I am going through changes right now, but we all are life is about change, some just change more than others. There's lots of things I don't like about myself other than the obvious that I would love to change. I'm getting to change some things I don't like about myself through surgery. Some through therapy, other stuff though hard work and determination. Of course some stuff I can never change and the only peace I can find will be through accepting that fact
.
As the third biggest change of my life (1. becoming a parent 2.living as a female) comes closer I'm begun to reflect heavily on my life past, present and future. It's been a long fight and in less than 7 weeks God willing I'm going to realize one of my biggest goals in life and need to get ready for life after it. Life's struggles don't end with surgery, nor does life. Life begins a new chapter after surgery nothing more nothing less. I hope the next chapter has a happier ending.
So here is a great song about change from a guy who most think had his own gender issues.
Changes
David Bowie
I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time
Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Ok this is getting wierd...
Firstly I wanted to put up a Tuesday Tune post yesterday but SBC Yahoo was and still is having trouble letting me sign in. Luckily I kept IE up seperately and can still get on. The other thing of course is not knowing what kind of song to put up.
Things have been so bi-polar lately. Monday I got a cryptive message from my surgeon stating what sounded like that I was not going to be able to get full srs due to my bloodwork results I faxed him. I was distraught and don't know how the hell I managed to stay at work for the additional 3 hours after getting the message. All I kept telling myself was if I went home all I woulddo is cry and I didn't get paid for crying.
On the other hand, my old team, the remants of the Whalers won the Stanely Cup. I cried when they hoisted it up. Listening to Chuck Kayton brodcasting the historic win over my x-m radio brought back so many memories from my youth and listening to him calling the games over my crackling transitor am radio. I spent so many years praying that they would win when they were in Hartford. The same way I'd pray for God to turn me into a little girl instead of having to be a boy.
It's odd to me that they won and I am getting my wish in a way too on being a girl, not only in the same year, but eight weeks apart. I don't know what the odds are, but I still am pondering if I am still in the psych ward and all this is my imagination. Maybe God is a little behind in answering prayers, a lifetime of ours in God's time is but a blink of God's eye afterall. Maybe things are happening so I can die happy and my time here is short. Or maybe shit is just falling together for me. I haven't had that happen in awhile, but I have had it happen. The best example is how Co and I met and hooked up, so I've had good things like this before.
Oh crap I forgot to finish on the Dr front, it was just a poor message and when I called him he told me he wants me to go on some suppliments to bring up certain components of my blood. I'm still on track with him, now if only I could get those dialators I ordered back in April. 4 emails, 3 phone calls,$175us,1 promise from her to resend them but no dialators yet. It may end up being a $400+ swing if they don't come, and if that happpens I won't be happy.
Love to all , and take care.
Things have been so bi-polar lately. Monday I got a cryptive message from my surgeon stating what sounded like that I was not going to be able to get full srs due to my bloodwork results I faxed him. I was distraught and don't know how the hell I managed to stay at work for the additional 3 hours after getting the message. All I kept telling myself was if I went home all I woulddo is cry and I didn't get paid for crying.
On the other hand, my old team, the remants of the Whalers won the Stanely Cup. I cried when they hoisted it up. Listening to Chuck Kayton brodcasting the historic win over my x-m radio brought back so many memories from my youth and listening to him calling the games over my crackling transitor am radio. I spent so many years praying that they would win when they were in Hartford. The same way I'd pray for God to turn me into a little girl instead of having to be a boy.
It's odd to me that they won and I am getting my wish in a way too on being a girl, not only in the same year, but eight weeks apart. I don't know what the odds are, but I still am pondering if I am still in the psych ward and all this is my imagination. Maybe God is a little behind in answering prayers, a lifetime of ours in God's time is but a blink of God's eye afterall. Maybe things are happening so I can die happy and my time here is short. Or maybe shit is just falling together for me. I haven't had that happen in awhile, but I have had it happen. The best example is how Co and I met and hooked up, so I've had good things like this before.
Oh crap I forgot to finish on the Dr front, it was just a poor message and when I called him he told me he wants me to go on some suppliments to bring up certain components of my blood. I'm still on track with him, now if only I could get those dialators I ordered back in April. 4 emails, 3 phone calls,$175us,1 promise from her to resend them but no dialators yet. It may end up being a $400+ swing if they don't come, and if that happpens I won't be happy.
Love to all , and take care.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Eyeing a bad day...
Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind of day where you drop your favorite sunglasses in the toilet and you haven't flushed yet. I was so mad, I know it was my own pee but I couldn't justify sticking my hand in pee to get them. So I flushed hoping the glasses would stay up and I'd be able to soak them in something to clean them. Nope I had to go to a toilet with a great system that sucked right down. So I walked out with my head down and tried to move on with the day.
A few visits to my customers latter I'm on a park bench talking to a customer at the nursery he owns and as we are talking I catch his 60+ year old eyes focusing down my blouse. I couldn't believe it at first, this guy is my father's age and he's checking out my fucking boobs? Then I remembered the days when I was under the influence of T and the fact he can't help it. It's only been about 3 years since I started the hormones yet it seems like forever ago. I guess it's Kharmatic of sorts, I was always a cleavage man, now I get the other side, if only I had more cleavage.
It's going to take me awhile to get used to being an object to some men. I know it's part of being a woman, I just haven't been exposed to it lately. I usually pick it up pretty quick, especially certain people who wear their feelings on their face. The kind of people I need to play poker with and make some money. Anyway with summer here, my skirts going up, and tops of blouses going down I guess I can expect more of the same.
So I give you one of my favorite songs from a great artist. I call the Stalking Song, you all call it....
My eyes adored you
Frankie Vallie
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far away
Carried your books from school,
Playing make-believe you're married to me:
You were fifth grade, I was sixth
When we came to be
Walking home every day over Barnegat Bridge and Bay,
Till we grew into the me and you
Who went our separate ways
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
Headed for city lights,
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,
I worked my fingers to the bone,
Made myself a name.
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind,
Still I reminisce about the girI miss
And the love I left behind...
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
All my life I will remember how warm and tender
We were way back then
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget
You, my childhood friend
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
Love to all and of course take care....
A few visits to my customers latter I'm on a park bench talking to a customer at the nursery he owns and as we are talking I catch his 60+ year old eyes focusing down my blouse. I couldn't believe it at first, this guy is my father's age and he's checking out my fucking boobs? Then I remembered the days when I was under the influence of T and the fact he can't help it. It's only been about 3 years since I started the hormones yet it seems like forever ago. I guess it's Kharmatic of sorts, I was always a cleavage man, now I get the other side, if only I had more cleavage.
It's going to take me awhile to get used to being an object to some men. I know it's part of being a woman, I just haven't been exposed to it lately. I usually pick it up pretty quick, especially certain people who wear their feelings on their face. The kind of people I need to play poker with and make some money. Anyway with summer here, my skirts going up, and tops of blouses going down I guess I can expect more of the same.
So I give you one of my favorite songs from a great artist. I call the Stalking Song, you all call it....
My eyes adored you
Frankie Vallie
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far away
Carried your books from school,
Playing make-believe you're married to me:
You were fifth grade, I was sixth
When we came to be
Walking home every day over Barnegat Bridge and Bay,
Till we grew into the me and you
Who went our separate ways
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
Headed for city lights,
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,
I worked my fingers to the bone,
Made myself a name.
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind,
Still I reminisce about the girI miss
And the love I left behind...
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
All my life I will remember how warm and tender
We were way back then
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget
You, my childhood friend
My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far
Love to all and of course take care....
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Getting closer to fine...
I know I've been using my blog to vent anger lately. Believe me I've had little of that emotion, been too busy, but it seems anytime I was turning on the computer I was getting barraged from one of two sources. So since I had the keyboard and blog in front of me, I used it to express and release my anger. It got so bad though that I hated to even turn on the computer and go online for fear I'd just get angry again.
I've gone through some cleansing and told certain people how it is, and have cut myself off from the negative impact of our clashing energy forces and am trying to move on to bigger an better things. Hopefully these certain people will do what's best for both of us, keep their distance, keep their comments to themselves, and their noses out of my business. Only then can I truly move on and grow from the experience.
In the spirit of moving on I've looked hard for Zen-like moments and found a few temporary fixes in the simple pleasures of life. Then I heard this song and remembered that the more you look for innerpeace and the meaning of life the farther you are from it. It's only when you stop looking at things in black and white and stop believing that everything has to have purpose that you find what you were looking for. So thank you Indigo Girls for reminding me how to get closer to fine.
Closer to Fine
The Indigo Girls
I'm trying to tell you something about me life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
I also really believe that my surgery in 69 days (cool 69 dude) (sorry had to) is also only a step closer to fine. So many people go into surgery thinking it is the end all to ending their suffering. Surgery isn't such a magical thing, it merely takes care of one thing wrong in our lives. There are many other things for any human being to work on in their life never mind when they've struggled and fought against hated themselves for so long. I hope I can remember that as it gets closer and keep things in perspective. To be honest I'm just now starting to realize that things are real this time, and I am about to get surgery. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't scared of things going wrong, but I try not to dwell on the bad too much. All I can do is have faith, keep a positive attitude and keep working closer to fine.
Love to all and of course take care....
I've gone through some cleansing and told certain people how it is, and have cut myself off from the negative impact of our clashing energy forces and am trying to move on to bigger an better things. Hopefully these certain people will do what's best for both of us, keep their distance, keep their comments to themselves, and their noses out of my business. Only then can I truly move on and grow from the experience.
In the spirit of moving on I've looked hard for Zen-like moments and found a few temporary fixes in the simple pleasures of life. Then I heard this song and remembered that the more you look for innerpeace and the meaning of life the farther you are from it. It's only when you stop looking at things in black and white and stop believing that everything has to have purpose that you find what you were looking for. So thank you Indigo Girls for reminding me how to get closer to fine.
Closer to Fine
The Indigo Girls
I'm trying to tell you something about me life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.
I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
I also really believe that my surgery in 69 days (cool 69 dude) (sorry had to) is also only a step closer to fine. So many people go into surgery thinking it is the end all to ending their suffering. Surgery isn't such a magical thing, it merely takes care of one thing wrong in our lives. There are many other things for any human being to work on in their life never mind when they've struggled and fought against hated themselves for so long. I hope I can remember that as it gets closer and keep things in perspective. To be honest I'm just now starting to realize that things are real this time, and I am about to get surgery. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't scared of things going wrong, but I try not to dwell on the bad too much. All I can do is have faith, keep a positive attitude and keep working closer to fine.
Love to all and of course take care....
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