Holiday Math...

Ok friends of mine are out of town and I had to go check on their apartment and cats today. I also felt a draft so I went and checked out the bathroom where it seemed to be coming from. The window was ok, I adjusted the heat slightly and saw they had a scale. I haven't been on my scale in so long I just had to see what theirs said. I was upset at first, but then I forgot to factor in the math.

I've always been bad with math this time of year. I used to balance my checkbook by writing checks until I got an overdraft notice. I used to use my credit cards until they were declined. I thought it was a good system, but then again I just dealt with bankruptcy last year. Anyway since that awful day I had to go before a bunch of people and declare I was a deadbeat, among other things, I decided to do the math. Science and nature are full of numbers and with them all of lives questions could be solved.

So using this math can explain why the scale read so high. First I had my glasses on and they are real glass. Now I remember learning that Plexiglas is half the weight of glass, meaning glass is twice as heavy so I multiplied my weight by.5. I also had my gold earrings on and anyone who had chemistry knows that gold has a heavy weight to it so I multiplied again by .8. I also had a necklace that Courtney gave me last night when I went to visit her and again it's a heavy metal but not gold so this time I multiplied by .95. I was wearing my nicotine patch which again has metal in it but only aluminum, so I won't count that, just to give a little leeway. I did drink allot of water going to and from NY to see Court, and 1 gallon of water weighs 8.5lbs so I subtracted that too. After the math I found my real weight is only 25lbs. I'm so glad I could figure it out.

Hope you have a great holiday of your choice, and if you are worried the scales will be high for you afterwards just remember to do the math.

Love, take care, and happy____________.
(fill in holiday here)

Pardon my lack of holiday spirit...

Its just one of those days

When you don't wanna wake up

Everything is fucked

Everybody sux

You don't really know why

But want justify

Rippin' someone's head off

No human contact

And if you interact

Your life is on contract

Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker

It's just one of those days!!

Limp Bizkit-Break stuff

Ok I know not very cheery or in the holiday mood. Also it's not very lady like but today was just one of those days and I really would like to rip someone's head off.

It started simply enough, I decided that today is my last day of smoking because a certain surgey I've been working towards may be on the close horizon. Unfortunately when I went to the store this morning to buy what hopefully is my last pack of smokes I slipped on ice, popped my bad knee out(which promptly went right back in) and luckily caught myself before I smacked my head on the pavement which no doubt would have resulted in a bloody wigless head.

So with me trying to look at the bright side of things in that I didn't get too hurt or flip my wig so to speak I just took it as a sign that the time is indeed right to quit smoking. So I get this idea that I should track my weight gain. I'd always in the old days do so by seeing how lose my old wedding ring was on my finger. Unfortunately when I went to find said ring which I've kept in the same safe place in my car so it would always be near me, it was gone. I was so upset I pulled my car to the side of the highway and started frantically tear the center console of my car apart looking for my beloved ring.

Now I've never been into material things, even now I own and wear minimal simple jewelry. That ring meant everything to me though. It stood for a love that was strong enough to stay a close friendship through all this. Co and I aren't ever going to be like we were, we've both agreed on that, but that ring reminded me of a simpler time when I could handle being a guy and I thought everything could be cured by love. A time when all I needed was her and to be loved by her.

I don't know exactly who the bastard is who took my ring, or how they got it. My car is always locked. I don't take many people in it. The best I can guess is that it was swiped at the oil change place. I'm so damn pissed about it I am putting a curse on whoever took it. If you are a straight guy I hope your dick falls off and your balls swell up to the size of watermellons. If you are a girl I hope your tits shrivel and your pussy closes shut. If you are a mtf I hope your dick grows back. And if I ever catch you in the immortal words of Duke Nukem I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck.

Again sorry for venting and not being in the holiday spirit, but today I just found out some Grinch stole my past and has ruined my Christmas.

Classic frivolity...

Ok I was working on the book last night and saved my new chapter to somewhere besides where I usually do so. While searching for it this morning I came across something I wrote 3 or 4 years ago that got me on a radio show.

You see The Vagina monologues were just getting big back then, and a local dj Dee Snider, yes the same Dee from Twisted Sister decided to have the Penis diaries. So he asked for listeners to write poems or stories about their penis. Of course I had to try and got an invite to the celebration for my submission. It was free breakfast and I got to meet the man behind the hair and spandex. Looking over it now I have to wonder who the hell I was trying to kid, them or me? It's odd reading it now, and even odder to remember that at one time I used to submit stuff to his show as Mr. Fister. Of course I also remember sending stuff in as Whitey McCracker also, I guess life was easier back then and I had spare time to create names and get on the radio.

Do enjoy this little blast from the past, forgive the misspelling and I hope it brings a smile to your face.

ODE TO MR. HAPPY
PURPLE HELMETED WARRIOR,
HOW I WISH YOU COULD DO MORE.
YOU DO YOUR JOB ONCE,
AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
LEFT WARM AND WET,
LIKE A FRESH STICKY BUN.

WHEN I WEAR TIGHT PANTS,
YOU GET IN THE WAY.
AND THE WAY YOU WAKE UP AT INAPROPRIATE TIMES,
I SOMETIMES THINK YOU ARE GAY.

WOMEN HAVE ENVYED YOU
FROM THE BEGINING OF TIME
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
THEY SEE POWER AND PLACE
FOR ALL THAT POSSES.
BUT HAVE NEVER EXPERINCED TRYING TO PEE WITH MORNING WOOD,
OH WHAT A MESS.

I LOVE THAT YOU'RE THERE,
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IF NOT FOR YOU AND THE BOYS,
I WOULD NOT BE AS STRONG.

BUT FOR ALL THAT YOU'RE WORTH,
YOU CAN GET IN THE WAY.
SO PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE ME DAY OFF
JUST FOR ONE DAY.
A DAY WITHOUT PAIN,
WHENEVER A FINE LADY WALKS BYE.
A DAY NOT TO HAVE TO ITCH
FROM THE SWEAT YOU COLLECT.
A DAY WITHOUT AIMING TO HIT THE BOWL.
A DAY TO BE ABLE,
TO THINK ON MY OWN.

BUT I COULD BE WORSE,
OF THIS I AM SURE.
IF YOU BLED THAT WAY,
I'M SURE THERE WOULD BE NO CURE.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRODUCE,
A BABY WHEN IT'S READY.
IF YOU DID,
WE'D ALL LOOK LIKE SPAGHETTI.

AND YES YOU'RE NOT OGLLED,
BY THE OPPISTIE SEX.
THEY SEEM TO HAVE BETTER THINGS ON THEIR MINDS,
BUT STILL ENJOY YOU YET.

THE NICK NAMES YOU HAVE,
HAVE BECOME SUCH A BORE.
TRY NAMEINVAGINAINIA,
AND YOU'LL BE SLAPPED FOR SURE.

YES LADIES IT TOUGHER THAN YOU THINK,
TO OWN THIS TOOL.
BUT WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE,
I'D RATHER BE ME THAN YOU.

MR. FISTER

Phew...

Ok I think I'm finally done knitting holiday presents, and am almost finished with my shopping. Now I can get back to my normal schedule of working on the book and an occasional blog entry too.

I may have allot to blog about shortly too. I don't want to jinx things so I will keep relatively quiet on the subject now, but I have some really good news potentially entering my horizon. Like I said I don't want to say too much now, but I am one little step closer to a big goal of mine. If the other two fall into place I'm really going to have a great 2006. Even so I can't help but worry something nasty is going to come up and snatch things right from my grasp. Keep your fingers crossed if you would for me.

Love to all, take care, and g'day.

Courtney loves her Chachi...

No it's not a new bad retro sitcom coming to UPN, it's referring to my friend Court getting her surgery today. Ok I see you scratching your heads via the hidden webcam I have in your house, so let me explain.

You see when we were kids my little sister called her vagina "Chachi." I'm not really sure why she just did. It made me think though when that Joanie loves Chachi sitcom started. I'd always thought Erin Moran was a bit dikey already, and that title just reinforced the idea in my head. But the nickname stuck in my little brain for all these years, and I still refer to it as Chachi.

Anyway enough with my sick sense of humor, congrats to Courtney hope she finds the happiness she was in pursuit of all these years, and I hope she continues to love her Chachi.

Love to all and g'nite.

Next stop destiny....

Everyone who travels on this journey in gender takes a different path. Most make it to their destination, some do not, but all meet their destiny. I came close to meeting my own bad end a year and half ago, but I guess my destiny is different, or at least wasn't ready to be reached quite yet.

Today one of my very best friends flew out on a special trip and in a few days goes in to meet her destiny, well ok fulfill part of her destiny, that first way sounds bleak. She will finally get fixed what life had screwed up on her. I am proud of her for getting there and can't wait to hear she got through it all ok.

To use her words it's sort of a graduation. To me it's kind like getting your PhD. To get approval from hormones is kinda like graduating high school. Getting approval for surgery is like graduating college. Any of the various in-between surgeries are masters degrees, and of course srs is your PhD. Funny though they don't have scholarships for these degrees, you're on you own to earn them.

For me I'm working on a masters in being testosterone free, and hopefully will be getting there within a few months. My PhD is a ways off, but I will continue to work towards it.

For now I'm going to be congratulating my friend and letting her have her moment, and soak in all of it. She worked hard to get there and deserves all the completeness I hope surgery will bring her. I'm also looking forward once she's healed for our kids to spend more time together. They are close in age and recently met. I think it's vital for the kids to see they are not alone, and there are other kids out there who's family is going through the same thing. Thinking you're alone in a struggle breeds depression and low self esteem, trust me on this one. At least they will have the comfort of not being alone, and hopefully will be less screwed up than I am.

I will let you all know how she pulls through which will be just fine, she's in good hands and they know what they are doing there. Maybe someday I can afford to go and get to fufil part of my destiny too.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Why am I such a misfit...?

Ok no I am not having another pity party. It's just one of the songs from my favorite Christmas specials, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I'm reminded of it for 2 reasons, firstly it's Christmas time, duh. Secondly I won a Hermie the elf doll today from a skill crane.

It's funny how I keep finding similarities between mainstream pop culture and my own life. In the show Hermie the elf doesn't want to be an elf, he wants to be a dentist and when he tells everyone he is ostracized and sent to the shadows. Rudolf has a birth defect and gets the same treatment. The similarities scream at me. I felt like such a misfit growing up a boy who wanted nothing more than to be a girl. I was too afraid to tell anyone for fear I'd be ostracized for my feelings. When I finally came out, I lost my job, some friends & family the just like them . They had a happy ending in less than an hour though, my happy ending is taking a bit longer. But I'm sure eventually it will come.

Thank you Rudolph, Hermie, and all who lived on the Isle of misfit toys for making me feel ok being a misfit. I wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone was the same, and feel into neat little boxes.

Love to all, take care & g'nite

Blue Monday...

Feeling very blue today for a variety of reasons. Part of it is how I'm feeling lately that I'm going to be the last tranny standing (to pee). So many people around me are having this or that done lately. Me I've had nothing done ever except for my teeth. Now I know that's a good thing considering how I look, but I don't always feel that way. To me I'm still the same, unaltered in anyway. The only things that have changed about me is my name and my wardrobe. It's not from anything other than a lack of funds and my own moral standards.

I've struggled financially since my transition and wasn't in the best of shape in this realm to begin with. I've thought of legal but immoral to me ways to make $ to help things along. To me though it isn't worth losing my soul just to make my body match.

Right now though it's unlikely I'm going to be able to afford surgery in the next few years. That is unless I win the powerball, meet a sugar-daddy, or someone decides to give me one hell of a gift, without going down that dark road.

There is of course the book. Unfortunately though while i do think I have an interesting story and point of view, I highly doubt I will make nearly enough to cover surgery.

The other part of my blues is the further realization that things won't ever be the same in one of the most important parts of my life. I'd been hoping and praying I could keep the relationship going the way it used to be. I kept hoping that my devotion in staying faithful would leave a door open for fires to rekindle. I've passed on opportunities saving myself for what I hoped would be. Unfortunately it has become painfully apparent to me I was wrong. It is beyond hope and I need to take what I can out of the relationship and learn to enjoy what I get.

The question then becomes what next? I miss intimacy so. To just be lovingly touched, to be kissed deeply, to be made to feel really good about myself. Right now I feel like an outcast, nobody decent is willing to do these things I desire, or if they do they haven't asked. Of course some of it is my refusal to just fool around. I don't want to be somebody's plaything. I want to be more than a one night stand. I want to be loved for who and what I am. Unfortunately that is rare even for "normal" folks and I have allot more baggage than most of them.

I haven't even thought much about a plan if things worked out this way. I don't even know which side of the buffet table to check out. For now I think I'm just going to sit here at my table with my bread and water as I figure shit out. I need to place some closure on this part of my life no matter how much it hurts. It's what is in the best interest for both of us. I never thought I'd have to say it's over with her. I thought our love was so strong it could overcome any mountain. I guess this one was just too damn high for either one of us. At least it was a great love that still is a great friendship. No matter what happens from here in those immortal words of Casablanca at least her and I "will always have Paris." And boy our Paris was grand.

Love to all and g'nite.

The case of the exploding penis...

No it's not the new messed up Nancy Drew book, and the penis was actually a penis shaped cake. One of my best friends is going for surgery soon and they had a party to celebrate. So I borrowed an idea I heard about from another such party, made her a cake shaped like a penis, and carefully hid a balloon filled with strawberry syrup inside to give it that blood effect. It was so easy, before I frosted the cake I simply removed enough cake place the balloon in the hole, and frosted over it all. It got so many laughs it was worth it. She is going in the next few weeks, and while I will miss her while she is gone, I am so happy for her finally getting her body to match her mind. Her's has been a tough struggle, she has lost much more than I yet still goes on. God's speed hun, glad your dream is about to come true. Wish I could be there for you when you get out. Hopefully someday I'll get there myself.

As for me I've been very busy. Work has been hectic too say the least, now till Christmas is our busiest time of the year. When not working I've been frantically splitting my time between working on the book, and my kids blankets I am crocheting them for Christmas. I haven't had much time, but that is good because it keeps me from getting too down about not being any closer to my goal of surgery. At least I have the comfort that everyone treats me as a woman. That is the most important part of the trip afterall. It wouldn't matter if I had a vagina and nobody treated me as a woman. While I still have Mr. Happy everyone treats me as though I don't. While it is comforting, it is also frustrating to be so close yet so far. I guess I should be thankful for what I have.

Sorry for being so short and unfocused. Hopefully soon I can get back to a more regular schedule.

Love to all, take care, and g'nite.

3 years and counting...

3 years ago tonight I lived in the northwest hills of CT and we were having the worst ice storm in over 50 years. But inside my cute little home there was a private storm brewing of my own. It was on this night that I decided I finally had to tell Co about my feelings. It was the longest weekend of my and probably her life as well. At first it looked bad for us, not only as a couple but as friends.

Yet with hard work, compromise, and going slow we are still best friends. It amazes me that we found a way to make things work. Yes I wish we were able to find a way to make it work as a couple, but hey I'm one of the few folks in my situation that have as close a relationship as Co and I have. It took tons of hard work from both sides, and I'm sure there were times where both of us just wanted to quit and walk away. But we kept at it and tried hard to make things work.

I think it is a testament of true friendship indeed. So many times in our life we meet people and they are in our life for a bit but then fade back out quickly. There are also folks who are brought together in crisis or common interest. Sometimes in times of conflict friendships may seem stronger than they truly are. People do have a habit of latching onto to something new and try to use it as a replacement for something they've lost. Co and I have been through allot. We've been friends since the late 80's and are still going strong. Yeah we have our tough times, but we work them out and keep going. I am blessed in having her in my life.

I have also had the pleasure of meeting a few folks in the last few years that I will be able to have a great friendship with too. One of them has faded from the picture since she found a new love and moved out of town. The other has recently moved closer and we hang out allot together. But it isn't just about hanging out, it's having a connection, a common past, a common outlook and a common goal in life. Luckily for the most part I've been lucky in finding a few folks like this.

No matter what though I find it hard to imagine that anyone could ever get as close to me as Co has. We have been married, have kids, and have a long history together. That though isn't going to stop me from trying to have more than one strong friendship indeed. I just hope that no matter what Co and I will always be there for each other, and in someway part of each other's lives.

Gotta run.

Love to all and g'night.

The letter....

It's occurred to me that is time for me to type up a little letter to send to relatives on my dad's side. I haven't seen them since my change, and he hasn't been able to bring himself to tell them. I just don't want to have to come out at someone's funeral or the like and think it's best to be proactive rather than reactive. It will be the mother of all christmas letters I guess...
"not much is new here, other than the fact I've decided to live as a woman for the rest of my life."

I'm not sure how one family will take it. They are such born agains it isn't funny. It's not that I need their approval or anything, I'm just tired of losing people. The biggest loss has been that of Co's family. Her brother lives upstairs from her, and I went over to see her and the kids tonight. As I was going in he was coming out, he just stopped himself from coming out when he spotted me. I don't know if he was waiting for me to say hello, or he hates me so much he couldn't bring himself to say hi? It hurts alot that this is how things have degraded. Her family had become my family years before we were even married, and now nobody will even talk to me. I have lost a big part of my life, and there is a whole in my heart that will never heal in losing them in my life.

I'm hoping my family will be more understanding. If not I guess I'm just going to have to be thankful for what I do have and move on. I wish more folks could just understand this and not treat me like a leper. I'm not a child molester, or murder, drug user or pusher. I didn't kill anyone, or mess around on my wife, or even beat her. Yet I get treated at times like I've done all of above. I look forward to a day where hopefully none of this shit matters and I will get to fill the holes in my heart.

Love to all and g'nite.

Holy hot-flashes Batman...

Ok so this weekend I tried injectable estrogen for the first time. I'm trying to save my liver, and this is supposed to help. I had wanted to be done with all the meds by now, but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way.

It hurt a bit, more after the fact than during the shot itself. But today holy f'n shit was I feeling side effects. I had wicked hot-flashes nearly all day. I have never felt like that before. It felt as if my skin was on fire from underneath. I felt flush and distracted and wanted nothing more than to go home strip naked and jump into a tub of ice. By afternoon it calmed down a bit, it wasn't constant at least.

I'm going to have to evaluate things these next two weeks to see if I'm going to continue with this delivery system for hormones. I don't want to hurt my liver, but I also don't want to have the hot-flashes either.

I guess I'm kinda getting what I hoped for though. I've always wanted to feel what it was like to be a real gen female, and now I'm feeling the hot-flashes they get during menopause. I know it's not much, but at least I've tasted it.

I do get tired from time to time of all we have to go through to reach our destinations. Gen gals do nothing but be born, we have to go through hell and back to get to the same place. I am glad that most of the gen gals in my life realize this and haven't given me too much grief. They have seen the hard work I've put into things, they know what I had to give up, and they treat me like one of their own. Thank God for small favors.

Love to all and g'nite. I've gotta go find some ice to chew on.

It Is Your Destiny...

Ok let me tell you right off the bat I'm still a Star wars geek. I've been in love with the series since my parents took me as a little pajama clad boy to see the first at the drive-inn so many years ago. I now own all of the episodes having added the latest just the other day.

I like the last one the best not only for all the eye candy explosions and fight scenes. It is because Anikin finally realizes his destiny and just goes with it. I feel such a kinship to his character, we both are victims of our destinies. Now I'm not saying I'm evil like him, unless you're my born-again cousins, or my daughter's social worker from her school, I'm sure you'll agree. Nevertheless, we both were driven to places neither one of us wanted to go, but we both only had that destination possible to us.

I never wanted to be trans, just as he never wanted to be evil. I did put up a bit more of a fight than he did I must say, but we both had the same results. It's funny how a science fiction movie rings so true to life. But basically it is a story of good vs evil and how we will do almost anything for love. For me I fought like hell to beat an unbeatable force, for him he let himself be manipulated to save the woman he loved.

I only hope those are the only similarities in our stories. I really don't want to end up wearing a black leather suit, a mask, and breathing heavy, unless I'm getting paid well for my services that is. I'm kidding... Seriously I hope mine is a happier ending, one where I get to keep my soul, and finally reach a happy destiny.

Love to all, g'nite and may the force be with you always.

Farewell to an originator...

As you most like heard Rosa Parks died today at a ripe old age of 92. She did so much with her time for doing something so simple. I'm not black, but I and others owe her a great deal of gratitude today. When she "sat down" for her rights she started a ball rolling towards civil rights for all. She kindled a dream, and saw part of it become reality. If not for a 42year old seamstress sticking up for herself, and saying enough was enough, we might be still eating at segregated lunch counters, and have glbt people hiding deep in there closets.

But it wasn't just the fact that she fought for civil rights, she showed the world it could be done in a civil manner. She didn't start a riot, or a war, or tell black folks to go loot whitey's stores. No she and others did it with peaceful protests and got us there.

Thank you Ms. Parks for being brave. Thank you for helping all of us who are not white, straight, republicans, have rights too. Thank you for helping inspire Dr. King's dream. I hope someday we see it fulfilled completely. Sleep well, you have worked hard and deserve your peaceful slumber.

Love to all and g'nite.

Checking back in...

Ok sorry for my absence. Not much has been resolved since last I blogged. I still need to lay low until everything eventually blows over. Things are otherwise generally well. Work is ok, selling lots of original ad ideas, which is a nice place to pour my creative side. Co and the kids are well which is good.

Social life is same as usual, non existent. I had talked a couple of gals to go to creative cocktail hour last week, but they both backed out. That's the story of my life, I try real hard to make some mainstream friends and hang out, and I always get stood up.

The book is coming along great too. I'm actually done writing about my life up to now. I have the last paragraph left half written which is a wrap up chapter. Now all I have to do is finish putting my handwritten pages into my word processor. I'm up to 1998 on the computer, so I'm approaching the end. I hope to finish up by Christmas, read it over, and then decide whether or not I'm going to try and have it published. Once that is out of the way I can get on with my fiction stories I've been toying with.

Oh well, enough said, hope all is well with you all.


Love to all, until we meet again, take care.

Stepping away to fight...

Due to some recent events I am currently in a battle with the state over my fitness as a parent. I don't want to go into anything at this time, but I assure you that I will let you know what happened when the smoke clears. I am sure that everything will end up working itself out fine. Anyone who knows me and my kids know how I care for them, and how much I love them. I am confident that the state will find nothing wrong at all with the way I treat them, I hope they are the same about who I am.

I just need to make sure I conserve all my energies for the task ahead of me, sorry I won't be writing my usual borring crap for awhile.

Love to all, be well, and take care.

A brave new world...?

Saturday marks a big day for gay and Lesbian couples as Connecticut becomes a rainbow state by allowing civil unions. While I am happy for them, I do have to wonder what kind of backlash is going to be created by the DOMA morons and the rest of the religious right.

We are currently lucky enough to live in a state that is willing to take a step like this. As for transexuals we have hate crime legislation, that while it is a little more than window dressing is also a step towards a better world. I am worried to an extent that the whole civil union issue might rally the religious right with their white robes and hoods in their closest in trying to take things back.

We also have to worry about "monkey boy" and the fact that he is about to appoint not only 1 but 2 people into the supreme court. I do admit that yes I did vote for him the first time, and I didn't regret it then, he was a much better choice than Gore was, but I thought he went too far, and voted for Kerry the last election. It scares me that he has a problem keeping his religion and his duties separate. I know he thinks he's doing it for the good of society,not hate, but he also thought there were WOMD in Iraq. If he gets 2 conservatives into the highest court in the land we could be looking at all the advances the GLBT community has gotten over the last few years fade away like wisps of smoke.

We all have to remember history in how people with supposedly good intentions have really fucked things up for society. The Catholic church killed many people in the name of God for simply refusing to worship their God. The Muslims extremists are doing it today. Napoleon conquered a big part of Europe in trying to build a better world.Hell white folks took poor savages out of Africa and saved them by bringing them here and teaching them about Jesus, of course we treated them like farm animals in return of all we did for them.(mighty white of us) Hilter brought Germany out a major depression, and rebuilt so much in that country before starting his ultimate agenda. So many Germans who thought it was all for the greater good gave up right after right until there were no rights left. Then Hitler proceeded to make his psychotic fantasies a gruesome reality. In our own country don't forget how scared we were of the red menace and how we let McCarthy ruin many innocent peoples lives in trying to protect the country.

It doesn't matter what your political beliefs or religion are, absolute power corrupts, it has happened too many times in human history to name all the times it has been proven so. I think we need to tread carefully before we piss off the religious right so much that they are willing to getting rid of us at any cost and we all suffer.

Myself I am happy that we are making strides in our state and in our country. I am though not going to any rallies, not having any parties. Instead I chose to sit smugly content knowing that we have made another milestone, and know that there are many to go on this long trip. We must remember not to try to get ahead of ourselves, and take things one step at time.

Love to all, and of course g'nite.

There goes the neighborhood...

Ok sorry I really don't mean what the title says, but it was eye catching. I do however have some new neighbors moving in, and contrary to the title, they will be a welcome addition.

Mom and I have a 3 family house, and one of the tenants recently moved out. After much armtwisting and whining I convinced one of my tranny friends and her tranny roommate to take the apartment. I'm so happy to have them here, it's cheaper than what they were paying at their old place, and they can be safe here. It is a quiet neighborhood, and the other tenant knows about me and is totally cool with things.

I really haven't had much time to blog lately. I've been pouring most of my creative efforts into working on the book. I'm over half way done, so I'm excited. I still have some edits to do on several chapters, but I might actually be done by the end of the year. After that who knows? I might publish it, or might sit on it, but I won't decide either way until I finish it for sure. No matter what it has been a very therapeutic exercise for me all around.

Love to all, and g'nite

Shh there's a lady present...

I love the fact that I am treated like a woman by most folks. In the last few days I've been reminded of this fact on 2 separate occasions.

Yesterday I was visiting with the owner of a bar that is refurbishing his establishment to see if he wanted to advertise his grand opening. There were contractors scurrying around like busy little bees, when one of the contractors yelled out "hey Bill, where the fuck do you want to run the God-damn wiring?" Bill quickly got red faced and shouted back "hey you moron, watch your language, there's a lady present." I just smirked and went back to my task at hand. Little did they know that I probably have a worse habit of profanity than they do. I wasn't about to point this out though, let the men think they are being polite around a lady. Which is another thing I am not, I may be female of sorts, but I ain't ever claimed to be a lady.

Today I was waiting on the owner of gun store for a bit. I was getting bored, so I went over to a display and picked up a hunting rifle. the look the guys got on their faces as I raised the gun in the proper fashion and fixed my sights on the head of some poor animal on the wall. I have shot many different guns in the past, one of my best friends was a gun nut for awhile and he let me shoot all the guns he had. He had everything from assault weapons before they were banned, to heavy duty rifles and pistols. The worse one to shoot were the 357 magnum handgun, and the 30/30 rifle. Man those had some kick. I've never been hunting though, it just seems so inhumane. I don't see how they can call something a sport, when only one of the players has all the equipment. Give the animals some weapons and teach them how to use them, then we can call it sport.

The guys must not have seen allot of women checking out the guns. One of the guys seemed turned on by a woman with a gun in her hand. The silence was deafening, until finally one of the guys yelled out to the owner "Hey Bob hurry up, she's getting so tired of waiting she's picking up guns to come get you." I smirked back and said "no, no don't rush him, I know he keeps his gun loaded, and I don't know what kind of ammo, this one takes." I got a pleasant chuckle back.

For all the sorrow having to wait for surgery brings into my life, it is nice to have the feeling that basically I am already a woman. I might still have my male anatomy, but only a handful of folks know that. Everyone else treats me as I appear a woman. It is hard to wait, especially when you can't even see your target on the horizon, for now I guess I'm going to have to take what I get, appreciate the little things, and keep trodding forward, trying to be ladylike of course.

Love to all,watch your language, and g'nite.

Sunday's Sad Parade

The Soft Parade-The Doors
When I was back there in seminary school,
there was a person there
Who put forth the proposition,
that you can petition the lord with prayer
Petition the lord with prayer,
petition the lord with prayer
You cannot petition the lord with prayer!
Can you give me sanctuary,
I must find a place to hide,
a place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum,
I can't make it anymore,
the man is at the door
Peppermint, miniskirts, chocolate candy,
champion sax and a girl named sandy
There's only four ways to get unraveled,
one is to sleep and the other is travel,
One is a bandit up in the hills,
one is to love your neighbor 'till
His wife gets home
Catacombs,
nursery bones,
winter women, growing stones
Carrying babies, to the river
Streets and shoes, avenues,
leather riders
Selling news,
the monk bought lunch
Ha ha, he bought a little,
yes, he did, woo!
This is the best part of the trip,
this is the trip,
the best part
I really like, what'd he say? ,
I'm proud to be a part of this number
Successful hills are here to stay,
everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play,
welcome to the soft parade
All our lives we sweat and save,
building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say,
somehow to defend this place
Everything must be this way,
everything must be this way,
The soft parade has now begun,
listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun,
a cobra on my left
Leopard on my right,
The deer woman in a silk dress,
girls with beads around their necks
Kiss the hunter of the green vest,
who has wrestled before
With lions in the night
Out of sight!,
the lights are getting brighter
The radio is moaning,
calling to the dogs
There are still a few animals,
left out in the yard
But it's getting harder,
to describe sailors,
to the underfedTropic corridor,
tropic treasure
What got us this far,
to this mild equator?
We need someone or something new
Something else to get us through,
cmonCallin on the dogs,
callin on the dogs
Oh, it;s gettin harder,
callin on the dogs
Callin in the dogs,
callin all the dogs,
callin on the gods
You gotta meet me,
too late,
Slay a few animals,
at the crossroads,
too late
All in the yard,
but it's gettin harder,
by the crossroads
You gotta meet me,
oh, we're goin,
we're goin great
At the edge of town,
tropic corridor,
tropic treasure
Havin a good time,
got to come along,
what got us this far
To this mild equator? ,
outskirts of the city,
you and i
We need someone new,
somethin new,
somethin else to get us through
Better bring your gun,
better bring your gun
Tropic corridor,
tropic treasure,
we're gonna ride and have some fun
When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes
And make them sleep, and cry

Yeah I know that is a long quote to lead into a blog, and one hell of an f'd up song, but may of the lyrics ring true, and describe my own soft sad parade this Sunday.

Firstly Jim was right you cannot petition the lord with prayer. Yes there is a God, and I don't want to go into the whole arugument on what or who he/she is, I do know that you can't ask God for stuff and expect to get it. God is way too busy to worry about our every need. Basically we are put here with the tools we need to get by, and the rest is up to us.

I love the lyrics of the Doors, I feel such a kinship with him. I used to sit and listen to my Doors tapes for hours on end, or course usually by myself while drinking. Not the healthiest of things to do, but I'm still alive. This song also is right about the fact that all we do is sweat and save building for a shallow grave. So many people in this world are dead and don't even know it. They just worry about the material, the here and now, without really enjoying the things that truly make life worth living.

Part of the reason I'm sad, beside my usual Sunday malaise from Co and the kids going home is the fact I watched Armagedon last night on TV. I know it was mainly supposed to be an eye candy movie with lots of explosions, cools stuff, and manly man stuff, but it truly is a sad movie to me. One of the supporting casts members has a son that doesn't even know him. It hitrealized watching when I realised that my own son won't remember his dad. He was so little when I transitioned that he really won't have memories of me being his dad. I know it's great that I am still able to be in his life and still be a caring parental unit, but I still feel bad that I have rorealize son of a dad. I realise that the other option I had was much worse, I could have done myself in, and he would have no one. The whole thing does still makes me sad.

The other thing that main charecter sacrafices his own life in order to save the world. This really hit me hard. In my own male life I used to pray for my life to end this way. Not exactly to die saving the world, but saving someones life. I didn't want to transition, I didn't want to have to put myself and all my loved ones through the whole ordeal. For me it would be a greatway out and a plus if it was an horable one that was filled with self sacrifice. My suffering would have been over and done with, and I would have never to transition, and would have died happy being a man.

I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible male life. Quite the contrary, I had a great life. Beautiful wife, nice house, killer job, two beautiful kids, I was in all aspects but one in 7th heaven. I just couldn't be happy with myself being who I was. I wish things could have been different, but as the song says "everything must be this way." For some reason, this was meant to be, and a much better fate than many other things that could have been thrown my way.

Hope you all had a great weekend, the weather was beautiful, and did spread some sunshine on my down demeanor.

Love to all, and g'night.

Groups, the final frontier...

Support group the final frontier.
A lifetime mission to try to get a word in.
To listen to new thoughts and ideas.
To boldly go where no one would sanely go.

Ok if Gene Rodenberry was buried in the ground instead of having his ashes in space he'd be rolling over in it right now. That is how I have felt about support groups mostly, actually that's the nice version of my opinion. I have just had the worse luck with groups even before transitioning. I used to help out for a local Lyme Disease support group in support of a friend who had it bad. I don't care if it's a bunch of trannies or any other group support group can be an adventure.

Last night I went to a new group. This one is different than any other group I have ever been in. The main difference it is moderated by a therapist. There's less chance of someone hijacking the meeting, of someone being continually hurtful to others in the group. Will those things and other still happen? Sure they will, but they will be dealt with accordingly. It is nice to find this kind of group. Any time I went to my other groups and I needed to talk about something there always seemed to be a group hog, usually a newbie, talking about something so minor in comparison. I know it is important to them at that development level of transition, but having passed that level, and having a hurt I couldn't bring out I got mad.

It's a shame I miss some people from my main group, but I am not going to take away from the little time I get to spend with my kids to go get pissed. It just isn't worth it to me. I'm hoping this new group is a better final frontier. I really could use a place to talk to others in the same boat I am about things. I know some of the folks in the group already, and am getting to know the others.I did pick up a really great term last night there "vanilla nation" in reference to normal straight people who can't handle folks or even the idea of folks like us. All I pictured was Pat Robertson doing a parody of Janet Jacksons "Rhythm Nation" video, along with cameos by GW, and David Duke. Thats all I can share, sorry I can't be more specific, but group is like Vegas, what happens there, stays there. I don't know if others will stick to this rule, but I like to play by the rules.

Love to all, and have a great day.

A hard days night...

Ok the title sounded good for the theme of the blog lately. I never was a fan of the Beatles, but the words fit.

Last night after posting I sat down with my crocheting and tried to watch several shows on 9-11 that I had been looking forward to. After 5 minutes I had to turn them off, and unfortunately shows about the happenings dominated cable last night. Those events were so terrible, and I had watched so much of it when it happened, I just couldn't bring myself to fully relive it. After I got home on 9-11 I became glued to cable news networks. I spent most of my free time watching Fox news, and MSNBC. I became obsessed with the whole thing, I ate, breathed, slept, and shit news for about 3 months following the events.

For the longest time I hardly watched the news at all, not even local news, except for the weather and sports. I just couldn't bring myself and my addictive personality to go down that road again. I was news burnt. I started watching Fox news originally because of the mainstream media's liberal bias, but after taking a step back I found Fox is just as guilty as skewing the news the other way. I just don't need somebody telling me either way how to feel about stuff. I think it's horrible how people try to manipulate the masses on both sides.

I have recently started watching some network news again. Of course there is always NPR as a decent source of news, a bit liberal, but not as bad as most. I will always have a bit of the old conservative still in me. I hate what I was, and what they are as a group, but somethings I still do believe in.

On a bright note I did find a great show on CPTV on the similarities of the 3 major western religions have for all their fighting. I have always known from my religious upbringing that the Jews and the Arabs are half brothers according to the bible. The both came from Abraham from different mothers. I did not know until last night how similar the Muslim and Jewish religions really are. Allot of the words they use are the same, they both have times of fasting for God, they both have a sort of legal look of how God wants us to act. Everything is very black and white with both, no gray. But yet still there are groups amongst both of them that wants nothing more than to wipe the other group off the face of the earth. With so much in common wouldn't it make sense to go after the real enemy, The Catholic Church and rich white Republicans? They are the source of all evil in the world. Think about it, you might find I am right.

After I finally fell asleep most of my energy was taken up with weird dreams of being back in High School, but as a chick this time. I was hanging out with a bunch of cute guys who seemed interested in me. It's nice for a change to dream about the old days, without having to do it as the old me. I guess it's just my little brain trying to compensate for time lost, and a past that never was. I also had a dream about a group of 20 somethings that had painted their whole bodies gold and blue, in some big mall I had never been in before that wanted me to hang out with them. They thought I was cool, no idea why, but they did for some reason. I can't explain this one, I just hope I don't have to have it again, once was enough on that one.

Gotta go, electrol tonight wore me out. Hopefully tonights dreams won't involve a swarm of electrified bees attacking me.

Love to all, and g'nite.

The Song Remains the Same...

The more things change the more they seem to stay the same. It was a pretty quiet week, which is nice for a change. A few minor things happened, so here's the update.

I just found out on Friday my best friend at work is leaving. I can't blame her, there is one dipshit of a girl that makes her department a hostile place. I can't stand her, she plays dumb, but she's a bitch. I will miss my friend, she was instrumental in bringing me back to the paper, and now she's leaving. It will be hard to adjust to her absence, she was the first person I came out to at that job, I brought her into my world by bringing her to Creative Cocktail Hour at Real Artways. It was nice that in a place where I am trying to live a stealth life I had an ally who knew my daily struggles.

Also on Friday I got to meet a member of the tribe. The other friend I have at work that knows about my whole situation told me about one of the partners in one of our biggest advertisers and how he was leaving to transition. I was flabbergasted when I found out her female name that she was a friend of a friend. As luck would have it, my coworker was out on Friday and I had to go pick up some stuff at this account and got to meet him/her. I hate referring to people in this stage, I never know the right pronoun to use when someone is transitioning, but not full time yet, so I try to go with how they are presenting themselves at a particular time. I introduced myself to him and said we had a common friend. He of course clocked me right away. I don't know what it is but it is so much easier for those in the tribe to spot other members. I myself have spotted many more than I ever knew existed before. We are stronger than the mainstream thinks. They got the guns But we got the numbers Gonna win, yeah We're takin' over. Sorry had to put in another song reference.

Today is also the 4 year anniversary that a day that shook the world, and changed mine. The horrible events that partook that day still burn fresh in my memory. The horrible feeling I had being stuck on business in Boston while a pregnant Co sat at home and worried still haunts me. For awhile that day I didn't know if we were at war or what, or if things would ever be the same again. More personally the whole experience made me realize that we are on this world for a very short time, and that I could never feel complete living the life I was. It was a day that shaped and changed my life indeed. Over time decisions I have made since that day have cost me my job, some friends, closeness with my wife and kids. It took away a Co's husband, and my kids dad too. I do wish things had been different on both fronts. I wish we saw the signs of the attacks coming in time to stop them. I wish I could have just found a way to be happy in the old life, it would have been so much easier. Unfortunately for all of us, neither I guess were possible.

Love to all, and g'nite.

The soundtrack of my current life...

I have always loved music every since I can remember. I have never though enjoyed the mindless rhythmic crap with no soul in its lyrics that is so often played today. I love music from all genres, my only prerequisite is in the content of the lyrics themselves. This weekend I went and downloaded (legally I assure you) a bunch of new songs for my mp3 player.

I downloaded a bunch of songs both happy and sad, from the surreal cover by Paul Anka of Nirvana's smells like Teen spirit, to the haunting wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald by Gordon Lightfoot. Some of these songs speak to me in the here and now, while others are long lasting in my head. A few of them are more special to me at this time then others, and here are some excerpts.

Please come to Boston-written by Dave Loggins, sung by Kenny Chesney

Now this drifter's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt that it's ever gonna stop
But of all the dreams I've lost or found
And all that I ain't got
I still need to lean to
Somebody I can sing to


This song has always been one of my favorites, and when I heard the new version by Kenny Chesney I just had to have it. It is such a strong song about someone reaching out for an old love to join him in his new life. I can feel his pain. It's going to be awhile before I find that someone special in my life. I know my standards are a little high. I don't want to date someone prettier than me(co is the exception to this rule), I don't want to date someone who is needier than me. Of course I have the general standards on age, weight, etc. I really don't want a relationship with someone old enough to have seen me in diapers or young enough that I could have changed theirs. I want someone who cares about themselves, tries to stay healthy both physically and mentally. Somebody with a moral and value set close to my own. Someday maybe either I'll meet that special someone, or I'll just lower my standards.

Hurt- written by Trent Reznor-sung by Johnny Cash
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here

Ok so this song is a bit dark, yeah and Bush is a bit stubborn at times. The version by Johnny Cash is so haunting. I bought this albulm and played it so much I wore the bitch out. It is his "goodbye" albulm. June hadn't died yet, but you could hear in his voice that he knew both their ends where coming soon. I cannot listen to most of the songs on that albulm without crying. If you like his music go out and buy The man comes around, it's worth every penny.

This song is about the blackness in my soul I feel from the guilt I have in doing this. I feel like the emperor of a pile of nothing. I feel like I have let certain people down, I thought I had beaten my problems, and they came back, I feel like a liar. It speaks of the numbness I sometimes feel in being alone, of how I sometimes feel I am the same, and other people have changed. It is hard when you go through a change like I have, yes I am basically the same person inside, but so much of the outside has changed, that folks do treat you differently. I just need to learn how to deal with it.

parabola- written and performed by Maynard of Tool
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate
this chance to be alive and breathing
a chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment.
Remember.
we are eternal.
all this pain is an illusion.

I love this song so much I want to have some it's lyrics tattooed on me someday. This song reminds me that this life is a gift,we need to treat it as such. We need to soak up each experience, and enjoy life for what it is, and do something in this world to help our bigger eternal life. It reminds me that the pain in this world is just an illusion, it is temporary, non important in the eternal realm of things. We are eternal, we can sit and argue for no good reason where we go after we die, and what we do, but the truth is plain and simple, we do go on. We need to focus more on the health of our souls than our place here in the materail here and now. It is this belief that helps me deal with all the pain and suffering we have in this world. It makes me not weep for days on end for what happened on the gulf coast. There is so much pain and suffering going on there and around this earth that it could overwhelm you if not for the big picture of things.

These are the songs that make up my mood lately, thanks for listening, hope you all have songs that make you feel, think, be alive. Thats what music is made for, to make us think, to tell a story, to open our minds. Remember the mind is like a parachute, it only works when it's open.

Love to all, and g'nite.

The two sides of "flipping one's wig"...

Ok it's not too many times I get to cover two very different sides of the spectrum with just one title.

Last night I flipped my wig, big time, and if I had a weapon I would have killed a man. I have been experiencing tooth pain for awhile, and had set up an appointment at Aspen dental 2 weeks ago for last night at 7:10pm. I showed up early and started ready the old People magazines that littered the waiting room. The old me would go for Popular Science, or Popular Mechanics. Doing that these days would bring unwanted attention to me, so I go for the mind numbing People instead. I did learn however and much to my shock that supposedly Marilyn Monroe and Joan Crawford had a one night lesbian fling. The thought of those two as a couple is mind numbing and interesting at the same time. "no, not the double action vibrating black thunder with spikes mommy dearest..." Sorry I couldn't help myself.

So anyway as I am patiently waiting and imagining all sorts of odd things about those two I sat for awhile. About 7:40 they call me up to the desk to tell me they won't be able to see me that night. I calmly and politely informed them that I recently changed jobs and my insurance was running out on Wednesday. They went back to tell the Dr. and were trying to convince the dickhead to see me. After another 10 minutes he agreed. He sat me down, started telling me how long his day had been. He worked a whole 8 hours without a real break, only taking 5 minutes here and there to snack. Awww poor baby, I should have gone and gotten him a fucking diaper out in the car. He took a quick 10 second look in my mouth and told me "nope I'm sorry it's going to take me 30minutes. I too hungry and tired, it will take too long." At this point I scoped out what dental tools were around that I could stick in his neck and twist till his eyes popped out his head. Kill the pig, slit it's throat, badger it, badger it! I was so filled with rage and anger it wasn't funny. I took a deep breath, collected my things and walked out of the office crying.

What you wanna make something of it, yeah I cried, I'm allowed to do that now, and I can still kick your ass too.

I was so upset. I had an appointment, I was in pain, my insurance was running out, I knew I was/am screwed. I wrote a nasty email to the corporate office which I'm sure will get me know satisfaction. So my dear readers I will tell you, DON'T GO TO ASPEN DENTAL, ANYWHERE, ANYHOW. THEY PROVIDE ZERO CUSTOMER SERVICE, AND HAVE DR'S THAT ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES.

The other side of "flipping my wig" came today. I have been working on an ad for a hairdresser who is moving to a new salon. I for some reason have been afraid of hairdressers since my transition. I figured they would see right through my wig and make me. It's odd but the only two things I seem to be truly afraid of after my near death episode of last year are teenage girls and hairdressers. I told you why the hairdressers, but I can't even figure out myself why teenage girls. Anyway this gal comes in and she wants to change the picture of herself in the ad. I told her it looked great and she had no reason to change it. She replied "that's easy for you to say, you have beautiful hair, with that nice flip and all."

I was amazed she couldn't spot that it was a wig. I had gotten compliments before, but never from a hairdresser. It was a comforting lift on a day that I needed it. Thank God I get these little moments from time to time. One must learn to cherish these and glean from them what you can instead of focusing on all the bad stuff in your life. Life is too hard and too short to focus on the bad, and there is so much good to found in so many things.

I need to head to bed, last night was full of odd and scary dreams about the end of the world and some weirdo trying to break into the house. Not to mention I actually blogged 2x this week and worked both jobs tonight.

Love to all, don't go to Aspen, and g'nite.

Dis, dat and da utter thing...

Sorry I'm continuing to be an odd mood of late, the title sounded cute. I know I haven't blogged in a bit, haven't had the time to. So I'll try to cover as much as I can.

Work is ok. My boss has been on vacation seeing her brand new grandson, so it has been quiet. Everybody is on pins and needles for her return since her assistant annouced she is leaving at the end of this week. I can't blame her for leaving she is going to make much more $ than she can make at the paper. Everyone is worried that the boss is going to take out her stress on everyone since she will be doing extra work. I worried at first, but I can't really control how she acts, I can control how I react to it. It's taken me over 35 years to learn, but people really shouldn't worry about shit they can't control, it's wasted energy. My boss is a good person inside, she sometimes lets the stress make her seem not so nice. I can't blame her, she has a stressful job as it is, nevermind adding extra work to it. I'm sure we'll all be fine, we did it before and are still alive, we will all get through it this time too.

Speaking of work, I had an odd situation happen today. I was talking with a co-worker about birthdays. Her birthday is coming up, and told her mine as we were born the same year. I said "mine's easy, I'm the first born and my b-day is 1/11." She replied" oh so you were the first twin born? How much older are you?" I said I didn't remember nor did I want to talk about it. I had forgotten part of my cover story with her was I had a twin brother Scott, and Co was married to him, which is why I was always talking to co and doing stuff with her.

I hate the fact that I did that. But I can't turn back the clock and change things now. I was early into my transition when I told her this, I was "young" and didn't know any better. I don't bother making up elaborate stories much anymore, it makes me feel dirty and cheap when I lie like that. I have enough self esteem issues as it is not to have to add more logs to the fire.

It's funny that just last week I saw a show on one of the Discovery channels about people in the witness relocation program. They were interviewing folks that had been in the program, and the hardships they went through in the process. They had to get new names, gave up their friends and family, had no work history, and had to come up with phony histories to fit in. Hmmm sounds awful familiar. Almost every damn Tranny goes through the same shit, minus the government assistance. We lose so much for something that is not our fault. I don't feel sorry for most of the people they talked to. All but one were crooks that were caught and decided to snitch on their cohorts to save their own ass. If they had been responsible, and accepted the punishment for what they had done, they never would have had to go through all that. We don't chose to go through this whole process we have to, we just get to a point where we have 2 choices a. change things or b. end things. Those of us that are still here obviously chose a, even though some of us went for b and failed, thank God.

My Dad's b-day was Saturday, the big 60. Lately though he hasn't been acting his age. He just bought a nice new Corvette, it is so sweet. He also finally dumped his girlfriend of 17 years and started dating a new gal. The new gal is so much nicer than the old one. This gal is alive like my dad, she is sooooo sweet to us and the kids, and is great for my dad. We found out Saturday that when they go to Aruba next month for vacation they are going to get married. I'm so happy for dad, I hope this one lasts. The only bad part is that we don't get to be there. My neurotic brain is making me think it is because my dad doesn't want to have to explain me to relatives at a wedding, but my heart slapped my neurosis upside it's head and made me snap out of it. I guess when you've been through 2 marriages already the 3rd time is not a big deal. I say third times a charm, and I hope I'm right, they seem great for each other.

The bad part about Saturday was seeing my sister. We are so different it isn't funny, I'm blue collar, down to earth, she's a snotty bitch. She still will use my old name both in front of me and behind my back. She obviously isn't very supportive. We were talking about an old neighbor of ours whose sister lived in a nice trailer park. I stated I liked the area, and would love to live there, but they are a 55+ retirement community. She responded "eww a trailer park, how could you tell people you lived in a trailer park, what would they think?!" That there is her problem, she is too concerned what other people think. Some people, like her inlaws don't agree with my life(damn Methodist bastards) so she disagrees too. On a bright note I got to see my little brother, even though we had a little fight back in July that is still being worked out. We both didn't mention it in order to give dad a good day, which was a good thing indeed.

Other than that I've been working hard during the day, working on my book and my blankets at night. I'm trying to keep my hands from being too idle indeed, but soon I will need to start looking for a night job to help things get back on track transition wise. I just need to reset my sleep patterns to human, from the sick half nocturnal one I was forced to have from the last job.

Love to all and g'nite.

I'm not as good as I thought...

Ok today was the first day of the rest of my life, or some bullshit like that. I was happy to be in a safe somewhat sane environment, but of course everything is relative. I was welcomed back by most folks, there were a few who weren't happy to see me, but hey f them. Either I'll grow on them, or I'll just work around them, I've got bigger issues to worry about other than if some schmuck likes me or not.

I was totally blown away though when one of my co-workers that I was close to, but never came out to today asked me something. She first asked "how are the kids?" I told her they were great, and that my daughter would be starting the 2nd grade next week. Then she asks "how's Nicole?" I looked at her puzzled as all hell. With her I always talked about Nicole as "my ex Nick" in order to not have to make up elaborate lies. I asked "who?" She asked again, I still looked puzzled and repeated my question. She goes "Nikki, your ex Nick." I was flabbergasted, and said "yeah my ex is Nick, not Nicole" and walked away. I didn't know what to do, I had been caught. I went and did something for a few moments to clear my head and went back. I asked her how long she had known? She said she "had known for quite awhile, but forgot about the whole thing as she got to know me." She said she didn't care.

It is so nice to just be accepted for what I am. It makes the whole surgery seem somewhat insignificant. I am accepted as a woman by so many people and it is great. That to me is the important part of this, not what parts I have or don't have, but that people accept me for what and who I appear to be. I feared how people would react for so long, it is nice to have my fears proven wrong.

I still plan on not telling the world, thats not me & I think its why people except me. I'm not trying to stand out, I'm trying to blend in and play nice. By not being in peoples faces it makes it easier for them to accept me. I look like a duck, and quack like a duck so they treat me as such. It is nice though that her I and I can now talk for real and I don't have to make up stories anymore. I'm not going to go into full details with her, but at least I know for now I have sort of an ally.

Let's see how long it lasts, and how many other people know too. I'm sure if they do, they won't treat me with as much respect and kindness as she has.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Pooking pa nub...

Ok the only people who get that title watched SNL when Eddie Murphy was a big player there. For those who didn't watch, you won't get it right away.

As I have stated before my current workplace is an interesting place indeed. We are a temp agency, and most of the workers we put out are poc, ex-cons, homeless, or all of the above. When I first started they used to hit on me constantly, until I started telling them off. Eventually I explained enough times that I can't date temps according to company policy so that it stopped for the most part. I should say the hitting on stopped, the staring at my ass didn't.

Well word that I am leaving has finally gotten around, and today I had my first asking for my phone # in a long time. He is an older very tall man,with really big feet, ouch looks to be in his late 40's, and seems pleasant enough. He came up to me, and says he wants to see me again, and admitted he has a crush on me and wants to get to know me better. I am at a loss. There is no way in hell that I'm going to give my phone number to him, it just isn't going to happen. I do think it is sweet that he wants to get to know me better, but am wondering why when he hardly knows me.

I am not looking for love at this time, I'm too afraid that I'm going to hook up with someone who is going to flip out when they figure out my past. I really don't want to hurt anyone, nor do I want to end up on the remembering our dead website. I could however use some friends out of my community. My goals in my transition is not to live my life as a tranny, but to live my life as a woman. Yeah I know, I'm not even totally sure what I mean by that myself. I guess what I am trying to say is I need to do some things that don't revolve around the community, mainstream things that I would be doing anyway if I had just been born a female in the first place. I know it sounds kinda snooty, and holier than though, but I don't mean to be that way. I am not turning my back on my community, it will forever be a part of my life, and is who I am. I just need to live a balanced life with both trans and mainstream. Why am I apologizing for how I live my life? It's mine, I've got no reason to apologize to anyone for that, as long as I don't harm anyone.

Anyway, now that I'm done talking to myself. I am thinking that I may just give this guy my work address, and ask him to write me there to start with. I want to get to know him better before we go to the phone. If he is honest and sincere, he'll do it. The thing is I don't know if he is a murder, rapist, psycho, or a gentleman, and obviously he doesn't know if I am or was either. I am going to do a little research on him before I do this. If he's on the sex offender registry forget it, and I will tell him that. If not, and I can find out some more info I just may. I just don't want to dismiss something right off the bat that may be something I want down the road. You never know when you might need a big male friend to stick up for you one day if nothing else.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful... .

Actually it's a good a reason as any.

Wow did I say that? I'm sorry but I need to add some vanity to my comedy since lately I feel like shit about work. Like I said earlier my leaving my present company has not gone as smoothly as possible. Today I found there were allot more bumps in the road. Turns out the gal I was working with while working on that special project is trying her best to make my leaving not a pleasurable experience. She has been bad mouthing me, and inventing things that I have said about everyone and anyone. The problem is some of these people actually believe her, and I am left to having to apologize for things that never entered my mind, nevermind crossed my chapped lips.

I'm pretty sure she is mad at me because while I was there I found so many problems and abuses of every policy in our book. I corrected what I could, and reported what I could not. I also took the time to explain to her in what I thought was a kind and respectful way why it was wrong to do things that way. She must have not taken it that way. She seems to have taken it personally and is single handedly trying to tear me down.

But you see there is a problem in that. After all I have gone through, and all I continue to go through I can eat trouble makers like her for breakfast. Little back-stabbing minor league psycho gal shit is nothing compared to getting rid of a "chaser", or dealing with a friend from a board who committed suicide, or getting calls from someone you care for telling you they are about to end their life, and try to talk them out it, death threats, being called evil or pervert,having to worry when you use the restroom, or are on a bus or train, or anywhere that someone may figure me out and have an issue with it. Or best of all your own suicide attempt, and trying to put your life together afterwards. These are much bigger issues than some two bit, crack whore, wanna be mental patient can throw my way.

So I carefully crafted a polite email directed at the people I've not only supposedly badmouthed, but they happen to be up the chain of command in the complaint department. I explained that I was hurt by this vicious attack on my good name and my hard work, and why I am really leaving. I haven't talked about it here or there, but I am leaving my current job because I am physically and mentally burned out at this point and time. A good amount of the things burning me out happen to be from my personal life and I did not go into it with them, nor will I here. The 3 involved parties all know my situation, and all I'm going through, so that's all that was needed. This journey is a rough road, and some parts are rougher than most. At this time I need to walk away from a job I do enjoy, but can't devote as much time as is necessary to do it the right way.

I was so pleased to get a response so quickly. The most high up boss called me within the hour, talked to me about things, and made sure I was alright. He also made the offer of a leave of absence instead of a quit, which I declined because I don't know how long this will take. He also told me that once I have "settled things" if there was an opening I was welcome back. It made everything so much better.

I don't know why I didn't just come out and say I was having personal problems from the beginning, it would have made some things so much easier. But you have to remember, I not only represent myself out there, I also have to make sure I don't do things that set my community in a bad light. I know I don't speak or act for the entire community, but if I am the only person that someone has dealt with like me, I might ruin things for the next person like me that comes along. I didn't want to give the impression that I was weak, that I had to be coddled, or given a break because of my "condition." I didn't want to give others the reputation of not being able to handle things because of what we go through. I know it sounds like added pressure, but it is how I feel, and so far it has worked well for me. By watching and weighing how I act and what I say I have saved my butt from some embarrassing situations. If I wasn't doing this I would have sent that "nuclear email" the other day and right now look like a nut job.

Now that I have confessed to them why I am truly leaving I have somehow added a good light I hadn't thought of before. They are ok with the fact I have problems, they are not holding it against me, it's okay for me to human, to be fallible. Part of me is glad I did wait. With all the politics going on right now if I had told them right off the bat, it might have ended differently for me. At least now they know that this gal is a whacko, and why I am leaving now. I hope someday to be back, once I work on me for awhile, and get my own house in order.

Love to all, walk lightly, watch out for whackos at play, and g'nite.

The subtle joy of a quiet week end...

Ah the peace of a "quiet weekend" with the kids was well needed this weekend indeed. Most weekends we run from place to place always trying to do stuff to keep them entertained. This weekend we stayed home, and I cooked.

It was nice to just stay home and relax for a change. We hung out in the pool for a bit on Saturday, and watched a bunch of DVD's. Well actually my son watched the same one 4 times, but my daughter watched some different stuff.

Like I said I did get a chance to cook too. Friday night I made some sheppard pie for Co and I. It usually is a winter dish, but it was a good change. I made it a bit spicy for Co's taste buds, but perfect for me. There's something about spicy food on a hot day that I love indeed. Saturday I made some pizza, and today I made some homemade fried chicken. It's a wonder I'm 250lbs by now. I don't always eat the healthiest foods, but I do try, this weekend though was comfort food weekend. Of course as always it did lend to some interesting conversations in my household. Mom suggested to me that I bread the chicken in corn meal since it is healthier than white flour. I told her I really didn't think it would matter since I was frying the chicken in Crisco, but said we would try that the next time. I did make one faux pas this weekend, trying to make ranch flavored popcorn. Oh well, live and learn. Everything else turned out good, and I got to spend some time doing what I love, so it was all good. I'm not sure where my love of cooking comes from, but I do enjoy it. I love to come up with a dish people like, and get depressed when it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe it's the fact I'm neurotic, but that's the case with most of my life, I always seem to be looking for approval in some way or another. At least with cooking I do get some joy just by being able to create and use my brain to come up with new dishes.

Unfortunately I didn't get to go to Twenty this weekend. I was thinking about it, and was back and forth about it, but when push came to shove I was enjoying spending time with the kids too much this weekend. Next weekend I'll try to take them again to the beach, and the weekend after is my dad's b-day, so it was our last quiet weekend for a bit.

I also added a comment option so folks can comment without having to have a blog membership. Let me know your thoughts, but be aware, I get a little testy at times, and do comment back. It is my blog after all.

Love to all, if you find a recipe for ranch popcorn let me know, and g'nite.

Enjoying wieners in the park...

Ok maybe I do have a perverted/sick sense of humor lately, or maybe the mailman's right and I need to get some. Today I went down to NYC for my audition/test for the daytime version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was a great day, took the train down,talked to this handsome fellow, who was easy on the eyes, and at least 6'4" tall. The few men I do find myself attractive to are the tall athletic type and he fit the bill. He is in sales, and so am I so we talked shop. It helped pass the time for the ride in at least.

So once I hit grand central, I took the shuttle over to times square. I didn't really go out of the station, instead walking around and soaking up the sounds of the subway musicians. This is where the real heart of music lives, not on some store shelf in a pretty package some marketing guy thought looked nice. No it lives in the music of these folks who play down below ground. I heard so many styles and so many different instruments down there it was incredible. I think it would be great to one day set up a sort of subway orchestra and put all the different sounds together. My favorite had to be the guy playing a saw. It was incredible what sounds he made come out of that thing, if I had the $ I would have bought a cd from him. Anyway I took the subway over to Lincoln center and then walked to the meeting place.

I got there a bit early, and it was less than a block from Central Park, so I decided to go for a stroll. It was nice, and nothing like I had pictured at all. I went over bought a street dog, sat in the park, hence the title. Worked on a blanket I'm knitting and went to the audition. There were close to 100 people there to take the test, and it was harder than I had imagined. Only 8 people passed and moved onto the interview. Unfortunately I wasn't one of them. I am disappointed, but not discouraged. I will try again. I just wanted to break the trend and be a tranny that goes on TV not to say hey world look at me, but to just try and be normal. Maybe someday I'll reach that goal, I think more of us should try to fit in, instead of standing out. For now I'm going to keep on working towards my goals, and pray to win the powerball. Even though I failed at this, I can always say I tried. I don't know too many people from around here that have tried out for a game show, at least I have that. Of course that and $2.50 will get you a small coffee at Starbucks, but hey I'm easy to please.

The fun part was on the way back. The line for the ladies room was so damn long. I know, it's what women face everyday, but it was my first long line. I guess I can get a merit badge or something now. The thing that really bothered me was using a public restroom in NY. If I remember right 8 million folks live there, and I'd venture at least the same come to visit. If you go with the average of slightly more women then men in the world, any toliets could have had anywhere around 8 million different people use them. Now add in these odd diseases that go around, which the odds are one in a million of catching. Well with those numbers I could have 8 different kind of cootties swiming around my ass right now. I'm only half kidding, the other half of me wants to go scrub my bottom and burn my panties. I was in a hurry so I couldn't hover, not to mention the bathroom didn't have hand rails in there. Man sometimes I wonder why I couldn't beat this, and be happy being a dude who could pee standing up.

Love to all, pratice your hover, and g'nite.

Um now wait a minute there Mr. Postman...

Now Mr. Postman I can see,
You got a real interest in me.
But there's something you must know,
I've got a package down below.
So you better wait a minute..
Oh please Mr. Postman....

Ok so it's not the classic lyrics but man do they fit. In the office I am filling in at we have the most flirtatious mailman I've ever met. The whole time I was there in July he would come in and tell me how he loved my smile, and how beautiful I was. While I don't mind the compliments, I'm wondering how good our postal workers vision plan is. I don't get why this guy is so flirtatious with me, when I don't feel I look good lately. Maybe he does read me and he's into that, but I don't know, from his comments I highly doubt that. Some of the lines he's used on me are:"I used to be a photographer, and I know natural beauty, and honey you are a natural beauty"& "Ashley I said a prayer of thanks last night to God thanking him for making you, cause only he could have made a woman so beautiful as you"(I guess I should pass those 2 to Dr.P, he'll appreciate his work being noticed). Yesterday while talking to my dad on the phone mind you I asked him how he was to which I got "I'm still dark and delicious, and you're still light and sweet." I smiled and blushed and told him kiddingly he should behave because I was on the phone with my dad, and got" well you tell him I said he made a gal who was light and sweet." I don't know if my dad or I laughed harder at that one, it was a new and funny experience for the both of us. Today my lack of sleep last night showed on my face and when he came in he commented on how I looked tired. I told him I didn't sleep well from the stress of the day. He replies "I need to give you my number, I'd come over, give you a back massage, and then make sweet love to you. If you got some loving you'd sleep fine." I was beside myself, still am.

I've never know anyone to be so forward outside of a bar, and even in a bar I haven't gotten a line like that. I'm both flattered, and amazed by his forwardness in his comments. It makes me laugh everyday and provides me a nice little lift in the middle of my day. Somehow it makes getting up so early not so bad at all. I'm tempted to give him one of my email addy's before I leave, he is a handsome black man, maybe late 30's early 40's, and in great shape. The problem is I'm not ready for a relationship right now involving "sweet love making", a back massage maybe, but not interested in "getting some dick" right now, in fact I'm trying to get rid of some as we speak. Sorry I couldn't resist that one, it's been a long day.

On the other part of the work front, I'm leaning away from nuclear, and hitting hard with kindness. I'm thinking I'm going to send a thank you/goodbye letter thanking heavily those who are currently being attacked, thus taking the wind from the attackers sails, and still making them look bad when their story doesn't add up. I really don't see how much a venomous letter will help my cause more than this avenue. I also have learned that when it comes to the battles of words and personal interaction the antidote for hatred is kindness, not more hatred. So far doing this has served me well in life, I think I need to go with what works, and keep the nukes for a latter date.

Tommorow I have my audition so I get to sleep late, I'll make sure I let you know how I do either way.

Love to all, remember to tip your mailman, and g'night.

Leave the world a crispier place...

Ok I've always tried to live by the adage to leave the world a better place than when you found it. I've also always tried to burn no bridges. Both those are being thrown out the door in me leaving my current job but not by my choice. And I'm not happy at all about it.

From the begging of my current job 2 of my three bosses have been fighting. Common barnyard rooster chest-thumping, with me stuck in the middle. I have been told by both of them not to listen to the other in order to go far. One has been more involved in this than the other. This one decided to use my leaving as ammo to go after the other one. I don't care if they want to stand in the barnyard and beat the crap out of each other all day, I just don't need to be in the middle. Well turns out the more aggressive rooster is claiming I am leaving because of the other boss, and that other boss called me upset today. He was upset that I said these things about him, and never came to him. The truth is I never said anything to anyone on specifically why I was leaving. But I took it a step further. Mr. Aggressive boss asked my boss to have me send any emails that might show the other boss being a jerk. So I told the other guy to watch his back.

I know I just started WWIII, but I really don't care at this point. I hate the fact that this jerk used me to get at the other one. I am on the edge of going "nuclear" with the whole thing, by writing an email to the big boss stating that a big reason for my leaving is that I'm sick of bullshit I've had to endure with the cock fighting.

I think it's too late to try and save bridges when the whole interstate has been ripped apart. I am going to think it over this week, and if I decide to send it I'll do it next week sometimes. I know it's going to raise some massive fighting once I've gone, but I really don't want to go back to this hell hole anyway. I have never dealt with such a bunch of immature infighting my whole professional life.

I'm going to still finish my time with them, and continue to do my job, but I am pissed. This week I am back covering down in Fairfield county, so I'm up at 3am again, man I need my head examined.

I'm hoping not to have too much trouble as I finish out my time there. I'm not looking forward to having to go nuclear, but I really don't see any other way to teach someone a lesson without doing anything but. It seems childish, but sometimes it is proper to fight fire with fire.

In the words of Mr. Reagan. "Inform the Russians, we start the bombing in 10 minutes." Ok so I may not have it right, but you get the idea.

Love to all, nuke 'em hard, and g'nite.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk...

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing Lord that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday,
That makes the body feel alone.
And there's nothing short of dieing,
That's half as lonesome as the sound,
As a sleeping city sidewalk,
And Sunday morning coming round...
Johnny Cash

I hate Sunday's really I do, and if I were the type to go get stoned that would be my day. It's not due to the fact I have to go back to work tomorrow, or any flashbacks to my Catholic upbringing (stand, sit, kneel, feel guilt). Anyone who is also a recovering Catholic gets that little dig. My problem with Sunday stems from the fact my kids go home on Sunday, it is by far the hardest day of the week.

I cannot describe how much it hurts when they go home, I have them for such a short time every week. I am blessed in the fact that I get to see my kids weekly, so many in my boat don't get to see their kids as much if at all. It still doesn't make it any easier. It's so hard watching them pull away with their mom heading home to their regular life, in their home, a life and home without me. It almost feels like I've gone from a parent to a crazy aunt they come see on the weekend.

This weekend I had an extra pain on my heart. My son was playing with his Mr. Potatoe Head set, which comes with several different sized potatoes, when he asked me "which one is the daddy?" I told him the daddy could be any of the ones he wanted to be the daddy. I then proceeded to ask him if he knew who his daddy is? "I don't have a daddy" he replied. "Yes you do" I replied, only to be countered by a very stern "NO I DON'T !"

This side of things is so hard. Not to many people in my community have little kids like I do, they tend to transition later in life when their kids are all grown up. My kids are little enough that it should be easier on them than it would be if they were teenagers but tough none the less. I am having little trouble with my daughter who will be 7 in October, she seems to get it, but my son is only 3. I have enough trouble trying to describe this to adults never mind someone that young. It rips my heart out to think of how he feels that he has no daddy. I love my kids with all my heart. They are my reason for still being here, for not throwing in the towel and just ending my life. But the guilt I feel sometimes for "taking away their daddy" is more than I can bear sometimes. Eventually Co and I will have to talk to him, but for now I guess he will just have to go on thinking the way he does. I hope it doesn't scar him for life.

On a brighter note I haven't talked about it here but I have an audition for a game show on Wednesday. I won't name the show or where I have to go, but if I pass the test I'll let you all know, and if I get on the show I'll let you know a day or two before it airs. I'm planning on being stealth on the show, so shhhs. Hopefully I can win enough cash and prizes to take care of some of the stuff in my life. I'll let you all know.

Love to all, and g'nite.