trans-story

Greetings from "The new South"...

2010-05-15T08:25:00.003-04:00

Ok so over a year has passed and once again I haven't written, so I doubt there's anyone who is still around to read this unless they subscribed to this blog. Been living down south now since late December, and it has been a learning experience and an adventure since I last wrote.

First we'll back up the bus a little, last I wrote I said we were coming down here, but plans changed and we decided to buy a house in CT since Co just got a promotion, and I was close to one myself. We looked high and low and settled on one in Torrington. It needed work and lots of it, no kitchen cabinets, really weird floor plan, bad roof that we got the owners to agree to get replaced and a leaning garage that they wouldn't and in the end killed the deal. We were upset at the time, we sunk almost $1000 into inspections and appraisals for the only house in the area that was in our price range and had potential to be fixed up and grow in value, and had the deal go sour. We decided that was our sign that it was time to leave the nutmeg state. We all ended up living at mom's for a bit, while I tried like hell to get a transfer.

Summer turned to fall, no takers down here, fall was turning to winter in late November when I got the call, they had a store for me to interview with. I thought I interviewed horribly as I waited with baited breath the next week and half, and then 3 weeks before Christmas, they wanted me down there asap, I got them to hold off until right after the New Year so I could spend one last Christmas in CT and have the family all together for the holidays. Now co-coordinating moving 900 miles to a place you haven't been before except on train is hard enough, never-mind around the holidays, trying to plan get togethers and good byes all while packing up your life into countless boxes.

We lucked out and got good weather for our trip down, except at the beginning when we ran into some rough weather in NY state. We also lucked out by using a service a friend had told me about called upack, basically they dropped off a tractor trailer, we loaded it up and then they drove it down here, I highly recommend them for any long haul move. We came down through the mountains of W. Virginia and Virginia, good old route 81, and it was Gods country no doubt. Now I know what John Denver was singing about in "Country roads". We made it in 2 days, made good time, even though it got a little hairy coming down the mountains into NC when my brakes were acting up so bad I felt like a helicopter machine gunner, arms shaking violently in a sawing motion as the uneven rotors made it shake. I was saying Our Fathers, and Hail Marys even the whole way down. We made it though, tired as we were, and Co's parents were waiting for us, they let us stay with them for a few days as we were waiting for our stuff to show up, oh did I mention I had not seen or talked to them since before the big change? Yeah, I was scared shitless to say the least, here I was moving 900 miles away and the only family I had I wasn't sure how they were going to react to me. Long story short though it was awesome, other than a few he's that still get dropped in from time to time along with the old name half started, things are ok on that front.

Overall people are nicer down here, you don't get beeped at or flipped off as much and people seem to be in less of a hurry. Of course there are some northern assholes that have transplanted themselves down here too that do kinda make life difficult when they are still trying to live at their old pace and no one down here is in a hurry to get out of their way. There are other issues as well, there are gay people down here, obviously we are everywhere, but it's not all rainbow flags and equality stickers like it was back north. People are quiet here about things, and that is ok, I'm not the type to go around waving flags and being all lesbo up in your face, but there is this feeling of being afraid. We are living in the land of Baptists and waffles, there is a Baptist church and a Waffle house on every corner. What is it about intolerance and waffles that go together? Maybe it's easy to eat something quickly before you put your hood and robe on? There's not too much outward racial prejudice that I expected, but trust me when you get into a private conversation with a good ole boy it's there and it runs deep, not as deep though as the prejudice there is towards women. Ok maybe prejudice is the wrong word, but there is so much of the man is the boss down here bullshit, along with "like a girl" comparisons to choke a gator. I guess the problem with getting the simple life we wanted to get, comes with the stereo-types from those long gone decades. It's hard to say the least to being one of the lead bitches in charge to just being the man's little bitch. It's so hard to just say yesum to somebody you know is wrong and won't listen to you because you don't have a penis.

I know, I know, pick your battles girl, at least they aren't protesting me because I used to be in the tripod tribe, but I do suspect some of the crap I get is there little way of trying to making me try to quit. It might be my imagination but it seems like every really nice thing I do to make my department better gets taken down, or changed into a pos. Either they have bad taste, or like I said they are trying to get me to quit, but I've been through more than anything they can throw at me, so all I can say is bring it. I may be a bit different than most people, but I am also stronger than most people, I have been through more fire and turmoil than one should, I have recovered when I fell, and didn't think I had the strength to get up. I have honed myself into one tough ass bitch who can take a whole lot of shit, can give back more, and has the patience and the wisdom to wait till the time is right to do so, if I chose too. For now all I can do is live my life well, love my family, be a good person so when people figure me out, which they always do eventually they can say "who care's look at the person she is, not what she is", and just try to change the world down here slowly and surely.

On a brighter note, we are buying a house down here with more square feet, more land, and even kitchen cabinets for $40k less than the pos we were trying to buy up north. It's not much, but it will be our little abode, on a nice wooded dead end street, in a town that reminds me allot of Middlefield or Durham. Most of the town is farms and houses, very rural, yet there are several big industrial parks, 3m Michelin, Fabrical are all in town, and there are 3 major roads with fast food and a few grocery stores. I like it down here, kinda wish we came here sooner, hope I can talk my mom into coming down soon.

Anyway if anyone is still reading, thanks, can't say when I'm going to write again, but my emails the same if you need to get a hold of me.

Love to all , and of course take care...

Brighter things to come...

2009-04-21T18:54:00.002-04:00

Well I don't want to jinx anything but things seem to be working out awesomely!!! After a month or two of some really bad turmoil, crying myself to sleep, ulcers, and lots of praying, Co and I have decided to move back in together. It's been a lonely 5+ years for both of us, and we both have gone slow out of respect of each others feelings, and now it looks like it's paying off. After much soul searching and being out on our own we've found that the piece that's been missing for both of us has been each other. I know we have a rough road ahead in getting back into the swing of things, but it will be nice to get to rediscover each other. I have wanted this for so long and now I get to be with my soul mate again. I hope we can get the happy ending we both deserve and want so badly. I don't want to sound all holier than thou but I cannot discount the power of prayer one bit in this whole thing. It took 5 years of prayers, but they appeared to be answered. Thank you Lord for letting us show that love can indeed conquer all.

Of course the moving in together has a little hitch. Neither one of us can afford a place up here so we are looking to follow her family down to South Carolina. I am excited about getting away from the cold New England winter, but I am worried about leaving my mom behind. I've been helping her with the house for the last 5 years and I'm not sure who's going to be doing that for her once I move. I hope my brother and sis step up and keep an eye on her. Of course I'm also going to miss my friends dearly. I'm going to be down there without a safety net close by if things go bad, I guess I'm going to have to rely on the computer and phone a bit more. Of course I'm sure I'll also get to make some new friends down there as well.

Right now we are in the planning stages of the move but more than likely it will be happening between late June and early August. So much to do in so little time, but like all things it will work out in the end. I'll let y'all know when I know more.

Love to all and of course take care...

The other side of the coin...

2009-03-16T09:11:00.002-04:00

Co shared with me this weekend her journal that she kept while we were going through my transition, actually it should be called our transition. I have never felt so much guilt and selfishness in reading it. The pain and turmoil I caused the one person (other than my children of course) that I love more than anything is beyond words. I feel like such a schmuck. Not so much in what I did, I know deep down in my heart that this was my path, I feel that way because I had to take her along for the ride. I wish things could have been different for her, for both of us. Nobody asks to be a transsexual of that I am sure. I just wish I knew that trying to cure myself with love was going to hurt her like it did. Part of me wishes she just hated me, it would have been easier, all of me just wishes I never had to be like this, to do this to her, to us, to my kids. I wish I could have found some happy medium, a compromise that would have benefited everyone, not just myself.

Saying that all the wishing and the hoping on things in the past can't accomplish anything, those things are dead and gone. All I can do now is hope that our love for one another is strong enough to rebuild a great love. And after reading what I read it is a great love. How the fuck can anyone stay with a person that caused them that much pain and not truly love the person who did it. How can she even still talk to me is amazing. I am truly blessed and must have done some really good stuff for her to still be around at this point in the game. My other hopes are that she will give me the opportunity to make it up to her. Not to go back and undo things, that's impossible, no I want to make it up to her by showing her how much I love her back, to make the rest of her days with me the best that I possibly can, be it together as a couple, or as the best friend I can be. I also hope she can forgive me, the weight of my guilt in not only causing the pain, but not seeing the extent of it is astronomical. I pray that some day, some way she can forgive me for dragging her along my path.

To anyone reading this who is on the same path as I was I hope that you stop take an extra second and consider you loved ones. I thought I was, but mistook the signs of her distancing herself as her letting me go, her staying by me in support as a sign that it was ok, not a hope I would change my mind. I know it's a runaway train that you cannot control, been there done that, just be careful that you don't run over anyone else along the way. Looking back I don't see any different path for me, I am both thankful and sad though that she had to be along for the trip. If she hadn't I don't think I would have made it thus far, but because she did she got to go through a transition of her own. She deserves better, I hope I can give her that.

Love to all and of course take care...

Adding a little clarity...

2009-03-09T10:35:00.002-04:00

Ok I promised a little clarity even though from the lack of comments on that post I doubt anyone read it anyway. Regardless it helps to write. This has been a hard journey. I hated myself before because I didn't fit. I went through this whole thing hoping to find that fit I so wanted, and yet still can't seem to find it.Maybe there is no true fit for me, maybe nobody really fits anyway and this is how I'm supposed to feel. I just have gone on a little bit more of an intense journey looking for that fit than most people do.

I also went very slow hoping that through this the one thing I knew in my life that did fit,being with Co, would work itself out, love would conquer all. I waited 5 years giving her space to find herself and see if we could work things out. Well I got tired of waiting and spoke to her about how I feel. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at things she is at a place in her life where she needs to figure out some stuff before she can entertain trying to go down that road. Now here I am where she was when I was trying to find my happy and it sucks. Two people who love each other deeply on this odd twisting journey, unsure that our paths will meet where we can both be happy. The good thing is she loves me, she tells me every day and she is open to trying depending on what she finds on her journey. I just want her to find happy for her and hope that I can be that person to fill the void in her life, that would make me happy. I know it sounds sick in a way to find worth in making someone else happy, but that to me is love. She has stood by me as I did this thing that gave her every right to run away, yet she has stayed in some capacity. I can't give up on love yet, I have never loved anyone like I love her, which is why this journey was so difficult. I had to try and better myself so I could be a good person who liked themself so I could be that for her. It's hard to be there for someone else if you can't be there for yourself.

So here I sit on a precipice not sure of where the cards are going to fall. I hope and pray that they fall where I want. I can't see in reality our relationship continuing the way it has if it doesn't. I can't see being able to have the long heart to heart talks we have if she is with someone else, or myself with someone else. Relationships are hard work and we won't be able to be there for each other as we are now if we are working on a relationship with someone else. I don't want that to end, it is the lighthouse that has kept me going through all this. Yes I've hit the rocks once or twice but I at least had some warning. I don't know what I'll do if it ends with us apart, I don't think I could ever open myself to love again, it hurts too much. I would do anything for her, as I know she would for me. All I can do for now is take one day at a time, work on my side of things and hope with all my heart things work out. If it doesn't life will go on somehow, someway, I just hope I'm strong enough for that transition. Like I said through all this that was the only fit I had, it will be hard to give that up for good.

Love to all and of course take care...

Times could be better...

2009-02-20T07:21:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't written in forever here, and nobody will probably even see this, but I've been going through some tough times in regards to being trans lately. I have been deep in thought over several things that seem to be coming to a head and don't know where to turn. I stand at a crossroads right now and need to decide which path to take. This journey has been a tough one to say the least and I've made some mistakes along the way, such is life. I know I can't go back in time and fix my errors, they are what they are and I don't see anyway they could have been any different. I just wish my life was a bit easier, I didn't sign up for this, I'm just trying to make the best of what I've been given. No matter what happens at least I can say I tried, I've grown through the process and hopefully in some way I'm a better person for all I've been through and all I've learned along the way. Sorry for vagueness, I do promise to update soon and fill in the blanks in the next few days...
Love to all and of course take care

Happy Halloweenie...

2008-10-31T19:03:00.003-04:00

I used to love Halloween, for years it was the only day of the year I could dress as a girl and not get flack for it. In fact the first Halloween I can remember when I was 4 I dressed as Raggedy Ann. Today I was going to dress up for work in costume, but didn't have the gumption to do so just not feeling it. Then it hit me in the shower, I wasn't dressing up in a costume pretending every Halloween, I was dressing up in a costume every day but Halloween. It was the only day of the year I got to be me plain and simple. I spent too many years wearing a mask pretending to be something I was not, now I get to be me all the time and dressing up just wasn't in me today.

As for everything else, there's not much to report on the trans front. I find it harder and harder to write about those issues, I've grown over the past few years and have moved on past many issues and continue to work on others as I will for the rest of my life. I've found though if you dwell on the same things over and over they will smother you over time and you will be mired in a cycle of despair. I've tried to write a couple of other non trans issue blogs but haven't been able to find the passion I once had for this blog. I'm gonna keep working at it until I find something that fits, of course I will keep writing here from time to time, but as you can see from my recent pattern of posting it's few and far between. So if I'm not here for awhile and you want to see how life is going just drop me an email.

Hope all is well with anyone still listening.

Love to all and of course take care...

Happy B-Day Chachi...

2008-08-14T20:54:00.003-04:00

Well I've been a bit busy lately, I'm not really on the computer much this time of year, it's just too damn nice to be sitting writing etc on the computer. I'm more of a wintertime internet user. Life is ok right now, nothing spectacular good or bad. Softball is over and it was a good season, I got my first home run ever, my first grand slam, hit for the cycle and even took an at bat left handed. As a team though we fell short and failed to make the playoffs, but even though we didn't make it I had the most fun playing on a team ever and I've played many seasons in different sports, this team was more like a group of sisters and it felt good to be a part of it.

As usual I've been busy with work and projects at home, it's been a busy summer. I've built a deck, dug a big ass hole to put a tool shed in, built a retaining wall to hold back the hill I dug into and then built the afore mentioned shed. Other than that and hanging with my peeps and my kids it's been a dull summer. No rest for the wicked I say, actually it's the Protestant in me that keeps me busy, idle hands being the devils tools and all.

As my title states today is my chachi's two year birthday. It seems odd to think it was only two years ago. I guess when you feel a certain way your whole life the "hole surgery" is secondary and it seems like you've been this way for longer. Yet part of me seems like it was only yesterday I was in tremendous pain after waking up from the surgery not knowing it had happened and frantically telling the nurse to hold on I have to get up and pee. That first night was something I will never forget even though I was in a drug induced haze. I was so thirsty, had this feeling like I had to take the wicked piss ever and couldn't move no matter how hard I tried, and believe me I tried. The next week or so involved a mixture of elation and finding new meanings of pain. I had good friends with me to watch over me and help me out but there were times I was on my own. I remember having a full catheter bag the morning after surgery and having to get up and walk to the bathroom to empty it all alone in the hotel room as my friends were stuck in traffic. I also remember having to get up and plunge the toilet one day when one of friends was being driven to the airport by our other friend, not an easy task when parts of your body have been ripped out turned inside out and shoved up you. I learned allot about my threshold for pain and how much I can overcome if I set my mind to it. People underestimate what they can do if they just try.

One pain though that still nags at me is the guilt over the whole thing. I know I had no other choice, either I had the surgery or I would have ended up dead. There was no way around it, I had to do it, that is a given. I do however have guilt over dragging other people into it. I married had kids and stuck my burden on them. I am thankful that I tried to beat this through love, that I have two beautiful and wonderful kids, but I feel guilty that my wife has no husband and my kids don't have a normal father. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor is there any other way I can imagine things turning out any different, but guilt is a funny thing, it has no logic, rhyme or reason. Guilt is as guilt does, or is it like a box of chocolates? Guilt is this little monster that feeds off the excessive joy one has in their life to make true happiness a fleeting dream. It's the thing that makes this earth and not Heaven. Maybe someday when I see my kids are ok and Co finds love again I can drive a wooden stake into the heart of guilt and be free. Until then I'll get by beating it back as I can. At least I can battle knowing I am doing it as myself and with the knowledge I am strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Gotta go watch some olympics, I like the winter games better, but how can you not like watching beach volleyball?

Love to all and of course take care....

Catching up, screwing all day,banging at night...

2008-05-24T10:09:00.002-04:00

Ok I know it's been awhile and that title sounds a bit perverted, but anyone familiar with my blog knows a you can't judge a blog by it's title...

Screwing all day,banging at night...
I recently decided to build mom a deck for mothers day. I've never built a deck before, not even helped build one. I had an idea though in my little head and decided to go for it. So without any written plans or help from anyone, other than Court helping me by running a string to keep it straight I built a mighty nice deck. If I was more technically gifted I would post a picture on the blog, but I'm not. It was quite the ordeal getting all the decking down and gaped properly and my back was killing me from being stooped over screwing all the boards in with my drill.

The banging at night part comes from softball. It's been an odd season so far, I usually am great on defense and ok with a bat. This year I started on fire with the bat and have made a few defensive mistakes. I don't know if I've built muscle in my new department at work, or building the deck maybe, but I've never hit a home run in my life and have 2 of them so far this season. Of course we still haven't won a game, but it's not always about winning, it's about getting together with a bunch of lesbians smacking 1 symbol of male genitalia with an over sized phallic symbol. While we may suck on the field I enjoy hanging with my girls, it's really my only source of socializing I've been able to do in awhile. I need to get a life, start going out, move on with life before it's gone.

Speaking of doing things before life is gone I went to NYC the other day and took the test for Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I did this back in '04 but did not do so well, this time however I did very well. There were 30 of us there to take the written test and when it was done, it was just me and some older gentleman from Mass. New England representing in the NYC! I was estatic, the next step was a little interview which went ok, but not as good as I know I could have done. I was still so overwhelmed after passing the test and recovering from the turmoil in getting there on time. You see I may be smart enough to get on the show, but I'm not smart enough to get my way around on the subway. I wanted to go uptown on the red 1 line and ended up heading downtown. I got off the subway when I realized, left the station went back into what I thought was the right station and proceeded to get back on a downtown bound train. Man was I pissed, so I got off the next station and decided to read the station signs and discovered the uptown stations say "uptown" on them. What a concept, so I got on the right train and just made the test in the nick of time. Thank God I was familiar with the area and knew where to go when I got off the train. They said they would be sending me a postcard within the next few weeks telling me whether or not I'm in the contestant pool. I'm keeping the faith and staying positive hoping the positive thought will bring something positive. Negativity tends to only drain you and attract negative things so I'm trying like hell to keep those thoughts at bay. If I don't make it and I'm "too ugly for television" I'll just keep trying. It's hard when your a tranny sometimes though. Several people on the subway were smiling at me like they clocked me and I was there to entertain them. What am I some fucking sort of entertainment, thus my dislike of drag as a form of entertainment, people like myself who are just trying to live my life get seen as something to laugh at for no other reason than being different. Of course after thinking about it I did have my knitting bag with me as I am working on a baby blanket for a friend, on the bag "Middlesex Credit union." Maybe they did clock me and think it was funny that a tranny would be on the subway with a bag that said middlesex, hey I had a chuckle too.

Otherwise life is good, busy too, warm weather makes it harder to find the time to sit here and blog about things, but I'll try. I'll definitely let you all know when the postcard comes what they say. Hopefully I'll be able to go on the show and earn enough $ to get the boob job I've been wanting for awhile. Ok a boob job and taking my kids to Disney, what says family fun more than a bigger bra and a visit to the magic kingdom...

Love to all and of course take care...

I QUIT!!! (again)

2008-04-07T13:33:00.002-04:00

Yes it is true I'm a quitter, but in a good way. Today I am on day one of quitting smoking yet again. I know it sounds odd but in the past I've been successful at quitting smoking, the problem comes when something bad happens I start up again. The first real time I quit it was to go on hormones, my endo insisted I quit before he would prescribe e for me. I remember how stressful it was back then, I was trying to slowly end one way of life I had lived and transition into a new one without hurting either. I still remember chomping my mouthful of gummy bears the night I had to go before the GICNE board for certification that I was really tg. That quitting lasted quite a while almost 2 years in fact, I only went back to smoking after my little mental vacation after finding I was too stupid to even kill myself all at once, so I decided to take up the slower method again. I smoked for awhile again until the prospect of surgery actually came along again. Yes there were a few spurts and such where I would quit and go back quickly but once I got the okand $ for surgery I was hard core committed to quit. Ok so there was one night where I got a voice mail from my surgeon that it looked like he wasn't going to be able to do my surgery due to my blood work where I freaked and lit up, but you can't blame a gal can you for that? But things worked out and I got my surgery and only smoked that one night. That time I quit for almost a year only to start up again after I let a very nasty person get the better of me and stress me to the point of tears and buying a pack of smokes to calm down. I should have never let the bitch get to me and start the evil path of smoking again. Now it's 18 months latter and I'm tired of waking up coughing, hacking and always having a sore throat. A few of my male coworkers have offered to help with the sore throat thingy, but usually those kind of guys are just hiding something and have more of a tooth pick to offer than an all day sucker.

I hope this time will be one of the long quit times, I can't say I will never smoke again, one can never count on the word never. I have really enjoyed smoking, it has calmed me when I was upset, it has consoled me when I needed to cry, it has kept me awake when I was ready to crash from working 18 hour days, it is the on constant that has never changed throughout the various stages of my life, and of course it has been by my side when I was on top of the world after sex. Of course it has also made me cough, filled my lungs with gunk, and permanently scarred my lungs according to some pre-surgical x-rays I had. It's odd how something that has been so beneficial to my mentally has been so harmful to me physically. I know that the smoking I have done has shortened my life, and if I continued it would have surely ended my life. Who knows maybe I've already smoked too much for quitting to help, one will never know. All I can do is concentrate on not needing to smoke for the time being and not worry too much on what I did in the past or what the future may or may not bring. People say all the time they want to see their kids grow up and have grand kids, but quitting smoking doesn't guarantee that will happen. I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, God forbid something could happen to my kids, or for that matter the world could end. I've got shit I want to concentrate on for the time being, softball is starting this month and I would like to be able to run the bases without being winded. I also still have my goal of rollerblading 26.5 miles in a day that I want to accomplish this summer, I start training for that again on Thursday with a planned 10 mile trex. Should be a little easier without all that "Flavor" filling my lungs. For now this Marlboro woman is riding into the sunset before I need an oxygen tank in my saddle bag.

Love to all and of course take care....

The problem with Jeffersonian theory...

2008-03-26T09:33:00.003-04:00

Well in my last long winded blog I spoke of taking a Jeffersonian approach to being trans and just not talk about it. I can't say if anyone read it, due to no comments, or maybe I just suck so bad I inspired no comments. Anyway I find myself at this time under yet another assault at work. I had a co-worker come up to me laughing while telling me what he overheard the other day about me. Of course it was about me being trans. I have tried my best to be so rock solid and tell myself it doesn't matter what other people say about me, but it is getting hard. It bothered me that this guy found it comical, of course his thing was that it was funny that people would think I was one of "those people." It bothered me that people think of "those people" as something that is comical, that they are objects to be made fun of because they are so fucked up in the head. I am one of those people dammit and I'm in a catch 22 right now. If I sit back and deny what I am, then I am no better than the assholes who poke fun of us. Yet if I stand up and say proudly "yes I am trans, you got a problem with that?" then I am merely falling into their trap of outing myself. I am simply what I am, I can't say I'm proud of being trans any more than I can say I'm proud of being white, or having blue eyes. I have no control over the way I was born, there can be no pride to be taken. I am proud of all the obstacles I had to overcome in order to get where I am. I am not ashamed of what I am, I am ashamed of what people think I am. It's sad that folks always have to ostracize what is different in people instead of embracing what we all have in common. It's funny when I lived as a guy I was different and would get called fag all the time, now I live as a woman I get called dike or have people talk on how I must have been a man behind my back. I'm different from most people no matter what clothes I wear on the outside because of having to deal with all that shit on the inside all those years. I don't fit either mold and who cares? I don't think I fit in the tranny mold either to tell the truth. The problem is that most of us don't really fit molds but we change who we are in order to fit what everyone else says we should be.

I don't mind from time to time playing the game and being a good tranny, and just keeping my mouth shut, but it wears on you over time. One of these days I'm just going to cave in one day and tell people the truth and fuck them if they don't like it. The anti discrimination bill is in the state house again, this year I actually sent in written testimony under the name Jane or John Doe. I hope it's passing will help us trans folks not have to deal with this kind of shit at work, but when you get down to it if a company wants to get rid of you they will get around it no matter how many laws you put out there to protect us or anyone else. I'm at the point where I'm actually afraid to see what will happen if I stand up for myself and my kind at work. I've had opportunity to approach hr on the issue but haven't decided to do it yet. If I continue to get treated the same way though I will have no choice to do so and see what becomes of it. Funny how I had the courage to go get a 1/4lb of flesh removed, change my name and my whole life, but I'm scared to go talk to one man about what's going on. This fear brings me shame, and makes me think I'm not as brave as I give myself credit for. How can I overcome such adversity yet be so afraid of telling someone who I am? Such is the paradox of my life. Oh well enough of me talking to the wall, or myself even, gotta go take on the day and try to remember to never let the bastards wear me down.

Love to all and of course take care...

Ghosts,Time Travel and A few thoughts on being a Jeffersonian transsexual ...

2008-02-29T20:11:00.005-05:00

Ok that's quite a lot in one title, but I haven't had a chance to write lately and I wanted to cover everything I haven't had the time to say. Overall life has been good and busy with the new position and all. I've been through so much training lately I haven't had much time or energy for writing anything here, but felt it was time to get some out, so here it goes.

On being a Jeffersonian transsexual...

Last week it was presidents day, not a day that really is too much of a holiday in my book. We really haven't had any really good presidents lately, and honestly how much can we truly say we know about how good the ones we are taught were so great really were, I mean many of the founding fathers were drunk and owned slaves for God's sake, not really pillars in today's world, but times are changing all the time I guess and history has a way of just trying to remember the good things. Barbra Streisand said it best in her song "The way we were" "What's to painful to remember we simply chose to forget..." Anyhow this blog isn't about the lyrics of bab's or all the past presidents and the good and bad about them it's basically my new found attitude on my life and how to deal with people like one of our past presidents did.

Ok I'm sure we all the know the story, Thomas Jefferson who was one of our founding fathers and a past president had somewhat of a liking for some "chocolate love" had an affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings, and had several children from this relationship, allegedly that is. What I didn't know that when all this was going on he had a great way of dealing with it, he just didn't talk about it. He didn't lie and state that he "didn't have relations with that women, ms. Hemings." He didn't sit there and blame the opposition, or the liberal media, he just chose to ignore it. By not paying it any attention he was not giving anyone the satisfaction of proving anything he said to be false or otherwise. Such is my new stand on things at work. I know there are rumours and rumblings around my workplace about me, you know what, who cares? At one point I used to get so worked up on having back stories, and half truths prepared for almost any question or moment, but you know, why should I have to sit there and tell stories? My new response to any of it will be something along the lines of how people have nothing better to do than spread gossip about people they are jealous of and leave it at that. No back stories, no denial, no giving people the satisfaction of getting to me. Thanks Mr. Jefferson for your example of how to piss off those who seek to pry into things that are not their business.

Ghosts and Time Travel

Ok I know odd subject but what the hell these are odd times. I just finished reading Jenny Boylan's latest book "I'm looking through you" and found it to be quite good. It was a quick read I started it on Sunday and finished on Thursday, but I'm a quicker than average reader if the author grabs me the right way, and she does. The book deals with her growing up in a "haunted house" where she sees some really crazy things, but more important than the ghosts she deals with in her youth are the ghosts she deals with in her adult life. We all have ghosts of our past in our life, not ghosts in a Casper kind of way, but more in a way on how people move in and out of our life, and even our past selves are sometimes a ghost to us. Now of course add being trans to the mix and things get amped up a bit to say the least. We seem to end up with more ghosts than most people. Even the people I still deal with from BT(before transition) are different than they were before. I can't blame them, I mean this person they cared for that they thought they knew so much about threw them for a loop and changed something very fundamental about them. This person went through all this pain and turmoil and in most cases didn't confide in them what was going on for all that time. Yeah I can see why people change.

It's hard at times dealing with our past in this journey all the BS we went through led us to where we are today, we can't just discard it. Many times though there is so much pain in our past lives we try not to hearken back to those days. It also makes us remember the people in our lives that we have lost on this journey of becoming true to ourselves. Jenny "lost" her sister in the same way I did. Both our sisters said the same things about how "it would be better if you had died." My sister even went as far as telling me I "killed her brother" wow a tranny and a killer, I should be getting that call from Springer any day now. Anyway I felt an even stronger kinship with Ms. Boylan after reading her book, in a way the two of us seem very alike, except she can write and I'm a hack, but what can you do.

In the book she went into this discussion she had with a fellow on time travel and how this guy would like to go back in the past and leave letters for his younger self warning him about certain events, and his sister to prevent her murder. I started thinking about if there were a time that I would go back to and leave a letter and what it would say. But the more I thought about it, there is not much I could change that would make things any better. I could go back and tell myself to get the breast implants when I had the money, that SRS would be a few years off, but who knows, that could have set something off in Co and I wouldn't be able to see the kids, so how would that have improved things? No as much hurt as I've been through, things are good the way they are. I think the one thing I would go back and do is go back to right after I had my little break down, give myself a big hug while I was asleep and whisper in my ear how everything was going to be alright. Who knows maybe I already did, because for some reason,other than a few moments there on the bottom of the abyss, I somehow knew deep down that it would be ok. Just like Jenny figured one of the ghosts she saw in her youth was merely and older her.

Oddly enough continuing on the subject of time travel and breakdowns, last nights episode of Lost also dealt with a time rift. One of the main characters goes through this weird storm which contains a time rift and he is stuck bouncing back and forth between the present and 8 years ago. He was going nuts, when he came back to present he had no knowledge of the events of the last 8 years and thought it was still 2000. It got me thinking, I do that a lot since I have no social life, on what it would be like to have that happen. September 11th wouldn't have happened yet, I had just the one kid on the way at the time, I was balding, and oh yeah had a penis. What a freak-out that would be, one minute it's there, then poof it's gone,in, out, in,out. I don't think I could survive such a rift going back and forth 8 years. Even half of that would be tough. Four years ago I was just starting transition, I was just getting used to my new skin, my new freedom, finding my place in the world. It was all so new to me, I was in a little rift of my own,stuck between the worlds of being male and being female all while being truly neither. I don't want to go off in yet another tangent now, but trust me growing up with a female brain and penis is not growing up either male or female, I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just a different thing, and if I piss you off by saying it take a long hard night to think it over and email me,just comment me to email you and I'll email you back. I was struggling and unknowingly heading fast for a bad fall into a dark abyss. I'm in a better place now, I like this skin I'm in, it feels good to be me. The me I am has changed a lot in 4 years, and I'm sure it will continue to change. I bet I can look back 4 years from now and think how much life has changed. At least I hope too, life would be pretty boring without change. I just hope I don't hit any time rifts anytime soon, find any letters from my future self, or for that matter see any ghosts. Anyway to finish the story from Lost, he finally was able to break the time jumping when he spoke to the woman he loved in the present. It was the only constant for him between the two times, I hope that I too have constants in my life far into the future that are here now that I love.

If you read this whole long thing, thanks for listening to the babble, sorry for the tangents and the scatteredness.

Love to all and of course take care..

If at first you don't suceed, try, try again...

2008-01-29T19:46:00.000-05:00

Oh well tonight I'm giving it another try. You see I've experienced so much in my life, they are simple things but big to me, and one thing that I haven't accomplished yet is being on a game show. So tonight I take the online Jeopardy test again. I took it last year and got my ass kicked even though I studied for weeks, this year I'm going in with no preparation at all. Why not? Busting my ass just got me nervous, doing nothing has me at ease, which hopefully will help. I'll let you all know how I do.

In other news I may be moving within the next couple of years. I hate the winter with a passion and have wanted to move south for some time now, but my family is here and I can't leave them. Well Co's brother moved down to South Carolina a few years back and now her parents are talking about following. Her family is very close and her parents are getting up there in age so she is thinking of following them down there as well. Well if my family is going south I'm going as well. I love the heat so it's good, and a change of scenery would do good for the whole stealth thing as well. I am a little concerned though of how the "T community" is treated down there. I know it's the south and people up here have a pre-conceived notion that they're all rednecks down there. I don't think so though, people are people plain and simple and since I blend pretty well I think I'll be ok. Plus after watching "To Wang Foo Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar" the people of the south take fine to drag queens so why not me. I look a hell of allot better than Wesley Snipes in a dress, unfortunately John Leguizamo got me beat, Chi-Chi was a Latino beauty. Oh well can't smart and pretty too....

Love to all and of course take care....

Life keeps going...

2008-01-17T20:11:00.000-05:00

Well as promised I am trying to write a little more at this time. Life is still going ok at this time. I recently did end up getting my promotion at work. It's hectic right now as I am having to learn a whole bunch of new things and I have more responsibility, but of course I am also getting more money which is nice. It comes at a good time as every year around this time I am reminded how transitioning cost me a career I loved and was great at. Yesterday was the 4 year anniversary of having to tell my boss what was going on, and of course next week is the the anniversary of being asked to leave. It still hurts and probably always will, but you know I have grown so much from the experience, it was the right thing at the time to do, and I am starting to rebuild my career at this time. It's harder for me though now, women don't get the same respect as men still in this day and age. Not to mention I really don't know how much they know about my situation at work, I just choose not to bring it up, I am me, the person who happens to be a tranny, not a tranny first. But if they do it also becomes a hindrance in moving up. I am very proud of myself though for being able to move up if they do know. It's good to know that if they do know I've worked hard enough to overcome any misgivings they may have against the t world, and that it doesn't matter to them enough to hold me back. It's nice to not feel like I have to be always looking over my shoulder waiting to be approached by a member of management to take me into the back and have a little talk. I look forward to the challenge of the new position and have to remember that in the small town I work in that I am somewhat of an ambassador of others on the journey, but not to overburden myself so much by thinking I am so important that everyone is going to base the whole community on my actions. Basically I just need to continue being myself, work hard and leave the purple mini and 6 inch heels at home.

Last week was my birthday and it was ok in some aspects but mainly it sucked. It was good in the way that I got to do something fun in going to the casino to play a little bingo and some slots. I don't know why but I have become fond of the bingo, not that I've won anything yet, but what else can you do at the casino for 4 hours and only spend $20? I again didn't win, but had an ok time. I also was given some free slot play from the casino along with a little money I brought and played quite a long time. After hours of play, eating using my points and a birthday coupon, I left with only $5 less of my slot money then I walked in with, not a bad day. The bad part was I went alone. None of my friends were able to go as it was a normal workday for most people, so I can't really be mad at anyone, it's just tough to not be able to share a good time with someone. A beautiful sunset is nice, but if you don't have someone to share it with it's just not the same. I guess I'm just a little lonely right now. It's been such a long time since someone has loved me romantically for who and what I am. It's a tough life but one that I had no choice but to live, maybe someday love will find me again, yes I said find because right now I'm too afraid to go looking, there's less chance of being hurt that way.

Saturday was great as I had it off too which is an oddity and I got to go watch my daughter play basketball. I am so proud of her, she isn't very good yet, but she tries like hell which is the important part. So few kids who play sports will do it as a job latter in life, but all kids can learn from sports how to work together with others and more importantly the determination it takes to get through this tough thing we call life. I hope she sticks with it and gets the lessons I did when I played sports, lessons that if I hadn't learned might have cost me my life. I've been through so many days when I just wanted to give up the fight, drive off the bridge, lay down and die, but I didn't and I credit those lessons for that fact. Love of course has a great deal to do with it too of course, as much as I've always hated myself, I've known deep down that no matter what I am loved. I don't know why because they say you can't be loved until you learn to love yourself, maybe I'm the exception to the rule, the 1 in 10,000? Why not I've already fallen into that lucky person elsewhere in life.

Oh well enough rambling, I need to recharge after getting my brains scrambled learning my new responsibilities....

Love to all and of course take care...

It's been too long...

2008-01-03T15:02:00.000-05:00

Ok so I took like half a year off from writing here, not that too many people noticed, I don't have the readership I once had. Maybe because I don't have the energy I once had to write all the time. Life's been good, and good life makes a bad blog. I have been working on a few projects here and there, nothing to write home about. Life hasn't been all roses, but it's allot better off then what it used to be.

The screaming is done, no more "voices" screaming that even though every thing seemed ok it was all wrong. I am physically complete and working on the mental side of life now. I had a good time playing in a women's softball league for the first time and look forward to playing in two different leagues this year. I'm also debating on going back and playing a little hockey as well.

On the cause front, Court and I started a team for the MS walk in May to honor Dr. Petits family. We were hoping to get a large team and raise a good amount of money but so far interest is little if any. We'll have to keep trying, that man gave allot to our community it would be nice to try and give some back.

On the social front, what social front, I work, I come home, I work the next day. Every now and then I go play bingo at the casino(yeah I was a little old lady trapped in a mans body I guess.) No love interests at this time which sucks, but at least I don't have to worry about getting my heart broken I guess.

Work is good for the most part, other than the few assholes that have a problem with me. I've tried to be stealth, but in this day and age it's pretty impossible, it's too small a world. I don't ever deny being what I am, I'm too proud of surviving all I've been through, I just don't go around talking about it. Of course you always have some people that are so insecure with their own life that they need to have problems with other people's lives and cause trouble. There's been some shit said right in front of me that bothered me a great deal, but not enough to ask for heads to roll. If I go around bitching over ever little comment that gets made about me that I happen to over hear pretty soon I'm going to be labeled a complainer and will have to watch my back. Let the assholes have their opinions, let them say little cute things thinking they are hurting me. Truth is words only hurt if you let them, and mean people win only when you let them as well. The best way to deal with an asshole is just ignore them, sooner or latter they get bored and move on to the next person. I've been through too much to let some little haters get me down. I'm not the first person like me at my company, and I'm sure as hell I won't be the last. Pretty soon I should be moving up to a new position, while the jerks who have a problem with me are left behind, my my fitting isn't it?

I will try to write more this year, hopefully not of bad things but of good, even if it is boring. It's odd when you stop and think about it how so many people start off the new year hoping for so much. Maybe that's why the holidays are so depressing for some people? They start the year with big ideas on how this will be the year that changes everything and then when it doesn't happen and the year closes out it becomes depressing. The same could be said on why birthdays are so depressing, another year older and not much has changed. I'm lucky as my birthday comes up a little after the new year so I get all the depressing stuff done early. This year though I not hoping that this will be the year it all comes together. No this will be the year were I plan to take things as they come, to enjoy what I accomplish instead of fretting over what was left undone. This year will be what it will be ,nothing can be done to change it, what I can change is how I look at it and hopefully by December it will have been a fun ride.

Love to all and of course take care.

Power Reading...

2007-07-31T13:53:00.001-04:00

Ok I admit it I AM A GEEK, at least when it comes to stuff like scifi or reading, especially the Harry Potter books. I usually just stick my nose in them and read them till my eyes just want to pop out of my head or I finish, whichever comes first. Sunday during my lunch I finally went out and bought the Deathly Hallows the last book in the series. I wanted to go out and buy it right away when it came out, but for some reason a little voice said "no wait, it will still be there." So I waited until Sunday. I read for a few hours that night, another 3 or so before work yesterday, another 5 hours last night and finally finished it today with a little less than 2 hours of reading. After finishing it I was satisfied yet sad that there would be no more adventures to read about involving them, and looked for the litterary lessons held within. I believe that all good stories have more to the story than just what is written on the pages, there is so much more between the lines of a good work, many things that you can learn about yourself.

Rowlings books to me have held many simularities to WWII Europe and the struggle of good vs evil and the whole race of superiority. The death eaters are Voldermort's SS of sorts, instead of a swatstika they have the dark mark, and of course both leaders of evil are mad. She also though seemed to touch a little in the last two books on the whole climate in the US after 9/11. How society was frightened by horrible actions and all the government seemed to do is offer silly new laws that were to protect us, by taking away some of our freedoms. Don't get me wrong, I love our country and I believe full heartedly that we had no choice but to chase down the Taliban in Afganistan after those events. I support our troops, I have several relatives serving over there right now. I just never understood the whole Iraq thing. They had nothing to do with 9/11 yet they used the fevor caused by it to justify going in. And now I hate to say we can't just leave, we've got a big mess to clean up, one we created. Anyway way off tangent there, but I don't want to be seen as just being anti-Bush, anti-US, anti-war. War is unfortunately a necessary thing sometimes to fight off evil, it just gets hard sometimes figuring out which side is good and which side is evil. I think the whole feel of the last two books is kind of like what we are feeling in the western world today. So much pain and fear abound for our troops, and our own saftey as monsters are now targeting civilans. I only wish there were some of the good magic in the books around in our world, it might be a better place.

I found it funny after talking to Co that I finished the book on Harry's birthday, see maybe that little voice belonged to Professor Trelawney, figuring if I bought it on the 29th I'd finish on the 31st.(see I told you I was a geek) Whatever the reason it was a good journey and a coincidental ending of my reading enjoyment.

Spoiler Alert-

Beware to those who the ending don't want to know,

of the words that lie below.

Ok I just had to put some of the details about what happens in the book are you ready.
Harry turns 17, him and his best buds head out on a journey to complete the job given to him by Dumbeldore, bad guys die, good guys die, death everywhere, questions are answered and of course a final showdown the end.

You really thought I was going to take all the enjoyment out of it. Read it yourself you lazy muggle.

Not since 9/11...

2007-07-24T15:49:00.000-04:00

I cannot fully explain the pain, sorrow and shock that are in my heart right now as I try to process the horrible story about a great man and his family. Yesterday 2 monsters that are wastes of flesh and bone showed just how evil a human can be to another. My poor Dr, a man I admire and quite plainly believe to be the nicest Dr. I've even had the pleasure of being a patient of, lost his family to the horrible acts of two evil individuals. They broke into his bouse, beat him about the head(I have a friend who has connections with the local pd that actually told me they tortured him throughout the night), sexually assaulted his family, stole their money, and set the house on fire leaving them all for dead. Unfortunately my Dr was the only one to make it out alive.

I can't imagine the pain he must be enduring right now. If I lost my family I would be broken inside. I can't say for sure, and hopefully will never have to endure such pain, but I think I'd go out buy a gun and shoot the mf's up. I can't try to understand the mix of sorrow, pain and anger he must be feeling right now.

It is such a terrible act no matter who it happened to, but this man is so kind. He was the one who was the gatekeeper for me getting on hormones. He was the one who made it possible for me to be the woman I am today. He was always patient and would go out of his way to discuss things with you. Several times I would bring to him questions about my meds and dosages and if we could try different things and he would take the time to go over the plus's and minus's of them. Even when I went in for my last appointment, which was with his nurse, he took the time to come see me before I left because he knew it was my first visit after my surgery. He spent over 10 minutes just talking to me about things and making sure I was ok, along with getting my report on my surgeon so they could reccomend him if someone was looking for a different surgeon.

I haven't felt this way since that fateful day when the towers fell and we found out we weren't as safe as we thought we were. Today I went around in the same daze I felt in the days following those tragic events and pondered what I wanted out of life, and tried to figure out what path I needed to take. Today there are no new paths to take, my mental well being is so much better than it was back then as I have found comfort in my own skin. I have a heavy heart though as I mourn for a man and his family that helped me find this comfort. I do need to do something I just haven't figured out what yet. Maybe it's time to make a bigger push to get a team to walk for diabeties for the fall walk and name the team in the family's honor? I don't know, but I do know the best way to defeat evil is with kindness, I just don't know if there is enough kindness to ever combat such evil.

Love to all and of course take care....

Dealing with fear...

2007-07-16T07:48:00.000-04:00

Mom and I finally went and visited my ill aunt in the nursing home the other day. I had tried to go previously by myself, but found myself unable to muster up the courage to do so. I don't know if it was visiting someone who was dieing when I still have my own guilt issues for surviving something that should have left me dead. Or maybe having to explain the whole trans thing to someone on their deathbead. I am not ashamed of what I am, but I do feel it's not right to burden someone who is dealing with the issues of their life ending with having to deal with the fact I was not what they thought me to be, and to figure out their own feelings. It should be their time to deal with wrapping up anything in their own life, not a time to deal with new issues.

Any way I stopped be a big pussy and I went with mom to see them. Unfortunately my aunt was out of it due to the morphine they were giving her and I didn't get a chance to talk to her at all. She seemed to be struggling to breath so much, even with the assistance of a forced ventilator and the oxygen. I thought she was going to pass when we were there. Speaking of looks, my uncle has such a look of fear when he looked at me. He couldn't make eye contact, speak to me, or even come close to me. He looked like if I got too close he might catch what I had. I understand he was dealing with the fact his wife was lying there about to die and he was seeing her struggling as I was, but I still can't get that look out of my head. My uncle was a military man, a real tough guy and not afraid of much, but the look in his eyes when he looked at me, he looked like a little kid who just saw the boogey monster. I still don't know if the fear was directed at me, or for her passing, maybe both.

Unfortunately Saturday morning she passed away, actually with the amount of pain she appeared to be in, well she's comfortable now. My uncle, dad and stepmom were there with her, so she did not die alone, which is comforting to me. Being alone when I die is one of my biggest fears. Anyway arrangements have been made and this week the funeral and wake will be held. Now I find myself afraid yet again. I'm not sure how the other realtives on my dad's side that don't know about me are going to react. I don't want to be a distraction from an event that should be celebrating a great woman and her life. I don't want to see fear in other people's eyes when they meet me. Passing amongst the general population is cake most the time, dealing with your family is hell. I don't want to be he'd or Scott'd, I don't want to sit there and answer questions, deal with stares and condisending eyes. Yet I do want to say goodbye to an aunt I loved dearly. She was a person who taught me about music and cookies, oh how she loved to bake. She and my uncle taught me about perserverance as they tried so hard to have a kid and eventually did. She was such a pleasant person to be around and had a habbit of lighting up a room when she entered it. I'm sure if she were able to talk to me about my transtion I have a feeling she would have had something nice to say about it, she might not have understood why I did what I did, but she would have had some sort of support for me. I will have to decide how to handle the family events coming up.

Dealing with her illness, my dad not telling them until this time and seeing my uncle has sparked a poem. I haven't written in so long and I needed to get my feelings about fear out in the open. We all have our own fears, and a big one of mine is my family at times, and their own feelings over my own. It will take some time to beat this fear, but I am sure once I do there will be yet another fear to conquer, there always is. This life is about learning, and the best way to learn about our fears is by beating them. Enjoy.

FEAR

A nasty little four letter word
Hell-bent on letting you lock yourself away
In a prison of your own making.
It’s that little voice that makes you doubt
All you know you can do.
It’s a distraction
An excuse
A disease if you let it
That keeps us from being
All we can be
From doing all we can do
From living life to it’s fullest.

Fear is an illusion.
It makes us walk away from love
It’s what keeps us from asking questions
Learning new things
It’s that black nasty monster
That keeps us from meeting new people
Trying new things.

Fear makes people grow apart
Distant
It has us grow inward
Not outward.
It sends us backwards
Not forwards.
It holds us back in our own little zones of comfort
Which over time
Become
Smaller &
Smaller
It’s a premature death
That can leave us
Longing,
Alone,
Unable.

We alone can conquer it
So we can live our lives to their fullest
Experience all live has to offer
And die with few regrets.

Just need to rant...

2007-06-30T06:49:00.000-04:00

Well things overall are going ok, I just need to rant about those things that aren't right now. I know things could be worse but to be dealing with some of this stuff years after my transition is frustrating. You see my favorite aunt on my dad's side is very ill, and nobody on my dad's side knows that I am now Ashley, they still think I'm good old Scott. I've offered to send out Christmas letters, or other ways to come out to the members of his family that matter, and he has been against it. I love my dad so I've listened like a good girl, but now here we are with a situation that one of my loved ones is ill and isn't going to come out of it, and I feel so powerless. I feel like somehow I'm supposed to feel ashamed for what I am, why else hide it from your own family? But I refuse to feel ashamed for being something I am proud of surviving. My dad said he would talk to my uncle and aunt about the whole thing so I could go see her before it was too late. Luckily my sister thought my dad had already spoken to them and inadvertantly spilled the beans. Whether or not her intentions were good or not one will never know,I have a feeling she was telling them hoping they would have a problem with it like she does. I'm sure with her telling the tale she put it in not the best light, but I got a call from dad yesterday giving me the go ahead for going to visit her, they are ok with it. The only problem is now, I'm sick with a sinus infection and have to wait a few days so the meds can kick in, which brings us to rant #2.

I've had the same doctor since I was 18, he's been good to me over the years, and after finding out about my trans issues offered his help in any way. That was until I tried to get him to pull out my stitches, yeah any way but that. Yesterday I had to go see him for the first time since after my surgery last year, I've had a very healthy year indeed. Well I call, and his receptionist gives me a tude, which is normal for her I guess, but when I see the good doc, he has a tude too. No questions on how I'm healing, how I've been, doing etc. No apologies for canceling my appointment to take out my stitches when I was on my way to his office. No small talk at all trans or otherwise. I know he has another trans patient who is pre op last I knew, you'd think he might want some info for that patient, nope, nadda, nothing. "Yep, your sick, here's a prescription, here's a note for work, give me your $30 and get out." I think it may be time to start looking for a new doctor, one who's mouth doesn't write checks his ass can't cash.

Speaking of checks, ah forget it, don't want to bitch about work here too much, might be that last bit of information completing the puzzle which blows my cover. Let's just say there are some people that shouldn't be in the position they are in corporate america. You know the kind where you can tell if they are lieing because their lips are in motion.

Anyway I apologize for barely touching base on some of this shit, I'm still under the weather and not at my best this morning.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Dealing with guilt and the lesbianism of George Clooney...

2007-06-16T20:32:00.000-04:00

Fathers day for me this year is bringing guilt for some reason. For the few years I was a father before my transition I was so proud on father's day. I was a proud pappa to say the least, I was a provider for my family, I was there when the kids were born, even assisting in my sons birth. I still have the t-shirts I made for both of my kids births with their footprints on the back. I was a good husband(I think) and was an all around good, yet miserable inside, guy. Now a few years latter and a feel as a failure as a parent. I get to see my kids on the weekend, I'm hardly making ends meet and not able to do what I'd like to do for my kids. I'm biologically their father, but now physically female, which of course ruins the whole good husband thingy. I feel both left out of what once was my close family unit and guilty like I've let them down somehow just because I couldn't somehow find a way to make it as a man. I know it's a catch 22, this is what was dealt for me and I really had no control over it, but I feel like I've dragged them into this along with me.

My son graduated from preschool the other day and to celebrate Co took them to Chuck e cheese. I didn't go since my mother in law was going too, and we haven't talked since Co and I sold the house. I really didn't think it was the time or the place to see her for the first time post transition since it was a celebration for my son, but I still felt so left out. My daughter just finished her school year as well and for her good report card and making it to the 4th grade I'm going to take the imitative and take her to a CT Sun game this week. That way I get to plan the whole thing and not have to worry about upsetting other people. I'll have to figure a way to celebrate with my son down the road. I'm just hoping these blahs go away after father's day.

As for the George Clooney reference, I went out with the girls after our last softball game and got involved in a really odd conversation for me. I'm used to the guys talking about hot chicks at the bar after a game, but not the girls. Well all the girls I went out with the other night play for the other team so to speak and they got to talking about hot chicks (really I'm not lieing lesbians playing softball.) I was a little uneasy at first not knowing what to say, but soon I joined in with my choices as well. As the conversation went on it turned to the question of what male celebrity would you have sex with, and George Clooney was an overwhelming favorite. I was amazed as he is one of the males I find myself attracted to as well. What is it about him we may never know, but 4 out of 5 lesbians that would consider sex with a man agree that they'd have sex with George Clooney, with or without the Dentene...

Love to all and of course take care...

Mutterings of a contemplating mind.

2007-05-23T12:07:00.000-04:00

Well I finally went and did it. After a few years of struggling and doing it in little drips and drabs I finally finished my book. It's funny how I have that same odd sense I had 9 months ago after surgery of there being no climax where I expected one. Life did not change much after surgery, there were no fireworks, nothing out of the ordinary other than pain and a quieting of "the voices." It is such with the book, I have been working so hard on it driven by some unseen force almost to get my story out, like I was supposed to do it to help someone. Now that I'm done I see I have indeed helped someone, myself. Putting down my emotions, my close calls with death and tragedy and going back to revisit them, even though they are painfull at times, is good for my mental well being. I have survived much and am still here, I can look back on what I've done and gain strength from lessons learned and continue to do more. I can hopefully take some of my knowledge and help those who will surely come on this journey after.

This was no fun trip, it is nothing to be celebrated or to take much joy in. Other than the fact I was able to get through it somehow with the help of love and friendship. Much has been lost and will never be the same, but much has been learned at the same time. While I don't wish this trip on anyone I know that there are more out there like myself, and I'm sure some of them are alone and are wishing and praying for help. I can't open myself right now, maybe ever again to trying to save the world. I've been hurt too much by letting the wrong people in too close. Maybe my way of helping others is the book? But I risk everything in publishing it, I value my privacy believe it or not. I merely want to be known as Ashley the person, not the tranny. I am not ashamed of being a tranny mind you, it's just when you say that you are to the general public they get this picture of you that is not kind. I know it sounds cowardly, and how are people's minds going to change if they don't see us trannies who aren't like the ones they see on Springer or sitcoms? I don't have the balls to be an activist though (trust me they're in some medical testing lab right now) I don't want to be in the spotlight, hell I don't even want to be on the stage. Yet there is some sense of duty, or some force driving me that way. What if Christine Jorgenson never took the courage to tell the world what she had done? What if Harry Benjamin just told the trannies they were nuts instead of having the courage to try and help them? I know I'm no where near as significant as these two go in the realm of T'ville, but then comes the another question. What if Jan Morris hadn't published her book, or Calpernia hers? What would my path had been if I had not had these books intersect my life at times when I had given up hope and was ready to throw it all away? What if I had not been saved by these words of comfort by other people? Maybe there is another in the same boat waiting for my story to enter their life at the right time, maybe they are the next big thing to help our community down the road, and they themselves need a little help right now. I'm not trying to recruit people into this, just merely let them know there are others feeling what they've felt, a comfort to bring them back from thinking it's better to kill oneself than to be a tranny.

You see it has occurred to me that we are all connected and not just in our community. Each of us touches others around us in ways we don't even know. Each of us has a job to do to either leave this world a little better place, or a worse one if we don't care. I still haven't figured out my job yet, maybe I already did it and I'm just supposed to coast through life, maybe I failed and it's too late. It's funny not knowing what your job in the world is, you keep looking for it not knowing if you've done it, or if the it's you've already done were the right or wrong ones. I'm not sure yet what I'm going to do, we'll see how my 2 test readers react to the book and go from there. I've written the thing, it was helpfull to me in doing it, so at the very worse I saved some money on therapy.

After writing so many pages of my own thoughts and words I felt it was time to read someone elses, so I read the 5th book in the Harry Potter series "Order of the Phoenix." It was very good for a kids book, I'd see all 4 movies leading up to this book, but never read the books. I was glad I decided to try one out, I found myself totally imersed in it, and with my addictive personality read it front to back Starting Sat afternoon and finishing it off at 3am this morning. I would have liked to read it faster but I had to work all the days I was reading and was only to do my reading before and after work along with my lunch hour. I don't know what kind of spell Rowling put on that book, but for me to read 870 pages in that short amount of time impresses me. She is truly a gifted writer, or knows how to cast a real spell herself on her readers. Anyway it was cleansing for my mind to be imersed in a world of muggles and wizards, murder and magic. I also have a new kinship with Harry. There is this reluctant way to him that he didn't ask for all this to happen to him, but for some reason it was just destined to be. He wants nothing more than to be normal, to not be so special. He feels like he is from another race altogether from his clasmates and such, and knows that no matter what he does his path is nothing he can change. This is exactly as I feel. I wish so often I could have just been normal like everyone else, but for some reason I was chosen for this path. Maybe next life I could be chosen for a path of being a hot blonde who wins the lottery a couple times and never gets fat no matter what she eats, that would be a nice path indeed.

I'll let you know what I decide to do on the book if I do decide to publish it, I'm sure I'm going to have to do allot of reaching out to get the word out there, don't want to miss that person that might just need it..... Super Ashley, UP, UP AND AWAY!!..... (just kidding)

Love to all and of course take care...

Just checking in...

2007-05-14T10:55:00.000-04:00

Not much going on lately, been working, playing softball, working on the house and when I can I spend a little time working on the book as well. I'm almost done, I'm actually almost up to 2 years ago in the computer, and 1 year ago on paper. At one point I had actually finished the entire part of putting in on paper, but then my dreams had to come true, I had to get my surgery and totally changed the last chapter of the book which I had finished in fall of 2005.

For the most part work has been uneventfully busy. We've been down a person or two in my department so I've been too busy to get into any trouble. I'm still missing one of my best friends at work who left us awhile back. She got her job in the therapist field and hasn't looked back yet. I'm so glad for her, yet so sad that I don't get to have stimulating conversations on level we had. Hopefully I'll get to see her soon outside of work. We keep trying to connect to go blading but it never works out. Speaking of blading I did a 10 mile trex a few weeks back and it felt good. I'm thinking I'd like to try and work my way up to doing a 26.5 mile excursion by the end of summer, but first need to do something to my skates so I don't blister as bad after doing so. I've been working my way up from 4 to 6 and now 10 miles so I don't see why 26.5 should be a problem. It's merely a number, a number that is the distance of a marathon, but still just a number. I got such a high from doing 10 that I'm looking forward to see what I get after doing more mileage, I'll keep you up to date.

As for softball, it was as I expected, I'm an average player. Ok I'm a little bit better than average defensively, it's my past experience as a hockey goalie. I tend to suck up everything hit my way, I just need to work on my throwing. At the plate, I hit average, maybe less than. I don't have a big muscular body, never did, so I can't hit for power. I just try to hit the ball towards where they aren't and then run like hell. So far I'm 2 for 5 or .400 with an on base percentage of .600 and 3 RBIs. Nothing stellar, it's just slow pitch softball after all. Last game I pulled my groin pretty bad but expect to be playing soon. Court got hurt worse and I had to take her to the er over at Middlesex to be looked at. It sounded like the start of a bad joke, 3 trannies walk into Middlesex hospital..... Haven't figured out the punchline yet on that one though. She's ok but will take more time to heal. We are both enjoying playing though. To me it's another rite of passage, playing women's sports. There's something about sports I've always loved, I think it's the thought of a group of individuals working towards a common goal that I love. These girls may or may not know about me but they treat me as one of their own, which after all is all I ever wanted in life, to be "normal" and fit in. There is something so lesbian though about softball. You pick up this phallic looking bat, which is kept before the game in a bag with other bats, like they're some kind of harvest ripped from the groins of the male oppressors. You then take the aforementioned bats and try like hell to smack a ball that has all these stitches over it to hold it together in some gruesome Frankenstein way. It's like along with the phallus they took the teste's, stitched them together and decided to show the men what should be done with their equipment. Odd analogy but it really fits considering most of the gals playing would love to do such a thing. Or maybe it's the pain meds I've been taking for the groin pull.

Oh well going to try and get some stuff done on my day off, maybe write some more of the book. Until next time be good.

Love to all and of course take care.

Funny little moments...

2007-04-24T19:52:00.000-04:00

Life has been ok lately, not too good, not too bad, just sort of in cruise control which is good. I've been spending most of my time moving me and mom to the upstairs apartment as of late, which has been quite a chore, but has allowed me some artistic release in doing the necessary remodeling before our move. No rest for the wicked, but life is still sending me little funny moments.

The other day mom was helping me gather some of my "beauty" stuff to bring up and she saw my multipack of douce. She procedes to tell me that I "douce too much, your gonna get an infection." I was blown away, all the other mother/daughter douce conversations I'd seen(masengil commercials) had the mom in more of a supportive role, not condoning. I guess instead of a "mom I don't feel so fresh" moment it was a "hun your too fresh" moment. I briefly explained it was part of my after care due to the lube and dialation routine. These things never enter your mind when one transitions, I couldn't prepare for such a surreal moment if I wanted to, but man it was a nice little laugh.

Also thanks to my little brother, I found my youngest ex-step-brother on myspace. I had to know how things were going for him and my his brother. So I sent him a message asking. His reply "yeah it's me your ex-step brother, by the looks of things allot has changed in your world..." Understated but true, at least it wasn't an "f u u freak, stay away!" and his comment brought a smile to my face.

Other than that softball starts up soon, and I'm more than a bit nervous. Other than the ladies room it's my first trex into girls only space. I feel a little guilty like I have some sort of advantage, but then I remember I sucked at men's softball, so it's not like I'm a ringer or anything. I'm a somewhat skinny approaching middle aged woman who luckily is built more like gal than a guy, always have been, maybe that's why I sucked so bad before. Anyway I'm gonna tred lightly and hope I fit in. It could be a very good time and learning experience. It amazes me how in my late mid thirties I'm getting to experience the things I feel I was denied in my youth. Being part of a team was so important to me in the old male days, now I get to see the female side of sports. I only can hope the gals except me and the big scary dykes don't try to pick me up.

Love to all and until next time take care.

Reflecting....

2007-03-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

Been spending allot of time reflecting on things as of late, mostly how the more things change the more they stay the same. My sister is at it again, she called me the other day to tell me I was not invited to my niece's christening. She says she's just not adjusted yet and I need to give her more time. I told her it's been over 3 years now and there comes a time where either you accept things or you don't. I just am not sure what I'm going to do about her, I've been patient and I understand this is a hard thing to accept I just wish she could be as brutally honest with herself as she seems to be with me. She needs to look inside and decide how to deal with things, I can't do it for her.

I've also gone back and edited all the chapters of my book I've input into the computer and printed it out. All I have to do now is take the other chapters I have on paper and put them in as well. I need to finish it for some reason even if I never publish. It has been a good way to vent, to see how far I've come, to be able to look back and see how much I've accomplished, how much I have learned and most importantly how much I am loved. It's an odd and narcasitic exercise I know, but it is I feel a necessary one none the less.

Also I finally decided to read a book I bought for Co years ago, "She's not there" by Jenny Boylan. I had put it off because Co had told me that the story mirrored our own so much. There were so many things she saw in Jenny that she also saw in me. So much she saw in Jenny's wife Grace that she saw in herself. I didn't want to corrupt my own writing by reading something so simular. I haven't been able to put it down. There are so many simularites between us, yet there are of course differences to say the least. I am not now or do I ever think I will be a famous author who knows fabulous people and goes to exotic locations. I'm blue collar only somewhat college educated and don't have a single famous friend. I do however feel a kinship to her as I do with so many in our tribe. I think it's great that there are others like myself and Court that have done this even though we have small children. I also feel so much pain for the spouses of those like us. What pain and turmoil they must go through. To have something ripped away from you like that, wondering if it was you that caused it. Having to cheer on someone you love take from you everything you held dear while you are left alone and unsure.

I do wish things could have been different not only for Co and I but for the Courtneys, the Jennys and Graces of the world as well. Yet in saying that I know that deep down in all the turmoil, pain and suffering all involved go through. I can't think of a life without all the lessons I've learned. I can't think of a life without Co and my children. I don't want to imagine not knowing what I know of love, of what it means to be yourself to take a chance and follow your dreams. I am a stronger person for this much in the way one strengthens steel. Through the process of fire and cold I have become the second strongest person I know, I've had the pleasure of being married to the strongest one. I don't know what the future has in store for us, all I know is I hope and pray every day that we do it together. Soon we will have to make a decision on whether or not we persue divorce or try to make this new thing work. Whatever we decide I'm sure we will do it together and support each other as we always have.

Anyway enough blabbering for today I have to go back and read some more and get ready for work tonight. I got stuck closing so it's going to be a long day.

Love to all and of course take care.

2007-03-01T19:22:00.000-05:00

Well It's been awhile since I've written and thought it was time to catch up. Lifes been in sort of cruise control as of late. Been working only the one job so I feel a bit lazy of late. But overall work is good. In fact I came out of sorts to a girl at work who is a close friend and is getting her masters in psychology. I don't know exactly how we got on the subject but one day it turned to the difference between transexuals and crossdressers. Now this is a touchy subject for me I never really considered myself a crossdresser in the classical way if there is such a thing. I belive there are 2 types of cd's those who do it to get their jollies and the latter like myself who do it in a quest to figure out if they really want to transition. Anyway I started talking about people I knew who were both and shared a little too much knowledge I guess. Anyway she is very cool with it, and was amazed that I have been able to adapt so well. As luck would have it she is also doing a big project on the subject for school and has borrowed some books and been asking allot of questions on the subject, not too much personally, just about the whole thing and process.

I don't know why I chose to come clean with her, maybe I just needed someone to know my pain a little? Maybe it's because I know the current psychologist for GICNE is closing in on retirement and they need a new one? Who knows maybe she would be interested in treating people like me? We need more caregivers that is a given. So far it's been a little freeing, someone found out at work and really doesn't care, it is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I am concerned though about more people finding out at work, not so much for me, but because there is a guy at work that was and maybe still is interested in me. I don't want him to be hurt by being teased that he is interested in a tranny. He is a good friend and a really nice person, we went out a few times on a friendly basis, but I can tell there is some more feelings there on his end. I don't want to make his life more difficult so I've been keeping my distance to a point where we stay friends. Maybe someday the time will be right for me to tell him, right now he's been through allot just going through a tough divorce, and I'm not sure I'm wanting to go down the hetero relationship route. I still have feelings for Co, and I still find women very attractive so I'm not getting into anything with anyone right now. If I were to sleep with anyone I'd have to tell them, so right now there's no reason to say anything.

Otherwise I'm trying to figure out my next step in life. I love my job hate my pay. I'm tired of being broke, but don't really want to go back into sales, that is except for my old love pet related sales. I'd love to be back hawking food or treats or something pet related, right now though theres not much out there in that field. I'd love to still be doing my old job, but the chances of that happening are about the same of mr happy growing back. I'm thinking about going back to school, but not sure what I want to do. I need time to figure it out. At the same time I'm trying to figure out the personal side of my life. I hate being alone but don't know if it's time to just move on from things of old and onto new possibilites. It's an odd place right now, I've acheived my dream, gone through the fire and made it out the other side, a little crispy but still alive. A part of me never thought I'd make it this far, but I always kept hope alive, I just never put too much thought about what to do after. I've got lots to think about, but I'm sure what ever I do I will find new joys around every corner.

I've wanted to share this song for awhile, and now seems as good time as any. Like I said I'm trying to figure shit out after acheiving my goals, and this song is about that along with being a bit lonely. I guess it just doesn't effect those of us unlucky enough to be trans, even hairy chested pop rock stars get the blues too. Enjoy

I Am ... I Said
Neil Diamond

LA's fine, sunshine most of the time
The feeling islaid back
Palm trees grow and the rents are low
Butyou know I keep thinking about
Making my way back
Well, I'm New York City born and raised
Butnowadays, I'm lost between two shores
LA's fine,but it ain't home
New York's home but it ain't mine no more
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
Leavin' me lonely still
Did you ever read about a frog who dreamed of being a king
And then became one
Well, except for the names and a few other changes
If you talk about me, the story's the same one
But I got an emptiness deep inside
And I've tried but it won't let me go
And I'm not a man who likes to swear
But I've never cared for the sound of being alone
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair
I am, I cried
I am, said I
And I am lost, and I can't even say why
I am, I saidI am,
I criedI am...

Love to all and of course take care.

Hello darkness my old friend...

2007-02-02T19:22:00.000-05:00

Things are mostly ok, but I've been pretty down as of late. Not sure if it's my Seasonal Affect Disorder, or maybe my hormones are just out of whack. Whatever it is life is not really all that fun right now. I'm sure like most things in my life this too shall pass. At least I hope so.

No matter what after being through so much turmoil and learning what I've learned the only way to get through the rough times is to sit back and ride the wave to shore. No need in fighting it, just hang on and learn along the way. I hope the landing is kind to me. Until then I'm just gonna sit back and get through these rough times that come with any life....

Sound of silence
Simon & Garfunkel

Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
'Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

"Fools", said I, "You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you"
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls"
And whispered in the sounds of silence

Love to all and of course take care.

Life...

2007-01-10T17:01:00.000-05:00

Alas, I find it more and more difficult to write here anymore. This blog was my way of venting as I went through my big transition, mostly tg/ts issues(i don't like either term they both bring venom out of some people).

But as I stand on the other side of the looking glass I see that all life is about transition, yes some people like me go through a little more than most, but everyone has to deal with change in their life. And for me it was a hard change. I find it harder and harder to write about things now, I'm trying to live what I can of a normal life, I am so much more than any one label can give justice too. Yes I am tg/ts(I hear teeth gnashing) and I always will be, but I like to think of it as "What I am is what I am." I pretend to be nothing, I am me, the good the bad and the ugly. If I concentrate on any aspect too much I am destined to be stuck in a rut, limiting myself by giving myself an excuse for pre-failure.

I have been blessed in many ways, and cursed in many as well. I am lucky though in the fact I blend for the most part. I'm not 6'5" with linebacker shoulders, I have enough wits about me to get by and haven't been too emotionally scared that I can't function or have the need to drown my sorrows in alcohol, yes I am indeed lucky. But I still have my issues, we all do.

For now life is good, I have challenges and battles I still need to wage, but overall the storm seems to subsiding(idiot, now watch it rise up again.) This place will always be a part of my life, but it will be a somewhat smaller part of my life.

I'm keeping the page up for when I need to check in or occasionally vent when life kicks me down, but I won't be posting like I did in the past. Heck I haven't posted in almost a month. I needed and still need this outlet, but as life slowly starts to heal what it can of my wounds I'll most likely be here less and less. Life has been a beautiful thing so far, chaotic and hard, but looking back it all seemed to work somehow, someway. I hope it will continue to amaze me with it's artful dance of surprise, lessons, experiences and most importantly growth.

I'll keep updating from time to time, but for now it's time to hit the cruise and enjoy life for however long the lull in the tempest lasts.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Christmas carols?...

2006-12-04T10:48:00.000-05:00

This time of year you hear so many Christmas songs where ever you seem to go. Well other than the classics ther is one that says it all. This song is great not only about Christmas but in life in general. In a time where we see so much want about we need to think that no matter what we seem to get what is truely important in life. This past year I finally got what I truely wanted for so long and found out it was what I needed as well. While I would have prefered different circumstances, maybe a more elagant recovery situation, or even more work done, I do have to say looking back it was exactly what I needed.

You can't always get what you want...
The Rolling Stones

I saw her today at a reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she would meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

I saw her today at the reception
A glass of wine in her hand
I knew she was gonna meet her connection
At her feet was her footloose man

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Oh yeah, hey hey hey, oh...

And I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
Sing it to me now...

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need
Oh baby, yeah, yeah!

I went down to the Chelsea drugstore
To get your prescription filled
I was standing in line with Mr. Jimmy
And man, did he look pretty ill
We decided that we would have a soda
My favorite flavor, cherry red
I sung my song to Mr. Jimmy
Yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was "dead"
I said to him

You can't always get what you want, no!
You can't always get what you want (tell ya baby)
You can't always get what you want (no)
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need
Oh yes! Woo!

You get what you need--yeah, oh baby!
Oh yeah!

I saw her today at the reception
In her glass was a bleeding man
She was practiced at the art of deception
Well I could tell by her blood-stained hands

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need

You can't always get what you want (no, no baby)
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need, ah yes...

Not in love with life right now...

2006-11-27T18:54:00.000-05:00

Work has been a little tough the last couple of days. Such is life in the life of retail. It's no big deal, but work has been such a good thing up until the last couple of days. Work was the thing that kept the other bad vibes away. With the good vibes at work gone, the other crap is starting to get to me.

I hate being alone, I hate the fact that if most people knew my real story they'd throw me away like a cheap suit. I hate the fact that I had to take this journey, I didn't sign up for it, but alas I ended up here. I hate the fact that it will be difficult for me to ever find someone who will love me for what I truly am. I hate the fact that I had to give up the one job I loved and was made to do.

Alas, I am better today than I was a year ago, and happier than I was in my old life despite my current malaise. For all my troubles I'm going through right now, I am able to take joy that I am me. No more having to covet what I couldn't be, no more 1/4lb of flesh dangling nastily between my legs.

I may be a bit miserable right now, but I'm comfortably miserable knowing what I've overcome, and what I can acheive when I get my energy back.

It was a dark and stormy night...

2006-11-16T06:56:00.000-05:00

Yeah that is how all of snoopy's books began, along with lots of other failed authors. But 4 years ago today it was a dark and stormy night in more ways than one. It was the night I told Co she would be losing a husband. At the same time one of the worse icestorms we ever saw was raging outside.

I cannot explain fully the tremendous guilt I still feel and probably always will. What makes it so hard is I that I loved her and still do. If I didn't care I guess it wouldn't hurt so much.

Anyway one must learn to get over things and grow from pain. But at least for today I'm gonna wallow a bit.

Enjoy the song below, thought it was about time for one.

Moon over Bourbon Street
by Sting

There's a moon over Bourbon Street tonight
I see faces as they pass beneath the pale lamplight
I've no choice but to follow that call
The bright lights, the people, and the moon and all

I pray everyday to be strong
For I know what I do must be wrong

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

It was many years ago that I became what I am
I was trapped in this life like an innocent lamb
Now I can never show my face at noon
And you'll only see me walking by the light of the moon

The brim of my hat hides the eye of a beast
I've the face of a sinner but the hands of a priest

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

She walks everyday through the streets of New Orleans
She's innocent and young from a family of means
I have stood many times outside her window at night
To struggle with my instinct in the pale moonlight

How could I be this way when I pray to god above
I must love what I destroy and destroy the thing I love

Oh you'll never see my shade or hear the sound of my feet
While there's a moon over Bourbon Street

Sorry Co for destroying what we had, hope what we are building from the ashes is even better than what we shared before.

Love to all and of course take care.

It's a girl...

2006-11-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I became an auntie. My little sister brought a little girl into this world, my new little niece. I haven't gone to see them yet, honestly I'm a little conflicted about going to see them. My sister has not hidden her distaste for what I've done in my life, and I have a feeling my little niece will not be around me too much. My sister hasn't told her inlaws about me yet, so I doubt that I'll be invited to things like my niece's christening, or birthdays, etc.

It's hard to be the crazy aunt that gets left out of things. It's not like I've done a horrible thing, it's just I'm embarrassing to my sister. This has been a recurring theme the last 3 years with her. I love her to death, she's my sister no matter what, unfortunately this love doesn't seem to be shared. I may try to go see them today at the hospital, but I'm not sure yet.

On another note one of my friends is undergoing female conversion surgery as I write this w/ Dr. Reed. I'm hoping every thing goes alright for her, and she has no issues. It is a tough surgery and it's a hard recovery.

It amazes me how we are all driven to do something so wrouht with danger and hardship just to be ourselves. Looking back on my own struggle I put myself through physical and emotional hell just to be complete. I recovered from major surgery in a hotel room, and not a real clean hotel room, I had friends pull out my stitches, I even pushed myself to go back to a shitty job early just so I could be me. Not only that I put up with that same job and it's unhealthy conditions just to reach my goal. I tried to make the impossible work and made so much happen. I wish I hadn't experienced some of the pain, but I made it through it anyway. It's amazing to me looking back that I was able to accomplish what I did with everything going on. But also I know that without the bad along with the good I wouldn't be where I am today.

Maybe I can use some of that resolve and turn my sister around and get to be involved in my new niece's life. Maybe she will grow to be an open minded child by knowing me and not be judgemental of people just trying to be true to who and what they are. One can only hope, that is why we as a species put so much time and energy into our children. They are where we put our hopes of making the world right tomorrow where it is wrong today.

Love to all and of course take care.

Writers block...

2006-10-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Lately I find myself in an odd place. I have all this extra energy just boiling in me, but cannot find an outlet. In the past I turned to writing but lately find myself unable to do so. I just cannot let myself be free to write. When I write I do so from emotion and I have to say I have so many emotions flowing through me right now I don't know if I want to open the door and analyze how I feel right now. I feel too fragile to let the damn burst open and let all the emotions out. Once I let myself be open to feel the way I do when I write I can't be sure if I can shut the spigot off.

Yet on the other hand I feel this responsibility to tell my story. I've been through so much, so many different experiences that others have told me need to be shared. I haven't been able to justify though the benefit of bearing my soul in sharing my story. Maybe it would help someone who was like I used to be, afraid and alone, but maybe I could destroy other peoples lives by making this look like a good idea. Or even maybe my writing about my life story is just a narcissistic attempt to have my voice heard and isn't worth the time and the effort in writing it down never mind reading it.

I cannot say which is true. I along with my family have been through a great deal. I have seen things most will never see, and for good reason. I am here merely by the grace and sometimes I think the amusement of God. I have seen God's sense of humor in this life, and have been blessed by being able to survive through it all. I've been high on the mountain top, and at the lowest of low, and yet I'm still here. I've lost allot, but in doing so got everything. I've found the true meaning of love, of hate, and the danger of both.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates, no it's more like driving through a snow storm in New England. Through out life we are surrounded by both the beauty of things like big lacey white flakes of snow thing cling to the landscape and paint a fragile picture upon the landscape, and the danger of things like trying to stop on an icy and hilly road. We are surrounded by both constantly. Life is both precious and precarious, and how we handle it is what makes it what it is.

I'm not sure if I should take the time to continue writing the book, but I do know I have no plans on stopping living life the way it was meant to be. We are here for such a short time, and all we can do is live our lives like each day we live could be our last, and make sure if it did that we would not regret the way we lived it, or left things.

Anyway enough blabbering about the meaning of life, my questions on writing and such. I need to try and funnel this energy and making sure I don't leave any regrets that amount to much. It did help to let a trickle out through my block, I hope it was enough to help me decide my next step.

Love to all and of course take care....

Checking in...

2006-10-10T19:08:00.000-04:00

Well I haven't written lately, not much going on. Just getting accustomed to the new job, and with constant praise instead of criticism. I've so used to walking on eggshells all the time, it's hard to come down off my tippy toes. I was shocked and amused to hear from an ex coworker that they are so desperate for people to pick on that they are telling "stories" about me. She said they were telling a tall tale about the reason I went on vacation was to get a sex-change. She stood up for me and told them they were ridiculous and didn't know what they were talking about. Oh well I guess I truly know who my friends are. Of course it was bothersome that she thought it was a silly scenario, maybe she thinks those people are the ones on Springer, and not the ones you meet in the everyday world?

On a worrisome note, Co went to the Dr. today and he thinks she may have a growth in one of her arms. I am worried sick right now about her. I'm freaking out about the possibility that we have just been through one horrific battle together and now God is about to send another one. While we are no longer together as a couple we are together as soul mates. She is my best friend, and I can't imagine anymore bad things happening to her. She already had to deal with her husband becoming a woman,I don't think it fair to have her dealt another battle in life. She's had enough, we've had enough, I hope it's nothing and God will decide we've had enough hardship for one lifetime.

I'll let you know how things go with her. If you pray, please keep her in your prayers, she means the world to me and more....

Love to all and of course take care....

Demons BE GONE....

2006-09-26T10:43:00.000-04:00

Well I have to say I'm still bothered allot by the events of last week. I keep finding myself almost over things, and then something sets things backwards and I'm dragged back into the turmoil. I've even found myself smoking a bit again, only 2 cigs a day, but it could lead to more if I'm not careful.

I thought I was over things, but as I'm waiting for the hr guy to get back to me to do the exit interview where I hope I can tell the verbal abuse this women did, all these feelings come back of how I let her words hurt me. I really can't say if I'm more upset with the fact she was so mean, or with myself for letting a person like that get to me. I mean other than the fact she was my boss, who the fuck was she? She hadn't gone through the hardships in life I had, she didn't come the ghetto and work her way up, in fact she came from money and had an easy life. Where I had to struggle for all I had achieved with the help of family and friends she was given everything. I worked and worked hard for a living while she bitched about every little thing. I overcame while she was always overwhelmed. Hell I held down 2 jobs and quite successfully until the last few months, and if anyone can blame me for not being at the top of my game when I was going for surgery you can bite me.

One thing that keeps bothering me is her telling me the other day that I "planned this all along." Well I don't know what to say to that. I did take the job because it gave me more free time on nights and weekends to get a 2nd job to work towards my goal of surgery, but at the time I took it I was looking merely towards an orchi. Working this job made my surgery possible, but my intentions when I took it were not to work until I got surgery, come back early and risk hurting myself only to quit a month later. I don't think she understands how much an ordeal surgery really was. I went back to work sooner than anyone else I know. If I was planning to leave would I have come back so early? I must confess, I was thinking about leaving, but I was hoping that things were going to work out and I was going to be able to stay. I loved the creativity the job required, I loved helping people grow their business I just couldn't stand working for such a mean person. So if indeed I planned it all along I was one of the last to know my dear.

I need to move on though and expell all these demons and the bad energy they bring. I need to stop thinking about her, and remember what she was and is, which was something I don't want to be like. She stood for everything I was against, yet tried to turn it around like I was the problem. She would fool around all day, not get work done, and then have to stay till 6pm to finish. I came in early, worked hard, stayed focused took short lunches and no breaks so I could be out by 5 and she called me lazy. She truly has no idea what I was doing for her, and I don't even care if she realizes it. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want her in my life, and I don't give a ratts ass what a washed up never been has to say.

Walk a mile in my shoes bitch, $5 says you don't make it a block....

And thats all I want to say on that subject......

Love to all and take care....

Time to move on....

2006-09-21T06:50:00.000-04:00

Man it's so nice when a song says it all....

Update below.

"Take This Job And Shove It"
Johnny Paycheck

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

They'll have you in this factory
From now on for fifty years
All this time I see my woman
Drowning in her tears
I see a lot of people who
Got to have a piece of me
I'd give the shirt right off my back
If I had the nerve to say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I will not get all the pieces
I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Let's all go use our sick leave up
And then we'll shoot some pool
Got brand new skinhead hair cuts
You think he's a fool
One of these days I'll blow my top
Or somebody's gonna pay
I'd hate to see the process
As you enter the factory and say

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more
I won't let that shit bother me
That I've been working for
Paper cups, minimum wage
Just walk on out the door
Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here no more

Take this job and shove it
I ain't working here, ain't working here, ain't working here no more

****UPDATE****
Went in and gave my 2 weeks at the paper and was verbally assaulted on how me "going for surgery was taking advantage of the company and my coworkers" and was walked out the building.

She was horribly abusive and kept going on how I was "making a mistake" and my "whole life was full of making mistakes."

I am in real conundrum at this moment. I am not the litigious type, I've even been in an accident with a hit and drunk driver who was so drunk you could smell it and didn't sue her. I've been wronged though and was leaving the job because of the constant verbal abuse she sent my way. Until this morning's attack I couldn't be sure if it was related to me being trans or the fact she was just a big meany. I kept telling myself she was just mean, but today true colors came out, and I know now that it was personal. She thinks what I did was a mistake, she's asked after the fact more than once if I regretted doing what I did and obviously doesn't understand. I should go after her and make her pay for the way she treated me, but does that just give folks one more reason not to hire folks like me? If we become known as sue-happy headaches who is going to want to hire us? I have to go slowly and reflect carefully over my next action. She cannot get away with treating me like this, she cannot get away with telling people about my situation which in effect is a medical condition. I don't want to have to take legal action, but I feel right now that someone has to stand up to the pseudo-liberal elite and how they take us on as tokens that they do things behind their backs to. I'm tired of being a good "n-word" and need to stand up for what is right.

More to come, suggestions welcome by those who have my email.....

Busy little beaver...

2006-09-18T07:35:00.000-04:00

Can't really talk much right now, but I noticed it's been awhile since my last post, so a quick update.

I'm busy at work which I don't want to go further on right now. Health is great, healing more every day. I cannot believe how good things are working down there right now. I have to say I'm pleased so far with my results and am sooooooooo happy I finally got there.

While cleaning out my car yesterday I came across a poem I wrote this past winter/spring that I may choose to share when I have time. It amazes me how much can change in such a short time. I was going through such turmoil then and never thought I'd be where I am today. So to all of those whose life seems hopeless right now, and that goal at the end of the road seems to be getting farther away every day, keep the faith, work hard, and know in your heart that if you want it bad enough you can accomplish allot, but you must be willing to go through allot to get there. We truly are all born of fire in this journey.

Love to all, and take care.

Tough enough?...

2006-09-04T18:24:00.000-04:00

Well yeah I'm finally getting to write a bit again. It's been a little hard since I've been slowly but surely trying to get things back in order. I've been back to work since last Monday, only 1 job though not both. I'm not happy right now about work, but all things in due time. I've also been dealing with the "joy" of sitting in one place for a long time. NOT FUN right now, not that I've been one who tends to sit still for long anyway. Walking is fine, but sitting or standing still suck. It's also been fun trying to schedule all the extra things like dilating and douching along with clean-up, set up, and applying stuff in between.

There have been many good things since we last talked along with some bad. On the bad front, my gp was too much of a wussy to take out my stitches so I had to rely on the help of friends so I didn't have to go the ER and have a bunch of odd people around my new equipment, instead I only had two wierdos down there. THANK GOD FOR GREAT FRIENDS, AND PAINKILLERS, a little valium didn't hurt either.

Tuesday I got surprised when somebody canceled at the last minute and I got invited to the Bob Dylan concert. My company has a skybox there and it was an outdoor concert so it was nice to say the least to be in a comfortable skybox on that rainy night. I stayed standing or on the comfy couch during the first 3 acts, but when Dylan came on, my tender bottom regions went outside and got on a hard stadium seat. The pain didn't matter that much once I heard "Tangled up in Blue" live and in person. I hurt like hell the next day, but man I can say I've seen Dylan. Of course hearing him or should I say making sense of what you are hearing is another thing....

Overall things are coming up and back to normal. I'm really feeling human again, and ahead of schedule. I figured it would be another week or two but am glad I am ahead of schedule. Painkillers are no longer being used except for a few Tylenol a day, and I'm actually doing things like walking fast, and shooting baskets. Actually I was shooting baskets my first day back, 1 week post op. I've always had this knack to me I guess to recouping fast. I'm not fast, strong, nor can I go forever, but man give me a moment to catch my breath and I recoup faster than anyone else I know. That is how I go for miles rollerblading by stopping a few times taking a drink a few breaths and get back on my way.

When I dislocated my knee one year at the Big E, I sat down for 10 mins and then walked the rest of the day(went to the ER that night for x-rays after attending a bday party.) I've thrown up from being exposed to excessive heat and then gone and played hockey. I used to play iron man hockey(no subs) consitantly. When I had my last knee surgery I was at a wedding a few days latter, with a cane I made myself. And I was interviewing for jobs and getting them 2 weeks after being released from the hospital after my nervous breakdown. Yeah I can be a tough bitch. A tough bitch that pulled herself up out of bed by the headboard 1 day post op and made my way to the bathroom to empty my pee bag before my friends made it to the hotel, (man that hurt.)

But one has to be tough to make it through all this. We trannies may not realize it all the time but we are some of the toughest people out there. We struggle against voices for years that are screaming at us that something is wrong, only to one day rise up and battle the voices of those around us who tell us nothing is wrong and it's all in our head. We fight against thinking twice or three times that there is another way. We deal with all the pain of losing what we lose and fight the guilt of all we take away from those who have grown to know and love us one way and then have to get used to a "new" us.

Yes I am proud of my toughness and am even a braggart about it, but my friends it is that toughness that got me and others where we are today, tattered and slightly torn but still here none the less.

Love to all, and of course take care.

Heading for home...

2006-08-21T06:44:00.000-04:00

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to mine

Oooh, oooh, oooh

You're so fine and you're mine
I'll be yours 'till the end of time
'Cause you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
I've nothing to hide

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
With your heartbeat
Next to mine

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ooh, baby
Can't you hear my heart beat
For the very first time?

Like a virgin
Madonna

Actualy having all that packing taken out isn't something as special as a first time, but something I couldn't wait for to relieve all that GD pressure.

Of course as I am running around like a chicken with my head cutt-off I'm pre-writing this the night before. Actually truth be told I picked out the songs weeks ago. Today it's do my stuff with the Dr., run to the airport, catch my flight home, and run into the arms of my wife and kids. I miss them, mom, Court and my own bed sooo much. Also I have to go fill my scripts so I can be ready to go back on the 'mones & get over the cries. I've been crying allot lately, half joy for making it,half sad for all the wounds I've gotten and given along the way.

Today I head to everyone's favorite residence for their heart, H O M mother f'ing E...

Home sweet home
Motley Crue

You know i'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So i wouldn't come home low

Just when things went right
It doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone

Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And i'm comin' off this
Long & winding road

I'm on my way
Well, i'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home

You know that i seem
To make romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off
The silver screen

My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Somtimes nothing--keeps me together
At the seams

I'm on my way
Well, i'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home sweet home

BIG ASS HUGS AND THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO HELPED ME BECOME ME.

Extra love to Co, Court & Viv especially...

Be back writing when I can. Love to all and of course take care....

looking back...

2006-08-20T07:10:00.000-04:00

I remember only 3 things from the summer of 1974. One I won't share today, but the other two are today's topic. It was that summer I first noticed the difference between boys and girls, and I first knew I was the wrong one. It was about this time of year as I looked out and saw my friend Carole inher red one piece bathing suit and got it. It was less than a week later when severe thunder storms rolled in one night. I thought for sure God was coming after me to destroy his "mistake." I barely knew much about God but what I knew was God was perfect, made everything, and was not someone to piss off. I was raised to fear God instead of love God. Anyway I remember as if it was last night that I hid under my bed as thunder shook our apartment, clinging on for dear life, and asking God to spare me.

Last night we had storms roll through that I swear if not for my cathedar I would have wet the bed. My memories harkened back to my bedroom at age 4. BUt instead of fearful tears, I started crying tears of joy. Instead of feeling persecuted by God I was able look back and see how much God helped me be the woman I am today. It wasn't the storms coming after me, but protecting me.

Last night I was reminded how blessed I am to have made it thus far when so many falter along this journey. Thank God for sending all that help, and of course my family an friends. They have truly been gifts of grace, so forgive me for getting a little churchy...

Amazing grace
John newton

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares...
we have already come.
T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...
and Grace will lead us home.

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

healing and such...

2006-08-19T13:21:00.000-04:00

Today the Dr. took out the jp tube aka the grenade. He warned me several times that it wouldn't be pleasant, but when it came out it was more like a big stitch being pulled.

Last night I played hero, and skipped the pain pills, andas a result had a rough night. The sight itself is ok but the packing and the tubing are driving me up the wall. I just got rid of my own damn tubing and now I'm stuck with one atttached to a bag. I guess it's just gonna take time to heal.

Sexual Healing
Marvin Gaye

Ooh, now let's get down tonight
Baby I'm hot just like an oven
I need some lovin'
And baby, I can't hold it much longer
It's getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby
Makes me feel so fine
Helps to relieve my mind
Sexual Healing baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
Whenever blue tear drops are falling
And my emotional stability is leaving me
There is something I can do
I can get on the telephone and call you up baby, and
Honey I know you'll be there to relieve me
The love you give to me will free me
If you don't know the things you're dealing
I can tell you, darling, that it's Sexual Healing
Get up, Get up, Get up, Get up, let's make love tonight
Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, Wake up, 'cos you do it right
Baby I got sick this morning
A sea was storming inside of me
Baby I think I'm capsizing
The waves are rising and rising
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing is good for me
Makes me feel so fine, it's such a rush
Helps to relieve the mind, and it's good for us
Sexual Healing, baby, is good for me
Sexual Healing is something that's good for me
And it's good for me and it's good to me
My baby ohhh
Come take control, just grab a hold
Of my body and mind soon we'll be making it
Honey, oh we're feeling fine
You're my medicine open up and let me in
Darling, you're so great
I can't wait for you to operate
I can't wait for you to operate
When I get this feeling, I need Sexual Healing

I also talked to my sister today. We've barely spoken since we had a blow-out a couple of months ago. We patched things up for now, but I'm not expecting any miracles soon. I still expect to be the crazy aunt the kid isn't alowed to see much, they might catch it ya know. It was still so nice to talk to her and tell each other we were sorry and that we love each other reguardless.
Later Viv and I will go for awalk around the area,but shortly I'll be meeting with some other girls who had surgery with Dr. Reed and play cards. But since the only good song about playing cards is KISS's "Beth", I leave you instead with this....

"It's a Sunshine Day (Everybody's Smiling)"
The Brady Bunch

I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.

Everybody's smiling (sunshine day),
Everybody's laughing (sunshine day),
Everybody seems so happy today in the sunshine day.

Oooh. Can't you dig the sunshine?
Feel the sun and the rays.
Can't you hear it calling your name?

I think I'll go for a walk outside now,
The summer sun's calling my name, I hear it now.
I just can't stay inside all day,
I've got to get out, gimme some of those rays.

lessons...

2006-08-18T12:53:00.000-04:00

SorryI haven't written lately. It's been odd to say the least. I got to experiencethe joys of aBM with tubes up your Chachi. I've learned how to empty my pee bag without splashing too much. I've learned how much not showering sucks. I'm gonna give myself a sponge bath latter. I still have sooo much to learn about my new equipment. I still can't believe it's real, and it's gone. I keep waiting to wake up from the good dream, but instead find myself crying tears of joy.

I came here to find an end to my journey, and find it only begining.

Lessons Learned
Carrie Underwood

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I shouldn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some roads,
That I wish I could have one more chance to make,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And nothing's gotta go,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for everytime,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.

just checking in...

2006-08-16T19:06:00.000-04:00

Hard to type too much. Doing well, but in pain as expected. In the words of Teo "it hurts to be pretty." have the best friends a girl can ask for taking care of me.

I'll talk more when i can, till then be well.
Hugs,
Ash

The day after...

2006-08-15T07:28:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's sooo real. But I have a quote from the Matrix Revolutions for you...

"I dreamt of this day for all my life, and now I have to ask, Is it real?" Morpheous.

I'm a little under the weather today. I'm not sure exactly how to explain it other than....

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover
And my penis was missing again.
This happens all the time.
It's detachable.

This comes in handy a lot of the time.
I can leave it home, when I think it's gonna get me in trouble,
or I can rent it out, when I don't need it.
But now and then I go to a party, get drunk,
and the next morning I can't for the life of me
remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it.
So I called up the place where the party was,
they hadn't seen it either.

I asked them to check the medicine cabinet
'cause for some reason I leave it there sometimes
But not this time.

So I told them if it pops up to let me know.
I called a few people who were at the party,
but they were no help either.

I was starting to get desperate.
I really don't like being without my penis for too long.
It makes me feel like less of a man,
and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house,
and calling everyone I could think of,
I was starting to get very depressed,
so I went to the Kiev, and ate breakfast.

Then, as I walked down Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place,
where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street,
I saw my penis lying on a blanket
next to a broken toaster oven.
Some guy was selling it.
I had to buy it off him.
He wanted twenty-two bucks, but I talked him down to seventeen.
I took it home, washed it off,
and put it back on. I was happy again.
Complete.

People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached,
but I don't know.

Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass,
I like having a detachable penis.

King Missile
Detatchable Penis

They better not try to reattach the mother f'er, it took me so long to get rid of it. Seriously I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I hope to included all I can from the old one, not much about me has changed after all, but still I have to say it is a whole new world...

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me

A whole new world
Disney

Walt Disney's frozen head must be spinning in it's grave....

V-Day...

2006-08-14T06:56:00.000-04:00

Well my friends the time has come for the big day. I cannott believe the time has finally come. It's just a good example of what can happen when you focus on things.

I always knew eventually the road would lead me here, I was never sure though when. But for now my time is here. I have to leave you with a happy song just in case, but I'm sure I'll be pissing people off for years to come. Gotta go meet destiny...

Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na,
Sha na na na na.

Autumn turns to winter,
And winter turns to spring.
It doesn't go just for seasons you know,
It goes for everything.

The same is true for voices,
When boys begin to grow.
You gotta take a lesson from Mother Nature,
And if you do you'll know.

When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see.
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you're gonna be.
Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na

Day by day you're facing the changes you've been through,
A little bit of living, a little bit of growing all adds up to you.
Every boy's a man inside,
A girl a woman too.
And if you want to reach your destiny,
Then here's what you can do.

When it's time to change (when it's time to change),
Don't fight the tide, go along for the ride,
Don't ya see.
When it's time to change, you've got to rearrange,
Who you are and what you're gonna be.

Sha na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na.
Sha na na na na na na na na na
Sha na na na na

Time to Change
The Brady Bunch

What a rough ride it's been. Well I've learned how to type in my sleep, just watch out folks. Seen the movie Carrie? I have, so don't piss me off. For now I'm using my powers to write in my sleep as I'm under...

Under the blade
Twisted Sister

A glint of steel, a flash of light
You know you're not going home tonight
Be it jack or switch, doctor's or mind
Nowhere to run, everywhere you'll find
You can't escape from the bed you've made
When your time has come, you'll accept the blade!

You're cornered in the alley way, you know you're all alone
You know it's gonna end this way, the chill goes to the bone
Now here it comes that glistening light, it goes into your
side
Blackness comes, tonight's the night, blade is gonna ride

Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

It's not another party head, this time you cannot rise
Your hands are tied, your legs are strapped, a light shines in
your eye
You faintly see a razor's edge, you open your mouth to cry
You know you can't, it's over now, blade is gonna ride

Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

A glint of steel, a flash of light
You know you're not going home tonight
Be it jack or switch, doctor's or mind
There nowhere to run, everywhere you'll find
You can't escape from the bed you've made
When your time has come, you'll accept the blade!

You've tried to make it to the front, now you're pinned against
the side
A monster stands before you now, its mouth is open wide
The lights go on, the night explodes, it tears into your mind
When the night does end, you'll come again, the blade is gonna
ride

Cause you're under the blade
Oh, you're under the blade

Here it comes, baby
Ow!

Now you're under it
You're going down, down, down, down, down, down
Down, down, down, down, down, down, down

Hey!
Ow!

Ok not the pretiest song, but I had to get the Sister in here considering I was an SMF back in the day, at least I thought I was. By now the surgery is under way and I'm sure the boys are gone. It amazes me how in the old days I'd say I'd pay my right nut for something, I was amazed to learn they charge to take them away. Oh well they're gone now and I feel a little different.

Creep(half the man I used to be)
Stone temple pilots

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal
Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I gots is time
Got no meaning, just a rhyme

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
Well, I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun
Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal, I like to steal

I'm half the man I used to me
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be
This I feel as the dawn
It fades to gray
I'm half the man I used to be, half the man I used to be,
Half the man I used to be

Sorry had to, couldn't resist. Maybe now though I'll clean up my act and grow up a little more. They say women are more mature and after all, I have to say while I'll never be a true woman who grew up a little girl I'm as close as I'll ever get. So without further adeau...

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me
'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman
Oh, I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong

I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

I am woman
Helen Reddy

Actually I'm beat and I need my rest. Psycho-kenetically typing wipes you out, talk to you tomorrow....

24....

2006-08-13T06:51:00.000-04:00

When I was a little kid I used to pray for the silliest things. One of the things I used to pray for was for someone to invent a machine that would change peoples sex. I had no idea they had an operation for that kind of thing and thought it would be a great thing to be able to make little boy's into little girls if they wanted to. Maybe it's still a good idea, we could call it the Harry Benjimin 2000....

Love removal machine
The Cult

Fell to the red room
Because she was there
A scarlet woman
She got me in fear
She said do all those things that you do to me
You know what I mean
Do all those things that you do to me yeah

Love remover love remover machine
You little fun remover love remover machine

Baby baby baby baby baby I fell from the sky
Yesterday you blew my mind oh yeah
Having trouble with my direction
Upside down psychotic reaction

Love removal love removal machine
You little soul shaker love removal machine
You little love removal machine
You little fun removal love removal machine

Love removal love removal machine
You little fun remover fun removal machine
You little love removal machine
You little soul shaker love removal machine

Look out here she comes
Look out here she comes
Look out here she comes

Shake it don't break it baby
Shake it don't break it baby
Shake it don't break it baby

I say I didn't know about a sex change, but I had a dream when I was 6 the night before I had to go in for surgery to fix my broken jaw that when they wheeled me into the or to fix it they also decided to switch my sex. I dreamt that they had a little girl in there and they cut out each of our private areas and sewed them onto the other. Hey what can I say I was a fucked up kid. I was alone in the hospital, I was confused on my gender and I was scared about going under the knife. I had less than 24 hours to go and I needed my medication I needed to be......

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh
I wanna be sedated

Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....
Just put me in a wheelchair
and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-o
I wanna be sedated
Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my toes
Oh no no no no no

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go...
Just put me in a wheelchair
and put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

Sedated
The Ramones

Just as I feel now, antsy as all hell and in need of sedation, but as then and will be now I believe that everything will turn out ok. The ghost of this pot smoking guy told me last night in a dream about some birds...

three little birds
bob marley

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Each by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Each by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing is gonna be alright. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing is gonna be alright!

That is except for the little part of getting my system clean. I have to be empty for surgery. They gave the shit to make me shit and unfortunately I have to run.... until v-day...

Run like hell
Pink Floyd

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run

You better make your face up in
Your favourite disguise
With your button down lips and your
Roller blind eyes
With your empty smile
And your hungry heart
Feel the bile rising from your guilty past
With your nerves in tatters
When the cockleshell shatters
And the hammers batter
Down the door
You better run

Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run
You better run all day
And run all night
And keep your dirty feelings
Deep inside. And if your
Takin' your girlfriend
Out tonight
You better park the car
Well out of sight
'Cos if they catch you in the back seat
Trying to pick her locks
They're gonna send you back to mother
In a cardboard box
You better run

2 days...

2006-08-12T06:44:00.000-04:00

Ok I pre wrote some of these blogs so i have to add stuff about yesterday. Traveling was ok. Security was tight, yet efficient. It took longer to get a bagel than through security. Of course the bagel place was run by idiots. I finally got to meet Viv, which was nice after talking to her every day for so long. I also met a new person gloria. She's Florida's Robin, all my CT peeps will understand. I hope if I make it to my 70's I hope I have the same spunk.

Well less than two days to go and I'm a bit nervous of course but so ready for this. I know it sounds silly but I've figured the DR. isn't giving me all that much that I didn't already have. I've lived as a woman, people treat me like a woman, so in a way I am a woman. On that note....

Sometimes late when things are real
And people share the gift of gab between themselves
Some are quick to take the bait
And catch the perfect prize that waits among the shelves

But oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad.

So please believe in me
When I say Im spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

Oh, oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad

So please believe in me
When I say Im spinning round, round, round, round
Smoke glass stain bright color
Image going down, down, down, down
Soapsuds green like bubbles

No, oz never did give nothing to the tin man
That he didnt, didnt already have
And cause never was the reason for the evening
Or the tropic of sir galahad

So please believe in me

tin man
america

But then if that were entirely true, wtf would I need to work my ass off borrow money and risk my life for surgery then? Because as much of a woman that everyone treated me as I still have a dick. And trust me it's not fun being a chick with a dick unless you're an escort or something, and that is dangerous.

Speaking of oddities the next song was from a whacked movie I didn't care for much,except for a few parts. Maybe it's a little bit of the conservative left in. But it's so hard on nights like this when the strangest things seem suddenly routine.....

On nights like this
when the world's a bit amiss
and the lights go down
across the trailer park
I get down
I feel had
I feel on the verge of going mad
and then it's time to punch the clock

I put on some make-up
and turn up the tape deck
and pull the wig down on my head
suddenly I'm Miss Midwest
Midnight Checkout Queen
until I head home
and put myself to bed

I look back on where I'm from
look at the woman I've become
and the strangest things
seem suddenly routine
I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks
a gift-wrapped wig still in the box
of towering velveteen.

I put on some make-up
and some LaVern Baker
and pull the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963
Until I wake up
And turn back to myself

Some girls they have natural ease
they wear it any way they please
with their French flip curls
and perfumed magazines
Wear it up
Let it down
This is the best way that I've found
to be the best you've ever seen

I put on some make-up
and turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett
from TV
until I wake up
and turn back to myself

Shag, bi-level, bob
Dorothy Hammil do,
Sausage curls, chicken wings
It's all because of you
With your blow dried, feather back,
Toni home wave, too
flip, fro, frizz, flop,
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you

I put on some make-up
turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm this punk rock star
of stage and screen
and I ain't never
I'm never turning back

wig in a box
Hedwig

Hopefully I don't wake up with an angry inch...

Seriously it amazes me looking back at all the shit I've been through and how I've come through it. So many people don't make it through, some make it through only to find they were on the wrong path and can't go back. It took me awhile longer than I wanted to get here, but looking back things had to happen the way they did in order to be here. This last song is my new anthem, go buy the albulm, it's entitled "After hours"...

right on time
big al anderson

it's not my nature to be patient.
I jump every river i cross.
not one for following the sensible side.
I can't count the times I've been lost.
well you can't see where you're going in a pouring rain.
when you running into walls feeling no pain.
We all owe dues to the devil
and I paid mine
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

i don't regret one single moment
it's been one hell of a ride
i count myself among the fourtunate ones
who made it to the other side
well you go what you go through
to get where you are
lucky for me I didn't go to far.
I turned around before the end of the line
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time

well you can't see where you're going in a pouring rain
when you running into walls feeling no pain.
We all owe dues to the devil
and I paid mine
it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

it took awhile to get here
but I'm right on time.

Peace....

Friday part 2

2006-08-11T18:41:00.000-04:00

Well things went well and I'M SET FOR SURGERY ON MONDAY!!!!!!!! I have to say my brain never thought I'd get this far, but deep in my heart I believed that if I worked hard enough I'd get there. It's like when I was younger we had this song we'd sing when a certain group of good friends got together. It was our song for friendship and a great song about sailing on in life....

Im sailing away,
set an open course
for the virgin sea
Ive got to be free,
free to face the life
thats ahead of me
On board, Im the captain,
so climb aboard
Well search for tomorrow on every shore
And Ill try,
oh lord,
Ill try to carry on

I look to the sea,
reflections in the waves
spark my memory
Some happy,
some sad
I think of childhood friends
and the dreams we had
We live happily forever,
so the story goes
But somehow we missed out
on that pot of gold
But well try
best that we can
to carry on

A gathering of angels
appeared above my head
They sang to me this song of hope,
and this is what they said
They said come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels,
but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship
and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away
with me
Come sail away,
come sail away
Come sail away
with me

Come sail away
Styxx

Ok I don't know what the F&^% is about the aliens, but I do know I've been able to find the pot of gold.

The other song I used to sing was one by myself, and usually in tears. I wanted so bad to be fixed, to get far away from everything and to have never had to have gone through any of this. While some of that will never happen, I am about to make it on most of that...

over the rainbow
E.Y Harburg

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Thank God they were flying bluebirds and not flying cows, I got shit on a little on my journey to this place here in my life...

Friday part 1

2006-08-11T02:50:00.000-04:00

The time has finally come for me to meet my destiny so to speak. It's an early morning flight, followed by a quick trip to the Dr for his look at me, and then off to an ekg for final approval. I hate the thought of getting all the way down there and being turned away. I have worked so hard at this, I don't want to even ponder, but here are a few traveling songs, along with a worrying song.

Enjoy.

Sleep while I drive
Mellissa Etheridge

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
Theres a chill in my bones
I dont want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
Ill pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket Ill carry my harp
I got some money I saved
Enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Well go thorough tucson up to santa fe
And barbara in nashville says were welcome to stay
Ill buy you glasses in texas a hat from new orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams

You know Ive seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
Youve been looking for something
Thats not in your life
My intentions are true
Wont you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Oh is it other arms you want to
Hold you the stranger
The lover youre free
Cant you get that with me

Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
If you wont take me with you
Ill go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive

Wouldn't it be nice to drive but no, we have to fly. Did I mention I'm afraid of flying? Shit that would have been a good book to bring, haven't read it in years, and wasn't there a scene in there about sex on a plane?

leaving on a jet plane
Peter paul and mary

All my bags are packed, Im ready to go
Im standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin, its early morn
The taxis waiting, hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome I could cry.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive played around
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back, Ill wear your wedding ring.

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Then close your eyes, Ill be on my way.
Dream about the days to come
When I wont have to leave alone
About the times, I wont have to say,

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go.
Im leavin on a jet plane
I dont know when Ill be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go.

I'd be fibbing if I wasn't full of anticipation, I hate waiting....

Anticipation Lyrics
Artist: Carly Simon

We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway, yay
And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

And I tell you how easy it feels to be with you
And how right your arms feel around me
But I, I rehearsed those lines just late last night
When I was thinkin' about how right tonight might be

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late
Is keepin' me waitin'

And tomorrow we might not be together
I'm no prophet and I don't know nature's ways
So I'll try and see into your eyes right now
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days

(These are the good old days)
And stay right here 'cause these are the good old days
(These are the good old days)

I hope these are the good old days indeed. More to come later today...

Tomorrow...

2006-08-10T06:30:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I leave for what should be the biggest weekend in a very long time. Tomorrow I get on a plane, which I hate to do. Fly down to see my surgeon, get clearance from him and a cardiologist and with any luck spend the last weekend of my life with a piece of flesh dangling between my legs. Of course now we have to deal with a code orange terror alert. Well damnit I'm still wearing my light blue skirt, I don't care if I clash...

I've waited for this for so long, I hope it's truly here. I've worked so hard, given up so much. There are things in this life I will never get back, things that I should have, if not for some peoples lack of faith in me, or in human nature. But I'd do it all again to be who I was meant to be. To thine own self be true are some of the truest words of advice ever put on paper. Along with that all one can do is hope. Hope that no matter how bad things may be today, no matter how hard life is raining down on you, that you must remember this.

The sun will come out, tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow, therell be sun
Jus thinkin about, tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
til theres none

When Im stuck with the day thats gray and lonely
I just stick out my chin and grin and say, ohhh

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
Come what may...

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day away

The sun will come out, tomorrow
So you gotta hang on til tomorrow
Come what may...

Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day away
Tomorrow, tomorrow
I love ya, tomorrow
Youre always a day a--way!

Tomorrow
Lea Salonga

Peace love and joy.

One week...

2006-08-06T22:09:00.000-04:00

One week from tonight I hope to be fretting about surgery in between runs to the toilet. It's been such a long trip and I still don't believe fully that it's really going to end next week. I know some day I'll get there, I still just can't believe it's happening now.

FYI. I am planning to blog every day starting this Thursday. Some of it is being pre written and of course I am going with the lyrics format with comentary mixed in. I'm not sure exactly how much I'll be able to write, but I promise I will do my best to.

Oh well I have a busy week ahead of me and I need some fun along with the focus. So enjoy this fun song as I try to focus.

One Week
Barenaked ladies

Its been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said Im angry.
Five days since you laughed at me
Saying get that together come back and see me.
Three days since the living room
I realized its all my fault, but couldnt tell you
Yesterday youd forgiven me
But itll still be two days till I say Im sorry

Hold it now and watch the hoodwink
As I make you stop, think
Youll think youre looking at aquaman
I summon fish to the dish, although I like the chalet swiss
I like the sushi cause its never touched a frying pan
Hot like wasabe when I bust rhymes
Big like leann rimes
Because Im all about value
Bert kaempferts got the mad hits
You try to match wits
You try to hold me but I bust through
Gonna make a break and take a fake
Id like a stinkin achin shake
I like vanilla, its the finest of the flavours
Gotta see the show, cause then youll know
The vertigo is gonna grow
Cause its so dangerous, youll have to sign a waiver

How can I help it if I think youre funny when youre mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
Im the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Cant understand what I mean?
Well, you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt

Its been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said youre crazy
Five days since you tackled me
Ive still got the rug burns on both my knees
Its been three days since the afternoon
You realized its not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday youd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say youre sorry

Chickity china the chinese chicken
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin
Watchin x-files with no lights on, were dans la maison
I hope the smoking mans in this one
Like harrison ford Im getting frantic
Like sting Im tantric
Like snickers, guaranteed to satisfy
Like kurasawa I make mad films
Okay I dont make films
But if I did theyd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better clubs
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs just so my
Irons arent always flying off the back-swing
Gotta get in tune with sailor moon
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes
That make me think the wrong thing

How can I help it if I think youre funny when youre mad
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad
Im the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral
Cant understand what I mean? you soon will
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of losing my shirt

Its been one week since you looked at me
Dropped your arms to your sides and said Im sorry
Five days since I laughed at you
And said you just did just what I thought you were gonna do
Three days since the living room
We realized were both to blame, but what could we do?
Yesterday you just smiled at me
Cause itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Itll still be two days till we say were sorry
Birchmount stadium, home of the robbie

50 million miles....

2006-08-02T06:54:00.000-04:00

Ok it's fucking hotter than hell right now. Sorry for the language but you try wearing a wig in 100 degree heat.

Speaking of heat things are continuing to heat up as I get ready for the big day. Every day I get another task done towards surgery. Yet I still feel like I'm so far away. It feels like I'm 50 million miles away from the real deal.

Speaking of that number go to my little bro's site and click on that song in his music player you won't be disappointed.

Shawn

He has a couple good songs there and that one is my fav. Enjoy I have to go track tropical storm that may make the miles a little longer ads it seems to head right for my reserved hotel room.

Enjoy.

Getting ready...

2006-07-31T09:02:00.000-04:00

14 days to go and I'm tense but focused to say the least. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and trying to keep going. I stopped my spiro early and pop went the weight, 7lbs in one week gained, not happy at all. I've been rollerblading allot lately so hopefully it's muscle, over the weekend I did about 9 miles so it could be. Today I go see my gp for a physical so I can be cleared for surgery. I'm so afraid something will come up and I won't be cleared. Yet I know people heavier than me and who have had cancer that have had surgery a mile up and they came out ok, so I should be ok. Tomorrow I go see my endo and get a shot of T to help me toughen up for surgery. I can't wait for all this shit to be over.

God is keeping the humor in things lately as well, at least he's laughing. At my part time job I had to help one of my ex-line mates from my old hockey team. We played for a year or two together on the same line back in the day before I took to blades. I don't think he recognised me, thank God. I guess I've changed more than I give myself credit for.

There are other things going on with tieing up loose ends but I can't go into them right now. I'm just trying to leave no regrets behind. I need this to be as clean as a change as possible with the least amount of pain for all involved.

Oh shit gotta run, hopefully this will be the last time I will have to turn my head and cough.

Love to all and of course take care.

The times they are a changing....

2006-07-26T20:37:00.000-04:00

With surgery rapidly approaching I find myself looking at life at surgery and I am starting to wonder how many other things will change in my life afterwards. For so long I've been so good at doing stuff because I had to reach my goal. But what happens when "have to" disappears. I won't "have to" do anything. I've been so focused on this one goal for so long and it has kept me going so strong I'm afraid that once it's gone my drive will be as well.

Maybe I'm wrong and my strong protestant work ethic has gotten me used to working 70 hours a week, and going without much of a social life. Maybe I have the fortitude that lets me go beyond what most normal people do. I don't think so, in fact I feel ashamed most of the time that I don't do more even though I know I do more than many people. I consider myself lazy even though I work 2 jobs and don't shy away from work. I just feel I can always do more because I haven't passed out yet. I don't know why I feel this way I just do. Is my drive caused by my desire to work towards my goal? Is it the testosterone that soon will no longer be in my system, or is it in my blood and I will continue to have the same drive?

Hopefully my drive will stay with me. I have potential to do so much more with my life than I am currently doing. I would rather look back at all the things I got accomplished at the end of my days rather than anguish over all I didn't. The times they are a changing and soon "have to" will go the way of the dinosaurs. Hopefully my drive and determination won't go with it.

Hugs and enjoy......

The Times They Are a Changing
Bob Dylan

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

Solitude...

2006-07-16T19:33:00.000-04:00

My social life really sucks as of late. Yes I had a date, with a psycho, but then again it seems I attract allot of them in my life. The guy won't leave me alone at work, and he hasn't gotten the hint yet. I must really suck at communicating, I have a history of dealing with people who couldn't get the hint, and yet I think I can write a book that is going to sell? Maybe I should reconsider since I have trouble making certain people understand.

On the flip side of things I have been very lonely as of late. I had plans to have supper with Co and the kids Friday night, but her mom decided to a last minute dinner for her brother who is moving away. So no dice, I did get to go out to dinner with Court and Kozi though after we watched poor Court get some new ink. The kids came over after, but were gone early the next day to say their final goodbye to her brother. I feel for her, and will miss him too. I never got to talk to him after my transition, so I don't know he felt, and of course don't get the option of saying goodbye and goodluck. Court went to a party, I went to work after spending most of the day alone again. Today I went to work, and am spending the night alone again. It seems as of late either I am working or nobody is around. It sucks and I hate it to death. Even when I make plans something always seems to come up or the person I had plans with forgets and is off doing shit with someone else. I have surgery coming up soon, and even though the chance is a small one there is still a chance I don't come out of it. More than ever I want and need to be around people to keep me calm, and keep me from thinking about all the bad shit that can happen. But when I need companionship the most it seems to be the most fleeting. Psycho coworkers are the exception of course. If I am short for this earth I don't need my last few weeks on it to be spent by myself wanting for company. Even if my days are long I don't like spending my time like that. I was going to have my pre-pussy party but even that doesn't work out. The day I can do it co-incides with a big music fest a couple of the people go to and the support group picnic. Oh well maybe I'll try after surgery, I'll have more to celebrate then. Oh well I have laundry to do, a wig to wash and some tears to cry. Until next time here's a song for your reading pleasure about my feeling low right now....

Elanor Rigby
The Beatles

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Elanor Rigby picks up the rice in a church where a wedding has been
lives in a dream
waits at the window, wearing a face that she keeps in a jar by the door
who is it for?

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
no one comes near
look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
what does he care?

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

Ah, Look at all the lonely people
Ah, Look at all the lonely people

Elanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
nobody came
Father McKenzie, wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
no one was saved

All the lonely people
where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
where do they all belong?

You butthole....

2006-07-11T06:12:00.000-04:00

Pepper
The Butthole Surfers

Marky got with Sharon
And Sharon got Cherese
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the topic of disease
Mikey had a facial scar
And Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano
Like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
While sifting through my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
And drink it from a fountain
That is pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

Another Mikey took a knife
While arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
He caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
Football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
But it only hit his leg
Well it should have been a better shot
And got him in the head
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and sugary
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through other people's eyes

I don't mind the sun most of the time and you do never know how you look through other people's eyes. Things are progressing and life is still weird, and getting weirder. There has been this guy at my night job who has been very friendly and actually asked me to go for a drink after work. Now me not being one to want to drink said I would have a soda, and decided to go. I figured why not, he seems nice and harmless, and I am an experience junkie. I've been so cautious about dealing with men since my transition, I keep forgetting other people don't see what I see in the mirror. They see what appears to be a normal looking, yet odd, woman where I see the man I used to live as. I don't know if that will ever change, but I know it won't if I don't try to help things along, so I figured a date would do me good.

It was a friendly date more than a romantic one. We went to a local brew/steak restaurant, split an order of nachos and each got a soda, and we talked. Hell we talked for almost 2 hours. We have allot in common (ok put you jokes here) and it was nice to talk to a man like that. He scared the shit out of me too. My cover story at that job is that I'm going for knee surgery not srs. Well I was so much in the conversation I forgot he didn't know since it seemed like I knew him forever,anyway he told me he wanted to help take care of me when I was recovering and he would help change my bandages. Now you can imagine the color my face turned since I was thinking my new equipment even though he was talking my knee. It took a moment to recompose myself and I told him it wouldn't be a big bandage,but I appreciated his concern. Then of course there was the very akward moment when it was time to say goodbye. I felt my throat drop to my stomach as I feared he was going to try and kiss me goodnight. That would have been too much, too fast. Luckily he's a true gentleman and we shared a friendly hug as our goodbye.

I haven't been sure how I was going to relate to men in a woman to man relationship but I think I did ok. I'm not looking for things to go further than friends right now, but I'm not sure his intentions. I gave him my email and he sent me an email the same night and another longer one yesterday telling me he wanted to see me again. I have to remember to be cautious, surgery is coming up I could use a little diversion, but I also have to keep things in check. I like this guy as a friend, but I don't know about things going further. I haven't really been attracted to men at all, not to mention how the hell do you explain things. No matter who I get involved with I have some `splaining to do. You cannot build a relationship on a lie, and I cannot in good faith lie to someone I want to go the next step with, at least not such a big one. Hopefully I can find a person with a mind that is open enough to accept me for me. Regardless I had a fun night and have a new friend. Maybe the experience and our friendship over time will help me sort out my feelings and my future.

Love to all and of course take care.

Born to fly...

2006-07-07T06:43:00.000-04:00

I've been antsy of late to say the least. So much is happening so fast and I can't believe my struggle is coming to a head in about a month. While I can never take back all the hurt, all the nights I cried myself to sleep and all the night I prayed unanswered prayers to God to fix me, I can fix the here and now and the future. While I won't be magically healed I will be one step closer towards that goal we all have in life, but few achieve.

Things have accelerated lately, and as of now I have officially paid for my surgery. I just sent the 2nd half of the money for stage one yesterday to my Dr. I was overwhelmed when I realized this important milestone, but remembered there is still much to be done. I just got a message from my GP's office that my insurance isn't covering my stress test so it will be out of pocket, oh well it was worth a shot. Of course there is the matter of not having my dilators yet that I've paid for. I also sent her a letter letting her know that if I don't have them by a certain date we will be forced to start legal action. I had to know that the last little bit wouldn't be any easier than the rest of the struggle. Just as down deep I knew that if I kept going I'd get where I wanted to be. I've kept that faith for the most part, except for that little episode in '04 and that almost killed me. I knew that I'd get here and that I was born to fly.

SARA EVANS
Born To Fly
(Sara Evans/Marcus Hummon/Darrell Scott)

I've been tellin' my dreams to the scarecrow
'Bout the places that I'd like to see
I said, friend do you think I'll ever get there
Ah, but he just stands there smilin' back at me

So I confessed my sins to the preacher
About the love I've been prayin' to find
Is there a brown eye'd boy in my future, yeah
He says. girl you've got nothin' but time

But how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born, you were born to fly

My daddy, he's grounded like the oak tree
My momma, she is steady as the sun
Oh you know I love my folks
But I keep starin' down the road
Just lookin' for my one chance to run

Yeah, 'cause I will soar away like the blackbird
I will blow in the wind like a sea
I will plant my heart in the garden of my dreams
And I will grow up where I'll wander wild and free

Oh, how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know, that you were born
You were born yeah
You were born to fly

So how do you wait for heaven
And who has that much time
And how do you keep your feet on the ground
When you know that you were born
You were born to fly fly fly fly

Looking back, moving forward...

2006-07-05T06:32:00.000-04:00

I decided to spend the entire day yesterday with the fam, and skip things like blogging, and throwing a party. It had been tradition for awhile for holding a picnic on the 4th, not only to celebrate the holiday, but also the anniversary of me asking Co out. I guess it was part celebration and part keeping an environment open for the same to happen to someone else. Co and I decided to go out at someone else's 4th of July picnic, and it's been interesting since to say the least.The other part of it was I'm suffering from an upper respiratory infection. With all the wet weather we've had I think I got a dose of mold at work where half the people are sick with similar symptoms. So with not feeling good I figured it would be prudent to go hang at the beach. We had other plans for after that but my daughter put a kibosh on that with a temper tantrum she threw at the beach.

It's hard at times to look back and see what Co and I have lost in the way things used to be. But on the other hand when you look at what we still have and share it's mind-blowing. Nobody I know in the same situation we are in get along as well. We are probably closer friends now then when we were married. Yes the sex is out of our life since she isn't into chicks, but while I may be hurt by the lack of attraction I can understand.

As things move forward I hope she will continue to be my best friend. It's only 6 weeks from this last Monday until I go under the blade. Shit's coming up quickly and I know it will be tough on both of us as things finally happen. In another strange turn of events I've been asked out by a guy, not on a real date, but out for a beer. He's a nice guy with a little off center sense of humor which is a perfect fit for me, if I was looking for that. For now I'll go out have a soda(won't drink beer) and see how it is trying to be friends with a straight male as a woman. I'm not looking for a straight relationship right now, if that is even what it would be called. I'm too afraid of consequences about how to tell the person about my past, and how they may react. I can't hide it, that shit only makes things worse. So it's going to be awhile before this gal has any relations with anyone new. Not to mention it will be 8 weeks after surgery or 14 weeks from now (God willing) before I could even use my pending new equipment.

Anyway lots of tangents, little focus, story of my life. Gotta go hope you all had safe and joyous 4th of July.

Love to all and of course take care.

Changes....

2006-06-27T06:26:00.000-04:00

I am going through changes right now, but we all are life is about change, some just change more than others. There's lots of things I don't like about myself other than the obvious that I would love to change. I'm getting to change some things I don't like about myself through surgery. Some through therapy, other stuff though hard work and determination. Of course some stuff I can never change and the only peace I can find will be through accepting that fact
.
As the third biggest change of my life (1. becoming a parent 2.living as a female) comes closer I'm begun to reflect heavily on my life past, present and future. It's been a long fight and in less than 7 weeks God willing I'm going to realize one of my biggest goals in life and need to get ready for life after it. Life's struggles don't end with surgery, nor does life. Life begins a new chapter after surgery nothing more nothing less. I hope the next chapter has a happier ending.

So here is a great song about change from a guy who most think had his own gender issues.

Changes
David Bowie

I still don't know what I was waiting for
And my time was running wild
A million dead-end streets
Every time I thought I'd got it made
It seemed the taste was not so sweet
So I turned myself to face me
But I've never caught a glimpse
Of how the others must see the faker
I'm much too fast to take that test

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

I watch the ripples change their size
But never leave the stream
Of warm impermanence and
So the days float through my eyes
But still the days seem the same
And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Pretty soon you're gonna get a little older
Time may change me
But I can't trace time
I said that time may change me
But I can't trace time

Ok this is getting wierd...

2006-06-21T06:39:00.000-04:00

Firstly I wanted to put up a Tuesday Tune post yesterday but SBC Yahoo was and still is having trouble letting me sign in. Luckily I kept IE up seperately and can still get on. The other thing of course is not knowing what kind of song to put up.

Things have been so bi-polar lately. Monday I got a cryptive message from my surgeon stating what sounded like that I was not going to be able to get full srs due to my bloodwork results I faxed him. I was distraught and don't know how the hell I managed to stay at work for the additional 3 hours after getting the message. All I kept telling myself was if I went home all I woulddo is cry and I didn't get paid for crying.

On the other hand, my old team, the remants of the Whalers won the Stanely Cup. I cried when they hoisted it up. Listening to Chuck Kayton brodcasting the historic win over my x-m radio brought back so many memories from my youth and listening to him calling the games over my crackling transitor am radio. I spent so many years praying that they would win when they were in Hartford. The same way I'd pray for God to turn me into a little girl instead of having to be a boy.

It's odd to me that they won and I am getting my wish in a way too on being a girl, not only in the same year, but eight weeks apart. I don't know what the odds are, but I still am pondering if I am still in the psych ward and all this is my imagination. Maybe God is a little behind in answering prayers, a lifetime of ours in God's time is but a blink of God's eye afterall. Maybe things are happening so I can die happy and my time here is short. Or maybe shit is just falling together for me. I haven't had that happen in awhile, but I have had it happen. The best example is how Co and I met and hooked up, so I've had good things like this before.

Oh crap I forgot to finish on the Dr front, it was just a poor message and when I called him he told me he wants me to go on some suppliments to bring up certain components of my blood. I'm still on track with him, now if only I could get those dialators I ordered back in April. 4 emails, 3 phone calls,$175us,1 promise from her to resend them but no dialators yet. It may end up being a $400+ swing if they don't come, and if that happpens I won't be happy.

Love to all , and take care.

Eyeing a bad day...

2006-06-13T06:30:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the kind of day where you drop your favorite sunglasses in the toilet and you haven't flushed yet. I was so mad, I know it was my own pee but I couldn't justify sticking my hand in pee to get them. So I flushed hoping the glasses would stay up and I'd be able to soak them in something to clean them. Nope I had to go to a toilet with a great system that sucked right down. So I walked out with my head down and tried to move on with the day.

A few visits to my customers latter I'm on a park bench talking to a customer at the nursery he owns and as we are talking I catch his 60+ year old eyes focusing down my blouse. I couldn't believe it at first, this guy is my father's age and he's checking out my fucking boobs? Then I remembered the days when I was under the influence of T and the fact he can't help it. It's only been about 3 years since I started the hormones yet it seems like forever ago. I guess it's Kharmatic of sorts, I was always a cleavage man, now I get the other side, if only I had more cleavage.

It's going to take me awhile to get used to being an object to some men. I know it's part of being a woman, I just haven't been exposed to it lately. I usually pick it up pretty quick, especially certain people who wear their feelings on their face. The kind of people I need to play poker with and make some money. Anyway with summer here, my skirts going up, and tops of blouses going down I guess I can expect more of the same.

So I give you one of my favorite songs from a great artist. I call the Stalking Song, you all call it....

My eyes adored you
Frankie Vallie

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far away

Carried your books from school,
Playing make-believe you're married to me:
You were fifth grade, I was sixth
When we came to be
Walking home every day over Barnegat Bridge and Bay,
Till we grew into the me and you
Who went our separate ways

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far

Headed for city lights,
Climbed the ladder up to fortune and fame,
I worked my fingers to the bone,
Made myself a name.
Funny, I seem to find that, no matter how the years unwind,
Still I reminisce about the girI miss
And the love I left behind...

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far

All my life I will remember how warm and tender
We were way back then
Though I'm feeling sad regrets I know I won't ever forget
You, my childhood friend

My eyes adored you
Though I never laid a hand on you,
My eyes adored you
Like a million miles away from me you couldn't see
How I adored you:
So close, so close and yet so far

Love to all and of course take care....

Getting closer to fine...

2006-06-06T06:27:00.000-04:00

I know I've been using my blog to vent anger lately. Believe me I've had little of that emotion, been too busy, but it seems anytime I was turning on the computer I was getting barraged from one of two sources. So since I had the keyboard and blog in front of me, I used it to express and release my anger. It got so bad though that I hated to even turn on the computer and go online for fear I'd just get angry again.

I've gone through some cleansing and told certain people how it is, and have cut myself off from the negative impact of our clashing energy forces and am trying to move on to bigger an better things. Hopefully these certain people will do what's best for both of us, keep their distance, keep their comments to themselves, and their noses out of my business. Only then can I truly move on and grow from the experience.

In the spirit of moving on I've looked hard for Zen-like moments and found a few temporary fixes in the simple pleasures of life. Then I heard this song and remembered that the more you look for innerpeace and the meaning of life the farther you are from it. It's only when you stop looking at things in black and white and stop believing that everything has to have purpose that you find what you were looking for. So thank you Indigo Girls for reminding me how to get closer to fine.

Closer to Fine
The Indigo Girls
I'm trying to tell you something about me life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
Its only life after all
Yeah

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
Im crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a b-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as Id been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I also really believe that my surgery in 69 days (cool 69 dude) (sorry had to) is also only a step closer to fine. So many people go into surgery thinking it is the end all to ending their suffering. Surgery isn't such a magical thing, it merely takes care of one thing wrong in our lives. There are many other things for any human being to work on in their life never mind when they've struggled and fought against hated themselves for so long. I hope I can remember that as it gets closer and keep things in perspective. To be honest I'm just now starting to realize that things are real this time, and I am about to get surgery. I'd be lieing if I said I wasn't scared of things going wrong, but I try not to dwell on the bad too much. All I can do is have faith, keep a positive attitude and keep working closer to fine.

Love to all and of course take care....

Still fuming....

2006-05-25T06:31:00.000-04:00

As you could tell from yesterday's post I'm not a happy camper right now with certain people. I need to express those emotions through song in order to release the negative energy and move on with my life. I know it sounds silly to others, but that is how I deal with things, I take them on head on, handle the emotions associated with things and them move on.

However since certain people don't get the clue and keep on going when they should have moved on themselves awhile ago, I cannot properly deal with things and move on with it. You know the kind of person who cannot take a hint when it's time to leave a party, or how many times is too many times a day to email or call you with their problems. Or even don't realize they are sticking their noses into things just because they believe that only they are smart enough to understand the situation and everyone else is an idiot. You know the kind of person who thinks they are here to save the world but they can't even save themselves.

I've highlighted the pertinent lines in the song on how sometimes when we look back on the past we only remember what we want to. I will warn you the following song is raw and unedited but I assure you it's worth continuing. Enjoy.......

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KEEP GOING ALMOST THERE
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Memories
Like the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then
Or has time rewritten every line
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me - would we? could we?

Memories
May be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

So it is the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember
The way we were

Come on who's more badass than Striesand? Not every song has to have the words f%#@ in it, and it's nice when the don't but still help you say f%#@ you!

I just don't give a f*%#@...

2006-05-23T06:27:00.000-04:00

Ok I know this isn't a song it's a hateful testosterone filled rap. But that my friends is how I'm feeling the last few days. I don't want to get into it, but I've had trouble with a current friend, an old trans friend, an old "normal" friend, and last night an aunt of mine that used to be my favorite made sure I was specifically not invited to an event for my cousin. The same cousin who is more than ok, and who I have been close to for a long time. We used to sneak out and smoke cigs together, she still comes over for our picnics and parties, her mother though is another story. So to go with the mood I give you this week....

I just don't give a f%#@
Eminem

Slim Shady, brain dead like Jim Brady
I'm a M80, you Lil' like that Kim lady
I'm buzzin, Dirty Dozen, naughty rotten rhymer
Cursin at you players worse than Marty Schottenheimer
You wacker than the motherfucker you bit your style from
You ain't gonna sell two copies if you press a double album
Admit it, f%#@ it, while we comin out in the open
I'm doin acid, crack, smack, coke and smokin dope then
My name is Marshall Mathers, I'm an alcoholic (Hi Marshall)
I have a disease and they don't know what to call it
Better hide your wallet cause I'm comin up quick to strip your cash
Bought a ticket to your concert just to come and whip your ass
Bitch, I'm comin out swingin, so fast it'll make your eyes spin
You gettin knocked the f%#@ out like Mike Tyson
The +Proof+ is in the puddin, just ask the Deshaun Holton
I'll slit your motherf%#@er throat worse than Ron Goldman

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!

I'm Nicer than Pete, but I'm on a search to crush a Miilkbone
I'm Everlast-ing, I melt Vanilla Ice like silicone
I'm ill enough to just straight up diss you for no reason
I'm colder than snow season when it's twenty below freezin
Flavor with no seasonin, this is the sneak preview
I'll diss your magazine and still won't get a weak review
I'll make your freak leave you, smell the Folgers crystals
This is a lyrical combat, gentlemen hold your pistols
But I form like Voltron and blast you with my shoulder missiles
Slim Shady, Eminem was the old initials (Bye-bye!)
Extortion, snortin, supportin abortion
Pathological liar, blowin shit out of proportion
The looniest, zaniest, spontaneous, sporadic
Impulsive thinker, compulsive drinker, addict
Half animal, half man
Dumpin your dead body inside of a f%#@in trash can
With more holes than an Afghan

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!

Somebody let me out this limousine (hey, let me out!)
I'm a caged demon, on stage screamin like Rage Against the Machine
I'm convinced I'm a fiend, shootin up while this record is spinnin
Clinically brain dead, I don't need a second opinion
F%#@ droppin the jewel, I'm flippin the sacred treasure
I'll bite your motherf%#@er style, just to make it fresher
I can't take the pressure, I'm sick of bitches
Sick of naggin bosses bitchin while I'm washin dishes
In school I never said much, too busy havin a headrush
Doin too much rush had my face flushed like red blush
Then I went to Jim Beam, that's when my face grayed
Went to gym in eighth grade, raped the women's swim team
Don't take me for a joke I'm no comedian
Too many mental problems got me snortin coke and smokin weed again
I'm goin up over the curb, drivin on the median
Finally made it home, but I don't got the key to get in

So when you see me on your block with two glocks
Screamin _F%#@ the World_ like Tupac
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
Talkin that shit behind my back, dirty mackin
tellin your boys that I'm on crack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
So put my tape back on the rack
Go run and tell your friends my shit is wack
I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!
But see me on the street and duck
Cause you gon' get stuck, stoned, and snuffed
Cause I just don't give a f%%%%%#@!!

And if you think changing all those words didn't make me even crankier you'd be wrong.....

Hurt Trek....

2006-05-16T23:04:00.000-04:00

These are the voyages of the starship irritate
and its 5 year mission
to search out new ways to piss everyone off
to find new lows in hurting feelings
and boldly piss people off
like they've never been pissed off before.

Sorry it's been one of those lifetimes. I'm not going to go into things too much here, since I'll just hurt somebody else's feelings by what I write. I'm tired of all the negative energy from everyone being mad at me. All I ever try to do is help people and when you don't give them your soul when they have everything else, they end up turning on you and treat you like you fucked their pet goat. I'm tired ok so forgive the analogy. I just tired of caring about everyone and always having to worry about their feelings, what I've done to them, and how I've made them feel. Don't I fucking count for anything? I love to help people, but I'd like my own share of things every now and then too. I don't want much, other than a little caring and compassion every now and then. I'm sorry to rant, but I'm at the point right now where I really just want to check out and go move into a fucking cave somewhere. I don't like feeling this way, but I just am feeling the pain I am getting back by caring. Maybe I should be a total asshole to everyone? Maybe I should just put myself first? They say you reap what you sow, but honey I keep planting hearts and keep getting barbed wire plants. All but a few of the close friendships have ended so badly. I guess I give too much and they grow to expect it every day. I'm no fucking saint, and I don't want to sound like I need to be on a cross, but I do keep end up getting the short end of the stick more times than not.

Long pointless rant, but my own words and feelings that needed to get out.

Go screw, and bite me.
(ok that doesn't work, Love to all and of course take care... for now)

A Saturday tune...

2006-05-13T09:35:00.000-04:00

Ok I know tunes are for Tuesday. I was busy working a 14 hour day on Tuesday, and today I have a task that isn't pleasant. Today I go for laser on my crotch to get ready for surgery. I had laser on my face years ago and it wasn't a pleasant experience, the best I can describe the feeling was like in Return of the Jedi when the emperor shoots those lighting bolts out his fingers at Luke. It felt like those little bolts dancing on my face shocking as they fluttered about. I hope it doesn't feel that bad down there. I'm not looking forward to it, but I guess I really have no choice in the matter. The only person that does electrol down there now charges a flat rate of $500 for up to 5 sessions of electrol. If she didn't have such an attitude I might have considered going to her. I know she's had a rough time lately with her mother dieing, but I didn't kill her, so I don't think she should take it out on me. So without further delay.......

Great Balls Of Fire -
Jerry Lee Lewis
(changed by moi)
Born into a male body with a female brain
Got to rid the hair on my main vein
It makes me ill,
wish there were a pill
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire

I've laughed at pain
'cause I thought it was funny
But my crotch burns
and my nose is runny
All this hurt,
Just to be a "skirt'
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire
Kiss them baby,
Shit ,ow, stop it burns.
Can't wait for The Dr to cut me baby.
I want to pee like a woman should
Be fine, so kind
I want to get some without having to be taken from behind,hind,hind
I dig in my nails and I 'crossa my eyes
I'm in real pain, but it no surprise
Come on baby, this is driving me crazy
Goodness, gracious, my balls are on fire!!

*************FOLLOW UP NOTES*************

Ok I've had my share of experience with pain, and let me tell you by far, that was the worst yesterday. I've broken my jaw, dislocated my knee, had my cup cracked playing hockey,had a few concussions, and endured countless hours of electrolysis, yet I've never felt pain that intense. I'd have to rate it at about 5 to 10 times the most painfully electrol pain I've ever felt. Luckily it's 20 times faster so it works out. The pain equation is on the positive side for me so I can't complain too much. I will say if you are thinking about it beware. It feels like somebody stuck a hot curling iron in your crotch. MMMMM thats a pretty picture no?

Ashley's musical review...

2006-05-13T09:18:00.000-04:00

Last night I was lucky enough to get free tickets to see Frankie Valli at the casino last night. It was a special by invitation only event and a friend from work happens to be somewhat of a high roller and received tickets.

At first glance of Frankie I thought he was Joe Pesce's brother and had just been wheeled out of the local nursing home. His face showed the years he's lived. With his resemblance to Pesce I have expected to break into a song with a chorus of "fuck you, you fucking fuck." Luckily I have an overactive imagination and it didn't happen.

It amazed me that I was amongst the youngest person in the crowd. My other coworker friend Holly is 5 months younger so I wasn't the youngest. Yet I knew every song but three. He played all the old favorites including on of my favorite songs "My eyes adored you." Aka the stalking song, or from the line "though I never laid a hand on you" it's also been called the Catholic priest legal defense anthem. (yeah like I'm not going to hell already?) Seriously it was excellent, other than the fact nobody got up to dance till almost the end, and it was our young group doing it. Of course most of the crowd had to run home to catch the Golden Girls, or re-apply the Fixadent.

As slow as they started Frankie did show lots of energy by the end of the show. His back-up singers "The 4 seasons" who are obvious replacements considering none of them look old enough to have even been born for "Grease" carried the show at times. I can honestly say overall despite his age, he had the right people around him to put on one hell of a show.

While I can't say I would have paid $25 to see him if you are from that era or like me love music from all decades it's worth it to you to see him once. It's kinda like going to see the Statue of Liberty, or other old landmark. For this one you better hurry since the Grim Reaper may decide to whack him soon like they did to him on the Sopranos.

Time...

2006-05-07T19:17:00.000-04:00

It amazes me lately how our concept of time fluctuates so in life. As you can see by my countdown clock on the right I'm below 100 days and counting till the big day. To me it seems right around the corner. I've hardly had much time to worry about things until now, but as we get closer I am starting to have some of the usual worries about something happening(ie job loss, hurricane, being kidnapped by religious zealots and sent to a republican retraining camp and be forced to go back to my old male self.) Ok the last one is a bit far fetched but hey you never know these days.

Luckily and sadly I've been too busy to worry too much. Between the 2 jobs I haven't had a day off since Easter and I'm not seeing one in sight to maybe Memorial day. If not I'm going to put in a request for a Saturday off.

I'm also toying with going back to school and continuing my adolescent dream of being a therapist. I don't know if I have the drive it will take to pick up the ball and start running again, but I do know I need to finish this task first before I get too far ahead of myself and stumble.

Hopefully I'll talk to y'all soon. BTW modified salad diet aka high fiber diet 3lbs lost in week 1. :)

Love to all, take care and big hugs.

Because I'm Fat...

2006-05-02T07:01:00.000-04:00

Fat
Weird Al Yankovic

Your butt is wide, well mine is too
Just watch your mouth or I'll sit on you
The word is out, better treat me right
'Cause I'm the king of cellulite
Ham on, ham on, ham on whole wheat, all right

My zippers bust, my buckles break
I'm too much man for you to take
The pavement cracks when I fall down
I've got more chins than Chinatown

Well, I've never used a phone booth
And I've never seen my toes
When I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat

When I walk out to get my mail
It measures on the Richter scale
Down at the beach I'm a lucky man
I'm the only one who gets a tan
If I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code

When you're only having seconds
I'm having twenty-thirds
When I go to get my shoes shined
I gotta take their word

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, sha mone
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two pounds
Lemme tell you once again who's fat

If you see me comin' your way
Better give me plenty space
If I tell you that I'm hungry
Then won't you feed my face

Because I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
Woo woo woo, when I sit around the house
I really sit around the house

You know I'm fat, I'm fat, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know, you know, you know, come on
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a crowd
Lemme tell you once again

You know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, you know, hoo
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat, you know it, you know
(Fat, fat, really really fat)
And the whole world knows I'm fat and I'm proud
Just tell me once again who's fat

Ok I'm sorry I know I'm far from fat, ok maybe down the street, but I had to use this song today on day 2 of the diet. Scale hasn't gone down yet, but of course I didn't expect it to plummet right away. I'll keep you up to date as needed.

Love to all, take care, and be fat and happy...

Salad Daze...

2006-05-01T07:04:00.000-04:00

Well having enough already I finally figured it was time for me to try a diet. I have to lose 10lbs for my surgery in August, even though I'm pretty sure I'm pretty fit right now. It doesn't matter I guess that I am well below the normal threshold of 200lbs most surgeons use, but I could stand to lose a dress size or 2 as well.

Courtney also wants to lose some weight, so this week we are trying an odd diet of sorts. Normal reasonable breakfast: english muffin, cereal, bagel(no cream cheese). 100 calorie snack or piece of fruit for a morning snack. Salad for lunch, no meat or cheese on it. Another snack in the afternoon with the same rules as the morning snack. For supper another salad this time with a 1/4cup of meat on it if you chose. All week you are only allowed 3 low fat desserts to be split amongst the 5 days. I'm also going to make up my green tea and cranberry juice cocktail to substitute for some soda consumption. Of course we will be walking everynight as well to burn some extra calories and get that metabolic rate up too.

I'm not going to put how much we weigh now, but I will let you know how much we lose if anything. I am worried that it may be a short trip since that much salad may have a nasty side effect. In the meantime be good, and try our new diet plan if you dare.

Love to all, and take care...

Tuesdays tune....

2006-04-18T06:56:00.000-04:00

Girl you'll be a woman soon Redux
Performed by Neil Diamond & Urge Overkill
Lyrics playfully changed by me
to
"Dude, You'll be A Woman Soon"
Dude, you'll be a woman... soon

I love you so much, can't count all the ways
I've died for you girl and all they can say is
"You're not my kind"
They never get tired of putting me down
And I'll never know when I come around
What I'm gonna find
Don't let them make up your mind.
Don't you know...

Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
To pee you won't have to stand.
Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
Soon, you won't be a man

I've been misunderstood for all of my life
I found a girl that's born from a knife
And it's all good
Well I've finally found what I'm a looking for
But if they get their chance they'll end it for sure
Surely would
Baby I've done all I could
Now it's up to you...

Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
To pee you won't have to stand.
Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
Soon, you won't be a man

Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
Please, come take my hand
Dude, you'll be a woman soon,
Soon,yeah soon, you won't be a man.

Ok you all behave and don't start commenting on not being a man shit or not becoming a real woman. I know what I was, am and will be, I don't need reminders. I just wanted to have fun and use my twisted little brain to screw around with some lyrics. I'm working crazy hours this week so I won't be on again most likely. Hope I made you smile.

Love to all and of course take care.

It's a really small world...

2006-04-13T22:57:00.000-04:00

Last summer I found out a childhood friend of mine had passed away. I thought I had blogged about it but can't seem to find the entry. Anyway we grew up together, played little league together, went to jr high together etc. and obviously his death shocked me and made me wonder what happened to him. His obit said he worked for a sister paper of ours, so I asked someone who would have known him if they knew him or what happened they did not. So I put it in the back of my head except when I'd go by the park we used to play in or our old Jr. high.

Well fast forward to tonight and I'm working the new job and I meet this older gal who is training me. She's been there forever so I'm asking her about her experience in the store, and she starts telling me her life story, including the death of her son last year. It didn't click right away, but when she started talking about where they lived I decided to ask her how old her son was? 35. His first name? Check. Last name? Check, it was him. She proceeded to tell me what happened to him and how he died. Basically he had some back surgery, got hooked on oxycontin and od'd. He became a junkie and it cost him his life. I was both saddened by this news but relieved to know it as well. I was more shocked that something like this happened. What are the chances that I would run into the mother of a dead childhood friend when I had never met her before? I found my closure on what happened to my friend without even having to look for it. It amazes me truly how this seems to be the story of my life, right place, right time, weird life. I'm thinking more and more I am in that padded room rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

Love to all, take care and g'nite.

Life...

2006-04-13T06:18:00.000-04:00

Tuesdays tune took a week off this week, had too much going on for me to worry about it for now. It's funny how life tries to even things out even when such good things are happening. I've had such a good string of great things happening lately that it doesn't take much to let me down.

On the good news front I've got my SRS date, my hotel booked, my flight booked, my travel companions set. I will be in good hands as Court will be coming with, and our friend Viv who happens to live down there will be hosting us and helping make all this possible. Incredibly it is Viv's b-day on the day we arrive. She was there on Court's b-day before her surgery, so now Viv will be the next one who is due for surgery and we can be both be there for her.

It was a nice feeling until the other night when I found out one of my tenants tried to kill themselves. I'm starting to develop a complex that maybe it's me. Actually he's just a 20 something kid and barely talks to me unless I see him at the convienance store he works(ed) at, so it's not me. I also had a bit of a bump in the road with a friend. It tore me up inside more than usual. I don't know if it's because I was so high on the SRS thing, or because I had just gotten my shot.

Then yesterday I had the displeasure of going to talk to a laser hair removal Dr. who used to be a customer of mine. I figured she knew about me, but wasn't sure and hated the fact I had to do the coming out thing all over again. I hadn't had to do that in over 2 years to a customer and I didn't like it. What made things worse is she wasn't nice about it. Not that she scolded me for being a tranny, no she scolded me for how she found out. She said she became suspicious when I was nervous around her and wouldn't keep eye contact. She then figured it out by other cues like my size and how I "walk like a man." Now I may be a bit heavier than I was when I met her, but then I was no where near big looking. I also have never walked like a man. I saw it in her eyes, and she just wouldn't admit that I was right. I told her I could see in her face that she knew from the first time I met her. I hate to admit, but there are people that I can read like a book, and she couldn't admit that she was one of them. It's my job to read people and their reactions as I try to push them towards a sale, this wasn't a sale unfortunately. She then told me that I would need to try and get 3 treatments before surgery and couldn't guarantee that it would get rid of all the hair. She wants me to check with the Dr. and get back to her if it is ok. I have my reservations and think I will be better off going the electrology route. As much as it will hurt more and take longer, I know it works, don't have to worry about hair growing back as much, and can get it done quicker.

Ah life is grand, just when you think you've got everything figured out a few problems pop up and remind you that it is impossible to be in control, you just have to ride the wave. At least the problems are minor in nature right now, but I am concerned about the hair removal before surgery. Hopefully things will work out soon.

Love to all, and take care.

Pinch me I'm dreaming...

2006-04-07T19:46:00.000-04:00

Well I actually have a date, and with a Doctor to boot. He's older but nice. He is a little fresh though because when I see him he wants me to lay down on my back and spread my legs so he can rip me a new one with his tool.

In other words for all of you with sick minds I have a date with Dr. Reed for srs. I bet you were thinking sick thoughts and didn't think his tool was referring to his surgical tools, and I will be getting a new one so to speak.

I never really thought this day would come so soon. Just back in November I was looking into getting an orchi since I thought I wouldn't be able to afford surgery for a few years. Well luckily God decided to smile on me and send a string of luck my way. And now on August 14th of this year I will be forever changed for the better.

Part of me is questioning whether this is all real or if I'm in a padded room somewhere imagining it all as I rock back and forth in an upright fetal position. Things have been too odd so you can't blame me as good things are happening on different birthdays. Things started on my birthday when I found out mom got approved for the loan we were going in on. Then on her birthday a month later we got the estimate for the upgrades to the apartment house and found out what portion of the loan I would get and be responsible for paying. Then yesterday on Co's bday I got my date for surgery. Which I will be flying to on Aug 11th, which just happens to be the birthday of the girl court and I are staying with before my surgery. Wouldn't you question your sanity too.

Of course if I was really imagining it couldn't I just imagine I was a genetic girl already? Or that I won the powerball and didn't have to work? Had bigger boobs, weighed less, or had more hair? I don't think I'd be imagining having to look nightly for the best prices on flights either. So for now I'm believing it's real, and even if it isn't it's real to me and reality is in the mind of the beholder.

I've added a countdown clock for now but will have to change the hour and minutes once I find out for sure when I have to be in on the 14th. It seems like a long time, but in the scheme of things after struggling all these years it will be a few shakes of a dogs tail I'm sure.

Love to all, take care and g'nite

Don't you know.....

2006-04-04T22:26:00.000-04:00

Chain Gang
Sam Cooke

I hear somethin' sayin'
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)

(Well, don't you know)
That's the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang
That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang

All day long they're singin'
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)
(hooh! aah!) (hooh! aah!)

(Well, don't you know)
That's the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang
That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang

All day long they work so hard
Till the sun is goin' down
Working on the highways and byways
And wearing, wearing a frown
You hear them moanin' their lives away
Then you hear somebody sa-ay

That's the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang
That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang

Can't ya hear them singin'
Mm, I'm goin' home one of these days
I'm goin' home see my woman
Whom I love so dear
But meanwhile I got to work right he-ere

(Well, don't you know)
That's the sound of the men working on the chain ga-a-ang
That's the sound of the men working on the chain gang

All day long they're singin', mm
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my work is so hard
Give me water, I'm thirsty

My work is so hard

This song fits lately as I've been working allot lately. I really haven't had as much free time lately, but that is a good thing too. Less free time means less time to worry about things, when you are busy things just come and you take care of them.

I'm having mixed feelings about my jobs right now. I really hate one of them right now, and feel a bit overwhelmed at the other right now. I can't go into any further since I never know who's watching the page, but from the lack of comments I doubt many are, sometimes it feels like I'm talking to myself.

Anyway mostly everything is well, I'm still waiting to get a call back from Dr. Reed for my consultation. I think I will call his office during lunch tomorrow to see what's up. I'm going to head to bed, I just worked a 14 hour day, and I need some zzzz's.

Love to all,take care and g'nite.

A friend hurt...

2006-03-28T06:27:00.000-05:00

For all the good things going on in my life lately there is still so much pain around me. I see someone hurting in the community all the time. I feel so bad for them all, and want to help everyone I can. But I keep telling myself I'm no super hero, nor do I play one on TV. All I can do is to lend a helpful ear, a bit of advice now and then, and offer a shoulder on which to cry. I've pulled away from allot of the community and only hang with a few folks so I don't get exposed to too much.

Last night though I had to lend a hand to a friend who was tired of hurting and wanted it all to stop. Thankfully she didn't try hard enough. I've been there, done that, still have guilt and such over what I did, and how I'm still here. I feel for her, my scars are very fresh as I was working on the part of my book which is my journal from when I was in the looney bin. I'm going to have to stop for awhile and let these feelings settle just a bit, I don't want to stir them up too much and end up having to deal with that shit all over again.

I hope though I can be a friend to her, and be there for her as she goes through her own shit.She already is lucky to have a friend like Court who spent hours waiting to hear how she is at the hospital, she may still be there today. I don't know if the words fit how she feels or not, if I knew she was hurting so bad I think I would have tried to find her help. This is close to how I felt when I did my attempt, so it will have to do I guess. So for a friend who will remain nameless who has been hurting for awhile today's Tuesday's tune is dedicated to you......

Hurt
Johnny Cash version

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Big wheel keeps on turning.....

2006-03-26T07:26:00.000-05:00

Wow I can't believe that things are finally starting to move along after so long of stagnation and doubt. The way things are going right now things are about to get going so fast the next 5 months are going to fly by.

A week ago I sent a small deposit to the surgeon I've chosen for my srs along with a consent letter and of course a letter explaining my approval letters will be coming from the clinic. I of course also had to send a letter to the clinic in order for them to release my medical information. So you think I'd just sit and wait? Not me I also had to deal with getting a new part time job to help with the airfare, hotel, spending $ etc that I'd need for surgery.

I must be getting better at the interview process or maybe it's because it's retail that I got 2 offers from 2 interviews and only 4 applications. I actually took one of the jobs, but later had to decline for a better offer. I feel bad, but it's a difference of $2 an hour and in retail that's big $.

I don't want to say the name of the company here, but I have to say I was pleasantly surprised to see during orientation that they offer same sex couple benefits. At first I thought it was just because of the state we lived in, but I noticed it did pertain to the country together as a whole. I also had to take a 2nd look at the CT w-4 form that listed civil unions. I guess that things have come a long way. I am happy that society is starting to open up to at least some of the GLBT umbrella. I don't know if they know about me or not, nor am I going to discuss it with anyone there unless I am confronted with it by HR. I'm not going to make the same mistakes twice. I wouldn't doubt though that they know from the background check and to be honest I don't think they care. I know of at least one other person who is trans that happens to work for the same company at a different location. I also did refuse a sales job with this company a few years ago, and he definitely knew about me, I had to tell him since one of my old bosses that knew was his brother in-law. He didn't care, he was surprised to say the least, but didn't care and more importantly told me in no uncertain terms that this big company didn't care. It's nice to see a big company that cares more about what you do for them than what you are.

Now I'm just waiting for the Dr. to get back to me for my phone consult and scheduling. Well wait isn't a good term I guess since I for the next week have 3 jobs. I have to give my notice for the cleaning job and will stay through next weekend for him. Once that's done I'll still be working over 60-70 hours a week between the two jobs. I have to do what I have to do though, I didn't come this far to fall a few grand short. As long as things go well I do plan to keep this new part-time job even after surgery too. It seems like a good company and could someday serve as a fulltime job if I burn out on sales, but that I think is a ways down the road.

Anyway gotta go get ready, have to go back for more classes, go clean and then go see the kids. I'll keep you guys informed as I get more information on the surgery.

Love to all and of course take care.

Did I push her over the edge?..

2006-03-22T06:28:00.000-05:00

I was shocked to hear yesterday that a girl I dated for a short time just got arrested for countless cruelty and neglect to animals charges. She wasn't trying to be mean to them but instead had a rescue in her home that just got too big and too much for her and the authorities were called to shut her down. I feel bad for her, I've worked with rescue types when I sold pet food and when I worked at the feed stores. These people love the animals more than most people and the animals become their children. To be accused of hurting them instead of helping them must be devastating for her.

What I have to wonder though is what got her into animal rescue. The article listed her as Ms. and she is still using her maiden name which means she most likely isn't married. Now not to be prejudice or anything but most animal rescue people are lesbians. They have no kids of their own to take care of yet they still have that instinct built in to care and nurture something so they turn to animals. Not a bad thing, just an observation.

Now lets get back to the dating thing. I was never a Casanova by any means, most people I know have slept with more people than I have kissed. Well her and I dated for a short time between K and Co. I had known her from hs and even was going to take her to the prom until one of my other friends talked me out of it. So she forgives me a year later and we go out on a few dates. I kept trying so hard to get her to kiss me, and enlisted the female in the other couple of our double date routine into lending a hand. So she talks to her on the third date and finally gets her to agree to kiss me goodnight. Well like I said I didn't get laid much. As we are kissing the fireworks I'd been hoping for weren't there, we were going in two different directions at the same time. Unfortunately I decided to use my critique in a comical way and said "don't worry, we'll get it right next time." To which she burst into tears slammed the door and ran into the house, we never spoke again. Knowing what I know now I wonder if I was a slight push that made her hate men all together and finally accept the way she was born. What did you think I was going to say I turned her gay? That my friends is so not possible, if I could do that I wouldn't be selling ads.

I feel bad for her right now, yet if I'm right and she is a lesbian I'm kind of laughing right now. I find it hilarious that a now tranny and Lesbian once dated as boy and girl and shared a kiss that didn't work out. I'm tempted to look her up and send my sympathy to her, who knows now that things have changed in my life she may want to be friends again. Of course I could be wrong about her sexuality and a note from me could make her totally flip out and go up to a belltower with a hunting rifle.

I'm going to have to think this one over. If you have any suggestions feel free to comment.

Love to all and take care.

Extremes...

2006-03-21T06:22:00.000-05:00

I go to extremes
Billy Joel

Call me a joker, call me a fool
Right at this moment I'm totally cool
Clear as a crystal, sharp as a knife
I feel like I'm in the prime of my life
Sometimes it feels like I'm going too fast
I don't know how long this feeling will last
Maybe it's only tonight

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Out of the darkness, into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

No I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low
There ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm gone
I won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

I don't know why...I don't know why...
I don't know why...I don't know why...
Out in the dark...into the light...

This song basically sums it up for me lately. Some days I'm doing cartwheels at work other days I'm slipping down to a quiet corner to cry. No I'm not bi-polar, I'm merely in a tough time in my transition. Surgery is looming over the horizon and I keep waiting for something to go wrong and screw the whole thing up somehow just like before. I've been close before, but as everyday goes by I'm going into new territory being closer than before.

I'm not alone in this mind you. This major transition brings with it swings that are high and low. To change something so fundamental in your life really isn't an easy thing to say the least. Life on it's own is filled with enough change and transition on its own. Those of us who chose to change the way that they live their life and how society sees them for better or worse, things can be a bit amped up a bit. So we all tend to have our extremes, the key to surviving them is to not celebrate the highs too much, or mourn the lows too bad. Both can be just as dangerous a trap to fall into. I try to live in the middle, so far it seems to be working out ok.

Love to all and of course take care.

Eww and oohh?..

2006-03-14T06:40:00.000-05:00

Stinkfist
by Tool

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom’s not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn’t want you
Any other way.

Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we’ll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

But, it’s not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don’t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I’m alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it’s something you’ll get used to.
Relax. slip away.

Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can it mean anything to me
If I really don’t feel anything at all?

I’ll keep digging till,
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. turn around and take my hand.

Ok those of you with a high IQ or a sick mind know what they are singing about. I was actually amazed how many people don't know the words to songs when I attended a concert Tool put on back in 01. Of course I will admit that they are hard to understand, and I do find myself doublechecking what I think I heard often. So even though it's an eww, it reminds me about how in her presentation at first event Marci told us how she was asked "how soon till we can fist f*&% again after surgery?" Well I hope I'm that excited about using my new anatomy one day. This song though also talks about something that too many people don't explore. Not so much in giving or taking a fist, but in trying something different. So many times in life we refuse to do something just before we never did it before. I'm not saying to do odd things, but if you have someone special that you have sex with, try something a little different, the worse thing that could happen is it doesn't work and you get a laugh out of it.

Speaking of that it's time for the "oohh?" part. Depending on how a particular meeting goes today at work I should be calling a certain Dr. down in Fla to book a date for srs. I will let you know when I know. I don't want to go into too much now, but when I get my date expect allot.

Love to all, be nice to each other, and take care.

Pandora's box...

2006-03-07T19:28:00.000-05:00

Ok I know I promised this awhile ago and I did write this blog already but it failed to publish and is currently floating around somewhere in never-never land. Maybe it might be better off there, but I have to say what I have to say, even if I piss some folks off in the process.

Ok flashback to a few years ago. There was a big stink out there all about one Josef Kirchner aka the regrettable tranny. Josef had found a "cure" for transexualism and was condemning us for wanting to go through the surgery and/or supporting surgery. You see he had transitioned early in life, and found after awhile it was a big mistake. Now unfortunately at the time he wasn't too pleasant to most trannies, he was pissed, which I guess I can't blame him on. He was however willing to talk.

I started to send him emails, and our conversations were hostile at first, which was partially my fault. I was new to transition and thought I was hot shit and knew everything and thought I could talk some sense into him. Well a funny thing happened though, we started to agree on stuff to a point. I found a connection with the monster everyone else saw. We both thought that changes needed to happen to the system for us. Of course my changes were a bit less drastic than his gasoline and torch approach. Regardless over time our emails got less hostile and I found an ok place with him. Even from the beginning I felt such pain for what he was going through and over time didn't pay much attention to the venomous words he was using.

Well fast forward to today and Josef has done what he can to reverse some of the stuff he had done and is living as much of man as he can. Along the way though he learned he was wrong about the curing part. He realized he was brainwashed by a manipulative bunch of folks who got inside his head and made him think that we had done all this to him. Through a bunch of pain he has apologized and tried to reach out to our group but to little avail. Which I find horrible.

We have all been through a great deal and this poor soul has been through double if not more. He was used by zealots who's only agenda is to destroy our kind and was put through hell. I know he made some very public mistakes and said some hurtful stuff, but who reading this isn't human? I'm not saying to give the guy a parade or anything, but a little compassion wouldn't hurt. If we can't be open and accepting to someone in our own community how can we expect others not in our community to do so?

Ok I've said my peace, and how I feel on his story. If you'd like to hear about it in his own words and see the underlying reasons that I don't feel is my place to share just google his name and find his site. It's been a long time since I've had to add a link to a post not to mention I don't want to have folks just clicking to slam the guy.

Lets leave mistakes of the past live there and try to live for less mistakes ahead of us.

Love to ALL, take care....

Tuesday's tune

2006-03-07T19:17:00.000-05:00

Freedom 90
George Michael

I won't let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It's the one good thing that I've got
I won't let you down
So please don't give me up
Because I would really, realy love to stick around, oh yeah

Heaven knows that I was just a young boy
Didn't know what I wanted to be
I was every little hungry schoolgirl's pride and joy
And I guess it was enough for me
To win the race? A prettier face!
Brand new clothes and a big fat place
On your rock and roll TV
But today the way I play the game is not the same
No way
Think I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I told you so
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone else I've got to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Take back your singing in the rain
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy
What a kick just a buddy and me
We had every big shot good-time band on the run boy
We were living in a fantasy
We won the race
Got out of the place
I went back home got a brand new face
For the boys on MTV
But today the way I play the game has got to change
Oh yeah
Now I'm gonna get myself happy

I think there's something you should know
I think it's time I stopped the show
There's something deep inside of me
There's someone I forgot to be
Take back your picture in a frame
Don't think that I'll be back again
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

All we have to do now
Is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see
Is that I don't belong to you
And you don't belong to me
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take
Freedom
You've gotta give for what you take

Well it looks like the road to heaven
But it feels like the road to hell
When I knew which side my bread was buttered
I took the knife as well
Posing for another picture
Everybody's got to sell
But when you shake your ass
They notice fast
And some mistakes were built to last

That's what you get
I say that's what you get
That's what you get for changing your mind

And after all this time
I just hope you understand
Sometimes the clothes
Do not make the man

I'll hold on to my freedom
May not be what you want from me
Just the way it's got to be
Lose the face now
I've got to live

Ok I know I don't seem to be the kind of person who would listen to pop crap. However anyone who knows me knows I listen to music for it's lyrics more than anything. This song says so much to me about living your life for you and not as other people want you to be.

I found my own freedom of sorts when I transitioned, but also found out quickly I also had the freedom to live by my own rules and morals. Fortunately it has worked out very good so far. I don't know of a single person who has as good as a relationship with their spouse as I have been able to maintain. I may have lost having a romantic relationship with her, but in the process found what love and friendship truly are. I have also made some really good friends in this journey while not having to change who I was in order to get them.

You see transitioning on it's own wasn't finding the true me, what I've done since I've attained my new freedom though is. I've found a way to be true to myself and not go crazy once I started living as what I should have been all along. It makes it worth all the pain I've been through knowing I was able to keep the good things about me while so much in my life changed.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Lets see if this pisses anyone off...

2006-02-28T06:38:00.000-05:00

Ok this is not a pretty song by any choice, and it has nothing to do with a friend of mine with a similar name.

At first glance it appears the song is anti-Christian, I believe it is more anti-hypocritical born agains. You know the people who claim that they know God and the rest of us are idiots destined to burn. Yet these same people are the ones who always seem to be having trouble and their "god" isn't around.

The problem isn't the existence of God, the problem is man doing shitty things to each other "in the name of god". I won't get into semantics here, I totally believe God does exist. While I'm not sure which way is the right way to worship him/her, I still believe. But also at the same time there is evil, and sometimes evil uses "good" to accomplish it's deeds. This song my friends is for all those people who think their spiritual shit don't stink and the rest of the worlds does and the evil deeds they do without knowing it.

"Judith"
A perfect circle

You're such an inspiration
For the ways
That I'll never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways for me to show you
How your savior has abandoned you

(FUCK Your God)
Your Lord, your Christ
(He did this)
Took all you had and
(Left you this way)
Still you pray, never stray, never
(Taste of the fruit)
Never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear
Into his side
Praise the one who left you
Broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you...

He did it all for you...

Oh so many ways
For me to show you
How your dogma has abandoned you

(Pray)
To your Christ, to your God
(Never taste of the fruit)
Never stray, never break, never
(Choke on a lie)
Even though he's the one who
(Did this to you)
You never thought to question why

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a spiteful spear
Into his side
Talk to Jesus Christ
As if he knows the reasons why
He did it all for you...

He did it all for you...

He did it all for you...

Love to all, take care and g'day....

It's not easy being green...

2006-02-21T20:44:00.000-05:00

"It's Not Easy Bein' Green" (lyrics by Joe Rapposo)
Sung by Kermit the frog

It's not that easy bein' green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold-
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy bein' green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water- or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain, or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why? Wonder,
I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

Sometimes it's not easy being trans either. As humans we all seem to spend so much time wishing we were different or had more. I wish I had surgery, I wish I didn't get grouped in so much by the uninformed with the freaks they show on tv. I wish I could just be me and not have to make excuses or work so hard for something most people never have to worry about.

Yeah unlike Kermit I'm not happy with myself these days, but after so many years of hating what I was who could blame me? I have had a tough time and have been through allot. I am happy for what I have though. I have employment, I have love and friendship, I have a future of sorts, I have survived through adversity, I have my looks, and of course my modesty too. For all that I don't have I do have allot, for as hard as it has been in finally becoming me I have discovered along the way the true meaning to many things. I know what true love and friendship are. I've learned how low one can go into despair and how hard it is to climb back up. I've learned how to win even when you lose. I've learned when you "lose everything" you still got something. Most importantly I've learned to express myself, to let myself be free, to cry, to listen, how to wipe away another's tears and how to be a real friend.

As hard of a time I have had, I've been blessed with many life lessons, and have made some of the closest friends along the way. I'm still standing, ain't dead yet, and as long as there is fight in me I hope to be doing so for awhile longer.

Thanks to all those who have helped make it a little bit better even though I'm not happy being green.

Love to all and g'nite.

Moods...

2006-02-16T05:44:00.000-05:00

It still amazes me this far into things how much our moods can be effected by hormones. I'veseen with the injectables it is worse than on the pills. Of course the majority of the pills go down the toilet while the injectable stays and works in you. When you first get the shot it's a high, shortly turning into hotflashes and bitchy. After a few days I feel human for about a week, and then the cries come into until day 14 when it's time for the next round.

It's hard sometimes going through a second puberty in your 30's. The first one was hard enough on it's own, and now 20 years later here I am back there but this time in the right direction. I've gotten a few sarcastic "oh you poor baby" from some gen friends since they get their period once a month. Unfortunately with the shots I'm on a every two week mood rollercoaster and hotflash fest.

As much as it is hard I wouldn't trade it for the old life. These are my dues to pay as I try to be as close to female as I can. I can't ever get fully there, I cannot menstruate or have kids. I didn't grow up being told I was no good in math or science. I do know what it's like though to get the shit kicked out of me for being different, not fitting in, having a horrible mental body image etc. I also know what it's like to be treated in work like a woman, not gotten jobs etc just because I'm perceived as a woman. Of course I won't go into what happens when they figure I'm trans, that my freinds isn't pretty. So as you can see I have experienced hardships of my own.

But in the same breath I have experienced privledge from my male life. Yes I worked my ass off but because of that AND the fact I had a penis I advanced in my career and lived the life. Sad as it sounds a penis is a key that opens many doors. In giving up my maleness I also gave up a privledge I didn't know I had. It wasn't until I tried to make it in this world as a woman that it became apparent what being a man got me. It's a mans world still and sometimes that sucks, but I wouldn't go back for a moment for all that privledge. I will just take that drive I learned as a man and be one of the hardest working women out there.

Sometimes all the crap we have to go through just to be us is overwhelming. But lately I try to look at them as battle stripes. Each crisis or tragedy made through is another we can say we survived and are stronger for. Of course sometimes they hit at once and you feel like you are going to drown in sorrow. I have been through more than my fair share of my own and my friends shit. I have scratched and crawled my way to where I am, and have found great help from friends along the way. No matter how tattered and torn I appear, no matter how down my moods may go I am still here. I see a light at the end of this tunnel, and even though I might not get things exactly the way I want I will get what I need.

Love to all and take care.

Tuesdays tune

2006-02-14T18:52:00.000-05:00

Show me the way
Styx

Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way

And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away

And if I see a light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away
Show me the way, show me the way
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday
Show me the way

Every night I say a prayer
In the hope that there's a heaven...

Yeah I know it seems out of character for me to use a song like this,but I have to admit I've always loved Styx. In my youth and young adulthood I used to blast their music and learned every song I could and still sing them at the top of my lungs if they happen to come on while I'm in the car. I think it came out around the time of the first gulf war and holds a special place with me.

It also fits lately as I get close to a big milestone in my journey, and am trying to figurewhich way to go. I just got word yesterday that mom is going to be loaning me more than half the money I need for srs if I go with Montreal or Marci. I also have the option of not having to come up with a lot of extra $ and going with Dr. Reed. I've talked with Co and Court and they both agree I shouldn't settle for something so big. It's hard though as I worry that in the meantime something will happen and I won't be able to get surgery if I wait.

In a perfect world if $ wasn't in the equation as much I'd go with Marci in a heartbeat. I like her approach and attitude of wanting the best results for each and every patient. Most likely I will end up in Montreal. Even though I consider it a second choice I feel totally comfortable with them, well ok Dr. Brassard I should say no way is Menard touching me. It's also easier and cheaper to travel 6 hours by car than it is to fly out to Trinidad.

The other part of the song I love is the "Every night I say a prayer in the hope that there's a heaven" line. Recently I've been trying to focus on the good things in life and keep coming back to how hard a tranny's life is. I have come to hope that there is some sort of reward in the afterlife or next life for all the shit we have to endure. I don't want to start a pity party, but it is hell to have to lose everything to be who you were meant to be in the first place.

So there you have this weeks tune. I'm hoping I find my way and hopefully will be done with this portion of my journey by the time September comes. I'm going to have to work my ass off until then, hope for some luck, maybe a Powerball win, and of course a prayer or two wouldn't hurt either.

Love to all and take care.

another poem before vd.....

2006-02-13T07:07:00.000-05:00

Ok tomorrow is Valentines Day or as I call it vd. I know it sounds nasty to make a day sopposed to be about love to sound like a disease but that is my opinion and I'm sticking to it. I think it's awful that we are told that on this one day you HAVE TO express your love for the one you love and if you don't you are an asshole. Love isn't just about vd, it's everyday. It's not buying a dozen roses at 3 times the normal price because you are told to. It's bringing that person flowers on just a normal day, just because you want to.

Love is not something to be regulated or institutionalized. Yes there is the institute of mariage, but again that is one created by man to control other men. They tell you who you can and cannot mary, for no reason other than their own moral preferance. To me that is why there is this big moral outrage against gay mariage, they are losing another bit of control over us. We aren't conforming to their idea of a perfect world. I don't like black and white in life, I love lots of colors and shades of gray. I hope that someday society will get over it's bugaboo's and that one day there won't be a forced day of love, but that people will show their love for each other everyday of the year.

Enjoy....

My advice

I’ve lost in love
More than my share
But I guess I’m to blame
For my lack of care.

I get easily hurt
For I’m quick to fall
Under the spell that cupid
And the arrow he shoots at us all.

I open up quickly
I easily trust
But in this day in age
Caution’s a must

For love is serious
It’s pure and it’s true
But not all feel like this
So cautious be you.

My advice my friend
Is short and it’s simple
Be cautious in love
For it’s like a pimple

It springs up one day
Just out of nowhere
And grows really fast
Like an old man’s nose hair.

And then one day
It bursts in a pop
You’re left with a scar
And covered in slop.

Be cautious my friend
In affairs of the heart
Be mindful and guarded
Before it can start.

True love is rare
Of this be certain
Most won’t find it
Before life’s final curtain.

Be careful who you love
For they may not love you back
And leave you with nothing
But the clothes on your back.

Love can be something special
Yes that is true
But just remember one thing

No matter how many times
You try
No matter how many times
You lose.
The one person you must love in this life
Is
Y
O
U

Been a long time...

2006-02-10T06:42:00.000-05:00

I haven't put up a poem here in a long time. Hell I haven't written anything for that matter in a while. Last night I had inspiration to write a few, and I wanted to share this one. It's not the best but it was the quickest to transcribe from paper to computer.

The Search

Sometimes we go searching
Sometimes we think we find
What has been lacking in our lives,
Our heats.
Our minds.

Curious creatures we humans are.
Always looking for that piece to fulfill us
Both near
And far.

Sometimes we thing we’ve found it
That everything is going to be ok
That special something
Or someone
That makes you want to live another day.

Alas it is said
The best laid plans of mice and men
For sometimes what we find.
Is not that special something
We thought it was in our mind.

So I go on and keep searching
For what it is I need
I hope I find it someday
So I can rest in peace.

Tuesdays tune...

2006-02-07T18:13:00.000-05:00

Down in hole

Alice in Chains

Bury me softly in this womb
I give this part of me for you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers
In a tomb...in bloom

Down in a hole and I don’t know if I can be saved
See my heart I decorate it like a grave
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be

Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly,
But my wings have been so denied

Down in a hole and they’ve put all
The stones in their place
I’ve eaten the sun so my tongue
Has been burned of the taste
I have been guilty
Of kicking myself in the teeth
I will speak no more
Of my feelings beneath

Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Bury me softly in this womb
Oh I want to be inside of you
I give this part of me for you
Oh I want to be inside of you
Sand rains down and here I sit
Holding rare flowers (oh I want to be inside of you)
In a tomb...in bloom
Oh I want to be inside...

Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, losin’ my soul
Down in a hole, feelin’ so small
Down in a hole, outta control
I’d like to fly but my
Wings have been so denied

Yeah it's just a bit dark, but that is my mood as of late. I used to sit alone in the dark and drink to this song, now I just listen to it when I get really down.
You don’t understand who they
Thought I was supposed to be
Look at me now a man
Who won’t let himself be

My parents expected so much of me in my youth. I was the smartsiblingsmy poor sibilings had to be compared to growing up. That is until I was 18 and "screwed up" their perfect picture of me. I was supposed to be the first to graduate college but dropped out a semester in. I was supposed to have asuccessfulb and a sucessful life. Instead that year I also tried to transition for the first ssuccessful wasn't sucessful. I did work my way up to the good job and great family life, but then "threw that all away" when I finally transitioned.

I know deep down that I really had no other choice, but I still feel like I've let them down. I still can't let myself be when it comes to how things should have been for me. I guess I will have to make my peace with thing over time, and do my best to not spend too much time "down in a hole" of despair.

Love to all and take care.

Tuesday's tune

2006-01-31T18:29:00.000-05:00

Please Come To Boston

[Written by Dave Loggins]
(messed with by me)

Please come to Boston for the springtime
I'm stayin' here with some cds and they've got lotsa room
You can sell your paintings on the sidewalk
By a pet shop where I hope to be workin' soon
Please come to Boston
She said "No, girl you come home to me"
And she said, "Hey tranny gal now won't cha settle down
Boston ain't your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
I'm the number one fan of the man you used to be"

Please come to Trinadad to see the trannies
We can get our kicks watching the post ops walk around
As they deal with pain from getting their new caynons.
I won't have to hide in shame
with all those tall girls around.
Please come to Trinadad
She said "no, girl you come home to me"
And she said, "Hey tranny gal why don't cha settle down
Trinadad ain't your kind of town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
'Cause I'm the number one fan of the man you used to be"

Now this tranny's world goes 'round and 'round
And I doubt that it's ever gonna stop
But of all the dreams I've lost or found
And all that I ain't got
I still need to lean to
Somebody I can sing to
Please come to LA to live forever
A tranny's life alone is just too hard to bear
I live in a house that looks out over the ocean
And there's some stars that fell from the sky
Livin' up on the hill
Please come to LA
She just said "no, girl, won't you come home to me"
And she said, "hey tranny gal why don't cha settle down
LA can't be your kinda town
There ain't no gold and there ain't nobody like me
No, no, I'm the number one fan of the man you used to be"

"I'm the number one fan of the man you used to be"

Ok so I changed a few words including the whole middle verse there. I love the original version of this song. It reminds me of how I wanted a certain girl to come on my journey with me but wouldn't. It reminds me of simpler times that were'nt meant to last forever.

It's taken me years to get over old things, but this song is something I still listen to with good thoughts. For even though she and I will never be together again the way we were, we will always have memories of yesterday, and a tomorrow together as good friends.

Love to all take care and g'nite.

W.T.F & TUESDAYS TUNE

2006-01-24T18:34:00.000-05:00

Ok today's blog was going to be lighthearted entry called Tuesday's tune. I thought it would be a nice break from my "bitchyness" of late. Unfortunately I had the displeaure of reading a "news release" that was sent to the newspaper I work for and just had to share it.

What the F$%#
The following is a few points from an actual "news release" from our "friends" at the Westboro Baptist Church, those loving Christian fellows.

"Thank God for 2 more dead miners. We wish it had been 200 rather than 2. WBC will picket their funerals. WBC will humbly pray for God to visi more calamities upon West Virginia.

500 West Virginians made death threats against the peaceful missionaries of the Westboro Baptist church. The lord our God has promised to protect us and to avenge all the wrongs against us.

It is blasphemous and vain for Gov. Manchin and Sen. Rockefeller to boast that they will pass laws to keep anyone else from dying in mines. We warned you when we picketed the memorial service for the 12 at Wesleyan College in Buckhannon that God knows where all the mines are and has abundant resources otherwise to kill West Virginians.

To Gov Manchin and Sen Rockefeller, we say: You can do nothing when a sovereign God determines to visit a state or nation and punish them in His wrath for their sins.

God Hates West Virginia.
God Himself Has Now Become West Virginia's Terrorist."

As you can see they are a very open and loving church. It probably won't surprise you to know that this church is the same one that runs www.godhatesfags.com and www.godhatesamerica.com.

Here are some things from the later.

"Hell has room for them ALL!!!

Face it! They're in hell!
Almost four years ago, God Almighty struck this nation a direct, wrathful blow that you have ignored!! There is a gigantic hole where once stood the symbol of America's financial might, and all the preachers in this country can do is wring their hands and lie about how much God loves everyone.
God destroyed the WTC to punish America! Deal with it!
Bloody butcher Bush thinks he can distract from these facts by taking over Babylon with his fag army. As a result of his foolishness, body bags are coming home by the truckload.
Number of Americans who have entered hell as result of this bloody takeover of Babylon:
2,214
WBC Prays for it to be 222,214!!!

Your precious Virginia coal miners are in hell, America! You wailed and cried crocodile tears to God while you thought there was some hope they would be recovered, and as soon as they were all dead, you said what you really thought -- there is no God! Guess what? GOD KILLED THE COAL MINERS!!! He is punishing you stiff necked, heard hearted Americans at every turn, and yet you still worship feces eaters. There is no hope for you. Pope John Paul II, the Great Pedophile Pope, is in hell. No burning candles, no indulgences, and no prayers to Mary will change that. The new Pope Benedict, Pope of the Great Whore, will burn in hell with him shortly
These people are a perfect example of what dangers lay in the religious right. I can look up scripture myself and from what I remember from Revaltions the Antichrist will arise to power by manipulating the word of God. My money is that it will be someone from a group like this one. Hate in the name of God is the worse kind. We have a dangerous trend of self righteous morality going on right now. We only have to look back on the history of last century to see what can happen. In a presentation I had the pleasure to be at given by Dr. Bowers at first event last weekend she pointed out that Germany before the rise of the Nazi party was a very free place full of expression and experimentation. It was the movement towards the right and morality that gave us Hitler and his atrocities upon the human race. I hope history will not repeat itself.

Tuesday's tune
On nights like this
when the world's a bit amiss
and the lights go down
across the trailer park
I get down feel had
I feel on the verge of going mad
and then it's time to punch the clock
I put on some make-up
and turn up the tape deck
and pull the wig down on my head
suddenly I'm Miss Midwest
Midnight Checkout Queen
until I head home
and put myself to bed

I look back on where I'm from
look at the woman I've become
and the strangest things
seem suddenly routine

I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks
a gift-wrapped wig still in the box
of towering velveteen.
I put on some make-up
and some LaVern Baker
and pull the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive 1963
Until I wake up
And turn back to myself

Some girls they have natural ease
they wear it any way they please
with their French flip curls
and perfumed magazines
Wear it up
Let it down
This is the best way that I've found
to be the best you've ever seen

I put on some make-up
and turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett
from TV
until I wake up
and turn back to myself

Shag, bi-level, bob
Dorothy Hammil do,
Sausage curls, chicken wings
It's all because of you
With your blow dried, feather back,
Toni home wave, too
flip, fro, frizz, flop,
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
It's all because of you
I put on some make-up
turn up the eight-track
I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf
Suddenly I'm this punk rock star
of stage and screen
and I ain't never
I'm never turning back

Wig in a box from Hedwig and the angry inch

Its a fun song and I love that verse I made a bit bigger, it is the story of my new life. Lat weekend I had an eye opening experience of going to first event for the first time. I had hoped there would be more things for transsexuals but most of it was for crossdressers.

Before my transition I really hated cds and drag queens. While I still have some issues I have gotten better. I still have an issue with the drag queens who just like to do it to f with peoples heads. It their life I guess but it's an issue eventually I might work out.

I enjoyed listening to Marci's talk on surgery it made me really reconsider who I was going to for surgery. While I'm not going to her I'm glad I heard her take on things. I also got to spend the day with some great friends and by the end of the night was very thankful for what I got. It could be allot worse I could have only been able to go as far as they did and could still be very miserable indeed.

Sorry for so much in one night. Remember to be weary of hate mongers in preachers clothing, and to relish how interesting life can be.

Love to all and take care.

I have a dream too...

2006-01-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we celebrate the birthday of a great man. A brave man who didn't let discrimination stop him from pursuing his dream. Many of us in our community have felt a kinship to him and those like him that fought in the civil rights battles of the not so distant history of our country. I too have felt this, but when you look back hard at things their struggle was so much harder than ours, and while some of us like myself can escape the discrimination against our group, they couldn't hide the color of their skin like we can hide our birth gender.

I don't have to deal with everybody immediately knowing my situation. I can blend in with the crowd, something impossible for a person of color in the South of the 1950's. Yes there is allot of discrimination going on in our community, but it is mainly to our poc members. These poor souls don't have the paths open to them that seem to be there for most white tranny folk. You don't see many white tranny hookers living on the streets, just as you don't see allot of success stories about poc trannies transitioning and getting along in the world as most white folk do.

The problem is economic and social too. These folks don't have the money to traverse the wasteland any other way, and society has such a bugaboo up it's ass over people messing with their gender. This is where my dream comes in.

I have a dream that someday they can tell by a simple test while we are young if you are gender conflicted and do something about it then. That it doesn't matter what you used to be, but what you are today.

I have a dream that people one day will be able to express themselves freely in public, and not have to do it in some seedy backstreet drug infested bar that breeds despair and tragedy. Where same sex couples can hold hands as they stroll down the street as easily in Huntstown, Alabama as they do in Proveincetown. Were they can share a simple loving short kiss in public. ( no tongues guys ok, dudes kissing is hard enough on me as it is)

I have a dream that these conservative religious folks will stop worrying condemning everybody while trying to save to world, and just worry about their own fucking shit. Worry about little Johny who's smoking a joint after Bible study, or little Julie who's losing her virginity to that good boy from a good family down the road. Study your freaking bibles and read just the following teaching of Jesus "Let he who hasn't sinned cast the first stone." Sorry non-Christians I don't know your books so trust me on this on Jesus knew his shit, even if you don't believe he was God he was wise. If you all can worry about your own house and leave everyone else alone it would be a kinder world, and there would be less poverty, violence and dispare. If you didn't force folks to the shadows they can grow to their full potential and not fulfill the prophecy you have paved for them.

I'm done, time to get off my soapbox, and get on with my life. I hope I made you think and you can think of your own dreams to make the world a better place. For if we fail to dream of how good it could be we start to settle for the way we don't want it to be.

Love to all, take care.

The birthday glut...

2006-01-07T19:42:00.000-05:00

It still amazes me how many birthdays there are of folks around me during the months of January and February. It has to be the most concentrated amount all year. I start things off with a double on Jan 2 for my sisters hubby and my friend "J". Co's brothers long time girlfriends is the 5th. Then Courtney's son is the 6th,followed by my uncle on the 7th. The King, Elvis Presleyis the 8th and in my household growing up it was always a special event. I have my own to deal with on the 11th, followed by a co-workers on the 14th. Things slow down until we get to the 27th which is Co's brother's this time. My new friend "G" is the 2nd of February, Mom is the 13th, and finally my son's is the 24th. At one time I knew when in February Shel's is but we don't talk much anymore so I forget.

For me its odd having one's birthday at the beginning of the year, It just reinforces the whole idea of a new hope for the coming year and taking time to reflect on what was accomplished during the previous year and what still needs to be done.

Looking back to just a few years ago I figured I'd be done with surgery by now and working on finally reaching my full potential. While I haven't slayed that dragon yet, I am so very close to getting my hands on that "magical sword" that will help me cut the fuckers head off and shit down it's neck. In fact I may know by this time next week which would be an awesome birthday week present.

On the flip side of things if I go back to the time right after the 2 half-hearted attempts of transitioning in my late teens I could never could have imagined then being as far as I am today. I have come so much farther than I thought was possible back then. While I may not have taken care of the anatomy part I've more than taken care of being a woman part. Back then I figured unless I won the lottery my fate would be as an outcast streetworker living in an alley somewhere. I've been able to live, work, relate, and even play hockey as a woman. Hell I even had a job driving a God Damn Zamboni as a woman, a job I always wanted but never had the balls to go after as a man. I've come a long way baby and even though there are many miles left to go I'm going to sit down, be proud and soak in the good in all those I've already traversed and lived to tell about.

The past year also found me finally coming to the realization I wasn't going to make the kind of $ I made as a man, at least not yet. For now I've chosed likeing my job and the people I work with over more $. Yeah I could be living a more comfortable life, but it would cost me some things I wasn't willing to pay anymore. Eventually I will find my path to a job that will bring both happiness and money, but not until I slay the big dragon. I need to focus and slay only one dragon at a time.

I also in the last year finally came to terms with the ending of a long time romance I had hoped would have gone on forever. Fortunately we found a way to end it as great friends on a good note. Hopefully the new year will find both of us in new relationships that bring us the happiness we both deserve and will allow us to still remain the close friends we are today.

A big happy birthday wish to all of you who happen to share and early year birthday. May you get all that you need, and even some of what you want too.

Love to all and take care....

Beginning the new year by taking it hard in the rear...

2006-01-02T08:49:00.000-05:00

Hey it's a bright new year with a good possibility that I reach a lifelong goal so I gotta experience new things no? I experienced a rock hard painful,embarassing, yet comical experience right in the backside to begin what hopefully will be the best year of my life. I never imagined the force and the hardness of the experience, not to mention just how much it hurt, and how quickly it would be done. It wasn't a satisfing experience by any means and I really can't say I want to do it ever again, never mind soon, but I just went with the moment and decided to just go with it once things got going.

Now I know what you're all thinking, sweet innocent, ex-Sunday school teaching, soccer mom looking little Ash talking about anal sex? No you perverts! I was sledding with my daughter showing her how to steer the sled, when I hit a rock the sled stopped and I came down hard on the rock right on my right cheek. I'm lucky it wasn't an inch to the left or I would have broken my tailbone or literally rip myself a new one. I couldn't decided whether to laugh or cry when it happened so I ended up doing both at the same time. It hurt like Hell and I'm left with a nice deep black and reddish bruise on my bottom and my pride is a bit hurt.

Hopefully when bad things happen to me and those around me during the year I can take it like I did this, knowing it's ok to cry as long as I remember to laugh at myself too. I am due for a good year and hopefully this will be the one. I hope all of you have a great year too, and get your minds out of the gutter.

Love to all, take care, and enjoy the start of a new year filled with new; possibilities, friendships, and experiences.

Holiday Math...

2005-12-24T08:52:00.000-05:00

Ok friends of mine are out of town and I had to go check on their apartment and cats today. I also felt a draft so I went and checked out the bathroom where it seemed to be coming from. The window was ok, I adjusted the heat slightly and saw they had a scale. I haven't been on my scale in so long I just had to see what theirs said. I was upset at first, but then I forgot to factor in the math.

I've always been bad with math this time of year. I used to balance my checkbook by writing checks until I got an overdraft notice. I used to use my credit cards until they were declined. I thought it was a good system, but then again I just dealt with bankruptcy last year. Anyway since that awful day I had to go before a bunch of people and declare I was a deadbeat, among other things, I decided to do the math. Science and nature are full of numbers and with them all of lives questions could be solved.

So using this math can explain why the scale read so high. First I had my glasses on and they are real glass. Now I remember learning that Plexiglas is half the weight of glass, meaning glass is twice as heavy so I multiplied my weight by.5. I also had my gold earrings on and anyone who had chemistry knows that gold has a heavy weight to it so I multiplied again by .8. I also had a necklace that Courtney gave me last night when I went to visit her and again it's a heavy metal but not gold so this time I multiplied by .95. I was wearing my nicotine patch which again has metal in it but only aluminum, so I won't count that, just to give a little leeway. I did drink allot of water going to and from NY to see Court, and 1 gallon of water weighs 8.5lbs so I subtracted that too. After the math I found my real weight is only 25lbs. I'm so glad I could figure it out.

Hope you have a great holiday of your choice, and if you are worried the scales will be high for you afterwards just remember to do the math.

Love, take care, and happy____________.
(fill in holiday here)

Pardon my lack of holiday spirit...

2005-12-21T20:31:00.000-05:00

Its just one of those days

When you don't wanna wake up

Everything is fucked

Everybody sux

You don't really know why

But want justify

Rippin' someone's head off

No human contact

And if you interact

Your life is on contract

Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker

It's just one of those days!!

Limp Bizkit-Break stuff

Ok I know not very cheery or in the holiday mood. Also it's not very lady like but today was just one of those days and I really would like to rip someone's head off.

It started simply enough, I decided that today is my last day of smoking because a certain surgey I've been working towards may be on the close horizon. Unfortunately when I went to the store this morning to buy what hopefully is my last pack of smokes I slipped on ice, popped my bad knee out(which promptly went right back in) and luckily caught myself before I smacked my head on the pavement which no doubt would have resulted in a bloody wigless head.

So with me trying to look at the bright side of things in that I didn't get too hurt or flip my wig so to speak I just took it as a sign that the time is indeed right to quit smoking. So I get this idea that I should track my weight gain. I'd always in the old days do so by seeing how lose my old wedding ring was on my finger. Unfortunately when I went to find said ring which I've kept in the same safe place in my car so it would always be near me, it was gone. I was so upset I pulled my car to the side of the highway and started frantically tear the center console of my car apart looking for my beloved ring.

Now I've never been into material things, even now I own and wear minimal simple jewelry. That ring meant everything to me though. It stood for a love that was strong enough to stay a close friendship through all this. Co and I aren't ever going to be like we were, we've both agreed on that, but that ring reminded me of a simpler time when I could handle being a guy and I thought everything could be cured by love. A time when all I needed was her and to be loved by her.

I don't know exactly who the bastard is who took my ring, or how they got it. My car is always locked. I don't take many people in it. The best I can guess is that it was swiped at the oil change place. I'm so damn pissed about it I am putting a curse on whoever took it. If you are a straight guy I hope your dick falls off and your balls swell up to the size of watermellons. If you are a girl I hope your tits shrivel and your pussy closes shut. If you are a mtf I hope your dick grows back. And if I ever catch you in the immortal words of Duke Nukem I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck.

Again sorry for venting and not being in the holiday spirit, but today I just found out some Grinch stole my past and has ruined my Christmas.

Classic frivolity...

2005-12-20T06:27:00.000-05:00

Ok I was working on the book last night and saved my new chapter to somewhere besides where I usually do so. While searching for it this morning I came across something I wrote 3 or 4 years ago that got me on a radio show.

You see The Vagina monologues were just getting big back then, and a local dj Dee Snider, yes the same Dee from Twisted Sister decided to have the Penis diaries. So he asked for listeners to write poems or stories about their penis. Of course I had to try and got an invite to the celebration for my submission. It was free breakfast and I got to meet the man behind the hair and spandex. Looking over it now I have to wonder who the hell I was trying to kid, them or me? It's odd reading it now, and even odder to remember that at one time I used to submit stuff to his show as Mr. Fister. Of course I also remember sending stuff in as Whitey McCracker also, I guess life was easier back then and I had spare time to create names and get on the radio.

Do enjoy this little blast from the past, forgive the misspelling and I hope it brings a smile to your face.

ODE TO MR. HAPPY
PURPLE HELMETED WARRIOR,
HOW I WISH YOU COULD DO MORE.
YOU DO YOUR JOB ONCE,
AND THEN YOU'RE DONE.
LEFT WARM AND WET,
LIKE A FRESH STICKY BUN.

WHEN I WEAR TIGHT PANTS,
YOU GET IN THE WAY.
AND THE WAY YOU WAKE UP AT INAPROPRIATE TIMES,
I SOMETIMES THINK YOU ARE GAY.

WOMEN HAVE ENVYED YOU
FROM THE BEGINING OF TIME
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
THEY SEE POWER AND PLACE
FOR ALL THAT POSSES.
BUT HAVE NEVER EXPERINCED TRYING TO PEE WITH MORNING WOOD,
OH WHAT A MESS.

I LOVE THAT YOU'RE THERE,
DON'T GET ME WRONG.
IF NOT FOR YOU AND THE BOYS,
I WOULD NOT BE AS STRONG.

BUT FOR ALL THAT YOU'RE WORTH,
YOU CAN GET IN THE WAY.
SO PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE ME DAY OFF
JUST FOR ONE DAY.
A DAY WITHOUT PAIN,
WHENEVER A FINE LADY WALKS BYE.
A DAY NOT TO HAVE TO ITCH
FROM THE SWEAT YOU COLLECT.
A DAY WITHOUT AIMING TO HIT THE BOWL.
A DAY TO BE ABLE,
TO THINK ON MY OWN.

BUT I COULD BE WORSE,
OF THIS I AM SURE.
IF YOU BLED THAT WAY,
I'M SURE THERE WOULD BE NO CURE.

AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRODUCE,
A BABY WHEN IT'S READY.
IF YOU DID,
WE'D ALL LOOK LIKE SPAGHETTI.

AND YES YOU'RE NOT OGLLED,
BY THE OPPISTIE SEX.
THEY SEEM TO HAVE BETTER THINGS ON THEIR MINDS,
BUT STILL ENJOY YOU YET.

THE NICK NAMES YOU HAVE,
HAVE BECOME SUCH A BORE.
TRY NAMEINVAGINAINIA,
AND YOU'LL BE SLAPPED FOR SURE.

YES LADIES IT TOUGHER THAN YOU THINK,
TO OWN THIS TOOL.
BUT WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE,
I'D RATHER BE ME THAN YOU.

MR. FISTER

Phew...

2005-12-19T06:29:00.000-05:00

Ok I think I'm finally done knitting holiday presents, and am almost finished with my shopping. Now I can get back to my normal schedule of working on the book and an occasional blog entry too.

I may have allot to blog about shortly too. I don't want to jinx things so I will keep relatively quiet on the subject now, but I have some really good news potentially entering my horizon. Like I said I don't want to say too much now, but I am one little step closer to a big goal of mine. If the other two fall into place I'm really going to have a great 2006. Even so I can't help but worry something nasty is going to come up and snatch things right from my grasp. Keep your fingers crossed if you would for me.

Love to all, take care, and g'day.

Courtney loves her Chachi...

2005-12-09T19:06:00.000-05:00

No it's not a new bad retro sitcom coming to UPN, it's referring to my friend Court getting her surgery today. Ok I see you scratching your heads via the hidden webcam I have in your house, so let me explain.

You see when we were kids my little sister called her vagina "Chachi." I'm not really sure why she just did. It made me think though when that Joanie loves Chachi sitcom started. I'd always thought Erin Moran was a bit dikey already, and that title just reinforced the idea in my head. But the nickname stuck in my little brain for all these years, and I still refer to it as Chachi.

Anyway enough with my sick sense of humor, congrats to Courtney hope she finds the happiness she was in pursuit of all these years, and I hope she continues to love her Chachi.

Love to all and g'nite.

Next stop destiny....

2005-12-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

Everyone who travels on this journey in gender takes a different path. Most make it to their destination, some do not, but all meet their destiny. I came close to meeting my own bad end a year and half ago, but I guess my destiny is different, or at least wasn't ready to be reached quite yet.

Today one of my very best friends flew out on a special trip and in a few days goes in to meet her destiny, well ok fulfill part of her destiny, that first way sounds bleak. She will finally get fixed what life had screwed up on her. I am proud of her for getting there and can't wait to hear she got through it all ok.

To use her words it's sort of a graduation. To me it's kind like getting your PhD. To get approval from hormones is kinda like graduating high school. Getting approval for surgery is like graduating college. Any of the various in-between surgeries are masters degrees, and of course srs is your PhD. Funny though they don't have scholarships for these degrees, you're on you own to earn them.

For me I'm working on a masters in being testosterone free, and hopefully will be getting there within a few months. My PhD is a ways off, but I will continue to work towards it.

For now I'm going to be congratulating my friend and letting her have her moment, and soak in all of it. She worked hard to get there and deserves all the completeness I hope surgery will bring her. I'm also looking forward once she's healed for our kids to spend more time together. They are close in age and recently met. I think it's vital for the kids to see they are not alone, and there are other kids out there who's family is going through the same thing. Thinking you're alone in a struggle breeds depression and low self esteem, trust me on this one. At least they will have the comfort of not being alone, and hopefully will be less screwed up than I am.

I will let you all know how she pulls through which will be just fine, she's in good hands and they know what they are doing there. Maybe someday I can afford to go and get to fufil part of my destiny too.

Love to all, and g'nite.

Why am I such a misfit...?

2005-12-06T19:42:00.000-05:00

Ok no I am not having another pity party. It's just one of the songs from my favorite Christmas specials, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I'm reminded of it for 2 reasons, firstly it's Christmas time, duh. Secondly I won a Hermie the elf doll today from a skill crane.

It's funny how I keep finding similarities between mainstream pop culture and my own life. In the show Hermie the elf doesn't want to be an elf, he wants to be a dentist and when he tells everyone he is ostracized and sent to the shadows. Rudolf has a birth defect and gets the same treatment. The similarities scream at me. I felt like such a misfit growing up a boy who wanted nothing more than to be a girl. I was too afraid to tell anyone for fear I'd be ostracized for my feelings. When I finally came out, I lost my job, some friends & family the just like them . They had a happy ending in less than an hour though, my happy ending is taking a bit longer. But I'm sure eventually it will come.

Thank you Rudolph, Hermie, and all who lived on the Isle of misfit toys for making me feel ok being a misfit. I wouldn't want to live in a world where everyone was the same, and feel into neat little boxes.

Love to all, take care & g'nite

Blue Monday...

2005-11-28T19:17:00.000-05:00

Feeling very blue today for a variety of reasons. Part of it is how I'm feeling lately that I'm going to be the last tranny standing (to pee). So many people around me are having this or that done lately. Me I've had nothing done ever except for my teeth. Now I know that's a good thing considering how I look, but I don't always feel that way. To me I'm still the same, unaltered in anyway. The only things that have changed about me is my name and my wardrobe. It's not from anything other than a lack of funds and my own moral standards.

I've struggled financially since my transition and wasn't in the best of shape in this realm to begin with. I've thought of legal but immoral to me ways to make $ to help things along. To me though it isn't worth losing my soul just to make my body match.

Right now though it's unlikely I'm going to be able to afford surgery in the next few years. That is unless I win the powerball, meet a sugar-daddy, or someone decides to give me one hell of a gift, without going down that dark road.

There is of course the book. Unfortunately though while i do think I have an interesting story and point of view, I highly doubt I will make nearly enough to cover surgery.

The other part of my blues is the further realization that things won't ever be the same in one of the most important parts of my life. I'd been hoping and praying I could keep the relationship going the way it used to be. I kept hoping that my devotion in staying faithful would leave a door open for fires to rekindle. I've passed on opportunities saving myself for what I hoped would be. Unfortunately it has become painfully apparent to me I was wrong. It is beyond hope and I need to take what I can out of the relationship and learn to enjoy what I get.

The question then becomes what next? I miss intimacy so. To just be lovingly touched, to be kissed deeply, to be made to feel really good about myself. Right now I feel like an outcast, nobody decent is willing to do these things I desire, or if they do they haven't asked. Of course some of it is my refusal to just fool around. I don't want to be somebody's plaything. I want to be more than a one night stand. I want to be loved for who and what I am. Unfortunately that is rare even for "normal" folks and I have allot more baggage than most of them.

I haven't even thought much about a plan if things worked out this way. I don't even know which side of the buffet table to check out. For now I think I'm just going to sit here at my table with my bread and water as I figure shit out. I need to place some closure on this part of my life no matter how much it hurts. It's what is in the best interest for both of us. I never thought I'd have to say it's over with her. I thought our love was so strong it could overcome any mountain. I guess this one was just too damn high for either one of us. At least it was a great love that still is a great friendship. No matter what happens from here in those immortal words of Casablanca at least her and I "will always have Paris." And boy our Paris was grand.

Love to all and g'nite.