Ok that's quite a lot in one title, but I haven't had a chance to write lately and I wanted to cover everything I haven't had the time to say. Overall life has been good and busy with the new position and all. I've been through so much training lately I haven't had much time or energy for writing anything here, but felt it was time to get some out, so here it goes.
On being a Jeffersonian transsexual...
Last week it was presidents day, not a day that really is too much of a holiday in my book. We really haven't had any really good presidents lately, and honestly how much can we truly say we know about how good the ones we are taught were so great really were, I mean many of the founding fathers were drunk and owned slaves for God's sake, not really pillars in today's world, but times are changing all the time I guess and history has a way of just trying to remember the good things. Barbra Streisand said it best in her song "The way we were" "What's to painful to remember we simply chose to forget..." Anyhow this blog isn't about the lyrics of bab's or all the past presidents and the good and bad about them it's basically my new found attitude on my life and how to deal with people like one of our past presidents did.
Ok I'm sure we all the know the story, Thomas Jefferson who was one of our founding fathers and a past president had somewhat of a liking for some "chocolate love" had an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, and had several children from this relationship, allegedly that is. What I didn't know that when all this was going on he had a great way of dealing with it, he just didn't talk about it. He didn't lie and state that he "didn't have relations with that women, ms. Hemings." He didn't sit there and blame the opposition, or the liberal media, he just chose to ignore it. By not paying it any attention he was not giving anyone the satisfaction of proving anything he said to be false or otherwise. Such is my new stand on things at work. I know there are rumours and rumblings around my workplace about me, you know what, who cares? At one point I used to get so worked up on having back stories, and half truths prepared for almost any question or moment, but you know, why should I have to sit there and tell stories? My new response to any of it will be something along the lines of how people have nothing better to do than spread gossip about people they are jealous of and leave it at that. No back stories, no denial, no giving people the satisfaction of getting to me. Thanks Mr. Jefferson for your example of how to piss off those who seek to pry into things that are not their business.
Ghosts and Time Travel
Ok I know odd subject but what the hell these are odd times. I just finished reading Jenny Boylan's latest book "I'm looking through you" and found it to be quite good. It was a quick read I started it on Sunday and finished on Thursday, but I'm a quicker than average reader if the author grabs me the right way, and she does. The book deals with her growing up in a "haunted house" where she sees some really crazy things, but more important than the ghosts she deals with in her youth are the ghosts she deals with in her adult life. We all have ghosts of our past in our life, not ghosts in a Casper kind of way, but more in a way on how people move in and out of our life, and even our past selves are sometimes a ghost to us. Now of course add being trans to the mix and things get amped up a bit to say the least. We seem to end up with more ghosts than most people. Even the people I still deal with from BT(before transition) are different than they were before. I can't blame them, I mean this person they cared for that they thought they knew so much about threw them for a loop and changed something very fundamental about them. This person went through all this pain and turmoil and in most cases didn't confide in them what was going on for all that time. Yeah I can see why people change.
It's hard at times dealing with our past in this journey all the BS we went through led us to where we are today, we can't just discard it. Many times though there is so much pain in our past lives we try not to hearken back to those days. It also makes us remember the people in our lives that we have lost on this journey of becoming true to ourselves. Jenny "lost" her sister in the same way I did. Both our sisters said the same things about how "it would be better if you had died." My sister even went as far as telling me I "killed her brother" wow a tranny and a killer, I should be getting that call from Springer any day now. Anyway I felt an even stronger kinship with Ms. Boylan after reading her book, in a way the two of us seem very alike, except she can write and I'm a hack, but what can you do.
In the book she went into this discussion she had with a fellow on time travel and how this guy would like to go back in the past and leave letters for his younger self warning him about certain events, and his sister to prevent her murder. I started thinking about if there were a time that I would go back to and leave a letter and what it would say. But the more I thought about it, there is not much I could change that would make things any better. I could go back and tell myself to get the breast implants when I had the money, that SRS would be a few years off, but who knows, that could have set something off in Co and I wouldn't be able to see the kids, so how would that have improved things? No as much hurt as I've been through, things are good the way they are. I think the one thing I would go back and do is go back to right after I had my little break down, give myself a big hug while I was asleep and whisper in my ear how everything was going to be alright. Who knows maybe I already did, because for some reason,other than a few moments there on the bottom of the abyss, I somehow knew deep down that it would be ok. Just like Jenny figured one of the ghosts she saw in her youth was merely and older her.
Oddly enough continuing on the subject of time travel and breakdowns, last nights episode of Lost also dealt with a time rift. One of the main characters goes through this weird storm which contains a time rift and he is stuck bouncing back and forth between the present and 8 years ago. He was going nuts, when he came back to present he had no knowledge of the events of the last 8 years and thought it was still 2000. It got me thinking, I do that a lot since I have no social life, on what it would be like to have that happen. September 11th wouldn't have happened yet, I had just the one kid on the way at the time, I was balding, and oh yeah had a penis. What a freak-out that would be, one minute it's there, then poof it's gone,in, out, in,out. I don't think I could survive such a rift going back and forth 8 years. Even half of that would be tough. Four years ago I was just starting transition, I was just getting used to my new skin, my new freedom, finding my place in the world. It was all so new to me, I was in a little rift of my own,stuck between the worlds of being male and being female all while being truly neither. I don't want to go off in yet another tangent now, but trust me growing up with a female brain and penis is not growing up either male or female, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a different thing, and if I piss you off by saying it take a long hard night to think it over and email me,just comment me to email you and I'll email you back. I was struggling and unknowingly heading fast for a bad fall into a dark abyss. I'm in a better place now, I like this skin I'm in, it feels good to be me. The me I am has changed a lot in 4 years, and I'm sure it will continue to change. I bet I can look back 4 years from now and think how much life has changed. At least I hope too, life would be pretty boring without change. I just hope I don't hit any time rifts anytime soon, find any letters from my future self, or for that matter see any ghosts. Anyway to finish the story from Lost, he finally was able to break the time jumping when he spoke to the woman he loved in the present. It was the only constant for him between the two times, I hope that I too have constants in my life far into the future that are here now that I love.
If you read this whole long thing, thanks for listening to the babble, sorry for the tangents and the scatteredness.
Love to all and of course take care..
Friday, February 29, 2008
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