Power Reading...

Ok I admit it I AM A GEEK, at least when it comes to stuff like scifi or reading, especially the Harry Potter books. I usually just stick my nose in them and read them till my eyes just want to pop out of my head or I finish, whichever comes first. Sunday during my lunch I finally went out and bought the Deathly Hallows the last book in the series. I wanted to go out and buy it right away when it came out, but for some reason a little voice said "no wait, it will still be there." So I waited until Sunday. I read for a few hours that night, another 3 or so before work yesterday, another 5 hours last night and finally finished it today with a little less than 2 hours of reading. After finishing it I was satisfied yet sad that there would be no more adventures to read about involving them, and looked for the litterary lessons held within. I believe that all good stories have more to the story than just what is written on the pages, there is so much more between the lines of a good work, many things that you can learn about yourself.

Rowlings books to me have held many simularities to WWII Europe and the struggle of good vs evil and the whole race of superiority. The death eaters are Voldermort's SS of sorts, instead of a swatstika they have the dark mark, and of course both leaders of evil are mad. She also though seemed to touch a little in the last two books on the whole climate in the US after 9/11. How society was frightened by horrible actions and all the government seemed to do is offer silly new laws that were to protect us, by taking away some of our freedoms. Don't get me wrong, I love our country and I believe full heartedly that we had no choice but to chase down the Taliban in Afganistan after those events. I support our troops, I have several relatives serving over there right now. I just never understood the whole Iraq thing. They had nothing to do with 9/11 yet they used the fevor caused by it to justify going in. And now I hate to say we can't just leave, we've got a big mess to clean up, one we created. Anyway way off tangent there, but I don't want to be seen as just being anti-Bush, anti-US, anti-war. War is unfortunately a necessary thing sometimes to fight off evil, it just gets hard sometimes figuring out which side is good and which side is evil. I think the whole feel of the last two books is kind of like what we are feeling in the western world today. So much pain and fear abound for our troops, and our own saftey as monsters are now targeting civilans. I only wish there were some of the good magic in the books around in our world, it might be a better place.

I found it funny after talking to Co that I finished the book on Harry's birthday, see maybe that little voice belonged to Professor Trelawney, figuring if I bought it on the 29th I'd finish on the 31st.(see I told you I was a geek) Whatever the reason it was a good journey and a coincidental ending of my reading enjoyment.

Spoiler Alert-

Beware to those who the ending don't want to know,

of the words that lie below.

Ok I just had to put some of the details about what happens in the book are you ready.
Harry turns 17, him and his best buds head out on a journey to complete the job given to him by Dumbeldore, bad guys die, good guys die, death everywhere, questions are answered and of course a final showdown the end.

You really thought I was going to take all the enjoyment out of it. Read it yourself you lazy muggle.

Not since 9/11...

I cannot fully explain the pain, sorrow and shock that are in my heart right now as I try to process the horrible story about a great man and his family. Yesterday 2 monsters that are wastes of flesh and bone showed just how evil a human can be to another. My poor Dr, a man I admire and quite plainly believe to be the nicest Dr. I've even had the pleasure of being a patient of, lost his family to the horrible acts of two evil individuals. They broke into his bouse, beat him about the head(I have a friend who has connections with the local pd that actually told me they tortured him throughout the night), sexually assaulted his family, stole their money, and set the house on fire leaving them all for dead. Unfortunately my Dr was the only one to make it out alive.

I can't imagine the pain he must be enduring right now. If I lost my family I would be broken inside. I can't say for sure, and hopefully will never have to endure such pain, but I think I'd go out buy a gun and shoot the mf's up. I can't try to understand the mix of sorrow, pain and anger he must be feeling right now.

It is such a terrible act no matter who it happened to, but this man is so kind. He was the one who was the gatekeeper for me getting on hormones. He was the one who made it possible for me to be the woman I am today. He was always patient and would go out of his way to discuss things with you. Several times I would bring to him questions about my meds and dosages and if we could try different things and he would take the time to go over the plus's and minus's of them. Even when I went in for my last appointment, which was with his nurse, he took the time to come see me before I left because he knew it was my first visit after my surgery. He spent over 10 minutes just talking to me about things and making sure I was ok, along with getting my report on my surgeon so they could reccomend him if someone was looking for a different surgeon.

I haven't felt this way since that fateful day when the towers fell and we found out we weren't as safe as we thought we were. Today I went around in the same daze I felt in the days following those tragic events and pondered what I wanted out of life, and tried to figure out what path I needed to take. Today there are no new paths to take, my mental well being is so much better than it was back then as I have found comfort in my own skin. I have a heavy heart though as I mourn for a man and his family that helped me find this comfort. I do need to do something I just haven't figured out what yet. Maybe it's time to make a bigger push to get a team to walk for diabeties for the fall walk and name the team in the family's honor? I don't know, but I do know the best way to defeat evil is with kindness, I just don't know if there is enough kindness to ever combat such evil.

Love to all and of course take care....

Dealing with fear...

Mom and I finally went and visited my ill aunt in the nursing home the other day. I had tried to go previously by myself, but found myself unable to muster up the courage to do so. I don't know if it was visiting someone who was dieing when I still have my own guilt issues for surviving something that should have left me dead. Or maybe having to explain the whole trans thing to someone on their deathbead. I am not ashamed of what I am, but I do feel it's not right to burden someone who is dealing with the issues of their life ending with having to deal with the fact I was not what they thought me to be, and to figure out their own feelings. It should be their time to deal with wrapping up anything in their own life, not a time to deal with new issues.

Any way I stopped be a big pussy and I went with mom to see them. Unfortunately my aunt was out of it due to the morphine they were giving her and I didn't get a chance to talk to her at all. She seemed to be struggling to breath so much, even with the assistance of a forced ventilator and the oxygen. I thought she was going to pass when we were there. Speaking of looks, my uncle has such a look of fear when he looked at me. He couldn't make eye contact, speak to me, or even come close to me. He looked like if I got too close he might catch what I had. I understand he was dealing with the fact his wife was lying there about to die and he was seeing her struggling as I was, but I still can't get that look out of my head. My uncle was a military man, a real tough guy and not afraid of much, but the look in his eyes when he looked at me, he looked like a little kid who just saw the boogey monster. I still don't know if the fear was directed at me, or for her passing, maybe both.

Unfortunately Saturday morning she passed away, actually with the amount of pain she appeared to be in, well she's comfortable now. My uncle, dad and stepmom were there with her, so she did not die alone, which is comforting to me. Being alone when I die is one of my biggest fears. Anyway arrangements have been made and this week the funeral and wake will be held. Now I find myself afraid yet again. I'm not sure how the other realtives on my dad's side that don't know about me are going to react. I don't want to be a distraction from an event that should be celebrating a great woman and her life. I don't want to see fear in other people's eyes when they meet me. Passing amongst the general population is cake most the time, dealing with your family is hell. I don't want to be he'd or Scott'd, I don't want to sit there and answer questions, deal with stares and condisending eyes. Yet I do want to say goodbye to an aunt I loved dearly. She was a person who taught me about music and cookies, oh how she loved to bake. She and my uncle taught me about perserverance as they tried so hard to have a kid and eventually did. She was such a pleasant person to be around and had a habbit of lighting up a room when she entered it. I'm sure if she were able to talk to me about my transtion I have a feeling she would have had something nice to say about it, she might not have understood why I did what I did, but she would have had some sort of support for me. I will have to decide how to handle the family events coming up.

Dealing with her illness, my dad not telling them until this time and seeing my uncle has sparked a poem. I haven't written in so long and I needed to get my feelings about fear out in the open. We all have our own fears, and a big one of mine is my family at times, and their own feelings over my own. It will take some time to beat this fear, but I am sure once I do there will be yet another fear to conquer, there always is. This life is about learning, and the best way to learn about our fears is by beating them. Enjoy.

FEAR

A nasty little four letter word
Hell-bent on letting you lock yourself away
In a prison of your own making.
It’s that little voice that makes you doubt
All you know you can do.
It’s a distraction
An excuse
A disease if you let it
That keeps us from being
All we can be
From doing all we can do
From living life to it’s fullest.

Fear is an illusion.
It makes us walk away from love
It’s what keeps us from asking questions
Learning new things
It’s that black nasty monster
That keeps us from meeting new people
Trying new things.

Fear makes people grow apart
Distant
It has us grow inward
Not outward.
It sends us backwards
Not forwards.
It holds us back in our own little zones of comfort
Which over time
Become
Smaller &
Smaller
It’s a premature death
That can leave us
Longing,
Alone,
Unable.

We alone can conquer it
So we can live our lives to their fullest
Experience all live has to offer
And die with few regrets.