The stealth transperson and the hospital...

As some of you may or may not know I've been having some serious stomach issues lately. I finally decided to do something about it yesterday. I went and saw my gp who is great to say the least. He treated me pre transition, and has continued to give me great medical care after also. He treats me with respect, and such care, I can't ever imagine switching doctors. Anyway I told the nurse the problem, she proceeded to take my temp, I was running a fever. Didn't even know it, but of course when it feels like it's over 100 degrees who would notice a 99.9 fever? The doctor came in I told him my symptoms, he pressed on my stomach, and had a worried look on his face. He told me he could send me for a test, and if they couldn't get me in he thought it would be good for me to go to the er. I decided to go with the test since my crappy insurance has a $200 co pay for an er visit. They drew some blood, gave me the vials to take with me to the hospital and sent me on my way.

I got to the hospital, fearing that upon check in I'd have to explain why my ss# comes up with a different name. For a change I didn't have to. Either the change went into effect when I changed it with my doctor, or I just lucked out. I try to live a pretty stealth life, but it seems that goes out the window when it comes to going to the hospital. Having to explain why the ss# doesn't match, or having to tell them what meds you are on and why, or even during testing. Last night wasn't too bad. They didn't find anything, which is good in a way, but I still hurt, allot.

I called my Dr this am, and told him I was still feeling ill. After playing phone tag for a bit, they had me come up to the office. It was a fun ride, I hadn't eaten since 7 last night, and that wasn't a big meal. Oddly enough I wasn't hungry, which is sign enough to know I'm sick, this gal likes to eat, and eat often. The only effect I had from not eating was being light-headed, which makes a 35 minute ride through back country roads pure adventure. After I got there, he had me lay down again, and when he pressed on my stomach I just about jumped off the table. The pain had moved, instead of being concentrated near the gallbladder it was in my lower abdomen. He gave me another worried look, and said we need to send you for another test. So they gave me two lovely bottles of berrium sulfate to drink before my CT scan. It was nasty, apple flavored, but nasty. I choked down what I could of the vile liquid and killed time while I waited for test time.

I am not afraid of much in this world, but going back to this town gives me the willies. I only lived there for 11 years, but going back effects me so much. All kinds of crap starts flowing back to me. All the good memories, all the bad, memories of me having to struggle with this. The memories of bingeing and purging the clothes, the memories of guilt in hiding it from co. The awful feeling I had when I broke the news to her on that stormy November night. It is so darn hard for me to go back there, too many ghosts, my head turning always to make sure I don't see anyone I know. Like I said I try to live a stealth life, and moving away from this town made it so much easier on me. Yeah I sorta ran away from my problems in a way, but we all make sacrifices in this journey. Anyway, I had to kill two hours before the test, so I went down to my old fishing hole, and just chilled by playing my handheld chess/checkers game. I still haven't been beat playing checkers, but I haven't beat the computer in chess, yet. I had someone who looked familiar give me a second look, but I don't remember who he is, nor do I know if or why he was looking at me.

So I get up to the hospital, and wait some more. I then got called, and directed to a dressing room. I had to take off my shirt and bra, and put on a Jonnie. Now to most women this is an ordeal on it's own. Now add to this the fact that I use a little enhancement still on my flat chest to give me some curves. So I am walking around the hospital, flat chested, arms crossed trying to hide the fact, but just attracting more attention to me. They had me lay on the table, asked me a bunch of health questions, and ran an IV of the radioactive dye into my arm. Man I hate that shit, you start to feel warm all over, and within 2 minutes that warmth goes to the groin, and it feels like you pee'd your pants. I hate that feeling. Just as she was about to maneuver me into the machine she asks me the best question I've been asked in forever "any chance you might be pregnant dear?" "no" I told her, "there's no chance." She made up for all the bad feelings I had earlier, the ghosts seemed to go away. Of course part of the scan was on the pelvis, so I'm sure they saw the "growths" between my legs, that could verify the not pregnant thing.

I finished up and did the waiting game again. And like last night, nothing showed up on the test. They are thinking it is some sort of viral infection, and or I did have a gallstone that passed, which would explain the moving pain. It must have passed far enough to be out of sight for the test. I may still have to do some more tests. I am just going to take it easy, watch what I eat, see if I can figure any patterns, or triggers, and just wait. I just feel horrible they couldn't find what is wrong with me. I think not knowing why you hurt is worse than them finding something they can fix. Even if surgery were required, at least you'd know you aren't crazy, and the hurt is going to go away. I don't have that right now, hopefully the pain goes away, and I'm done with this. I'm tired of dealing with these little hurdles that keep coming up.

Oh well it could be worse, I am lucky in that I pass and don't get attitudes at the hospital. I have an understanding doctor to help me out. And I look ladylike enough to be asked if I am pregnant. Now if I can get rid of this "knife" stuck in my abdomen I'll be all set.

Love to all, and g'nite.

This Journey Really Sucks Sometimes...

I just got some horrible news just a little while ago. As if my day wasn't bad enough by running a 100 degree fever, and sending offerings to the porcelain goddess. Co just called me a little while ago and told me that her grandmother passed today. I feel so bad for her family, grammy was a great person, one of the sweetest, kindest, and funniest people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. She will be missed greatly.

My problem is I can't even go and pay my respects. Her family hasn't excepted me, and don't understand this one bit. Hell, I don't even understand it somedays, I just have to live it. I feel so bad that I can't go say goodbye like everyone else. I have to go after the funeral, and cry at her headstone. I can't give my condolence at the wake or funeral, I just have to stay put, and mourn in my own way.

I wish things could be different. Hell, I wish she was still alive and kicking. It just amazes me sometimes how we can deal with such major losses and changes in this journey, but when something as simple as going to a funeral comes along, we feel helpless & hopeless.

I didn't chose to take on this journey, it for some reason chose me. All I can do is ride the wave, try to live my life as well as I can, and enjoy what I can out of it. I just wish more folks could handle people like me, especially people I care for. Their ignorance, and lack of effort is costing all of us. Life is too short, there are no chances to go back and have a do over. I just hope certain people realize this before I have to go to their headstones, alone, to say my goodbyes.

Love to all, and g'night.

The adventures of Naked Boy and other stuff...

Sorry for the title, but I couldn't resist after my 3 year old son decided to disrobe right out in the yard after we got out of the pool yesterday and proclaimed, " I'm a super hero, I am Naked boy!" He even made the muscle man pose and then struck the super hero pose perfectly. I needed that laugh so damn bad, and my little man delivered it flawlessly.

I'm still doing my special project for my company, and getting up @ 3am daily just to make it to work for 5:30. I am hoping it will be over soon, I am so damn tired and stressed out right now. I appreciate that they think highly enough of me to give me so much responsibility, especially since I lack the official training to do the job. But the added stress of trying to do a job I haven't been trained for is weighing on me greatly. I actually pissed off one of the temps so much they decided to let most of the air out of one of tires. Assholes, here I am helping out by making sure at least some of them get to work, and they have to pull a stunt like that. All I have to say is Karma is a bitch, and things usually come back to you more than you gave when you do something like that. I also had one of the temps tell me they found a body down the street from their house Thursday night. Man I am so glad it wasn't me finding some dude with his head full of lead, or me having my head full of lead. I can say that working there has made me appreciate so much more what I do have. For as bad as I think I have it, at least I'm not them. I saw some poor schmuck riding a ten speed down the road in front of my branch with no tire on it, just riding on a rim. I also see the 2 or 3 folks everyday who are out there with their tattered clothes, dirty faces, and shopping carts full of empty cans and bottles they must collect just to survive. In the big scheme of things I am truly blessed indeed.

Thursday was a good day, and a horrible day at the same time. I acquired a new little dirty faced, skin and bones kitten who was living outside the branch. I felt so bad for the little bugger, who looks to be only 6-8 weeks old, I decided to give him/her a proper home. I call him "little carmen" after the person I am filling in for down there. I also had to go say goodbye to one of my best friends at work in my usual branch. She has been so good to me since I have been there. I know she knew about me, but she never said anything directly, and I never confessed anything to her. She is heading back home to Puerto Rico to get married, and hopefully have a great life. I wrote her a nice note in the card we got for her on how I hope she would be happy, she hugged me after reading it, said "you too honey" with a wink in her eye. It said to me that she knew, and hopes I find happiness in this journey. I hope she finds it ten fold, she deserves it.

On a comical note, my old boss from the paper has been trying to reach me to ask me to come back to my old position. I do miss the job, and the people I worked with even more, but I don't really see any chance for advancing my career there, or making the money I need to make. I haven't decided if I am going to talk to her in person yet, but I'll at least see what she has to say on the phone. Who knows maybe things have changed since I left last October? I may be able to have my cake and eat it too.

Oh well time for me to get ready for my really early bedtime so I don't fall asleep on my way to work. Hopefully this will be over soon, if not I may have to call on the heroics of one Naked Boy to lift my spirits, this time I hope he keeps his clothes on.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Catching up

Ok other than my I'm back posting I haven't written in about a year. Allot has happened since then. When I last left y'all I was working at the paper days, and driving a Zamboni at the local ice rink at night. Now I "pimp" labor during the day(I work for a temp agency placing workers), and at night I'm back to cleaning offices. On the other stuff, the kids now call me by my name now instead of Maddy, and Co has actually called me by my new name. Hey it only took 1 year, 5 months, and 18 days, not that I was counting. I'm still stuck in transition, with no certain time frame for surgery anywhere in sight, but I keep going.

Friends have come and gone since the last time we met. I had to cut off ties with someone who had become a good friend when she just became too dependent on me. She had always seemed to be the "needy one" in the relationship, always needing help with her issues, and it just finally got to me. I do have allot of stuff to deal with on my own to be trying to handle other peoples problems too. I have hooked up with a few new friends too. It is nice to find a new core away from Twenty. Speaking of I have stopped attending there. I just don't have enough time to spend with the kids as it is to give up time for Twenty. Unfortunately I wasn't getting enough out of it anyway. For some reason I just had a hard time opening up in the group. I came close to "core dumping" on the group several times, but just couldn't let go, and do it. I can't blame the group totally, I just never felt comfortable enough to work on my issues. I was only able to help others on their issues, which is a great feeling, but my issues were being left unattended. I hate to sound selfish, but I do have to worry about me too.

Ok so now we are caught up, I hope to be able to post once or twice a week. It is hard since I am working on a special project for work, and have to get up at 3am. Kinda makes it hard to write when you have to go to bed so damn early.

I hope y'all are well too.

Love to all, and g'day....