performed by Maynard of Tool
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate
this chance to be alive and breathing
a chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment.
Remember.
we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.
I love this song so much I want to have some it's lyrics tattooed on me someday. This song reminds me that this life is a gift,we need to treat it as such. We need to soak up each experience, and enjoy life for what it is, and do something in this world to help our bigger eternal life. It reminds me that the pain in this world is just an illusion, it is temporary, non important in the eternal realm of things. We are eternal, we can sit and argue for no good reason where we go after we die, and what we do, but the truth is plain and simple, we do go on. We need to focus more on the health of our souls than our place here in the materail here and now. It is this belief that helps me deal with all the pain and suffering we have in this world. It makes me not weep for days on end for what happened on the gulf coast. There is so much pain and suffering going on there and around this earth that it could overwhelm you if not for the big picture of things.
These are the songs that make up my mood lately, thanks for listening, hope you all have songs that make you feel, think, be alive. Thats what music is made for, to make us think, to tell a story, to open our minds. Remember the mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.
Love to all, and g'nite.
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