Power Reading...

Ok I admit it I AM A GEEK, at least when it comes to stuff like scifi or reading, especially the Harry Potter books. I usually just stick my nose in them and read them till my eyes just want to pop out of my head or I finish, whichever comes first. Sunday during my lunch I finally went out and bought the Deathly Hallows the last book in the series. I wanted to go out and buy it right away when it came out, but for some reason a little voice said "no wait, it will still be there." So I waited until Sunday. I read for a few hours that night, another 3 or so before work yesterday, another 5 hours last night and finally finished it today with a little less than 2 hours of reading. After finishing it I was satisfied yet sad that there would be no more adventures to read about involving them, and looked for the litterary lessons held within. I believe that all good stories have more to the story than just what is written on the pages, there is so much more between the lines of a good work, many things that you can learn about yourself.

Rowlings books to me have held many simularities to WWII Europe and the struggle of good vs evil and the whole race of superiority. The death eaters are Voldermort's SS of sorts, instead of a swatstika they have the dark mark, and of course both leaders of evil are mad. She also though seemed to touch a little in the last two books on the whole climate in the US after 9/11. How society was frightened by horrible actions and all the government seemed to do is offer silly new laws that were to protect us, by taking away some of our freedoms. Don't get me wrong, I love our country and I believe full heartedly that we had no choice but to chase down the Taliban in Afganistan after those events. I support our troops, I have several relatives serving over there right now. I just never understood the whole Iraq thing. They had nothing to do with 9/11 yet they used the fevor caused by it to justify going in. And now I hate to say we can't just leave, we've got a big mess to clean up, one we created. Anyway way off tangent there, but I don't want to be seen as just being anti-Bush, anti-US, anti-war. War is unfortunately a necessary thing sometimes to fight off evil, it just gets hard sometimes figuring out which side is good and which side is evil. I think the whole feel of the last two books is kind of like what we are feeling in the western world today. So much pain and fear abound for our troops, and our own saftey as monsters are now targeting civilans. I only wish there were some of the good magic in the books around in our world, it might be a better place.

I found it funny after talking to Co that I finished the book on Harry's birthday, see maybe that little voice belonged to Professor Trelawney, figuring if I bought it on the 29th I'd finish on the 31st.(see I told you I was a geek) Whatever the reason it was a good journey and a coincidental ending of my reading enjoyment.

Spoiler Alert-

Beware to those who the ending don't want to know,

of the words that lie below.

Ok I just had to put some of the details about what happens in the book are you ready.
Harry turns 17, him and his best buds head out on a journey to complete the job given to him by Dumbeldore, bad guys die, good guys die, death everywhere, questions are answered and of course a final showdown the end.

You really thought I was going to take all the enjoyment out of it. Read it yourself you lazy muggle.

Not since 9/11...

I cannot fully explain the pain, sorrow and shock that are in my heart right now as I try to process the horrible story about a great man and his family. Yesterday 2 monsters that are wastes of flesh and bone showed just how evil a human can be to another. My poor Dr, a man I admire and quite plainly believe to be the nicest Dr. I've even had the pleasure of being a patient of, lost his family to the horrible acts of two evil individuals. They broke into his bouse, beat him about the head(I have a friend who has connections with the local pd that actually told me they tortured him throughout the night), sexually assaulted his family, stole their money, and set the house on fire leaving them all for dead. Unfortunately my Dr was the only one to make it out alive.

I can't imagine the pain he must be enduring right now. If I lost my family I would be broken inside. I can't say for sure, and hopefully will never have to endure such pain, but I think I'd go out buy a gun and shoot the mf's up. I can't try to understand the mix of sorrow, pain and anger he must be feeling right now.

It is such a terrible act no matter who it happened to, but this man is so kind. He was the one who was the gatekeeper for me getting on hormones. He was the one who made it possible for me to be the woman I am today. He was always patient and would go out of his way to discuss things with you. Several times I would bring to him questions about my meds and dosages and if we could try different things and he would take the time to go over the plus's and minus's of them. Even when I went in for my last appointment, which was with his nurse, he took the time to come see me before I left because he knew it was my first visit after my surgery. He spent over 10 minutes just talking to me about things and making sure I was ok, along with getting my report on my surgeon so they could reccomend him if someone was looking for a different surgeon.

I haven't felt this way since that fateful day when the towers fell and we found out we weren't as safe as we thought we were. Today I went around in the same daze I felt in the days following those tragic events and pondered what I wanted out of life, and tried to figure out what path I needed to take. Today there are no new paths to take, my mental well being is so much better than it was back then as I have found comfort in my own skin. I have a heavy heart though as I mourn for a man and his family that helped me find this comfort. I do need to do something I just haven't figured out what yet. Maybe it's time to make a bigger push to get a team to walk for diabeties for the fall walk and name the team in the family's honor? I don't know, but I do know the best way to defeat evil is with kindness, I just don't know if there is enough kindness to ever combat such evil.

Love to all and of course take care....

Dealing with fear...

Mom and I finally went and visited my ill aunt in the nursing home the other day. I had tried to go previously by myself, but found myself unable to muster up the courage to do so. I don't know if it was visiting someone who was dieing when I still have my own guilt issues for surviving something that should have left me dead. Or maybe having to explain the whole trans thing to someone on their deathbead. I am not ashamed of what I am, but I do feel it's not right to burden someone who is dealing with the issues of their life ending with having to deal with the fact I was not what they thought me to be, and to figure out their own feelings. It should be their time to deal with wrapping up anything in their own life, not a time to deal with new issues.

Any way I stopped be a big pussy and I went with mom to see them. Unfortunately my aunt was out of it due to the morphine they were giving her and I didn't get a chance to talk to her at all. She seemed to be struggling to breath so much, even with the assistance of a forced ventilator and the oxygen. I thought she was going to pass when we were there. Speaking of looks, my uncle has such a look of fear when he looked at me. He couldn't make eye contact, speak to me, or even come close to me. He looked like if I got too close he might catch what I had. I understand he was dealing with the fact his wife was lying there about to die and he was seeing her struggling as I was, but I still can't get that look out of my head. My uncle was a military man, a real tough guy and not afraid of much, but the look in his eyes when he looked at me, he looked like a little kid who just saw the boogey monster. I still don't know if the fear was directed at me, or for her passing, maybe both.

Unfortunately Saturday morning she passed away, actually with the amount of pain she appeared to be in, well she's comfortable now. My uncle, dad and stepmom were there with her, so she did not die alone, which is comforting to me. Being alone when I die is one of my biggest fears. Anyway arrangements have been made and this week the funeral and wake will be held. Now I find myself afraid yet again. I'm not sure how the other realtives on my dad's side that don't know about me are going to react. I don't want to be a distraction from an event that should be celebrating a great woman and her life. I don't want to see fear in other people's eyes when they meet me. Passing amongst the general population is cake most the time, dealing with your family is hell. I don't want to be he'd or Scott'd, I don't want to sit there and answer questions, deal with stares and condisending eyes. Yet I do want to say goodbye to an aunt I loved dearly. She was a person who taught me about music and cookies, oh how she loved to bake. She and my uncle taught me about perserverance as they tried so hard to have a kid and eventually did. She was such a pleasant person to be around and had a habbit of lighting up a room when she entered it. I'm sure if she were able to talk to me about my transtion I have a feeling she would have had something nice to say about it, she might not have understood why I did what I did, but she would have had some sort of support for me. I will have to decide how to handle the family events coming up.

Dealing with her illness, my dad not telling them until this time and seeing my uncle has sparked a poem. I haven't written in so long and I needed to get my feelings about fear out in the open. We all have our own fears, and a big one of mine is my family at times, and their own feelings over my own. It will take some time to beat this fear, but I am sure once I do there will be yet another fear to conquer, there always is. This life is about learning, and the best way to learn about our fears is by beating them. Enjoy.

FEAR

A nasty little four letter word
Hell-bent on letting you lock yourself away
In a prison of your own making.
It’s that little voice that makes you doubt
All you know you can do.
It’s a distraction
An excuse
A disease if you let it
That keeps us from being
All we can be
From doing all we can do
From living life to it’s fullest.

Fear is an illusion.
It makes us walk away from love
It’s what keeps us from asking questions
Learning new things
It’s that black nasty monster
That keeps us from meeting new people
Trying new things.

Fear makes people grow apart
Distant
It has us grow inward
Not outward.
It sends us backwards
Not forwards.
It holds us back in our own little zones of comfort
Which over time
Become
Smaller &
Smaller
It’s a premature death
That can leave us
Longing,
Alone,
Unable.

We alone can conquer it
So we can live our lives to their fullest
Experience all live has to offer
And die with few regrets.

Just need to rant...

Well things overall are going ok, I just need to rant about those things that aren't right now. I know things could be worse but to be dealing with some of this stuff years after my transition is frustrating. You see my favorite aunt on my dad's side is very ill, and nobody on my dad's side knows that I am now Ashley, they still think I'm good old Scott. I've offered to send out Christmas letters, or other ways to come out to the members of his family that matter, and he has been against it. I love my dad so I've listened like a good girl, but now here we are with a situation that one of my loved ones is ill and isn't going to come out of it, and I feel so powerless. I feel like somehow I'm supposed to feel ashamed for what I am, why else hide it from your own family? But I refuse to feel ashamed for being something I am proud of surviving. My dad said he would talk to my uncle and aunt about the whole thing so I could go see her before it was too late. Luckily my sister thought my dad had already spoken to them and inadvertantly spilled the beans. Whether or not her intentions were good or not one will never know,I have a feeling she was telling them hoping they would have a problem with it like she does. I'm sure with her telling the tale she put it in not the best light, but I got a call from dad yesterday giving me the go ahead for going to visit her, they are ok with it. The only problem is now, I'm sick with a sinus infection and have to wait a few days so the meds can kick in, which brings us to rant #2.

I've had the same doctor since I was 18, he's been good to me over the years, and after finding out about my trans issues offered his help in any way. That was until I tried to get him to pull out my stitches, yeah any way but that. Yesterday I had to go see him for the first time since after my surgery last year, I've had a very healthy year indeed. Well I call, and his receptionist gives me a tude, which is normal for her I guess, but when I see the good doc, he has a tude too. No questions on how I'm healing, how I've been, doing etc. No apologies for canceling my appointment to take out my stitches when I was on my way to his office. No small talk at all trans or otherwise. I know he has another trans patient who is pre op last I knew, you'd think he might want some info for that patient, nope, nadda, nothing. "Yep, your sick, here's a prescription, here's a note for work, give me your $30 and get out." I think it may be time to start looking for a new doctor, one who's mouth doesn't write checks his ass can't cash.

Speaking of checks, ah forget it, don't want to bitch about work here too much, might be that last bit of information completing the puzzle which blows my cover. Let's just say there are some people that shouldn't be in the position they are in corporate america. You know the kind where you can tell if they are lieing because their lips are in motion.

Anyway I apologize for barely touching base on some of this shit, I'm still under the weather and not at my best this morning.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Dealing with guilt and the lesbianism of George Clooney...

Fathers day for me this year is bringing guilt for some reason. For the few years I was a father before my transition I was so proud on father's day. I was a proud pappa to say the least, I was a provider for my family, I was there when the kids were born, even assisting in my sons birth. I still have the t-shirts I made for both of my kids births with their footprints on the back. I was a good husband(I think) and was an all around good, yet miserable inside, guy. Now a few years latter and a feel as a failure as a parent. I get to see my kids on the weekend, I'm hardly making ends meet and not able to do what I'd like to do for my kids. I'm biologically their father, but now physically female, which of course ruins the whole good husband thingy. I feel both left out of what once was my close family unit and guilty like I've let them down somehow just because I couldn't somehow find a way to make it as a man. I know it's a catch 22, this is what was dealt for me and I really had no control over it, but I feel like I've dragged them into this along with me.

My son graduated from preschool the other day and to celebrate Co took them to Chuck e cheese. I didn't go since my mother in law was going too, and we haven't talked since Co and I sold the house. I really didn't think it was the time or the place to see her for the first time post transition since it was a celebration for my son, but I still felt so left out. My daughter just finished her school year as well and for her good report card and making it to the 4th grade I'm going to take the imitative and take her to a CT Sun game this week. That way I get to plan the whole thing and not have to worry about upsetting other people. I'll have to figure a way to celebrate with my son down the road. I'm just hoping these blahs go away after father's day.

As for the George Clooney reference, I went out with the girls after our last softball game and got involved in a really odd conversation for me. I'm used to the guys talking about hot chicks at the bar after a game, but not the girls. Well all the girls I went out with the other night play for the other team so to speak and they got to talking about hot chicks (really I'm not lieing lesbians playing softball.) I was a little uneasy at first not knowing what to say, but soon I joined in with my choices as well. As the conversation went on it turned to the question of what male celebrity would you have sex with, and George Clooney was an overwhelming favorite. I was amazed as he is one of the males I find myself attracted to as well. What is it about him we may never know, but 4 out of 5 lesbians that would consider sex with a man agree that they'd have sex with George Clooney, with or without the Dentene...

Love to all and of course take care...

Mutterings of a contemplating mind.

Well I finally went and did it. After a few years of struggling and doing it in little drips and drabs I finally finished my book. It's funny how I have that same odd sense I had 9 months ago after surgery of there being no climax where I expected one. Life did not change much after surgery, there were no fireworks, nothing out of the ordinary other than pain and a quieting of "the voices." It is such with the book, I have been working so hard on it driven by some unseen force almost to get my story out, like I was supposed to do it to help someone. Now that I'm done I see I have indeed helped someone, myself. Putting down my emotions, my close calls with death and tragedy and going back to revisit them, even though they are painfull at times, is good for my mental well being. I have survived much and am still here, I can look back on what I've done and gain strength from lessons learned and continue to do more. I can hopefully take some of my knowledge and help those who will surely come on this journey after.

This was no fun trip, it is nothing to be celebrated or to take much joy in. Other than the fact I was able to get through it somehow with the help of love and friendship. Much has been lost and will never be the same, but much has been learned at the same time. While I don't wish this trip on anyone I know that there are more out there like myself, and I'm sure some of them are alone and are wishing and praying for help. I can't open myself right now, maybe ever again to trying to save the world. I've been hurt too much by letting the wrong people in too close. Maybe my way of helping others is the book? But I risk everything in publishing it, I value my privacy believe it or not. I merely want to be known as Ashley the person, not the tranny. I am not ashamed of being a tranny mind you, it's just when you say that you are to the general public they get this picture of you that is not kind. I know it sounds cowardly, and how are people's minds going to change if they don't see us trannies who aren't like the ones they see on Springer or sitcoms? I don't have the balls to be an activist though (trust me they're in some medical testing lab right now) I don't want to be in the spotlight, hell I don't even want to be on the stage. Yet there is some sense of duty, or some force driving me that way. What if Christine Jorgenson never took the courage to tell the world what she had done? What if Harry Benjamin just told the trannies they were nuts instead of having the courage to try and help them? I know I'm no where near as significant as these two go in the realm of T'ville, but then comes the another question. What if Jan Morris hadn't published her book, or Calpernia hers? What would my path had been if I had not had these books intersect my life at times when I had given up hope and was ready to throw it all away? What if I had not been saved by these words of comfort by other people? Maybe there is another in the same boat waiting for my story to enter their life at the right time, maybe they are the next big thing to help our community down the road, and they themselves need a little help right now. I'm not trying to recruit people into this, just merely let them know there are others feeling what they've felt, a comfort to bring them back from thinking it's better to kill oneself than to be a tranny.

You see it has occurred to me that we are all connected and not just in our community. Each of us touches others around us in ways we don't even know. Each of us has a job to do to either leave this world a little better place, or a worse one if we don't care. I still haven't figured out my job yet, maybe I already did it and I'm just supposed to coast through life, maybe I failed and it's too late. It's funny not knowing what your job in the world is, you keep looking for it not knowing if you've done it, or if the it's you've already done were the right or wrong ones. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, we'll see how my 2 test readers react to the book and go from there. I've written the thing, it was helpfull to me in doing it, so at the very worse I saved some money on therapy.

After writing so many pages of my own thoughts and words I felt it was time to read someone elses, so I read the 5th book in the Harry Potter series "Order of the Phoenix." It was very good for a kids book, I'd see all 4 movies leading up to this book, but never read the books. I was glad I decided to try one out, I found myself totally imersed in it, and with my addictive personality read it front to back Starting Sat afternoon and finishing it off at 3am this morning. I would have liked to read it faster but I had to work all the days I was reading and was only to do my reading before and after work along with my lunch hour. I don't know what kind of spell Rowling put on that book, but for me to read 870 pages in that short amount of time impresses me. She is truly a gifted writer, or knows how to cast a real spell herself on her readers. Anyway it was cleansing for my mind to be imersed in a world of muggles and wizards, murder and magic. I also have a new kinship with Harry. There is this reluctant way to him that he didn't ask for all this to happen to him, but for some reason it was just destined to be. He wants nothing more than to be normal, to not be so special. He feels like he is from another race altogether from his clasmates and such, and knows that no matter what he does his path is nothing he can change. This is exactly as I feel. I wish so often I could have just been normal like everyone else, but for some reason I was chosen for this path. Maybe next life I could be chosen for a path of being a hot blonde who wins the lottery a couple times and never gets fat no matter what she eats, that would be a nice path indeed.

I'll let you know what I decide to do on the book if I do decide to publish it, I'm sure I'm going to have to do allot of reaching out to get the word out there, don't want to miss that person that might just need it..... Super Ashley, UP, UP AND AWAY!!..... (just kidding)

Love to all and of course take care...

Just checking in...

Not much going on lately, been working, playing softball, working on the house and when I can I spend a little time working on the book as well. I'm almost done, I'm actually almost up to 2 years ago in the computer, and 1 year ago on paper. At one point I had actually finished the entire part of putting in on paper, but then my dreams had to come true, I had to get my surgery and totally changed the last chapter of the book which I had finished in fall of 2005.

For the most part work has been uneventfully busy. We've been down a person or two in my department so I've been too busy to get into any trouble. I'm still missing one of my best friends at work who left us awhile back. She got her job in the therapist field and hasn't looked back yet. I'm so glad for her, yet so sad that I don't get to have stimulating conversations on level we had. Hopefully I'll get to see her soon outside of work. We keep trying to connect to go blading but it never works out. Speaking of blading I did a 10 mile trex a few weeks back and it felt good. I'm thinking I'd like to try and work my way up to doing a 26.5 mile excursion by the end of summer, but first need to do something to my skates so I don't blister as bad after doing so. I've been working my way up from 4 to 6 and now 10 miles so I don't see why 26.5 should be a problem. It's merely a number, a number that is the distance of a marathon, but still just a number. I got such a high from doing 10 that I'm looking forward to see what I get after doing more mileage, I'll keep you up to date.

As for softball, it was as I expected, I'm an average player. Ok I'm a little bit better than average defensively, it's my past experience as a hockey goalie. I tend to suck up everything hit my way, I just need to work on my throwing. At the plate, I hit average, maybe less than. I don't have a big muscular body, never did, so I can't hit for power. I just try to hit the ball towards where they aren't and then run like hell. So far I'm 2 for 5 or .400 with an on base percentage of .600 and 3 RBIs. Nothing stellar, it's just slow pitch softball after all. Last game I pulled my groin pretty bad but expect to be playing soon. Court got hurt worse and I had to take her to the er over at Middlesex to be looked at. It sounded like the start of a bad joke, 3 trannies walk into Middlesex hospital..... Haven't figured out the punchline yet on that one though. She's ok but will take more time to heal. We are both enjoying playing though. To me it's another rite of passage, playing women's sports. There's something about sports I've always loved, I think it's the thought of a group of individuals working towards a common goal that I love. These girls may or may not know about me but they treat me as one of their own, which after all is all I ever wanted in life, to be "normal" and fit in. There is something so lesbian though about softball. You pick up this phallic looking bat, which is kept before the game in a bag with other bats, like they're some kind of harvest ripped from the groins of the male oppressors. You then take the aforementioned bats and try like hell to smack a ball that has all these stitches over it to hold it together in some gruesome Frankenstein way. It's like along with the phallus they took the teste's, stitched them together and decided to show the men what should be done with their equipment. Odd analogy but it really fits considering most of the gals playing would love to do such a thing. Or maybe it's the pain meds I've been taking for the groin pull.

Oh well going to try and get some stuff done on my day off, maybe write some more of the book. Until next time be good.

Love to all and of course take care.

Funny little moments...

Life has been ok lately, not too good, not too bad, just sort of in cruise control which is good. I've been spending most of my time moving me and mom to the upstairs apartment as of late, which has been quite a chore, but has allowed me some artistic release in doing the necessary remodeling before our move. No rest for the wicked, but life is still sending me little funny moments.

The other day mom was helping me gather some of my "beauty" stuff to bring up and she saw my multipack of douce. She procedes to tell me that I "douce too much, your gonna get an infection." I was blown away, all the other mother/daughter douce conversations I'd seen(masengil commercials) had the mom in more of a supportive role, not condoning. I guess instead of a "mom I don't feel so fresh" moment it was a "hun your too fresh" moment. I briefly explained it was part of my after care due to the lube and dialation routine. These things never enter your mind when one transitions, I couldn't prepare for such a surreal moment if I wanted to, but man it was a nice little laugh.

Also thanks to my little brother, I found my youngest ex-step-brother on myspace. I had to know how things were going for him and my his brother. So I sent him a message asking. His reply "yeah it's me your ex-step brother, by the looks of things allot has changed in your world..." Understated but true, at least it wasn't an "f u u freak, stay away!" and his comment brought a smile to my face.

Other than that softball starts up soon, and I'm more than a bit nervous. Other than the ladies room it's my first trex into girls only space. I feel a little guilty like I have some sort of advantage, but then I remember I sucked at men's softball, so it's not like I'm a ringer or anything. I'm a somewhat skinny approaching middle aged woman who luckily is built more like gal than a guy, always have been, maybe that's why I sucked so bad before. Anyway I'm gonna tred lightly and hope I fit in. It could be a very good time and learning experience. It amazes me how in my late mid thirties I'm getting to experience the things I feel I was denied in my youth. Being part of a team was so important to me in the old male days, now I get to see the female side of sports. I only can hope the gals except me and the big scary dykes don't try to pick me up.

Love to all and until next time take care.

Reflecting....

Been spending allot of time reflecting on things as of late, mostly how the more things change the more they stay the same. My sister is at it again, she called me the other day to tell me I was not invited to my niece's christening. She says she's just not adjusted yet and I need to give her more time. I told her it's been over 3 years now and there comes a time where either you accept things or you don't. I just am not sure what I'm going to do about her, I've been patient and I understand this is a hard thing to accept I just wish she could be as brutally honest with herself as she seems to be with me. She needs to look inside and decide how to deal with things, I can't do it for her.

I've also gone back and edited all the chapters of my book I've input into the computer and printed it out. All I have to do now is take the other chapters I have on paper and put them in as well. I need to finish it for some reason even if I never publish. It has been a good way to vent, to see how far I've come, to be able to look back and see how much I've accomplished, how much I have learned and most importantly how much I am loved. It's an odd and narcasitic exercise I know, but it is I feel a necessary one none the less.

Also I finally decided to read a book I bought for Co years ago, "She's not there" by Jenny Boylan. I had put it off because Co had told me that the story mirrored our own so much. There were so many things she saw in Jenny that she also saw in me. So much she saw in Jenny's wife Grace that she saw in herself. I didn't want to corrupt my own writing by reading something so simular. I haven't been able to put it down. There are so many simularites between us, yet there are of course differences to say the least. I am not now or do I ever think I will be a famous author who knows fabulous people and goes to exotic locations. I'm blue collar only somewhat college educated and don't have a single famous friend. I do however feel a kinship to her as I do with so many in our tribe. I think it's great that there are others like myself and Court that have done this even though we have small children. I also feel so much pain for the spouses of those like us. What pain and turmoil they must go through. To have something ripped away from you like that, wondering if it was you that caused it. Having to cheer on someone you love take from you everything you held dear while you are left alone and unsure.

I do wish things could have been different not only for Co and I but for the Courtneys, the Jennys and Graces of the world as well. Yet in saying that I know that deep down in all the turmoil, pain and suffering all involved go through. I can't think of a life without all the lessons I've learned. I can't think of a life without Co and my children. I don't want to imagine not knowing what I know of love, of what it means to be yourself to take a chance and follow your dreams. I am a stronger person for this much in the way one strengthens steel. Through the process of fire and cold I have become the second strongest person I know, I've had the pleasure of being married to the strongest one. I don't know what the future has in store for us, all I know is I hope and pray every day that we do it together. Soon we will have to make a decision on whether or not we persue divorce or try to make this new thing work. Whatever we decide I'm sure we will do it together and support each other as we always have.

Anyway enough blabbering for today I have to go back and read some more and get ready for work tonight. I got stuck closing so it's going to be a long day.

Love to all and of course take care.

Well It's been awhile since I've written and thought it was time to catch up. Lifes been in sort of cruise control as of late. Been working only the one job so I feel a bit lazy of late. But overall work is good. In fact I came out of sorts to a girl at work who is a close friend and is getting her masters in psychology. I don't know exactly how we got on the subject but one day it turned to the difference between transexuals and crossdressers. Now this is a touchy subject for me I never really considered myself a crossdresser in the classical way if there is such a thing. I belive there are 2 types of cd's those who do it to get their jollies and the latter like myself who do it in a quest to figure out if they really want to transition. Anyway I started talking about people I knew who were both and shared a little too much knowledge I guess. Anyway she is very cool with it, and was amazed that I have been able to adapt so well. As luck would have it she is also doing a big project on the subject for school and has borrowed some books and been asking allot of questions on the subject, not too much personally, just about the whole thing and process.

I don't know why I chose to come clean with her, maybe I just needed someone to know my pain a little? Maybe it's because I know the current psychologist for GICNE is closing in on retirement and they need a new one? Who knows maybe she would be interested in treating people like me? We need more caregivers that is a given. So far it's been a little freeing, someone found out at work and really doesn't care, it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am concerned though about more people finding out at work, not so much for me, but because there is a guy at work that was and maybe still is interested in me. I don't want him to be hurt by being teased that he is interested in a tranny. He is a good friend and a really nice person, we went out a few times on a friendly basis, but I can tell there is some more feelings there on his end. I don't want to make his life more difficult so I've been keeping my distance to a point where we stay friends. Maybe someday the time will be right for me to tell him, right now he's been through allot just going through a tough divorce, and I'm not sure I'm wanting to go down the hetero relationship route. I still have feelings for Co, and I still find women very attractive so I'm not getting into anything with anyone right now. If I were to sleep with anyone I'd have to tell them, so right now there's no reason to say anything.

Otherwise I'm trying to figure out my next step in life. I love my job hate my pay. I'm tired of being broke, but don't really want to go back into sales, that is except for my old love pet related sales. I'd love to be back hawking food or treats or something pet related, right now though theres not much out there in that field. I'd love to still be doing my old job, but the chances of that happening are about the same of mr happy growing back. I'm thinking about going back to school, but not sure what I want to do. I need time to figure it out. At the same time I'm trying to figure out the personal side of my life. I hate being alone but don't know if it's time to just move on from things of old and onto new possibilites. It's an odd place right now, I've acheived my dream, gone through the fire and made it out the other side, a little crispy but still alive. A part of me never thought I'd make it this far, but I always kept hope alive, I just never put too much thought about what to do after. I've got lots to think about, but I'm sure what ever I do I will find new joys around every corner.

I've wanted to share this song for awhile, and now seems as good time as any. Like I said I'm trying to figure shit out after acheiving my goals, and this song is about that along with being a bit lonely. I guess it just doesn't effect those of us unlucky enough to be trans, even hairy chested pop rock stars get the blues too. Enjoy


I Am ... I Said
Neil Diamond

LA's fine, sunshine most of the time
The feeling islaid back
Palm trees grow and the rents are low
Butyou know I keep thinking about
Making my way back
Well, I'm New York City born and raised
Butnowadays, I'm lost between two shores
LA's fine,but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one
But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I've never cared for the sound of being alone
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
I am, I saidI am,
I criedI am...

Love to all and of course take care.

Hello darkness my old friend...

Things are mostly ok, but I've been pretty down as of late. Not sure if it's my Seasonal Affect Disorder, or maybe my hormones are just out of whack. Whatever it is life is not really all that fun right now. I'm sure like most things in my life this too shall pass. At least I hope so.

No matter what after being through so much turmoil and learning what I've learned the only way to get through the rough times is to sit back and ride the wave to shore. No need in fighting it, just hang on and learn along the way. I hope the landing is kind to me. Until then I'm just gonna sit back and get through these rough times that come with any life....

Sound of silence
Simon & Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Love to all and of course take care.

Life...

Alas, I find it more and more difficult to write here anymore. This blog was my way of venting as I went through my big transition, mostly tg/ts issues(i don't like either term they both bring venom out of some people).

But as I stand on the other side of the looking glass I see that all life is about transition, yes some people like me go through a little more than most, but everyone has to deal with change in their life. And for me it was a hard change. I find it harder and harder to write about things now, I'm trying to live what I can of a normal life, I am so much more than any one label can give justice too. Yes I am tg/ts(I hear teeth gnashing) and I always will be, but I like to think of it as "What I am is what I am." I pretend to be nothing, I am me, the good the bad and the ugly. If I concentrate on any aspect too much I am destined to be stuck in a rut, limiting myself by giving myself an excuse for pre-failure.

I have been blessed in many ways, and cursed in many as well. I am lucky though in the fact I blend for the most part. I'm not 6'5" with linebacker shoulders, I have enough wits about me to get by and haven't been too emotionally scared that I can't function or have the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol, yes I am indeed lucky. But I still have my issues, we all do.

For now life is good, I have challenges and battles I still need to wage, but overall the storm seems to subsiding(idiot, now watch it rise up again.) This place will always be a part of my life, but it will be a somewhat smaller part of my life.

I'm keeping the page up for when I need to check in or occasionally vent when life kicks me down, but I won't be posting like I did in the past. Heck I haven't posted in almost a month. I needed and still need this outlet, but as life slowly starts to heal what it can of my wounds I'll most likely be here less and less. Life has been a beautiful thing so far, chaotic and hard, but looking back it all seemed to work somehow, someway. I hope it will continue to amaze me with it's artful dance of surprise, lessons, experiences and most importantly growth.

I'll keep updating from time to time, but for now it's time to hit the cruise and enjoy life for however long the lull in the tempest lasts.

Love to all, and of course take care.