The problem with Jeffersonian theory...

Well in my last long winded blog I spoke of taking a Jeffersonian approach to being trans and just not talk about it. I can't say if anyone read it, due to no comments, or maybe I just suck so bad I inspired no comments. Anyway I find myself at this time under yet another assault at work. I had a co-worker come up to me laughing while telling me what he overheard the other day about me. Of course it was about me being trans. I have tried my best to be so rock solid and tell myself it doesn't matter what other people say about me, but it is getting hard. It bothered me that this guy found it comical, of course his thing was that it was funny that people would think I was one of "those people." It bothered me that people think of "those people" as something that is comical, that they are objects to be made fun of because they are so fucked up in the head. I am one of those people dammit and I'm in a catch 22 right now. If I sit back and deny what I am, then I am no better than the assholes who poke fun of us. Yet if I stand up and say proudly "yes I am trans, you got a problem with that?" then I am merely falling into their trap of outing myself. I am simply what I am, I can't say I'm proud of being trans any more than I can say I'm proud of being white, or having blue eyes. I have no control over the way I was born, there can be no pride to be taken. I am proud of all the obstacles I had to overcome in order to get where I am. I am not ashamed of what I am, I am ashamed of what people think I am. It's sad that folks always have to ostracize what is different in people instead of embracing what we all have in common. It's funny when I lived as a guy I was different and would get called fag all the time, now I live as a woman I get called dike or have people talk on how I must have been a man behind my back. I'm different from most people no matter what clothes I wear on the outside because of having to deal with all that shit on the inside all those years. I don't fit either mold and who cares? I don't think I fit in the tranny mold either to tell the truth. The problem is that most of us don't really fit molds but we change who we are in order to fit what everyone else says we should be.

I don't mind from time to time playing the game and being a good tranny, and just keeping my mouth shut, but it wears on you over time. One of these days I'm just going to cave in one day and tell people the truth and fuck them if they don't like it. The anti discrimination bill is in the state house again, this year I actually sent in written testimony under the name Jane or John Doe. I hope it's passing will help us trans folks not have to deal with this kind of shit at work, but when you get down to it if a company wants to get rid of you they will get around it no matter how many laws you put out there to protect us or anyone else. I'm at the point where I'm actually afraid to see what will happen if I stand up for myself and my kind at work. I've had opportunity to approach hr on the issue but haven't decided to do it yet. If I continue to get treated the same way though I will have no choice to do so and see what becomes of it. Funny how I had the courage to go get a 1/4lb of flesh removed, change my name and my whole life, but I'm scared to go talk to one man about what's going on. This fear brings me shame, and makes me think I'm not as brave as I give myself credit for. How can I overcome such adversity yet be so afraid of telling someone who I am? Such is the paradox of my life. Oh well enough of me talking to the wall, or myself even, gotta go take on the day and try to remember to never let the bastards wear me down.

Love to all and of course take care...