Reflecting....

Been spending allot of time reflecting on things as of late, mostly how the more things change the more they stay the same. My sister is at it again, she called me the other day to tell me I was not invited to my niece's christening. She says she's just not adjusted yet and I need to give her more time. I told her it's been over 3 years now and there comes a time where either you accept things or you don't. I just am not sure what I'm going to do about her, I've been patient and I understand this is a hard thing to accept I just wish she could be as brutally honest with herself as she seems to be with me. She needs to look inside and decide how to deal with things, I can't do it for her.

I've also gone back and edited all the chapters of my book I've input into the computer and printed it out. All I have to do now is take the other chapters I have on paper and put them in as well. I need to finish it for some reason even if I never publish. It has been a good way to vent, to see how far I've come, to be able to look back and see how much I've accomplished, how much I have learned and most importantly how much I am loved. It's an odd and narcasitic exercise I know, but it is I feel a necessary one none the less.

Also I finally decided to read a book I bought for Co years ago, "She's not there" by Jenny Boylan. I had put it off because Co had told me that the story mirrored our own so much. There were so many things she saw in Jenny that she also saw in me. So much she saw in Jenny's wife Grace that she saw in herself. I didn't want to corrupt my own writing by reading something so simular. I haven't been able to put it down. There are so many simularites between us, yet there are of course differences to say the least. I am not now or do I ever think I will be a famous author who knows fabulous people and goes to exotic locations. I'm blue collar only somewhat college educated and don't have a single famous friend. I do however feel a kinship to her as I do with so many in our tribe. I think it's great that there are others like myself and Court that have done this even though we have small children. I also feel so much pain for the spouses of those like us. What pain and turmoil they must go through. To have something ripped away from you like that, wondering if it was you that caused it. Having to cheer on someone you love take from you everything you held dear while you are left alone and unsure.

I do wish things could have been different not only for Co and I but for the Courtneys, the Jennys and Graces of the world as well. Yet in saying that I know that deep down in all the turmoil, pain and suffering all involved go through. I can't think of a life without all the lessons I've learned. I can't think of a life without Co and my children. I don't want to imagine not knowing what I know of love, of what it means to be yourself to take a chance and follow your dreams. I am a stronger person for this much in the way one strengthens steel. Through the process of fire and cold I have become the second strongest person I know, I've had the pleasure of being married to the strongest one. I don't know what the future has in store for us, all I know is I hope and pray every day that we do it together. Soon we will have to make a decision on whether or not we persue divorce or try to make this new thing work. Whatever we decide I'm sure we will do it together and support each other as we always have.

Anyway enough blabbering for today I have to go back and read some more and get ready for work tonight. I got stuck closing so it's going to be a long day.

Love to all and of course take care.

Well It's been awhile since I've written and thought it was time to catch up. Lifes been in sort of cruise control as of late. Been working only the one job so I feel a bit lazy of late. But overall work is good. In fact I came out of sorts to a girl at work who is a close friend and is getting her masters in psychology. I don't know exactly how we got on the subject but one day it turned to the difference between transexuals and crossdressers. Now this is a touchy subject for me I never really considered myself a crossdresser in the classical way if there is such a thing. I belive there are 2 types of cd's those who do it to get their jollies and the latter like myself who do it in a quest to figure out if they really want to transition. Anyway I started talking about people I knew who were both and shared a little too much knowledge I guess. Anyway she is very cool with it, and was amazed that I have been able to adapt so well. As luck would have it she is also doing a big project on the subject for school and has borrowed some books and been asking allot of questions on the subject, not too much personally, just about the whole thing and process.

I don't know why I chose to come clean with her, maybe I just needed someone to know my pain a little? Maybe it's because I know the current psychologist for GICNE is closing in on retirement and they need a new one? Who knows maybe she would be interested in treating people like me? We need more caregivers that is a given. So far it's been a little freeing, someone found out at work and really doesn't care, it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am concerned though about more people finding out at work, not so much for me, but because there is a guy at work that was and maybe still is interested in me. I don't want him to be hurt by being teased that he is interested in a tranny. He is a good friend and a really nice person, we went out a few times on a friendly basis, but I can tell there is some more feelings there on his end. I don't want to make his life more difficult so I've been keeping my distance to a point where we stay friends. Maybe someday the time will be right for me to tell him, right now he's been through allot just going through a tough divorce, and I'm not sure I'm wanting to go down the hetero relationship route. I still have feelings for Co, and I still find women very attractive so I'm not getting into anything with anyone right now. If I were to sleep with anyone I'd have to tell them, so right now there's no reason to say anything.

Otherwise I'm trying to figure out my next step in life. I love my job hate my pay. I'm tired of being broke, but don't really want to go back into sales, that is except for my old love pet related sales. I'd love to be back hawking food or treats or something pet related, right now though theres not much out there in that field. I'd love to still be doing my old job, but the chances of that happening are about the same of mr happy growing back. I'm thinking about going back to school, but not sure what I want to do. I need time to figure it out. At the same time I'm trying to figure out the personal side of my life. I hate being alone but don't know if it's time to just move on from things of old and onto new possibilites. It's an odd place right now, I've acheived my dream, gone through the fire and made it out the other side, a little crispy but still alive. A part of me never thought I'd make it this far, but I always kept hope alive, I just never put too much thought about what to do after. I've got lots to think about, but I'm sure what ever I do I will find new joys around every corner.

I've wanted to share this song for awhile, and now seems as good time as any. Like I said I'm trying to figure shit out after acheiving my goals, and this song is about that along with being a bit lonely. I guess it just doesn't effect those of us unlucky enough to be trans, even hairy chested pop rock stars get the blues too. Enjoy


I Am ... I Said
Neil Diamond

LA's fine, sunshine most of the time
The feeling islaid back
Palm trees grow and the rents are low
Butyou know I keep thinking about
Making my way back
Well, I'm New York City born and raised
Butnowadays, I'm lost between two shores
LA's fine,but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one
But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I've never cared for the sound of being alone
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
I am, I saidI am,
I criedI am...

Love to all and of course take care.