Feeling very blue today for a variety of reasons. Part of it is how I'm feeling lately that I'm going to be the last tranny standing (to pee). So many people around me are having this or that done lately. Me I've had nothing done ever except for my teeth. Now I know that's a good thing considering how I look, but I don't always feel that way. To me I'm still the same, unaltered in anyway. The only things that have changed about me is my name and my wardrobe. It's not from anything other than a lack of funds and my own moral standards.
I've struggled financially since my transition and wasn't in the best of shape in this realm to begin with. I've thought of legal but immoral to me ways to make $ to help things along. To me though it isn't worth losing my soul just to make my body match.
Right now though it's unlikely I'm going to be able to afford surgery in the next few years. That is unless I win the powerball, meet a sugar-daddy, or someone decides to give me one hell of a gift, without going down that dark road.
There is of course the book. Unfortunately though while i do think I have an interesting story and point of view, I highly doubt I will make nearly enough to cover surgery.
The other part of my blues is the further realization that things won't ever be the same in one of the most important parts of my life. I'd been hoping and praying I could keep the relationship going the way it used to be. I kept hoping that my devotion in staying faithful would leave a door open for fires to rekindle. I've passed on opportunities saving myself for what I hoped would be. Unfortunately it has become painfully apparent to me I was wrong. It is beyond hope and I need to take what I can out of the relationship and learn to enjoy what I get.
The question then becomes what next? I miss intimacy so. To just be lovingly touched, to be kissed deeply, to be made to feel really good about myself. Right now I feel like an outcast, nobody decent is willing to do these things I desire, or if they do they haven't asked. Of course some of it is my refusal to just fool around. I don't want to be somebody's plaything. I want to be more than a one night stand. I want to be loved for who and what I am. Unfortunately that is rare even for "normal" folks and I have allot more baggage than most of them.
I haven't even thought much about a plan if things worked out this way. I don't even know which side of the buffet table to check out. For now I think I'm just going to sit here at my table with my bread and water as I figure shit out. I need to place some closure on this part of my life no matter how much it hurts. It's what is in the best interest for both of us. I never thought I'd have to say it's over with her. I thought our love was so strong it could overcome any mountain. I guess this one was just too damn high for either one of us. At least it was a great love that still is a great friendship. No matter what happens from here in those immortal words of Casablanca at least her and I "will always have Paris." And boy our Paris was grand.
Love to all and g'nite.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Sunday, November 27, 2005
The case of the exploding penis...
No it's not the new messed up Nancy Drew book, and the penis was actually a penis shaped cake. One of my best friends is going for surgery soon and they had a party to celebrate. So I borrowed an idea I heard about from another such party, made her a cake shaped like a penis, and carefully hid a balloon filled with strawberry syrup inside to give it that blood effect. It was so easy, before I frosted the cake I simply removed enough cake place the balloon in the hole, and frosted over it all. It got so many laughs it was worth it. She is going in the next few weeks, and while I will miss her while she is gone, I am so happy for her finally getting her body to match her mind. Her's has been a tough struggle, she has lost much more than I yet still goes on. God's speed hun, glad your dream is about to come true. Wish I could be there for you when you get out. Hopefully someday I'll get there myself.
As for me I've been very busy. Work has been hectic too say the least, now till Christmas is our busiest time of the year. When not working I've been frantically splitting my time between working on the book, and my kids blankets I am crocheting them for Christmas. I haven't had much time, but that is good because it keeps me from getting too down about not being any closer to my goal of surgery. At least I have the comfort that everyone treats me as a woman. That is the most important part of the trip afterall. It wouldn't matter if I had a vagina and nobody treated me as a woman. While I still have Mr. Happy everyone treats me as though I don't. While it is comforting, it is also frustrating to be so close yet so far. I guess I should be thankful for what I have.
Sorry for being so short and unfocused. Hopefully soon I can get back to a more regular schedule.
Love to all, take care, and g'nite.
As for me I've been very busy. Work has been hectic too say the least, now till Christmas is our busiest time of the year. When not working I've been frantically splitting my time between working on the book, and my kids blankets I am crocheting them for Christmas. I haven't had much time, but that is good because it keeps me from getting too down about not being any closer to my goal of surgery. At least I have the comfort that everyone treats me as a woman. That is the most important part of the trip afterall. It wouldn't matter if I had a vagina and nobody treated me as a woman. While I still have Mr. Happy everyone treats me as though I don't. While it is comforting, it is also frustrating to be so close yet so far. I guess I should be thankful for what I have.
Sorry for being so short and unfocused. Hopefully soon I can get back to a more regular schedule.
Love to all, take care, and g'nite.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
3 years and counting...
3 years ago tonight I lived in the northwest hills of CT and we were having the worst ice storm in over 50 years. But inside my cute little home there was a private storm brewing of my own. It was on this night that I decided I finally had to tell Co about my feelings. It was the longest weekend of my and probably her life as well. At first it looked bad for us, not only as a couple but as friends.
Yet with hard work, compromise, and going slow we are still best friends. It amazes me that we found a way to make things work. Yes I wish we were able to find a way to make it work as a couple, but hey I'm one of the few folks in my situation that have as close a relationship as Co and I have. It took tons of hard work from both sides, and I'm sure there were times where both of us just wanted to quit and walk away. But we kept at it and tried hard to make things work.
I think it is a testament of true friendship indeed. So many times in our life we meet people and they are in our life for a bit but then fade back out quickly. There are also folks who are brought together in crisis or common interest. Sometimes in times of conflict friendships may seem stronger than they truly are. People do have a habit of latching onto to something new and try to use it as a replacement for something they've lost. Co and I have been through allot. We've been friends since the late 80's and are still going strong. Yeah we have our tough times, but we work them out and keep going. I am blessed in having her in my life.
I have also had the pleasure of meeting a few folks in the last few years that I will be able to have a great friendship with too. One of them has faded from the picture since she found a new love and moved out of town. The other has recently moved closer and we hang out allot together. But it isn't just about hanging out, it's having a connection, a common past, a common outlook and a common goal in life. Luckily for the most part I've been lucky in finding a few folks like this.
No matter what though I find it hard to imagine that anyone could ever get as close to me as Co has. We have been married, have kids, and have a long history together. That though isn't going to stop me from trying to have more than one strong friendship indeed. I just hope that no matter what Co and I will always be there for each other, and in someway part of each other's lives.
Gotta run.
Love to all and g'night.
Yet with hard work, compromise, and going slow we are still best friends. It amazes me that we found a way to make things work. Yes I wish we were able to find a way to make it work as a couple, but hey I'm one of the few folks in my situation that have as close a relationship as Co and I have. It took tons of hard work from both sides, and I'm sure there were times where both of us just wanted to quit and walk away. But we kept at it and tried hard to make things work.
I think it is a testament of true friendship indeed. So many times in our life we meet people and they are in our life for a bit but then fade back out quickly. There are also folks who are brought together in crisis or common interest. Sometimes in times of conflict friendships may seem stronger than they truly are. People do have a habit of latching onto to something new and try to use it as a replacement for something they've lost. Co and I have been through allot. We've been friends since the late 80's and are still going strong. Yeah we have our tough times, but we work them out and keep going. I am blessed in having her in my life.
I have also had the pleasure of meeting a few folks in the last few years that I will be able to have a great friendship with too. One of them has faded from the picture since she found a new love and moved out of town. The other has recently moved closer and we hang out allot together. But it isn't just about hanging out, it's having a connection, a common past, a common outlook and a common goal in life. Luckily for the most part I've been lucky in finding a few folks like this.
No matter what though I find it hard to imagine that anyone could ever get as close to me as Co has. We have been married, have kids, and have a long history together. That though isn't going to stop me from trying to have more than one strong friendship indeed. I just hope that no matter what Co and I will always be there for each other, and in someway part of each other's lives.
Gotta run.
Love to all and g'night.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
The letter....
It's occurred to me that is time for me to type up a little letter to send to relatives on my dad's side. I haven't seen them since my change, and he hasn't been able to bring himself to tell them. I just don't want to have to come out at someone's funeral or the like and think it's best to be proactive rather than reactive. It will be the mother of all christmas letters I guess...
"not much is new here, other than the fact I've decided to live as a woman for the rest of my life."
I'm not sure how one family will take it. They are such born agains it isn't funny. It's not that I need their approval or anything, I'm just tired of losing people. The biggest loss has been that of Co's family. Her brother lives upstairs from her, and I went over to see her and the kids tonight. As I was going in he was coming out, he just stopped himself from coming out when he spotted me. I don't know if he was waiting for me to say hello, or he hates me so much he couldn't bring himself to say hi? It hurts alot that this is how things have degraded. Her family had become my family years before we were even married, and now nobody will even talk to me. I have lost a big part of my life, and there is a whole in my heart that will never heal in losing them in my life.
I'm hoping my family will be more understanding. If not I guess I'm just going to have to be thankful for what I do have and move on. I wish more folks could just understand this and not treat me like a leper. I'm not a child molester, or murder, drug user or pusher. I didn't kill anyone, or mess around on my wife, or even beat her. Yet I get treated at times like I've done all of above. I look forward to a day where hopefully none of this shit matters and I will get to fill the holes in my heart.
Love to all and g'nite.
"not much is new here, other than the fact I've decided to live as a woman for the rest of my life."
I'm not sure how one family will take it. They are such born agains it isn't funny. It's not that I need their approval or anything, I'm just tired of losing people. The biggest loss has been that of Co's family. Her brother lives upstairs from her, and I went over to see her and the kids tonight. As I was going in he was coming out, he just stopped himself from coming out when he spotted me. I don't know if he was waiting for me to say hello, or he hates me so much he couldn't bring himself to say hi? It hurts alot that this is how things have degraded. Her family had become my family years before we were even married, and now nobody will even talk to me. I have lost a big part of my life, and there is a whole in my heart that will never heal in losing them in my life.
I'm hoping my family will be more understanding. If not I guess I'm just going to have to be thankful for what I do have and move on. I wish more folks could just understand this and not treat me like a leper. I'm not a child molester, or murder, drug user or pusher. I didn't kill anyone, or mess around on my wife, or even beat her. Yet I get treated at times like I've done all of above. I look forward to a day where hopefully none of this shit matters and I will get to fill the holes in my heart.
Love to all and g'nite.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Holy hot-flashes Batman...
Ok so this weekend I tried injectable estrogen for the first time. I'm trying to save my liver, and this is supposed to help. I had wanted to be done with all the meds by now, but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way.
It hurt a bit, more after the fact than during the shot itself. But today holy f'n shit was I feeling side effects. I had wicked hot-flashes nearly all day. I have never felt like that before. It felt as if my skin was on fire from underneath. I felt flush and distracted and wanted nothing more than to go home strip naked and jump into a tub of ice. By afternoon it calmed down a bit, it wasn't constant at least.
I'm going to have to evaluate things these next two weeks to see if I'm going to continue with this delivery system for hormones. I don't want to hurt my liver, but I also don't want to have the hot-flashes either.
I guess I'm kinda getting what I hoped for though. I've always wanted to feel what it was like to be a real gen female, and now I'm feeling the hot-flashes they get during menopause. I know it's not much, but at least I've tasted it.
I do get tired from time to time of all we have to go through to reach our destinations. Gen gals do nothing but be born, we have to go through hell and back to get to the same place. I am glad that most of the gen gals in my life realize this and haven't given me too much grief. They have seen the hard work I've put into things, they know what I had to give up, and they treat me like one of their own. Thank God for small favors.
Love to all and g'nite. I've gotta go find some ice to chew on.
It hurt a bit, more after the fact than during the shot itself. But today holy f'n shit was I feeling side effects. I had wicked hot-flashes nearly all day. I have never felt like that before. It felt as if my skin was on fire from underneath. I felt flush and distracted and wanted nothing more than to go home strip naked and jump into a tub of ice. By afternoon it calmed down a bit, it wasn't constant at least.
I'm going to have to evaluate things these next two weeks to see if I'm going to continue with this delivery system for hormones. I don't want to hurt my liver, but I also don't want to have the hot-flashes either.
I guess I'm kinda getting what I hoped for though. I've always wanted to feel what it was like to be a real gen female, and now I'm feeling the hot-flashes they get during menopause. I know it's not much, but at least I've tasted it.
I do get tired from time to time of all we have to go through to reach our destinations. Gen gals do nothing but be born, we have to go through hell and back to get to the same place. I am glad that most of the gen gals in my life realize this and haven't given me too much grief. They have seen the hard work I've put into things, they know what I had to give up, and they treat me like one of their own. Thank God for small favors.
Love to all and g'nite. I've gotta go find some ice to chew on.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
It Is Your Destiny...
Ok let me tell you right off the bat I'm still a Star wars geek. I've been in love with the series since my parents took me as a little pajama clad boy to see the first at the drive-inn so many years ago. I now own all of the episodes having added the latest just the other day.
I like the last one the best not only for all the eye candy explosions and fight scenes. It is because Anikin finally realizes his destiny and just goes with it. I feel such a kinship to his character, we both are victims of our destinies. Now I'm not saying I'm evil like him, unless you're my born-again cousins, or my daughter's social worker from her school, I'm sure you'll agree. Nevertheless, we both were driven to places neither one of us wanted to go, but we both only had that destination possible to us.
I never wanted to be trans, just as he never wanted to be evil. I did put up a bit more of a fight than he did I must say, but we both had the same results. It's funny how a science fiction movie rings so true to life. But basically it is a story of good vs evil and how we will do almost anything for love. For me I fought like hell to beat an unbeatable force, for him he let himself be manipulated to save the woman he loved.
I only hope those are the only similarities in our stories. I really don't want to end up wearing a black leather suit, a mask, and breathing heavy, unless I'm getting paid well for my services that is. I'm kidding... Seriously I hope mine is a happier ending, one where I get to keep my soul, and finally reach a happy destiny.
Love to all, g'nite and may the force be with you always.
I like the last one the best not only for all the eye candy explosions and fight scenes. It is because Anikin finally realizes his destiny and just goes with it. I feel such a kinship to his character, we both are victims of our destinies. Now I'm not saying I'm evil like him, unless you're my born-again cousins, or my daughter's social worker from her school, I'm sure you'll agree. Nevertheless, we both were driven to places neither one of us wanted to go, but we both only had that destination possible to us.
I never wanted to be trans, just as he never wanted to be evil. I did put up a bit more of a fight than he did I must say, but we both had the same results. It's funny how a science fiction movie rings so true to life. But basically it is a story of good vs evil and how we will do almost anything for love. For me I fought like hell to beat an unbeatable force, for him he let himself be manipulated to save the woman he loved.
I only hope those are the only similarities in our stories. I really don't want to end up wearing a black leather suit, a mask, and breathing heavy, unless I'm getting paid well for my services that is. I'm kidding... Seriously I hope mine is a happier ending, one where I get to keep my soul, and finally reach a happy destiny.
Love to all, g'nite and may the force be with you always.
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