Work has been a little tough the last couple of days. Such is life in the life of retail. It's no big deal, but work has been such a good thing up until the last couple of days. Work was the thing that kept the other bad vibes away. With the good vibes at work gone, the other crap is starting to get to me.
I hate being alone, I hate the fact that if most people knew my real story they'd throw me away like a cheap suit. I hate the fact that I had to take this journey, I didn't sign up for it, but alas I ended up here. I hate the fact that it will be difficult for me to ever find someone who will love me for what I truly am. I hate the fact that I had to give up the one job I loved and was made to do.
Alas, I am better today than I was a year ago, and happier than I was in my old life despite my current malaise. For all my troubles I'm going through right now, I am able to take joy that I am me. No more having to covet what I couldn't be, no more 1/4lb of flesh dangling nastily between my legs.
I may be a bit miserable right now, but I'm comfortably miserable knowing what I've overcome, and what I can acheive when I get my energy back.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
It was a dark and stormy night...
Yeah that is how all of snoopy's books began, along with lots of other failed authors. But 4 years ago today it was a dark and stormy night in more ways than one. It was the night I told Co she would be losing a husband. At the same time one of the worse icestorms we ever saw was raging outside.
I cannot explain fully the tremendous guilt I still feel and probably always will. What makes it so hard is I that I loved her and still do. If I didn't care I guess it wouldn't hurt so much.
Anyway one must learn to get over things and grow from pain. But at least for today I'm gonna wallow a bit.
Enjoy the song below, thought it was about time for one.
Moon over Bourbon Street
by Sting
There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight
How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
Sorry Co for destroying what we had, hope what we are building from the ashes is even better than what we shared before.
Love to all and of course take care.
I cannot explain fully the tremendous guilt I still feel and probably always will. What makes it so hard is I that I loved her and still do. If I didn't care I guess it wouldn't hurt so much.
Anyway one must learn to get over things and grow from pain. But at least for today I'm gonna wallow a bit.
Enjoy the song below, thought it was about time for one.
Moon over Bourbon Street
by Sting
There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all
I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon
The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight
How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love
Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street
Sorry Co for destroying what we had, hope what we are building from the ashes is even better than what we shared before.
Love to all and of course take care.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
It's a girl...
Yesterday I became an auntie. My little sister brought a little girl into this world, my new little niece. I haven't gone to see them yet, honestly I'm a little conflicted about going to see them. My sister has not hidden her distaste for what I've done in my life, and I have a feeling my little niece will not be around me too much. My sister hasn't told her inlaws about me yet, so I doubt that I'll be invited to things like my niece's christening, or birthdays, etc.
It's hard to be the crazy aunt that gets left out of things. It's not like I've done a horrible thing, it's just I'm embarrassing to my sister. This has been a recurring theme the last 3 years with her. I love her to death, she's my sister no matter what, unfortunately this love doesn't seem to be shared. I may try to go see them today at the hospital, but I'm not sure yet.
On another note one of my friends is undergoing female conversion surgery as I write this w/ Dr. Reed. I'm hoping every thing goes alright for her, and she has no issues. It is a tough surgery and it's a hard recovery.
It amazes me how we are all driven to do something so wrouht with danger and hardship just to be ourselves. Looking back on my own struggle I put myself through physical and emotional hell just to be complete. I recovered from major surgery in a hotel room, and not a real clean hotel room, I had friends pull out my stitches, I even pushed myself to go back to a shitty job early just so I could be me. Not only that I put up with that same job and it's unhealthy conditions just to reach my goal. I tried to make the impossible work and made so much happen. I wish I hadn't experienced some of the pain, but I made it through it anyway. It's amazing to me looking back that I was able to accomplish what I did with everything going on. But also I know that without the bad along with the good I wouldn't be where I am today.
Maybe I can use some of that resolve and turn my sister around and get to be involved in my new niece's life. Maybe she will grow to be an open minded child by knowing me and not be judgemental of people just trying to be true to who and what they are. One can only hope, that is why we as a species put so much time and energy into our children. They are where we put our hopes of making the world right tomorrow where it is wrong today.
Love to all and of course take care.
It's hard to be the crazy aunt that gets left out of things. It's not like I've done a horrible thing, it's just I'm embarrassing to my sister. This has been a recurring theme the last 3 years with her. I love her to death, she's my sister no matter what, unfortunately this love doesn't seem to be shared. I may try to go see them today at the hospital, but I'm not sure yet.
On another note one of my friends is undergoing female conversion surgery as I write this w/ Dr. Reed. I'm hoping every thing goes alright for her, and she has no issues. It is a tough surgery and it's a hard recovery.
It amazes me how we are all driven to do something so wrouht with danger and hardship just to be ourselves. Looking back on my own struggle I put myself through physical and emotional hell just to be complete. I recovered from major surgery in a hotel room, and not a real clean hotel room, I had friends pull out my stitches, I even pushed myself to go back to a shitty job early just so I could be me. Not only that I put up with that same job and it's unhealthy conditions just to reach my goal. I tried to make the impossible work and made so much happen. I wish I hadn't experienced some of the pain, but I made it through it anyway. It's amazing to me looking back that I was able to accomplish what I did with everything going on. But also I know that without the bad along with the good I wouldn't be where I am today.
Maybe I can use some of that resolve and turn my sister around and get to be involved in my new niece's life. Maybe she will grow to be an open minded child by knowing me and not be judgemental of people just trying to be true to who and what they are. One can only hope, that is why we as a species put so much time and energy into our children. They are where we put our hopes of making the world right tomorrow where it is wrong today.
Love to all and of course take care.
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