Happy B-Day Chachi...

Well I've been a bit busy lately, I'm not really on the computer much this time of year, it's just too damn nice to be sitting writing etc on the computer. I'm more of a wintertime internet user. Life is ok right now, nothing spectacular good or bad. Softball is over and it was a good season, I got my first home run ever, my first grand slam, hit for the cycle and even took an at bat left handed. As a team though we fell short and failed to make the playoffs, but even though we didn't make it I had the most fun playing on a team ever and I've played many seasons in different sports, this team was more like a group of sisters and it felt good to be a part of it.

As usual I've been busy with work and projects at home, it's been a busy summer. I've built a deck, dug a big ass hole to put a tool shed in, built a retaining wall to hold back the hill I dug into and then built the afore mentioned shed. Other than that and hanging with my peeps and my kids it's been a dull summer. No rest for the wicked I say, actually it's the Protestant in me that keeps me busy, idle hands being the devils tools and all.

As my title states today is my chachi's two year birthday. It seems odd to think it was only two years ago. I guess when you feel a certain way your whole life the "hole surgery" is secondary and it seems like you've been this way for longer. Yet part of me seems like it was only yesterday I was in tremendous pain after waking up from the surgery not knowing it had happened and frantically telling the nurse to hold on I have to get up and pee. That first night was something I will never forget even though I was in a drug induced haze. I was so thirsty, had this feeling like I had to take the wicked piss ever and couldn't move no matter how hard I tried, and believe me I tried. The next week or so involved a mixture of elation and finding new meanings of pain. I had good friends with me to watch over me and help me out but there were times I was on my own. I remember having a full catheter bag the morning after surgery and having to get up and walk to the bathroom to empty it all alone in the hotel room as my friends were stuck in traffic. I also remember having to get up and plunge the toilet one day when one of friends was being driven to the airport by our other friend, not an easy task when parts of your body have been ripped out turned inside out and shoved up you. I learned allot about my threshold for pain and how much I can overcome if I set my mind to it. People underestimate what they can do if they just try.

One pain though that still nags at me is the guilt over the whole thing. I know I had no other choice, either I had the surgery or I would have ended up dead. There was no way around it, I had to do it, that is a given. I do however have guilt over dragging other people into it. I married had kids and stuck my burden on them. I am thankful that I tried to beat this through love, that I have two beautiful and wonderful kids, but I feel guilty that my wife has no husband and my kids don't have a normal father. I know that there is nothing I can do to change the past, nor is there any other way I can imagine things turning out any different, but guilt is a funny thing, it has no logic, rhyme or reason. Guilt is as guilt does, or is it like a box of chocolates? Guilt is this little monster that feeds off the excessive joy one has in their life to make true happiness a fleeting dream. It's the thing that makes this earth and not Heaven. Maybe someday when I see my kids are ok and Co finds love again I can drive a wooden stake into the heart of guilt and be free. Until then I'll get by beating it back as I can. At least I can battle knowing I am doing it as myself and with the knowledge I am strong enough to do what needs to be done.

Gotta go watch some olympics, I like the winter games better, but how can you not like watching beach volleyball?

Love to all and of course take care....