Co shared with me this weekend her journal that she kept while we were going through my transition, actually it should be called our transition. I have never felt so much guilt and selfishness in reading it. The pain and turmoil I caused the one person (other than my children of course) that I love more than anything is beyond words. I feel like such a schmuck. Not so much in what I did, I know deep down in my heart that this was my path, I feel that way because I had to take her along for the ride. I wish things could have been different for her, for both of us. Nobody asks to be a transsexual of that I am sure. I just wish I knew that trying to cure myself with love was going to hurt her like it did. Part of me wishes she just hated me, it would have been easier, all of me just wishes I never had to be like this, to do this to her, to us, to my kids. I wish I could have found some happy medium, a compromise that would have benefited everyone, not just myself.
Saying that all the wishing and the hoping on things in the past can't accomplish anything, those things are dead and gone. All I can do now is hope that our love for one another is strong enough to rebuild a great love. And after reading what I read it is a great love. How the fuck can anyone stay with a person that caused them that much pain and not truly love the person who did it. How can she even still talk to me is amazing. I am truly blessed and must have done some really good stuff for her to still be around at this point in the game. My other hopes are that she will give me the opportunity to make it up to her. Not to go back and undo things, that's impossible, no I want to make it up to her by showing her how much I love her back, to make the rest of her days with me the best that I possibly can, be it together as a couple, or as the best friend I can be. I also hope she can forgive me, the weight of my guilt in not only causing the pain, but not seeing the extent of it is astronomical. I pray that some day, some way she can forgive me for dragging her along my path.
To anyone reading this who is on the same path as I was I hope that you stop take an extra second and consider you loved ones. I thought I was, but mistook the signs of her distancing herself as her letting me go, her staying by me in support as a sign that it was ok, not a hope I would change my mind. I know it's a runaway train that you cannot control, been there done that, just be careful that you don't run over anyone else along the way. Looking back I don't see any different path for me, I am both thankful and sad though that she had to be along for the trip. If she hadn't I don't think I would have made it thus far, but because she did she got to go through a transition of her own. She deserves better, I hope I can give her that.
Love to all and of course take care...
Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday, March 09, 2009
Adding a little clarity...
Ok I promised a little clarity even though from the lack of comments on that post I doubt anyone read it anyway. Regardless it helps to write. This has been a hard journey. I hated myself before because I didn't fit. I went through this whole thing hoping to find that fit I so wanted, and yet still can't seem to find it.Maybe there is no true fit for me, maybe nobody really fits anyway and this is how I'm supposed to feel. I just have gone on a little bit more of an intense journey looking for that fit than most people do.
I also went very slow hoping that through this the one thing I knew in my life that did fit,being with Co, would work itself out, love would conquer all. I waited 5 years giving her space to find herself and see if we could work things out. Well I got tired of waiting and spoke to her about how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at things she is at a place in her life where she needs to figure out some stuff before she can entertain trying to go down that road. Now here I am where she was when I was trying to find my happy and it sucks. Two people who love each other deeply on this odd twisting journey, unsure that our paths will meet where we can both be happy. The good thing is she loves me, she tells me every day and she is open to trying depending on what she finds on her journey. I just want her to find happy for her and hope that I can be that person to fill the void in her life, that would make me happy. I know it sounds sick in a way to find worth in making someone else happy, but that to me is love. She has stood by me as I did this thing that gave her every right to run away, yet she has stayed in some capacity. I can't give up on love yet, I have never loved anyone like I love her, which is why this journey was so difficult. I had to try and better myself so I could be a good person who liked themself so I could be that for her. It's hard to be there for someone else if you can't be there for yourself.
So here I sit on a precipice not sure of where the cards are going to fall. I hope and pray that they fall where I want. I can't see in reality our relationship continuing the way it has if it doesn't. I can't see being able to have the long heart to heart talks we have if she is with someone else, or myself with someone else. Relationships are hard work and we won't be able to be there for each other as we are now if we are working on a relationship with someone else. I don't want that to end, it is the lighthouse that has kept me going through all this. Yes I've hit the rocks once or twice but I at least had some warning. I don't know what I'll do if it ends with us apart, I don't think I could ever open myself to love again, it hurts too much. I would do anything for her, as I know she would for me. All I can do for now is take one day at a time, work on my side of things and hope with all my heart things work out. If it doesn't life will go on somehow, someway, I just hope I'm strong enough for that transition. Like I said through all this that was the only fit I had, it will be hard to give that up for good.
Love to all and of course take care...
I also went very slow hoping that through this the one thing I knew in my life that did fit,being with Co, would work itself out, love would conquer all. I waited 5 years giving her space to find herself and see if we could work things out. Well I got tired of waiting and spoke to her about how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at things she is at a place in her life where she needs to figure out some stuff before she can entertain trying to go down that road. Now here I am where she was when I was trying to find my happy and it sucks. Two people who love each other deeply on this odd twisting journey, unsure that our paths will meet where we can both be happy. The good thing is she loves me, she tells me every day and she is open to trying depending on what she finds on her journey. I just want her to find happy for her and hope that I can be that person to fill the void in her life, that would make me happy. I know it sounds sick in a way to find worth in making someone else happy, but that to me is love. She has stood by me as I did this thing that gave her every right to run away, yet she has stayed in some capacity. I can't give up on love yet, I have never loved anyone like I love her, which is why this journey was so difficult. I had to try and better myself so I could be a good person who liked themself so I could be that for her. It's hard to be there for someone else if you can't be there for yourself.
So here I sit on a precipice not sure of where the cards are going to fall. I hope and pray that they fall where I want. I can't see in reality our relationship continuing the way it has if it doesn't. I can't see being able to have the long heart to heart talks we have if she is with someone else, or myself with someone else. Relationships are hard work and we won't be able to be there for each other as we are now if we are working on a relationship with someone else. I don't want that to end, it is the lighthouse that has kept me going through all this. Yes I've hit the rocks once or twice but I at least had some warning. I don't know what I'll do if it ends with us apart, I don't think I could ever open myself to love again, it hurts too much. I would do anything for her, as I know she would for me. All I can do for now is take one day at a time, work on my side of things and hope with all my heart things work out. If it doesn't life will go on somehow, someway, I just hope I'm strong enough for that transition. Like I said through all this that was the only fit I had, it will be hard to give that up for good.
Love to all and of course take care...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)