Ok this is not a pretty song by any choice, and it has nothing to do with a friend of mine with a similar name.
At first glance it appears the song is anti-Christian, I believe it is more anti-hypocritical born agains. You know the people who claim that they know God and the rest of us are idiots destined to burn. Yet these same people are the ones who always seem to be having trouble and their "god" isn't around.
The problem isn't the existence of God, the problem is man doing shitty things to each other "in the name of god". I won't get into semantics here, I totally believe God does exist. While I'm not sure which way is the right way to worship him/her, I still believe. But also at the same time there is evil, and sometimes evil uses "good" to accomplish it's deeds. This song my friends is for all those people who think their spiritual shit don't stink and the rest of the worlds does and the evil deeds they do without knowing it.
"Judith"
A perfect circle
You're such an inspiration
For the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you
(FUCK Your God)
Your Lord, your Christ
(He did this)
Took all you had and
(Left you this way)
Still you pray, never stray, never
(Taste of the fruit)
Never thought to question why
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear
Into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you...
He did it all for you...
Oh so many ways
For me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you
(Pray)
To your Christ, to your God
(Never taste of the fruit)
Never stray, never break, never
(Choke on a lie)
Even though he's the one who
(Did this to you)
You never thought to question why
It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a spiteful spear
Into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you...
He did it all for you...
He did it all for you...
Love to all, take care and g'day....
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
It's not easy being green...
"It's Not Easy Bein' Green" (lyrics by Joe Rapposo)
Sung by Kermit the frog
It's not that easy bein' green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold-
or something much more colorful like that.
It's not easy bein' green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water- or stars in the sky.
But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why? Wonder,
I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.
Sometimes it's not easy being trans either. As humans we all seem to spend so much time wishing we were different or had more. I wish I had surgery, I wish I didn't get grouped in so much by the uninformed with the freaks they show on tv. I wish I could just be me and not have to make excuses or work so hard for something most people never have to worry about.
Yeah unlike Kermit I'm not happy with myself these days, but after so many years of hating what I was who could blame me? I have had a tough time and have been through allot. I am happy for what I have though. I have employment, I have love and friendship, I have a future of sorts, I have survived through adversity, I have my looks, and of course my modesty too. For all that I don't have I do have allot, for as hard as it has been in finally becoming me I have discovered along the way the true meaning to many things. I know what true love and friendship are. I've learned how low one can go into despair and how hard it is to climb back up. I've learned how to win even when you lose. I've learned when you "lose everything" you still got something. Most importantly I've learned to express myself, to let myself be free, to cry, to listen, how to wipe away another's tears and how to be a real friend.
As hard of a time I have had, I've been blessed with many life lessons, and have made some of the closest friends along the way. I'm still standing, ain't dead yet, and as long as there is fight in me I hope to be doing so for awhile longer.
Thanks to all those who have helped make it a little bit better even though I'm not happy being green.
Love to all and g'nite.
Sung by Kermit the frog
It's not that easy bein' green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold-
or something much more colorful like that.
It's not easy bein' green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water- or stars in the sky.
But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why? Wonder,
I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.
Sometimes it's not easy being trans either. As humans we all seem to spend so much time wishing we were different or had more. I wish I had surgery, I wish I didn't get grouped in so much by the uninformed with the freaks they show on tv. I wish I could just be me and not have to make excuses or work so hard for something most people never have to worry about.
Yeah unlike Kermit I'm not happy with myself these days, but after so many years of hating what I was who could blame me? I have had a tough time and have been through allot. I am happy for what I have though. I have employment, I have love and friendship, I have a future of sorts, I have survived through adversity, I have my looks, and of course my modesty too. For all that I don't have I do have allot, for as hard as it has been in finally becoming me I have discovered along the way the true meaning to many things. I know what true love and friendship are. I've learned how low one can go into despair and how hard it is to climb back up. I've learned how to win even when you lose. I've learned when you "lose everything" you still got something. Most importantly I've learned to express myself, to let myself be free, to cry, to listen, how to wipe away another's tears and how to be a real friend.
As hard of a time I have had, I've been blessed with many life lessons, and have made some of the closest friends along the way. I'm still standing, ain't dead yet, and as long as there is fight in me I hope to be doing so for awhile longer.
Thanks to all those who have helped make it a little bit better even though I'm not happy being green.
Love to all and g'nite.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Moods...
It still amazes me this far into things how much our moods can be effected by hormones. I'veseen with the injectables it is worse than on the pills. Of course the majority of the pills go down the toilet while the injectable stays and works in you. When you first get the shot it's a high, shortly turning into hotflashes and bitchy. After a few days I feel human for about a week, and then the cries come into until day 14 when it's time for the next round.
It's hard sometimes going through a second puberty in your 30's. The first one was hard enough on it's own, and now 20 years later here I am back there but this time in the right direction. I've gotten a few sarcastic "oh you poor baby" from some gen friends since they get their period once a month. Unfortunately with the shots I'm on a every two week mood rollercoaster and hotflash fest.
As much as it is hard I wouldn't trade it for the old life. These are my dues to pay as I try to be as close to female as I can. I can't ever get fully there, I cannot menstruate or have kids. I didn't grow up being told I was no good in math or science. I do know what it's like though to get the shit kicked out of me for being different, not fitting in, having a horrible mental body image etc. I also know what it's like to be treated in work like a woman, not gotten jobs etc just because I'm perceived as a woman. Of course I won't go into what happens when they figure I'm trans, that my freinds isn't pretty. So as you can see I have experienced hardships of my own.
But in the same breath I have experienced privledge from my male life. Yes I worked my ass off but because of that AND the fact I had a penis I advanced in my career and lived the life. Sad as it sounds a penis is a key that opens many doors. In giving up my maleness I also gave up a privledge I didn't know I had. It wasn't until I tried to make it in this world as a woman that it became apparent what being a man got me. It's a mans world still and sometimes that sucks, but I wouldn't go back for a moment for all that privledge. I will just take that drive I learned as a man and be one of the hardest working women out there.
Sometimes all the crap we have to go through just to be us is overwhelming. But lately I try to look at them as battle stripes. Each crisis or tragedy made through is another we can say we survived and are stronger for. Of course sometimes they hit at once and you feel like you are going to drown in sorrow. I have been through more than my fair share of my own and my friends shit. I have scratched and crawled my way to where I am, and have found great help from friends along the way. No matter how tattered and torn I appear, no matter how down my moods may go I am still here. I see a light at the end of this tunnel, and even though I might not get things exactly the way I want I will get what I need.
Love to all and take care.
It's hard sometimes going through a second puberty in your 30's. The first one was hard enough on it's own, and now 20 years later here I am back there but this time in the right direction. I've gotten a few sarcastic "oh you poor baby" from some gen friends since they get their period once a month. Unfortunately with the shots I'm on a every two week mood rollercoaster and hotflash fest.
As much as it is hard I wouldn't trade it for the old life. These are my dues to pay as I try to be as close to female as I can. I can't ever get fully there, I cannot menstruate or have kids. I didn't grow up being told I was no good in math or science. I do know what it's like though to get the shit kicked out of me for being different, not fitting in, having a horrible mental body image etc. I also know what it's like to be treated in work like a woman, not gotten jobs etc just because I'm perceived as a woman. Of course I won't go into what happens when they figure I'm trans, that my freinds isn't pretty. So as you can see I have experienced hardships of my own.
But in the same breath I have experienced privledge from my male life. Yes I worked my ass off but because of that AND the fact I had a penis I advanced in my career and lived the life. Sad as it sounds a penis is a key that opens many doors. In giving up my maleness I also gave up a privledge I didn't know I had. It wasn't until I tried to make it in this world as a woman that it became apparent what being a man got me. It's a mans world still and sometimes that sucks, but I wouldn't go back for a moment for all that privledge. I will just take that drive I learned as a man and be one of the hardest working women out there.
Sometimes all the crap we have to go through just to be us is overwhelming. But lately I try to look at them as battle stripes. Each crisis or tragedy made through is another we can say we survived and are stronger for. Of course sometimes they hit at once and you feel like you are going to drown in sorrow. I have been through more than my fair share of my own and my friends shit. I have scratched and crawled my way to where I am, and have found great help from friends along the way. No matter how tattered and torn I appear, no matter how down my moods may go I am still here. I see a light at the end of this tunnel, and even though I might not get things exactly the way I want I will get what I need.
Love to all and take care.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Tuesdays tune
Show me the way
Styx
Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way
And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away
And if I see a light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way
Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...
Yeah I know it seems out of character for me to use a song like this,but I have to admit I've always loved Styx. In my youth and young adulthood I used to blast their music and learned every song I could and still sing them at the top of my lungs if they happen to come on while I'm in the car. I think it came out around the time of the first gulf war and holds a special place with me.
It also fits lately as I get close to a big milestone in my journey, and am trying to figurewhich way to go. I just got word yesterday that mom is going to be loaning me more than half the money I need for srs if I go with Montreal or Marci. I also have the option of not having to come up with a lot of extra $ and going with Dr. Reed. I've talked with Co and Court and they both agree I shouldn't settle for something so big. It's hard though as I worry that in the meantime something will happen and I won't be able to get surgery if I wait.
In a perfect world if $ wasn't in the equation as much I'd go with Marci in a heartbeat. I like her approach and attitude of wanting the best results for each and every patient. Most likely I will end up in Montreal. Even though I consider it a second choice I feel totally comfortable with them, well ok Dr. Brassard I should say no way is Menard touching me. It's also easier and cheaper to travel 6 hours by car than it is to fly out to Trinidad.
The other part of the song I love is the "Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven" line. Recently I've been trying to focus on the good things in life and keep coming back to how hard a tranny's life is. I have come to hope that there is some sort of reward in the afterlife or next life for all the shit we have to endure. I don't want to start a pity party, but it is hell to have to lose everything to be who you were meant to be in the first place.
So there you have this weeks tune. I'm hoping I find my way and hopefully will be done with this portion of my journey by the time September comes. I'm going to have to work my ass off until then, hope for some luck, maybe a Powerball win, and of course a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.
Love to all and take care.
Styx
Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way
And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away
And if I see a light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know
Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way
Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...
Yeah I know it seems out of character for me to use a song like this,but I have to admit I've always loved Styx. In my youth and young adulthood I used to blast their music and learned every song I could and still sing them at the top of my lungs if they happen to come on while I'm in the car. I think it came out around the time of the first gulf war and holds a special place with me.
It also fits lately as I get close to a big milestone in my journey, and am trying to figurewhich way to go. I just got word yesterday that mom is going to be loaning me more than half the money I need for srs if I go with Montreal or Marci. I also have the option of not having to come up with a lot of extra $ and going with Dr. Reed. I've talked with Co and Court and they both agree I shouldn't settle for something so big. It's hard though as I worry that in the meantime something will happen and I won't be able to get surgery if I wait.
In a perfect world if $ wasn't in the equation as much I'd go with Marci in a heartbeat. I like her approach and attitude of wanting the best results for each and every patient. Most likely I will end up in Montreal. Even though I consider it a second choice I feel totally comfortable with them, well ok Dr. Brassard I should say no way is Menard touching me. It's also easier and cheaper to travel 6 hours by car than it is to fly out to Trinidad.
The other part of the song I love is the "Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven" line. Recently I've been trying to focus on the good things in life and keep coming back to how hard a tranny's life is. I have come to hope that there is some sort of reward in the afterlife or next life for all the shit we have to endure. I don't want to start a pity party, but it is hell to have to lose everything to be who you were meant to be in the first place.
So there you have this weeks tune. I'm hoping I find my way and hopefully will be done with this portion of my journey by the time September comes. I'm going to have to work my ass off until then, hope for some luck, maybe a Powerball win, and of course a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.
Love to all and take care.
Monday, February 13, 2006
another poem before vd.....
Ok tomorrow is Valentines Day or as I call it vd. I know it sounds nasty to make a day sopposed to be about love to sound like a disease but that is my opinion and I'm sticking to it. I think it's awful that we are told that on this one day you HAVE TO express your love for the one you love and if you don't you are an asshole. Love isn't just about vd, it's everyday. It's not buying a dozen roses at 3 times the normal price because you are told to. It's bringing that person flowers on just a normal day, just because you want to.
Love is not something to be regulated or institutionalized. Yes there is the institute of mariage, but again that is one created by man to control other men. They tell you who you can and cannot mary, for no reason other than their own moral preferance. To me that is why there is this big moral outrage against gay mariage, they are losing another bit of control over us. We aren't conforming to their idea of a perfect world. I don't like black and white in life, I love lots of colors and shades of gray. I hope that someday society will get over it's bugaboo's and that one day there won't be a forced day of love, but that people will show their love for each other everyday of the year.
Enjoy....
My advice
I’ve lost in love
More than my share
But I guess I’m to blame
For my lack of care.
I get easily hurt
For I’m quick to fall
Under the spell that cupid
And the arrow he shoots at us all.
I open up quickly
I easily trust
But in this day in age
Caution’s a must
For love is serious
It’s pure and it’s true
But not all feel like this
So cautious be you.
My advice my friend
Is short and it’s simple
Be cautious in love
For it’s like a pimple
It springs up one day
Just out of nowhere
And grows really fast
Like an old man’s nose hair.
And then one day
It bursts in a pop
You’re left with a scar
And covered in slop.
Be cautious my friend
In affairs of the heart
Be mindful and guarded
Before it can start.
True love is rare
Of this be certain
Most won’t find it
Before life’s final curtain.
Be careful who you love
For they may not love you back
And leave you with nothing
But the clothes on your back.
Love can be something special
Yes that is true
But just remember one thing
No matter how many times
You try
No matter how many times
You lose.
The one person you must love in this life
Is
Y
O
U
Love is not something to be regulated or institutionalized. Yes there is the institute of mariage, but again that is one created by man to control other men. They tell you who you can and cannot mary, for no reason other than their own moral preferance. To me that is why there is this big moral outrage against gay mariage, they are losing another bit of control over us. We aren't conforming to their idea of a perfect world. I don't like black and white in life, I love lots of colors and shades of gray. I hope that someday society will get over it's bugaboo's and that one day there won't be a forced day of love, but that people will show their love for each other everyday of the year.
Enjoy....
My advice
I’ve lost in love
More than my share
But I guess I’m to blame
For my lack of care.
I get easily hurt
For I’m quick to fall
Under the spell that cupid
And the arrow he shoots at us all.
I open up quickly
I easily trust
But in this day in age
Caution’s a must
For love is serious
It’s pure and it’s true
But not all feel like this
So cautious be you.
My advice my friend
Is short and it’s simple
Be cautious in love
For it’s like a pimple
It springs up one day
Just out of nowhere
And grows really fast
Like an old man’s nose hair.
And then one day
It bursts in a pop
You’re left with a scar
And covered in slop.
Be cautious my friend
In affairs of the heart
Be mindful and guarded
Before it can start.
True love is rare
Of this be certain
Most won’t find it
Before life’s final curtain.
Be careful who you love
For they may not love you back
And leave you with nothing
But the clothes on your back.
Love can be something special
Yes that is true
But just remember one thing
No matter how many times
You try
No matter how many times
You lose.
The one person you must love in this life
Is
Y
O
U
Friday, February 10, 2006
Been a long time...
I haven't put up a poem here in a long time. Hell I haven't written anything for that matter in a while. Last night I had inspiration to write a few, and I wanted to share this one. It's not the best but it was the quickest to transcribe from paper to computer.
The Search
Sometimes we go searching
Sometimes we think we find
What has been lacking in our lives,
Our heats.
Our minds.
Curious creatures we humans are.
Always looking for that piece to fulfill us
Both near
And far.
Sometimes we thing we’ve found it
That everything is going to be ok
That special something
Or someone
That makes you want to live another day.
Alas it is said
The best laid plans of mice and men
For sometimes what we find.
Is not that special something
We thought it was in our mind.
So I go on and keep searching
For what it is I need
I hope I find it someday
So I can rest in peace.
The Search
Sometimes we go searching
Sometimes we think we find
What has been lacking in our lives,
Our heats.
Our minds.
Curious creatures we humans are.
Always looking for that piece to fulfill us
Both near
And far.
Sometimes we thing we’ve found it
That everything is going to be ok
That special something
Or someone
That makes you want to live another day.
Alas it is said
The best laid plans of mice and men
For sometimes what we find.
Is not that special something
We thought it was in our mind.
So I go on and keep searching
For what it is I need
I hope I find it someday
So I can rest in peace.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Tuesdays tune...
Down in hole
Alice in Chains
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom
Down in a hole and I don’t know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
Down in a hole and they’ve put all
The stones in their place
I’ve eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, outta control
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
Yeah it's just a bit dark, but that is my mood as of late. I used to sit alone in the dark and drink to this song, now I just listen to it when I get really down.
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be
My parents expected so much of me in my youth. I was the smartsiblingsmy poor sibilings had to be compared to growing up. That is until I was 18 and "screwed up" their perfect picture of me. I was supposed to be the first to graduate college but dropped out a semester in. I was supposed to have asuccessfulb and a sucessful life. Instead that year I also tried to transition for the first ssuccessful wasn't sucessful. I did work my way up to the good job and great family life, but then "threw that all away" when I finally transitioned.
I know deep down that I really had no other choice, but I still feel like I've let them down. I still can't let myself be when it comes to how things should have been for me. I guess I will have to make my peace with thing over time, and do my best to not spend too much time "down in a hole" of despair.
Love to all and take care.
Alice in Chains
Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom
Down in a hole and I don’t know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied
Down in a hole and they’ve put all
The stones in their place
I’ve eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, outta control
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied
Yeah it's just a bit dark, but that is my mood as of late. I used to sit alone in the dark and drink to this song, now I just listen to it when I get really down.
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be
My parents expected so much of me in my youth. I was the smartsiblingsmy poor sibilings had to be compared to growing up. That is until I was 18 and "screwed up" their perfect picture of me. I was supposed to be the first to graduate college but dropped out a semester in. I was supposed to have asuccessfulb and a sucessful life. Instead that year I also tried to transition for the first ssuccessful wasn't sucessful. I did work my way up to the good job and great family life, but then "threw that all away" when I finally transitioned.
I know deep down that I really had no other choice, but I still feel like I've let them down. I still can't let myself be when it comes to how things should have been for me. I guess I will have to make my peace with thing over time, and do my best to not spend too much time "down in a hole" of despair.
Love to all and take care.
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