I used to love Halloween, for years it was the only day of the year I could dress as a girl and not get flack for it. In fact the first Halloween I can remember when I was 4 I dressed as Raggedy Ann. Today I was going to dress up for work in costume, but didn't have the gumption to do so just not feeling it. Then it hit me in the shower, I wasn't dressing up in a costume pretending every Halloween, I was dressing up in a costume every day but Halloween. It was the only day of the year I got to be me plain and simple. I spent too many years wearing a mask pretending to be something I was not, now I get to be me all the time and dressing up just wasn't in me today.
As for everything else, there's not much to report on the trans front. I find it harder and harder to write about those issues, I've grown over the past few years and have moved on past many issues and continue to work on others as I will for the rest of my life. I've found though if you dwell on the same things over and over they will smother you over time and you will be mired in a cycle of despair. I've tried to write a couple of other non trans issue blogs but haven't been able to find the passion I once had for this blog. I'm gonna keep working at it until I find something that fits, of course I will keep writing here from time to time, but as you can see from my recent pattern of posting it's few and far between. So if I'm not here for awhile and you want to see how life is going just drop me an email.
Hope all is well with anyone still listening.
Love to all and of course take care...
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Happy B-Day Chachi...
Well I've been a bit busy lately, I'm not really on the computer much this time of year, it's just too damn nice to be sitting writing etc on the computer. I'm more of a wintertime internet user. Life is ok right now, nothing spectacular good or bad. Softball is over and it was a good season, I got my first home run ever, my first grand slam, hit for the cycle and even took an at bat left handed. As a team though we fell short and failed to make the playoffs, but even though we didn't make it I had the most fun playing on a team ever and I've played many seasons in different sports, this team was more like a group of sisters and it felt good to be a part of it.
As usual I've been busy with work and projects at home, it's been a busy summer. I've built a deck, dug a big ass hole to put a tool shed in, built a retaining wall to hold back the hill I dug into and then built the afore mentioned shed. Other than that and hanging with my peeps and my kids it's been a dull summer. No rest for the wicked I say, actually it's the Protestant in me that keeps me busy, idle hands being the devils tools and all.
As my title states today is my chachi's two year birthday. It seems odd to think it was only two years ago. I guess when you feel a certain way your whole life the "hole surgery" is secondary and it seems like you've been this way for longer. Yet part of me seems like it was only yesterday I was in tremendous pain after waking up from the surgery not knowing it had happened and frantically telling the nurse to hold on I have to get up and pee. That first night was something I will never forget even though I was in a drug induced haze. I was so thirsty, had this feeling like I had to take the wicked piss ever and couldn't move no matter how hard I tried, and believe me I tried. The next week or so involved a mixture of elation and finding new meanings of pain. I had good friends with me to watch over me and help me out but there were times I was on my own. I remember having a full catheter bag the morning after surgery and having to get up and walk to the bathroom to empty it all alone in the hotel room as my friends were stuck in traffic. I also remember having to get up and plunge the toilet one day when one of friends was being driven to the airport by our other friend, not an easy task when parts of your body have been ripped out turned inside out and shoved up you. I learned allot about my threshold for pain and how much I can overcome if I set my mind to it. People underestimate what they can do if they just try.
One pain though that still nags at me is the guilt over the whole thing. I know I had no other choice, either I had the surgery or I would have ended up dead. There was no way around it, I had to do it, that is a given. I do however have guilt over dragging other people into it. I married had kids and stuck my burden on them. I am thankful that I tried to beat this through love, that I have two beautiful and wonderful kids, but I feel guilty that my wife has no husband and my kids don't have a normal father. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor is there any other way I can imagine things turning out any different, but guilt is a funny thing, it has no logic, rhyme or reason. Guilt is as guilt does, or is it like a box of chocolates? Guilt is this little monster that feeds off the excessive joy one has in their life to make true happiness a fleeting dream. It's the thing that makes this earth and not Heaven. Maybe someday when I see my kids are ok and Co finds love again I can drive a wooden stake into the heart of guilt and be free. Until then I'll get by beating it back as I can. At least I can battle knowing I am doing it as myself and with the knowledge I am strong enough to do what needs to be done.
Gotta go watch some olympics, I like the winter games better, but how can you not like watching beach volleyball?
Love to all and of course take care....
As usual I've been busy with work and projects at home, it's been a busy summer. I've built a deck, dug a big ass hole to put a tool shed in, built a retaining wall to hold back the hill I dug into and then built the afore mentioned shed. Other than that and hanging with my peeps and my kids it's been a dull summer. No rest for the wicked I say, actually it's the Protestant in me that keeps me busy, idle hands being the devils tools and all.
As my title states today is my chachi's two year birthday. It seems odd to think it was only two years ago. I guess when you feel a certain way your whole life the "hole surgery" is secondary and it seems like you've been this way for longer. Yet part of me seems like it was only yesterday I was in tremendous pain after waking up from the surgery not knowing it had happened and frantically telling the nurse to hold on I have to get up and pee. That first night was something I will never forget even though I was in a drug induced haze. I was so thirsty, had this feeling like I had to take the wicked piss ever and couldn't move no matter how hard I tried, and believe me I tried. The next week or so involved a mixture of elation and finding new meanings of pain. I had good friends with me to watch over me and help me out but there were times I was on my own. I remember having a full catheter bag the morning after surgery and having to get up and walk to the bathroom to empty it all alone in the hotel room as my friends were stuck in traffic. I also remember having to get up and plunge the toilet one day when one of friends was being driven to the airport by our other friend, not an easy task when parts of your body have been ripped out turned inside out and shoved up you. I learned allot about my threshold for pain and how much I can overcome if I set my mind to it. People underestimate what they can do if they just try.
One pain though that still nags at me is the guilt over the whole thing. I know I had no other choice, either I had the surgery or I would have ended up dead. There was no way around it, I had to do it, that is a given. I do however have guilt over dragging other people into it. I married had kids and stuck my burden on them. I am thankful that I tried to beat this through love, that I have two beautiful and wonderful kids, but I feel guilty that my wife has no husband and my kids don't have a normal father. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor is there any other way I can imagine things turning out any different, but guilt is a funny thing, it has no logic, rhyme or reason. Guilt is as guilt does, or is it like a box of chocolates? Guilt is this little monster that feeds off the excessive joy one has in their life to make true happiness a fleeting dream. It's the thing that makes this earth and not Heaven. Maybe someday when I see my kids are ok and Co finds love again I can drive a wooden stake into the heart of guilt and be free. Until then I'll get by beating it back as I can. At least I can battle knowing I am doing it as myself and with the knowledge I am strong enough to do what needs to be done.
Gotta go watch some olympics, I like the winter games better, but how can you not like watching beach volleyball?
Love to all and of course take care....
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Catching up, screwing all day,banging at night...
Ok I know it's been awhile and that title sounds a bit perverted, but anyone familiar with my blog knows a you can't judge a blog by it's title...
Screwing all day,banging at night...
I recently decided to build mom a deck for mothers day. I've never built a deck before, not even helped build one. I had an idea though in my little head and decided to go for it. So without any written plans or help from anyone, other than Court helping me by running a string to keep it straight I built a mighty nice deck. If I was more technically gifted I would post a picture on the blog, but I'm not. It was quite the ordeal getting all the decking down and gaped properly and my back was killing me from being stooped over screwing all the boards in with my drill.
The banging at night part comes from softball. It's been an odd season so far, I usually am great on defense and ok with a bat. This year I started on fire with the bat and have made a few defensive mistakes. I don't know if I've built muscle in my new department at work, or building the deck maybe, but I've never hit a home run in my life and have 2 of them so far this season. Of course we still haven't won a game, but it's not always about winning, it's about getting together with a bunch of lesbians smacking 1 symbol of male genitalia with an over sized phallic symbol. While we may suck on the field I enjoy hanging with my girls, it's really my only source of socializing I've been able to do in awhile. I need to get a life, start going out, move on with life before it's gone.
Speaking of doing things before life is gone I went to NYC the other day and took the test for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I did this back in '04 but did not do so well, this time however I did very well. There were 30 of us there to take the written test and when it was done, it was just me and some older gentleman from Mass. New England representing in the NYC! I was estatic, the next step was a little interview which went ok, but not as good as I know I could have done. I was still so overwhelmed after passing the test and recovering from the turmoil in getting there on time. You see I may be smart enough to get on the show, but I'm not smart enough to get my way around on the subway. I wanted to go uptown on the red 1 line and ended up heading downtown. I got off the subway when I realized, left the station went back into what I thought was the right station and proceeded to get back on a downtown bound train. Man was I pissed, so I got off the next station and decided to read the station signs and discovered the uptown stations say "uptown" on them. What a concept, so I got on the right train and just made the test in the nick of time. Thank God I was familiar with the area and knew where to go when I got off the train. They said they would be sending me a postcard within the next few weeks telling me whether or not I'm in the contestant pool. I'm keeping the faith and staying positive hoping the positive thought will bring something positive. Negativity tends to only drain you and attract negative things so I'm trying like hell to keep those thoughts at bay. If I don't make it and I'm "too ugly for television" I'll just keep trying. It's hard when your a tranny sometimes though. Several people on the subway were smiling at me like they clocked me and I was there to entertain them. What am I some fucking sort of entertainment, thus my dislike of drag as a form of entertainment, people like myself who are just trying to live my life get seen as something to laugh at for no other reason than being different. Of course after thinking about it I did have my knitting bag with me as I am working on a baby blanket for a friend, on the bag "Middlesex Credit union." Maybe they did clock me and think it was funny that a tranny would be on the subway with a bag that said middlesex, hey I had a chuckle too.
Otherwise life is good, busy too, warm weather makes it harder to find the time to sit here and blog about things, but I'll try. I'll definitely let you all know when the postcard comes what they say. Hopefully I'll be able to go on the show and earn enough $ to get the boob job I've been wanting for awhile. Ok a boob job and taking my kids to Disney, what says family fun more than a bigger bra and a visit to the magic kingdom...
Love to all and of course take care...
Screwing all day,banging at night...
I recently decided to build mom a deck for mothers day. I've never built a deck before, not even helped build one. I had an idea though in my little head and decided to go for it. So without any written plans or help from anyone, other than Court helping me by running a string to keep it straight I built a mighty nice deck. If I was more technically gifted I would post a picture on the blog, but I'm not. It was quite the ordeal getting all the decking down and gaped properly and my back was killing me from being stooped over screwing all the boards in with my drill.
The banging at night part comes from softball. It's been an odd season so far, I usually am great on defense and ok with a bat. This year I started on fire with the bat and have made a few defensive mistakes. I don't know if I've built muscle in my new department at work, or building the deck maybe, but I've never hit a home run in my life and have 2 of them so far this season. Of course we still haven't won a game, but it's not always about winning, it's about getting together with a bunch of lesbians smacking 1 symbol of male genitalia with an over sized phallic symbol. While we may suck on the field I enjoy hanging with my girls, it's really my only source of socializing I've been able to do in awhile. I need to get a life, start going out, move on with life before it's gone.
Speaking of doing things before life is gone I went to NYC the other day and took the test for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I did this back in '04 but did not do so well, this time however I did very well. There were 30 of us there to take the written test and when it was done, it was just me and some older gentleman from Mass. New England representing in the NYC! I was estatic, the next step was a little interview which went ok, but not as good as I know I could have done. I was still so overwhelmed after passing the test and recovering from the turmoil in getting there on time. You see I may be smart enough to get on the show, but I'm not smart enough to get my way around on the subway. I wanted to go uptown on the red 1 line and ended up heading downtown. I got off the subway when I realized, left the station went back into what I thought was the right station and proceeded to get back on a downtown bound train. Man was I pissed, so I got off the next station and decided to read the station signs and discovered the uptown stations say "uptown" on them. What a concept, so I got on the right train and just made the test in the nick of time. Thank God I was familiar with the area and knew where to go when I got off the train. They said they would be sending me a postcard within the next few weeks telling me whether or not I'm in the contestant pool. I'm keeping the faith and staying positive hoping the positive thought will bring something positive. Negativity tends to only drain you and attract negative things so I'm trying like hell to keep those thoughts at bay. If I don't make it and I'm "too ugly for television" I'll just keep trying. It's hard when your a tranny sometimes though. Several people on the subway were smiling at me like they clocked me and I was there to entertain them. What am I some fucking sort of entertainment, thus my dislike of drag as a form of entertainment, people like myself who are just trying to live my life get seen as something to laugh at for no other reason than being different. Of course after thinking about it I did have my knitting bag with me as I am working on a baby blanket for a friend, on the bag "Middlesex Credit union." Maybe they did clock me and think it was funny that a tranny would be on the subway with a bag that said middlesex, hey I had a chuckle too.
Otherwise life is good, busy too, warm weather makes it harder to find the time to sit here and blog about things, but I'll try. I'll definitely let you all know when the postcard comes what they say. Hopefully I'll be able to go on the show and earn enough $ to get the boob job I've been wanting for awhile. Ok a boob job and taking my kids to Disney, what says family fun more than a bigger bra and a visit to the magic kingdom...
Love to all and of course take care...
Monday, April 07, 2008
I QUIT!!! (again)
Yes it is true I'm a quitter, but in a good way. Today I am on day one of quitting smoking yet again. I know it sounds odd but in the past I've been successful at quitting smoking, the problem comes when something bad happens I start up again. The first real time I quit it was to go on hormones, my endo insisted I quit before he would prescribe e for me. I remember how stressful it was back then, I was trying to slowly end one way of life I had lived and transition into a new one without hurting either. I still remember chomping my mouthful of gummy bears the night I had to go before the GICNE board for certification that I was really tg. That quitting lasted quite a while almost 2 years in fact, I only went back to smoking after my little mental vacation after finding I was too stupid to even kill myself all at once, so I decided to take up the slower method again. I smoked for awhile again until the prospect of surgery actually came along again. Yes there were a few spurts and such where I would quit and go back quickly but once I got the okand $ for surgery I was hard core committed to quit. Ok so there was one night where I got a voice mail from my surgeon that it looked like he wasn't going to be able to do my surgery due to my blood work where I freaked and lit up, but you can't blame a gal can you for that? But things worked out and I got my surgery and only smoked that one night. That time I quit for almost a year only to start up again after I let a very nasty person get the better of me and stress me to the point of tears and buying a pack of smokes to calm down. I should have never let the bitch get to me and start the evil path of smoking again. Now it's 18 months latter and I'm tired of waking up coughing, hacking and always having a sore throat. A few of my male coworkers have offered to help with the sore throat thingy, but usually those kind of guys are just hiding something and have more of a tooth pick to offer than an all day sucker.
I hope this time will be one of the long quit times, I can't say I will never smoke again, one can never count on the word never. I have really enjoyed smoking, it has calmed me when I was upset, it has consoled me when I needed to cry, it has kept me awake when I was ready to crash from working 18 hour days, it is the on constant that has never changed throughout the various stages of my life, and of course it has been by my side when I was on top of the world after sex. Of course it has also made me cough, filled my lungs with gunk, and permanently scarred my lungs according to some pre-surgical x-rays I had. It's odd how something that has been so beneficial to my mentally has been so harmful to me physically. I know that the smoking I have done has shortened my life, and if I continued it would have surely ended my life. Who knows maybe I've already smoked too much for quitting to help, one will never know. All I can do is concentrate on not needing to smoke for the time being and not worry too much on what I did in the past or what the future may or may not bring. People say all the time they want to see their kids grow up and have grand kids, but quitting smoking doesn't guarantee that will happen. I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, God forbid something could happen to my kids, or for that matter the world could end. I've got shit I want to concentrate on for the time being, softball is starting this month and I would like to be able to run the bases without being winded. I also still have my goal of rollerblading 26.5 miles in a day that I want to accomplish this summer, I start training for that again on Thursday with a planned 10 mile trex. Should be a little easier without all that "Flavor" filling my lungs. For now this Marlboro woman is riding into the sunset before I need an oxygen tank in my saddle bag.
Love to all and of course take care....
I hope this time will be one of the long quit times, I can't say I will never smoke again, one can never count on the word never. I have really enjoyed smoking, it has calmed me when I was upset, it has consoled me when I needed to cry, it has kept me awake when I was ready to crash from working 18 hour days, it is the on constant that has never changed throughout the various stages of my life, and of course it has been by my side when I was on top of the world after sex. Of course it has also made me cough, filled my lungs with gunk, and permanently scarred my lungs according to some pre-surgical x-rays I had. It's odd how something that has been so beneficial to my mentally has been so harmful to me physically. I know that the smoking I have done has shortened my life, and if I continued it would have surely ended my life. Who knows maybe I've already smoked too much for quitting to help, one will never know. All I can do is concentrate on not needing to smoke for the time being and not worry too much on what I did in the past or what the future may or may not bring. People say all the time they want to see their kids grow up and have grand kids, but quitting smoking doesn't guarantee that will happen. I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, God forbid something could happen to my kids, or for that matter the world could end. I've got shit I want to concentrate on for the time being, softball is starting this month and I would like to be able to run the bases without being winded. I also still have my goal of rollerblading 26.5 miles in a day that I want to accomplish this summer, I start training for that again on Thursday with a planned 10 mile trex. Should be a little easier without all that "Flavor" filling my lungs. For now this Marlboro woman is riding into the sunset before I need an oxygen tank in my saddle bag.
Love to all and of course take care....
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The problem with Jeffersonian theory...
Well in my last long winded blog I spoke of taking a Jeffersonian approach to being trans and just not talk about it. I can't say if anyone read it, due to no comments, or maybe I just suck so bad I inspired no comments. Anyway I find myself at this time under yet another assault at work. I had a co-worker come up to me laughing while telling me what he overheard the other day about me. Of course it was about me being trans. I have tried my best to be so rock solid and tell myself it doesn't matter what other people say about me, but it is getting hard. It bothered me that this guy found it comical, of course his thing was that it was funny that people would think I was one of "those people." It bothered me that people think of "those people" as something that is comical, that they are objects to be made fun of because they are so fucked up in the head. I am one of those people dammit and I'm in a catch 22 right now. If I sit back and deny what I am, then I am no better than the assholes who poke fun of us. Yet if I stand up and say proudly "yes I am trans, you got a problem with that?" then I am merely falling into their trap of outing myself. I am simply what I am, I can't say I'm proud of being trans any more than I can say I'm proud of being white, or having blue eyes. I have no control over the way I was born, there can be no pride to be taken. I am proud of all the obstacles I had to overcome in order to get where I am. I am not ashamed of what I am, I am ashamed of what people think I am. It's sad that folks always have to ostracize what is different in people instead of embracing what we all have in common. It's funny when I lived as a guy I was different and would get called fag all the time, now I live as a woman I get called dike or have people talk on how I must have been a man behind my back. I'm different from most people no matter what clothes I wear on the outside because of having to deal with all that shit on the inside all those years. I don't fit either mold and who cares? I don't think I fit in the tranny mold either to tell the truth. The problem is that most of us don't really fit molds but we change who we are in order to fit what everyone else says we should be.
I don't mind from time to time playing the game and being a good tranny, and just keeping my mouth shut, but it wears on you over time. One of these days I'm just going to cave in one day and tell people the truth and fuck them if they don't like it. The anti discrimination bill is in the state house again, this year I actually sent in written testimony under the name Jane or John Doe. I hope it's passing will help us trans folks not have to deal with this kind of shit at work, but when you get down to it if a company wants to get rid of you they will get around it no matter how many laws you put out there to protect us or anyone else. I'm at the point where I'm actually afraid to see what will happen if I stand up for myself and my kind at work. I've had opportunity to approach hr on the issue but haven't decided to do it yet. If I continue to get treated the same way though I will have no choice to do so and see what becomes of it. Funny how I had the courage to go get a 1/4lb of flesh removed, change my name and my whole life, but I'm scared to go talk to one man about what's going on. This fear brings me shame, and makes me think I'm not as brave as I give myself credit for. How can I overcome such adversity yet be so afraid of telling someone who I am? Such is the paradox of my life. Oh well enough of me talking to the wall, or myself even, gotta go take on the day and try to remember to never let the bastards wear me down.
Love to all and of course take care...
I don't mind from time to time playing the game and being a good tranny, and just keeping my mouth shut, but it wears on you over time. One of these days I'm just going to cave in one day and tell people the truth and fuck them if they don't like it. The anti discrimination bill is in the state house again, this year I actually sent in written testimony under the name Jane or John Doe. I hope it's passing will help us trans folks not have to deal with this kind of shit at work, but when you get down to it if a company wants to get rid of you they will get around it no matter how many laws you put out there to protect us or anyone else. I'm at the point where I'm actually afraid to see what will happen if I stand up for myself and my kind at work. I've had opportunity to approach hr on the issue but haven't decided to do it yet. If I continue to get treated the same way though I will have no choice to do so and see what becomes of it. Funny how I had the courage to go get a 1/4lb of flesh removed, change my name and my whole life, but I'm scared to go talk to one man about what's going on. This fear brings me shame, and makes me think I'm not as brave as I give myself credit for. How can I overcome such adversity yet be so afraid of telling someone who I am? Such is the paradox of my life. Oh well enough of me talking to the wall, or myself even, gotta go take on the day and try to remember to never let the bastards wear me down.
Love to all and of course take care...
Friday, February 29, 2008
Ghosts,Time Travel and A few thoughts on being a Jeffersonian transsexual ...
Ok that's quite a lot in one title, but I haven't had a chance to write lately and I wanted to cover everything I haven't had the time to say. Overall life has been good and busy with the new position and all. I've been through so much training lately I haven't had much time or energy for writing anything here, but felt it was time to get some out, so here it goes.
On being a Jeffersonian transsexual...
Last week it was presidents day, not a day that really is too much of a holiday in my book. We really haven't had any really good presidents lately, and honestly how much can we truly say we know about how good the ones we are taught were so great really were, I mean many of the founding fathers were drunk and owned slaves for God's sake, not really pillars in today's world, but times are changing all the time I guess and history has a way of just trying to remember the good things. Barbra Streisand said it best in her song "The way we were" "What's to painful to remember we simply chose to forget..." Anyhow this blog isn't about the lyrics of bab's or all the past presidents and the good and bad about them it's basically my new found attitude on my life and how to deal with people like one of our past presidents did.
Ok I'm sure we all the know the story, Thomas Jefferson who was one of our founding fathers and a past president had somewhat of a liking for some "chocolate love" had an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, and had several children from this relationship, allegedly that is. What I didn't know that when all this was going on he had a great way of dealing with it, he just didn't talk about it. He didn't lie and state that he "didn't have relations with that women, ms. Hemings." He didn't sit there and blame the opposition, or the liberal media, he just chose to ignore it. By not paying it any attention he was not giving anyone the satisfaction of proving anything he said to be false or otherwise. Such is my new stand on things at work. I know there are rumours and rumblings around my workplace about me, you know what, who cares? At one point I used to get so worked up on having back stories, and half truths prepared for almost any question or moment, but you know, why should I have to sit there and tell stories? My new response to any of it will be something along the lines of how people have nothing better to do than spread gossip about people they are jealous of and leave it at that. No back stories, no denial, no giving people the satisfaction of getting to me. Thanks Mr. Jefferson for your example of how to piss off those who seek to pry into things that are not their business.
Ghosts and Time Travel
Ok I know odd subject but what the hell these are odd times. I just finished reading Jenny Boylan's latest book "I'm looking through you" and found it to be quite good. It was a quick read I started it on Sunday and finished on Thursday, but I'm a quicker than average reader if the author grabs me the right way, and she does. The book deals with her growing up in a "haunted house" where she sees some really crazy things, but more important than the ghosts she deals with in her youth are the ghosts she deals with in her adult life. We all have ghosts of our past in our life, not ghosts in a Casper kind of way, but more in a way on how people move in and out of our life, and even our past selves are sometimes a ghost to us. Now of course add being trans to the mix and things get amped up a bit to say the least. We seem to end up with more ghosts than most people. Even the people I still deal with from BT(before transition) are different than they were before. I can't blame them, I mean this person they cared for that they thought they knew so much about threw them for a loop and changed something very fundamental about them. This person went through all this pain and turmoil and in most cases didn't confide in them what was going on for all that time. Yeah I can see why people change.
It's hard at times dealing with our past in this journey all the BS we went through led us to where we are today, we can't just discard it. Many times though there is so much pain in our past lives we try not to hearken back to those days. It also makes us remember the people in our lives that we have lost on this journey of becoming true to ourselves. Jenny "lost" her sister in the same way I did. Both our sisters said the same things about how "it would be better if you had died." My sister even went as far as telling me I "killed her brother" wow a tranny and a killer, I should be getting that call from Springer any day now. Anyway I felt an even stronger kinship with Ms. Boylan after reading her book, in a way the two of us seem very alike, except she can write and I'm a hack, but what can you do.
In the book she went into this discussion she had with a fellow on time travel and how this guy would like to go back in the past and leave letters for his younger self warning him about certain events, and his sister to prevent her murder. I started thinking about if there were a time that I would go back to and leave a letter and what it would say. But the more I thought about it, there is not much I could change that would make things any better. I could go back and tell myself to get the breast implants when I had the money, that SRS would be a few years off, but who knows, that could have set something off in Co and I wouldn't be able to see the kids, so how would that have improved things? No as much hurt as I've been through, things are good the way they are. I think the one thing I would go back and do is go back to right after I had my little break down, give myself a big hug while I was asleep and whisper in my ear how everything was going to be alright. Who knows maybe I already did, because for some reason,other than a few moments there on the bottom of the abyss, I somehow knew deep down that it would be ok. Just like Jenny figured one of the ghosts she saw in her youth was merely and older her.
Oddly enough continuing on the subject of time travel and breakdowns, last nights episode of Lost also dealt with a time rift. One of the main characters goes through this weird storm which contains a time rift and he is stuck bouncing back and forth between the present and 8 years ago. He was going nuts, when he came back to present he had no knowledge of the events of the last 8 years and thought it was still 2000. It got me thinking, I do that a lot since I have no social life, on what it would be like to have that happen. September 11th wouldn't have happened yet, I had just the one kid on the way at the time, I was balding, and oh yeah had a penis. What a freak-out that would be, one minute it's there, then poof it's gone,in, out, in,out. I don't think I could survive such a rift going back and forth 8 years. Even half of that would be tough. Four years ago I was just starting transition, I was just getting used to my new skin, my new freedom, finding my place in the world. It was all so new to me, I was in a little rift of my own,stuck between the worlds of being male and being female all while being truly neither. I don't want to go off in yet another tangent now, but trust me growing up with a female brain and penis is not growing up either male or female, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a different thing, and if I piss you off by saying it take a long hard night to think it over and email me,just comment me to email you and I'll email you back. I was struggling and unknowingly heading fast for a bad fall into a dark abyss. I'm in a better place now, I like this skin I'm in, it feels good to be me. The me I am has changed a lot in 4 years, and I'm sure it will continue to change. I bet I can look back 4 years from now and think how much life has changed. At least I hope too, life would be pretty boring without change. I just hope I don't hit any time rifts anytime soon, find any letters from my future self, or for that matter see any ghosts. Anyway to finish the story from Lost, he finally was able to break the time jumping when he spoke to the woman he loved in the present. It was the only constant for him between the two times, I hope that I too have constants in my life far into the future that are here now that I love.
If you read this whole long thing, thanks for listening to the babble, sorry for the tangents and the scatteredness.
Love to all and of course take care..
On being a Jeffersonian transsexual...
Last week it was presidents day, not a day that really is too much of a holiday in my book. We really haven't had any really good presidents lately, and honestly how much can we truly say we know about how good the ones we are taught were so great really were, I mean many of the founding fathers were drunk and owned slaves for God's sake, not really pillars in today's world, but times are changing all the time I guess and history has a way of just trying to remember the good things. Barbra Streisand said it best in her song "The way we were" "What's to painful to remember we simply chose to forget..." Anyhow this blog isn't about the lyrics of bab's or all the past presidents and the good and bad about them it's basically my new found attitude on my life and how to deal with people like one of our past presidents did.
Ok I'm sure we all the know the story, Thomas Jefferson who was one of our founding fathers and a past president had somewhat of a liking for some "chocolate love" had an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, and had several children from this relationship, allegedly that is. What I didn't know that when all this was going on he had a great way of dealing with it, he just didn't talk about it. He didn't lie and state that he "didn't have relations with that women, ms. Hemings." He didn't sit there and blame the opposition, or the liberal media, he just chose to ignore it. By not paying it any attention he was not giving anyone the satisfaction of proving anything he said to be false or otherwise. Such is my new stand on things at work. I know there are rumours and rumblings around my workplace about me, you know what, who cares? At one point I used to get so worked up on having back stories, and half truths prepared for almost any question or moment, but you know, why should I have to sit there and tell stories? My new response to any of it will be something along the lines of how people have nothing better to do than spread gossip about people they are jealous of and leave it at that. No back stories, no denial, no giving people the satisfaction of getting to me. Thanks Mr. Jefferson for your example of how to piss off those who seek to pry into things that are not their business.
Ghosts and Time Travel
Ok I know odd subject but what the hell these are odd times. I just finished reading Jenny Boylan's latest book "I'm looking through you" and found it to be quite good. It was a quick read I started it on Sunday and finished on Thursday, but I'm a quicker than average reader if the author grabs me the right way, and she does. The book deals with her growing up in a "haunted house" where she sees some really crazy things, but more important than the ghosts she deals with in her youth are the ghosts she deals with in her adult life. We all have ghosts of our past in our life, not ghosts in a Casper kind of way, but more in a way on how people move in and out of our life, and even our past selves are sometimes a ghost to us. Now of course add being trans to the mix and things get amped up a bit to say the least. We seem to end up with more ghosts than most people. Even the people I still deal with from BT(before transition) are different than they were before. I can't blame them, I mean this person they cared for that they thought they knew so much about threw them for a loop and changed something very fundamental about them. This person went through all this pain and turmoil and in most cases didn't confide in them what was going on for all that time. Yeah I can see why people change.
It's hard at times dealing with our past in this journey all the BS we went through led us to where we are today, we can't just discard it. Many times though there is so much pain in our past lives we try not to hearken back to those days. It also makes us remember the people in our lives that we have lost on this journey of becoming true to ourselves. Jenny "lost" her sister in the same way I did. Both our sisters said the same things about how "it would be better if you had died." My sister even went as far as telling me I "killed her brother" wow a tranny and a killer, I should be getting that call from Springer any day now. Anyway I felt an even stronger kinship with Ms. Boylan after reading her book, in a way the two of us seem very alike, except she can write and I'm a hack, but what can you do.
In the book she went into this discussion she had with a fellow on time travel and how this guy would like to go back in the past and leave letters for his younger self warning him about certain events, and his sister to prevent her murder. I started thinking about if there were a time that I would go back to and leave a letter and what it would say. But the more I thought about it, there is not much I could change that would make things any better. I could go back and tell myself to get the breast implants when I had the money, that SRS would be a few years off, but who knows, that could have set something off in Co and I wouldn't be able to see the kids, so how would that have improved things? No as much hurt as I've been through, things are good the way they are. I think the one thing I would go back and do is go back to right after I had my little break down, give myself a big hug while I was asleep and whisper in my ear how everything was going to be alright. Who knows maybe I already did, because for some reason,other than a few moments there on the bottom of the abyss, I somehow knew deep down that it would be ok. Just like Jenny figured one of the ghosts she saw in her youth was merely and older her.
Oddly enough continuing on the subject of time travel and breakdowns, last nights episode of Lost also dealt with a time rift. One of the main characters goes through this weird storm which contains a time rift and he is stuck bouncing back and forth between the present and 8 years ago. He was going nuts, when he came back to present he had no knowledge of the events of the last 8 years and thought it was still 2000. It got me thinking, I do that a lot since I have no social life, on what it would be like to have that happen. September 11th wouldn't have happened yet, I had just the one kid on the way at the time, I was balding, and oh yeah had a penis. What a freak-out that would be, one minute it's there, then poof it's gone,in, out, in,out. I don't think I could survive such a rift going back and forth 8 years. Even half of that would be tough. Four years ago I was just starting transition, I was just getting used to my new skin, my new freedom, finding my place in the world. It was all so new to me, I was in a little rift of my own,stuck between the worlds of being male and being female all while being truly neither. I don't want to go off in yet another tangent now, but trust me growing up with a female brain and penis is not growing up either male or female, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a different thing, and if I piss you off by saying it take a long hard night to think it over and email me,just comment me to email you and I'll email you back. I was struggling and unknowingly heading fast for a bad fall into a dark abyss. I'm in a better place now, I like this skin I'm in, it feels good to be me. The me I am has changed a lot in 4 years, and I'm sure it will continue to change. I bet I can look back 4 years from now and think how much life has changed. At least I hope too, life would be pretty boring without change. I just hope I don't hit any time rifts anytime soon, find any letters from my future self, or for that matter see any ghosts. Anyway to finish the story from Lost, he finally was able to break the time jumping when he spoke to the woman he loved in the present. It was the only constant for him between the two times, I hope that I too have constants in my life far into the future that are here now that I love.
If you read this whole long thing, thanks for listening to the babble, sorry for the tangents and the scatteredness.
Love to all and of course take care..
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
If at first you don't suceed, try, try again...
Oh well tonight I'm giving it another try. You see I've experienced so much in my life, they are simple things but big to me, and one thing that I haven't accomplished yet is being on a game show. So tonight I take the online Jeopardy test again. I took it last year and got my ass kicked even though I studied for weeks, this year I'm going in with no preparation at all. Why not? Busting my ass just got me nervous, doing nothing has me at ease, which hopefully will help. I'll let you all know how I do.
In other news I may be moving within the next couple of years. I hate the winter with a passion and have wanted to move south for some time now, but my family is here and I can't leave them. Well Co's brother moved down to South Carolina a few years back and now her parents are talking about following. Her family is very close and her parents are getting up there in age so she is thinking of following them down there as well. Well if my family is going south I'm going as well. I love the heat so it's good, and a change of scenery would do good for the whole stealth thing as well. I am a little concerned though of how the "T community" is treated down there. I know it's the south and people up here have a pre-conceived notion that they're all rednecks down there. I don't think so though, people are people plain and simple and since I blend pretty well I think I'll be ok. Plus after watching "To Wang Foo Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar" the people of the south take fine to drag queens so why not me. I look a hell of allot better than Wesley Snipes in a dress, unfortunately John Leguizamo got me beat, Chi-Chi was a Latino beauty. Oh well can't smart and pretty too....
Love to all and of course take care....
In other news I may be moving within the next couple of years. I hate the winter with a passion and have wanted to move south for some time now, but my family is here and I can't leave them. Well Co's brother moved down to South Carolina a few years back and now her parents are talking about following. Her family is very close and her parents are getting up there in age so she is thinking of following them down there as well. Well if my family is going south I'm going as well. I love the heat so it's good, and a change of scenery would do good for the whole stealth thing as well. I am a little concerned though of how the "T community" is treated down there. I know it's the south and people up here have a pre-conceived notion that they're all rednecks down there. I don't think so though, people are people plain and simple and since I blend pretty well I think I'll be ok. Plus after watching "To Wang Foo Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar" the people of the south take fine to drag queens so why not me. I look a hell of allot better than Wesley Snipes in a dress, unfortunately John Leguizamo got me beat, Chi-Chi was a Latino beauty. Oh well can't smart and pretty too....
Love to all and of course take care....
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Life keeps going...
Well as promised I am trying to write a little more at this time. Life is still going ok at this time. I recently did end up getting my promotion at work. It's hectic right now as I am having to learn a whole bunch of new things and I have more responsibility, but of course I am also getting more money which is nice. It comes at a good time as every year around this time I am reminded how transitioning cost me a career I loved and was great at. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of having to tell my boss what was going on, and of course next week is the the anniversary of being asked to leave. It still hurts and probably always will, but you know I have grown so much from the experience, it was the right thing at the time to do, and I am starting to rebuild my career at this time. It's harder for me though now, women don't get the same respect as men still in this day and age. Not to mention I really don't know how much they know about my situation at work, I just choose not to bring it up, I am me, the person who happens to be a tranny, not a tranny first. But if they do it also becomes a hindrance in moving up. I am very proud of myself though for being able to move up if they do know. It's good to know that if they do know I've worked hard enough to overcome any misgivings they may have against the t world, and that it doesn't matter to them enough to hold me back. It's nice to not feel like I have to be always looking over my shoulder waiting to be approached by a member of management to take me into the back and have a little talk. I look forward to the challenge of the new position and have to remember that in the small town I work in that I am somewhat of an ambassador of others on the journey, but not to overburden myself so much by thinking I am so important that everyone is going to base the whole community on my actions. Basically I just need to continue being myself, work hard and leave the purple mini and 6 inch heels at home.
Last week was my birthday and it was ok in some aspects but mainly it sucked. It was good in the way that I got to do something fun in going to the casino to play a little bingo and some slots. I don't know why but I have become fond of the bingo, not that I've won anything yet, but what else can you do at the casino for 4 hours and only spend $20? I again didn't win, but had an ok time. I also was given some free slot play from the casino along with a little money I brought and played quite a long time. After hours of play, eating using my points and a birthday coupon, I left with only $5 less of my slot money then I walked in with, not a bad day. The bad part was I went alone. None of my friends were able to go as it was a normal workday for most people, so I can't really be mad at anyone, it's just tough to not be able to share a good time with someone. A beautiful sunset is nice, but if you don't have someone to share it with it's just not the same. I guess I'm just a little lonely right now. It's been such a long time since someone has loved me romantically for who and what I am. It's a tough life but one that I had no choice but to live, maybe someday love will find me again, yes I said find because right now I'm too afraid to go looking, there's less chance of being hurt that way.
Saturday was great as I had it off too which is an oddity and I got to go watch my daughter play basketball. I am so proud of her, she isn't very good yet, but she tries like hell which is the important part. So few kids who play sports will do it as a job latter in life, but all kids can learn from sports how to work together with others and more importantly the determination it takes to get through this tough thing we call life. I hope she sticks with it and gets the lessons I did when I played sports, lessons that if I hadn't learned might have cost me my life. I've been through so many days when I just wanted to give up the fight, drive off the bridge, lay down and die, but I didn't and I credit those lessons for that fact. Love of course has a great deal to do with it too of course, as much as I've always hated myself, I've known deep down that no matter what I am loved. I don't know why because they say you can't be loved until you learn to love yourself, maybe I'm the exception to the rule, the 1 in 10,000? Why not I've already fallen into that lucky person elsewhere in life.
Oh well enough rambling, I need to recharge after getting my brains scrambled learning my new responsibilities....
Love to all and of course take care...
Last week was my birthday and it was ok in some aspects but mainly it sucked. It was good in the way that I got to do something fun in going to the casino to play a little bingo and some slots. I don't know why but I have become fond of the bingo, not that I've won anything yet, but what else can you do at the casino for 4 hours and only spend $20? I again didn't win, but had an ok time. I also was given some free slot play from the casino along with a little money I brought and played quite a long time. After hours of play, eating using my points and a birthday coupon, I left with only $5 less of my slot money then I walked in with, not a bad day. The bad part was I went alone. None of my friends were able to go as it was a normal workday for most people, so I can't really be mad at anyone, it's just tough to not be able to share a good time with someone. A beautiful sunset is nice, but if you don't have someone to share it with it's just not the same. I guess I'm just a little lonely right now. It's been such a long time since someone has loved me romantically for who and what I am. It's a tough life but one that I had no choice but to live, maybe someday love will find me again, yes I said find because right now I'm too afraid to go looking, there's less chance of being hurt that way.
Saturday was great as I had it off too which is an oddity and I got to go watch my daughter play basketball. I am so proud of her, she isn't very good yet, but she tries like hell which is the important part. So few kids who play sports will do it as a job latter in life, but all kids can learn from sports how to work together with others and more importantly the determination it takes to get through this tough thing we call life. I hope she sticks with it and gets the lessons I did when I played sports, lessons that if I hadn't learned might have cost me my life. I've been through so many days when I just wanted to give up the fight, drive off the bridge, lay down and die, but I didn't and I credit those lessons for that fact. Love of course has a great deal to do with it too of course, as much as I've always hated myself, I've known deep down that no matter what I am loved. I don't know why because they say you can't be loved until you learn to love yourself, maybe I'm the exception to the rule, the 1 in 10,000? Why not I've already fallen into that lucky person elsewhere in life.
Oh well enough rambling, I need to recharge after getting my brains scrambled learning my new responsibilities....
Love to all and of course take care...
Thursday, January 03, 2008
It's been too long...
Ok so I took like half a year off from writing here, not that too many people noticed, I don't have the readership I once had. Maybe because I don't have the energy I once had to write all the time. Life's been good, and good life makes a bad blog. I have been working on a few projects here and there, nothing to write home about. Life hasn't been all roses, but it's allot better off then what it used to be.
The screaming is done, no more "voices" screaming that even though every thing seemed ok it was all wrong. I am physically complete and working on the mental side of life now. I had a good time playing in a women's softball league for the first time and look forward to playing in two different leagues this year. I'm also debating on going back and playing a little hockey as well.
On the cause front, Court and I started a team for the MS walk in May to honor Dr. Petits family. We were hoping to get a large team and raise a good amount of money but so far interest is little if any. We'll have to keep trying, that man gave allot to our community it would be nice to try and give some back.
On the social front, what social front, I work, I come home, I work the next day. Every now and then I go play bingo at the casino(yeah I was a little old lady trapped in a mans body I guess.) No love interests at this time which sucks, but at least I don't have to worry about getting my heart broken I guess.
Work is good for the most part, other than the few assholes that have a problem with me. I've tried to be stealth, but in this day and age it's pretty impossible, it's too small a world. I don't ever deny being what I am, I'm too proud of surviving all I've been through, I just don't go around talking about it. Of course you always have some people that are so insecure with their own life that they need to have problems with other people's lives and cause trouble. There's been some shit said right in front of me that bothered me a great deal, but not enough to ask for heads to roll. If I go around bitching over ever little comment that gets made about me that I happen to over hear pretty soon I'm going to be labeled a complainer and will have to watch my back. Let the assholes have their opinions, let them say little cute things thinking they are hurting me. Truth is words only hurt if you let them, and mean people win only when you let them as well. The best way to deal with an asshole is just ignore them, sooner or latter they get bored and move on to the next person. I've been through too much to let some little haters get me down. I'm not the first person like me at my company, and I'm sure as hell I won't be the last. Pretty soon I should be moving up to a new position, while the jerks who have a problem with me are left behind, my my fitting isn't it?
I will try to write more this year, hopefully not of bad things but of good, even if it is boring. It's odd when you stop and think about it how so many people start off the new year hoping for so much. Maybe that's why the holidays are so depressing for some people? They start the year with big ideas on how this will be the year that changes everything and then when it doesn't happen and the year closes out it becomes depressing. The same could be said on why birthdays are so depressing, another year older and not much has changed. I'm lucky as my birthday comes up a little after the new year so I get all the depressing stuff done early. This year though I not hoping that this will be the year it all comes together. No this will be the year were I plan to take things as they come, to enjoy what I accomplish instead of fretting over what was left undone. This year will be what it will be ,nothing can be done to change it, what I can change is how I look at it and hopefully by December it will have been a fun ride.
Love to all and of course take care.
The screaming is done, no more "voices" screaming that even though every thing seemed ok it was all wrong. I am physically complete and working on the mental side of life now. I had a good time playing in a women's softball league for the first time and look forward to playing in two different leagues this year. I'm also debating on going back and playing a little hockey as well.
On the cause front, Court and I started a team for the MS walk in May to honor Dr. Petits family. We were hoping to get a large team and raise a good amount of money but so far interest is little if any. We'll have to keep trying, that man gave allot to our community it would be nice to try and give some back.
On the social front, what social front, I work, I come home, I work the next day. Every now and then I go play bingo at the casino(yeah I was a little old lady trapped in a mans body I guess.) No love interests at this time which sucks, but at least I don't have to worry about getting my heart broken I guess.
Work is good for the most part, other than the few assholes that have a problem with me. I've tried to be stealth, but in this day and age it's pretty impossible, it's too small a world. I don't ever deny being what I am, I'm too proud of surviving all I've been through, I just don't go around talking about it. Of course you always have some people that are so insecure with their own life that they need to have problems with other people's lives and cause trouble. There's been some shit said right in front of me that bothered me a great deal, but not enough to ask for heads to roll. If I go around bitching over ever little comment that gets made about me that I happen to over hear pretty soon I'm going to be labeled a complainer and will have to watch my back. Let the assholes have their opinions, let them say little cute things thinking they are hurting me. Truth is words only hurt if you let them, and mean people win only when you let them as well. The best way to deal with an asshole is just ignore them, sooner or latter they get bored and move on to the next person. I've been through too much to let some little haters get me down. I'm not the first person like me at my company, and I'm sure as hell I won't be the last. Pretty soon I should be moving up to a new position, while the jerks who have a problem with me are left behind, my my fitting isn't it?
I will try to write more this year, hopefully not of bad things but of good, even if it is boring. It's odd when you stop and think about it how so many people start off the new year hoping for so much. Maybe that's why the holidays are so depressing for some people? They start the year with big ideas on how this will be the year that changes everything and then when it doesn't happen and the year closes out it becomes depressing. The same could be said on why birthdays are so depressing, another year older and not much has changed. I'm lucky as my birthday comes up a little after the new year so I get all the depressing stuff done early. This year though I not hoping that this will be the year it all comes together. No this will be the year were I plan to take things as they come, to enjoy what I accomplish instead of fretting over what was left undone. This year will be what it will be ,nothing can be done to change it, what I can change is how I look at it and hopefully by December it will have been a fun ride.
Love to all and of course take care.
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