Demons BE GONE....

Well I have to say I'm still bothered allot by the events of last week. I keep finding myself almost over things, and then something sets things backwards and I'm dragged back into the turmoil. I've even found myself smoking a bit again, only 2 cigs a day, but it could lead to more if I'm not careful.

I thought I was over things, but as I'm waiting for the hr guy to get back to me to do the exit interview where I hope I can tell the verbal abuse this women did, all these feelings come back of how I let her words hurt me. I really can't say if I'm more upset with the fact she was so mean, or with myself for letting a person like that get to me. I mean other than the fact she was my boss, who the fuck was she? She hadn't gone through the hardships in life I had, she didn't come the ghetto and work her way up, in fact she came from money and had an easy life. Where I had to struggle for all I had achieved with the help of family and friends she was given everything. I worked and worked hard for a living while she bitched about every little thing. I overcame while she was always overwhelmed. Hell I held down 2 jobs and quite successfully until the last few months, and if anyone can blame me for not being at the top of my game when I was going for surgery you can bite me.

One thing that keeps bothering me is her telling me the other day that I "planned this all along." Well I don't know what to say to that. I did take the job because it gave me more free time on nights and weekends to get a 2nd job to work towards my goal of surgery, but at the time I took it I was looking merely towards an orchi. Working this job made my surgery possible, but my intentions when I took it were not to work until I got surgery, come back early and risk hurting myself only to quit a month later. I don't think she understands how much an ordeal surgery really was. I went back to work sooner than anyone else I know. If I was planning to leave would I have come back so early? I must confess, I was thinking about leaving, but I was hoping that things were going to work out and I was going to be able to stay. I loved the creativity the job required, I loved helping people grow their business I just couldn't stand working for such a mean person. So if indeed I planned it all along I was one of the last to know my dear.

I need to move on though and expell all these demons and the bad energy they bring. I need to stop thinking about her, and remember what she was and is, which was something I don't want to be like. She stood for everything I was against, yet tried to turn it around like I was the problem. She would fool around all day, not get work done, and then have to stay till 6pm to finish. I came in early, worked hard, stayed focused took short lunches and no breaks so I could be out by 5 and she called me lazy. She truly has no idea what I was doing for her, and I don't even care if she realizes it. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want her in my life, and I don't give a ratts ass what a washed up never been has to say.

Walk a mile in my shoes bitch, $5 says you don't make it a block....

And thats all I want to say on that subject......

Love to all and take care....

Time to move on....

Man it's so nice when a song says it all....

Update below.

"Take This Job And Shove It"
Johnny Paycheck

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

They'll have you in this factory
From now on for fifty years
All this time I see my woman
Drowning in her tears
I see a lot of people who
Got to have a piece of me
I'd give the shirt right off my back
If I had the nerve to say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Let's all go use our sick leave up
And then we'll shoot some pool
Got brand new skinhead hair cuts
You think he's a fool
One of these days I'll blow my top
Or somebody's gonna pay
I'd hate to see the process
As you enter the factory and say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I won't let that shit bother me
That I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here, ain't working here, ain't working here no more

****UPDATE****
Went in and gave my 2 weeks at the paper and was verbally assaulted on how me "going for surgery was taking advantage of the company and my coworkers" and was walked out the building.

She was horribly abusive and kept going on how I was "making a mistake" and my "whole life was full of making mistakes."

I am in real conundrum at this moment. I am not the litigious type, I've even been in an accident with a hit and drunk driver who was so drunk you could smell it and didn't sue her. I've been wronged though and was leaving the job because of the constant verbal abuse she sent my way. Until this morning's attack I couldn't be sure if it was related to me being trans or the fact she was just a big meany. I kept telling myself she was just mean, but today true colors came out, and I know now that it was personal. She thinks what I did was a mistake, she's asked after the fact more than once if I regretted doing what I did and obviously doesn't understand. I should go after her and make her pay for the way she treated me, but does that just give folks one more reason not to hire folks like me? If we become known as sue-happy headaches who is going to want to hire us? I have to go slowly and reflect carefully over my next action. She cannot get away with treating me like this, she cannot get away with telling people about my situation which in effect is a medical condition. I don't want to have to take legal action, but I feel right now that someone has to stand up to the pseudo-liberal elite and how they take us on as tokens that they do things behind their backs to. I'm tired of being a good "n-word" and need to stand up for what is right.

More to come, suggestions welcome by those who have my email.....

Busy little beaver...

Can't really talk much right now, but I noticed it's been awhile since my last post, so a quick update.

I'm busy at work which I don't want to go further on right now. Health is great, healing more every day. I cannot believe how good things are working down there right now. I have to say I'm pleased so far with my results and am sooooooooo happy I finally got there.

While cleaning out my car yesterday I came across a poem I wrote this past winter/spring that I may choose to share when I have time. It amazes me how much can change in such a short time. I was going through such turmoil then and never thought I'd be where I am today. So to all of those whose life seems hopeless right now, and that goal at the end of the road seems to be getting farther away every day, keep the faith, work hard, and know in your heart that if you want it bad enough you can accomplish allot, but you must be willing to go through allot to get there. We truly are all born of fire in this journey.

Love to all, and take care.

Tough enough?...

Well yeah I'm finally getting to write a bit again. It's been a little hard since I've been slowly but surely trying to get things back in order. I've been back to work since last Monday, only 1 job though not both. I'm not happy right now about work, but all things in due time. I've also been dealing with the "joy" of sitting in one place for a long time. NOT FUN right now, not that I've been one who tends to sit still for long anyway. Walking is fine, but sitting or standing still suck. It's also been fun trying to schedule all the extra things like dilating and douching along with clean-up, set up, and applying stuff in between.

There have been many good things since we last talked along with some bad. On the bad front, my gp was too much of a wussy to take out my stitches so I had to rely on the help of friends so I didn't have to go the ER and have a bunch of odd people around my new equipment, instead I only had two wierdos down there. THANK GOD FOR GREAT FRIENDS, AND PAINKILLERS, a little valium didn't hurt either.

Tuesday I got surprised when somebody canceled at the last minute and I got invited to the Bob Dylan concert. My company has a skybox there and it was an outdoor concert so it was nice to say the least to be in a comfortable skybox on that rainy night. I stayed standing or on the comfy couch during the first 3 acts, but when Dylan came on, my tender bottom regions went outside and got on a hard stadium seat. The pain didn't matter that much once I heard "Tangled up in Blue" live and in person. I hurt like hell the next day, but man I can say I've seen Dylan. Of course hearing him or should I say making sense of what you are hearing is another thing....

Overall things are coming up and back to normal. I'm really feeling human again, and ahead of schedule. I figured it would be another week or two but am glad I am ahead of schedule. Painkillers are no longer being used except for a few Tylenol a day, and I'm actually doing things like walking fast, and shooting baskets. Actually I was shooting baskets my first day back, 1 week post op. I've always had this knack to me I guess to recouping fast. I'm not fast, strong, nor can I go forever, but man give me a moment to catch my breath and I recoup faster than anyone else I know. That is how I go for miles rollerblading by stopping a few times taking a drink a few breaths and get back on my way.

When I dislocated my knee one year at the Big E, I sat down for 10 mins and then walked the rest of the day(went to the ER that night for x-rays after attending a bday party.) I've thrown up from being exposed to excessive heat and then gone and played hockey. I used to play iron man hockey(no subs) consitantly. When I had my last knee surgery I was at a wedding a few days latter, with a cane I made myself. And I was interviewing for jobs and getting them 2 weeks after being released from the hospital after my nervous breakdown. Yeah I can be a tough bitch. A tough bitch that pulled herself up out of bed by the headboard 1 day post op and made my way to the bathroom to empty my pee bag before my friends made it to the hotel, (man that hurt.)

But one has to be tough to make it through all this. We trannies may not realize it all the time but we are some of the toughest people out there. We struggle against voices for years that are screaming at us that something is wrong, only to one day rise up and battle the voices of those around us who tell us nothing is wrong and it's all in our head. We fight against thinking twice or three times that there is another way. We deal with all the pain of losing what we lose and fight the guilt of all we take away from those who have grown to know and love us one way and then have to get used to a "new" us.

Yes I am proud of my toughness and am even a braggart about it, but my friends it is that toughness that got me and others where we are today, tattered and slightly torn but still here none the less.

Love to all, and of course take care.