Still fuming....

As you could tell from yesterday's post I'm not a happy camper right now with certain people. I need to express those emotions through song in order to release the negative energy and move on with my life. I know it sounds silly to others, but that is how I deal with things, I take them on head on, handle the emotions associated with things and them move on.

However since certain people don't get the clue and keep on going when they should have moved on themselves awhile ago, I cannot properly deal with things and move on with it. You know the kind of person who cannot take a hint when it's time to leave a party, or how many times is too many times a day to email or call you with their problems. Or even don't realize they are sticking their noses into things just because they believe that only they are smart enough to understand the situation and everyone else is an idiot. You know the kind of person who thinks they are here to save the world but they can't even save themselves.

I've highlighted the pertinent lines in the song on how sometimes when we look back on the past we only remember what we want to. I will warn you the following song is raw and unedited but I assure you it's worth continuing. Enjoy.......

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KEEP GOING ALMOST THERE
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Memories
Like the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me - would we? could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Come on who's more badass than Striesand? Not every song has to have the words f%#@ in it, and it's nice when the don't but still help you say f%#@ you!

I just don't give a f*%#@...

Ok I know this isn't a song it's a hateful testosterone filled rap. But that my friends is how I'm feeling the last few days. I don't want to get into it, but I've had trouble with a current friend, an old trans friend, an old "normal" friend, and last night an aunt of mine that used to be my favorite made sure I was specifically not invited to an event for my cousin. The same cousin who is more than ok, and who I have been close to for a long time. We used to sneak out and smoke cigs together, she still comes over for our picnics and parties, her mother though is another story. So to go with the mood I give you this week....


I just don't give a f%#@
Eminem

Slim Shady, brain dead like Jim Brady
I'm a M80, you Lil' like that Kim lady
I'm buzzin, Dirty Dozen, naughty rotten rhymer
Cursin at you players worse than Marty Schottenheimer
You wacker than the motherfucker you bit your style from
You ain't gonna sell two copies if you press a double album
Admit it, f%#@ it, while we comin out in the open
I'm doin acid, crack, smack, coke and smokin dope then
My name is Marshall Mathers, I'm an alcoholic (Hi Marshall)
I have a disease and they don't know what to call it
Better hide your wallet cause I'm comin up quick to strip your cash
Bought a ticket to your concert just to come and whip your ass
Bitch, I'm comin out swingin, so fast it'll make your eyes spin
You gettin knocked the f%#@ out like Mike Tyson
The +Proof+ is in the puddin, just ask the Deshaun Holton
I'll slit your motherf%#@er throat worse than Ron Goldman



So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!


I'm Nicer than Pete, but I'm on a search to crush a Miilkbone
I'm Everlast-ing, I melt Vanilla Ice like silicone
I'm ill enough to just straight up diss you for no reason
I'm colder than snow season when it's twenty below freezin
Flavor with no seasonin, this is the sneak preview
I'll diss your magazine and still won't get a weak review
I'll make your freak leave you, smell the Folgers crystals
This is a lyrical combat, gentlemen hold your pistols
But I form like Voltron and blast you with my shoulder missiles
Slim Shady, Eminem was the old initials (Bye-bye!)
Extortion, snortin, supportin abortion
Pathological liar, blowin shit out of proportion
The looniest, zaniest, spontaneous, sporadic
Impulsive thinker, compulsive drinker, addict
Half animal, half man
Dumpin your dead body inside of a f%#@in trash can
With more holes than an Afghan

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!



Somebody let me out this limousine (hey, let me out!)
I'm a caged demon, on stage screamin like Rage Against the Machine
I'm convinced I'm a fiend, shootin up while this record is spinnin
Clinically brain dead, I don't need a second opinion
F%#@ droppin the jewel, I'm flippin the sacred treasure
I'll bite your motherf%#@er style, just to make it fresher
I can't take the pressure, I'm sick of bitches
Sick of naggin bosses bitchin while I'm washin dishes
In school I never said much, too busy havin a headrush
Doin too much rush had my face flushed like red blush
Then I went to Jim Beam, that's when my face grayed
Went to gym in eighth grade, raped the women's swim team
Don't take me for a joke I'm no comedian
Too many mental problems got me snortin coke and smokin weed again
I'm goin up over the curb, drivin on the median
Finally made it home, but I don't got the key to get in

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!

And if you think changing all those words didn't make me even crankier you'd be wrong.....

Hurt Trek....

These are the voyages of the starship irritate
and its 5 year mission
to search out new ways to piss everyone off
to find new lows in hurting feelings
and boldly piss people off
like they've never been pissed off before.

Sorry it's been one of those lifetimes. I'm not going to go into things too much here, since I'll just hurt somebody else's feelings by what I write. I'm tired of all the negative energy from everyone being mad at me. All I ever try to do is help people and when you don't give them your soul when they have everything else, they end up turning on you and treat you like you fucked their pet goat. I'm tired ok so forgive the analogy. I just tired of caring about everyone and always having to worry about their feelings, what I've done to them, and how I've made them feel. Don't I fucking count for anything? I love to help people, but I'd like my own share of things every now and then too. I don't want much, other than a little caring and compassion every now and then. I'm sorry to rant, but I'm at the point right now where I really just want to check out and go move into a fucking cave somewhere. I don't like feeling this way, but I just am feeling the pain I am getting back by caring. Maybe I should be a total asshole to everyone? Maybe I should just put myself first? They say you reap what you sow, but honey I keep planting hearts and keep getting barbed wire plants. All but a few of the close friendships have ended so badly. I guess I give too much and they grow to expect it every day. I'm no fucking saint, and I don't want to sound like I need to be on a cross, but I do keep end up getting the short end of the stick more times than not.

Long pointless rant, but my own words and feelings that needed to get out.

Go screw, and bite me.
(ok that doesn't work, Love to all and of course take care... for now)

A Saturday tune...

Ok I know tunes are for Tuesday. I was busy working a 14 hour day on Tuesday, and today I have a task that isn't pleasant. Today I go for laser on my crotch to get ready for surgery. I had laser on my face years ago and it wasn't a pleasant experience, the best I can describe the feeling was like in Return of the Jedi when the emperor shoots those lighting bolts out his fingers at Luke. It felt like those little bolts dancing on my face shocking as they fluttered about. I hope it doesn't feel that bad down there. I'm not looking forward to it, but I guess I really have no choice in the matter. The only person that does electrol down there now charges a flat rate of $500 for up to 5 sessions of electrol. If she didn't have such an attitude I might have considered going to her. I know she's had a rough time lately with her mother dieing, but I didn't kill her, so I don't think she should take it out on me. So without further delay.......


Great Balls Of Fire -
Jerry Lee Lewis
(changed by moi)
Born into a male body with a female brain
Got to rid the hair on my main vein
It makes me ill,
wish there were a pill
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire

I've laughed at pain
'cause I thought it was funny
But my crotch burns
and my nose is runny
All this hurt,
Just to be a "skirt'
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire
Kiss them baby,
Shit ,ow, stop it burns.
Can't wait for The Dr to cut me baby.
I want to pee like a woman should
Be fine, so kind
I want to get some without having to be taken from behind,hind,hind
I dig in my nails and I 'crossa my eyes
I'm in real pain, but it no surprise
Come on baby, this is driving me crazy
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire!!

*************FOLLOW UP NOTES*************

Ok I've had my share of experience with pain, and let me tell you by far, that was the worst yesterday. I've broken my jaw, dislocated my knee, had my cup cracked playing hockey,had a few concussions, and endured countless hours of electrolysis, yet I've never felt pain that intense. I'd have to rate it at about 5 to 10 times the most painfully electrol pain I've ever felt. Luckily it's 20 times faster so it works out. The pain equation is on the positive side for me so I can't complain too much. I will say if you are thinking about it beware. It feels like somebody stuck a hot curling iron in your crotch. MMMMM thats a pretty picture no?

Ashley's musical review...

Last night I was lucky enough to get free tickets to see Frankie Valli at the casino last night. It was a special by invitation only event and a friend from work happens to be somewhat of a high roller and received tickets.

At first glance of Frankie I thought he was Joe Pesce's brother and had just been wheeled out of the local nursing home. His face showed the years he's lived. With his resemblance to Pesce I have expected to break into a song with a chorus of "fuck you, you fucking fuck." Luckily I have an overactive imagination and it didn't happen.

It amazed me that I was amongst the youngest person in the crowd. My other coworker friend Holly is 5 months younger so I wasn't the youngest. Yet I knew every song but three. He played all the old favorites including on of my favorite songs "My eyes adored you." Aka the stalking song, or from the line "though I never laid a hand on you" it's also been called the Catholic priest legal defense anthem. (yeah like I'm not going to hell already?) Seriously it was excellent, other than the fact nobody got up to dance till almost the end, and it was our young group doing it. Of course most of the crowd had to run home to catch the Golden Girls, or re-apply the Fixadent.

As slow as they started Frankie did show lots of energy by the end of the show. His back-up singers "The 4 seasons" who are obvious replacements considering none of them look old enough to have even been born for "Grease" carried the show at times. I can honestly say overall despite his age, he had the right people around him to put on one hell of a show.

While I can't say I would have paid $25 to see him if you are from that era or like me love music from all decades it's worth it to you to see him once. It's kinda like going to see the Statue of Liberty, or other old landmark. For this one you better hurry since the Grim Reaper may decide to whack him soon like they did to him on the Sopranos.

Time...

It amazes me lately how our concept of time fluctuates so in life. As you can see by my countdown clock on the right I'm below 100 days and counting till the big day. To me it seems right around the corner. I've hardly had much time to worry about things until now, but as we get closer I am starting to have some of the usual worries about something happening(ie job loss, hurricane, being kidnapped by religious zealots and sent to a republican retraining camp and be forced to go back to my old male self.) Ok the last one is a bit far fetched but hey you never know these days.

Luckily and sadly I've been too busy to worry too much. Between the 2 jobs I haven't had a day off since Easter and I'm not seeing one in sight to maybe Memorial day. If not I'm going to put in a request for a Saturday off.

I'm also toying with going back to school and continuing my adolescent dream of being a therapist. I don't know if I have the drive it will take to pick up the ball and start running again, but I do know I need to finish this task first before I get too far ahead of myself and stumble.

Hopefully I'll talk to y'all soon. BTW modified salad diet aka high fiber diet 3lbs lost in week 1. :)

Love to all, take care and big hugs.

Because I'm Fat...

Fat
Weird Al Yankovic

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown

Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat

When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat

If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house

You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat

Ok I'm sorry I know I'm far from fat, ok maybe down the street, but I had to use this song today on day 2 of the diet. Scale hasn't gone down yet, but of course I didn't expect it to plummet right away. I'll keep you up to date as needed.

Love to all, take care, and be fat and happy...

Salad Daze...

Well having enough already I finally figured it was time for me to try a diet. I have to lose 10lbs for my surgery in August, even though I'm pretty sure I'm pretty fit right now. It doesn't matter I guess that I am well below the normal threshold of 200lbs most surgeons use, but I could stand to lose a dress size or 2 as well.

Courtney also wants to lose some weight, so this week we are trying an odd diet of sorts. Normal reasonable breakfast: english muffin, cereal, bagel(no cream cheese). 100 calorie snack or piece of fruit for a morning snack. Salad for lunch, no meat or cheese on it. Another snack in the afternoon with the same rules as the morning snack. For supper another salad this time with a 1/4cup of meat on it if you chose. All week you are only allowed 3 low fat desserts to be split amongst the 5 days. I'm also going to make up my green tea and cranberry juice cocktail to substitute for some soda consumption. Of course we will be walking everynight as well to burn some extra calories and get that metabolic rate up too.

I'm not going to put how much we weigh now, but I will let you know how much we lose if anything. I am worried that it may be a short trip since that much salad may have a nasty side effect. In the meantime be good, and try our new diet plan if you dare.

Love to all, and take care...