I QUIT!!! (again)

Yes it is true I'm a quitter, but in a good way. Today I am on day one of quitting smoking yet again. I know it sounds odd but in the past I've been successful at quitting smoking, the problem comes when something bad happens I start up again. The first real time I quit it was to go on hormones, my endo insisted I quit before he would prescribe e for me. I remember how stressful it was back then, I was trying to slowly end one way of life I had lived and transition into a new one without hurting either. I still remember chomping my mouthful of gummy bears the night I had to go before the GICNE board for certification that I was really tg. That quitting lasted quite a while almost 2 years in fact, I only went back to smoking after my little mental vacation after finding I was too stupid to even kill myself all at once, so I decided to take up the slower method again. I smoked for awhile again until the prospect of surgery actually came along again. Yes there were a few spurts and such where I would quit and go back quickly but once I got the okand $ for surgery I was hard core committed to quit. Ok so there was one night where I got a voice mail from my surgeon that it looked like he wasn't going to be able to do my surgery due to my blood work where I freaked and lit up, but you can't blame a gal can you for that? But things worked out and I got my surgery and only smoked that one night. That time I quit for almost a year only to start up again after I let a very nasty person get the better of me and stress me to the point of tears and buying a pack of smokes to calm down. I should have never let the bitch get to me and start the evil path of smoking again. Now it's 18 months latter and I'm tired of waking up coughing, hacking and always having a sore throat. A few of my male coworkers have offered to help with the sore throat thingy, but usually those kind of guys are just hiding something and have more of a tooth pick to offer than an all day sucker.

I hope this time will be one of the long quit times, I can't say I will never smoke again, one can never count on the word never. I have really enjoyed smoking, it has calmed me when I was upset, it has consoled me when I needed to cry, it has kept me awake when I was ready to crash from working 18 hour days, it is the on constant that has never changed throughout the various stages of my life, and of course it has been by my side when I was on top of the world after sex. Of course it has also made me cough, filled my lungs with gunk, and permanently scarred my lungs according to some pre-surgical x-rays I had. It's odd how something that has been so beneficial to my mentally has been so harmful to me physically. I know that the smoking I have done has shortened my life, and if I continued it would have surely ended my life. Who knows maybe I've already smoked too much for quitting to help, one will never know. All I can do is concentrate on not needing to smoke for the time being and not worry too much on what I did in the past or what the future may or may not bring. People say all the time they want to see their kids grow up and have grand kids, but quitting smoking doesn't guarantee that will happen. I could be hit by a truck tomorrow, God forbid something could happen to my kids, or for that matter the world could end. I've got shit I want to concentrate on for the time being, softball is starting this month and I would like to be able to run the bases without being winded. I also still have my goal of rollerblading 26.5 miles in a day that I want to accomplish this summer, I start training for that again on Thursday with a planned 10 mile trex. Should be a little easier without all that "Flavor" filling my lungs. For now this Marlboro woman is riding into the sunset before I need an oxygen tank in my saddle bag.

Love to all and of course take care....