The other side of the coin...

Co shared with me this weekend her journal that she kept while we were going through my transition, actually it should be called our transition. I have never felt so much guilt and selfishness in reading it. The pain and turmoil I caused the one person (other than my children of course) that I love more than anything is beyond words. I feel like such a schmuck. Not so much in what I did, I know deep down in my heart that this was my path, I feel that way because I had to take her along for the ride. I wish things could have been different for her, for both of us. Nobody asks to be a transsexual of that I am sure. I just wish I knew that trying to cure myself with love was going to hurt her like it did. Part of me wishes she just hated me, it would have been easier, all of me just wishes I never had to be like this, to do this to her, to us, to my kids. I wish I could have found some happy medium, a compromise that would have benefited everyone, not just myself.

Saying that all the wishing and the hoping on things in the past can't accomplish anything, those things are dead and gone. All I can do now is hope that our love for one another is strong enough to rebuild a great love. And after reading what I read it is a great love. How the fuck can anyone stay with a person that caused them that much pain and not truly love the person who did it. How can she even still talk to me is amazing. I am truly blessed and must have done some really good stuff for her to still be around at this point in the game. My other hopes are that she will give me the opportunity to make it up to her. Not to go back and undo things, that's impossible, no I want to make it up to her by showing her how much I love her back, to make the rest of her days with me the best that I possibly can, be it together as a couple, or as the best friend I can be. I also hope she can forgive me, the weight of my guilt in not only causing the pain, but not seeing the extent of it is astronomical. I pray that some day, some way she can forgive me for dragging her along my path.

To anyone reading this who is on the same path as I was I hope that you stop take an extra second and consider you loved ones. I thought I was, but mistook the signs of her distancing herself as her letting me go, her staying by me in support as a sign that it was ok, not a hope I would change my mind. I know it's a runaway train that you cannot control, been there done that, just be careful that you don't run over anyone else along the way. Looking back I don't see any different path for me, I am both thankful and sad though that she had to be along for the trip. If she hadn't I don't think I would have made it thus far, but because she did she got to go through a transition of her own. She deserves better, I hope I can give her that.

Love to all and of course take care...