Dealing with fear...

Mom and I finally went and visited my ill aunt in the nursing home the other day. I had tried to go previously by myself, but found myself unable to muster up the courage to do so. I don't know if it was visiting someone who was dieing when I still have my own guilt issues for surviving something that should have left me dead. Or maybe having to explain the whole trans thing to someone on their deathbead. I am not ashamed of what I am, but I do feel it's not right to burden someone who is dealing with the issues of their life ending with having to deal with the fact I was not what they thought me to be, and to figure out their own feelings. It should be their time to deal with wrapping up anything in their own life, not a time to deal with new issues.

Any way I stopped be a big pussy and I went with mom to see them. Unfortunately my aunt was out of it due to the morphine they were giving her and I didn't get a chance to talk to her at all. She seemed to be struggling to breath so much, even with the assistance of a forced ventilator and the oxygen. I thought she was going to pass when we were there. Speaking of looks, my uncle has such a look of fear when he looked at me. He couldn't make eye contact, speak to me, or even come close to me. He looked like if I got too close he might catch what I had. I understand he was dealing with the fact his wife was lying there about to die and he was seeing her struggling as I was, but I still can't get that look out of my head. My uncle was a military man, a real tough guy and not afraid of much, but the look in his eyes when he looked at me, he looked like a little kid who just saw the boogey monster. I still don't know if the fear was directed at me, or for her passing, maybe both.

Unfortunately Saturday morning she passed away, actually with the amount of pain she appeared to be in, well she's comfortable now. My uncle, dad and stepmom were there with her, so she did not die alone, which is comforting to me. Being alone when I die is one of my biggest fears. Anyway arrangements have been made and this week the funeral and wake will be held. Now I find myself afraid yet again. I'm not sure how the other realtives on my dad's side that don't know about me are going to react. I don't want to be a distraction from an event that should be celebrating a great woman and her life. I don't want to see fear in other people's eyes when they meet me. Passing amongst the general population is cake most the time, dealing with your family is hell. I don't want to be he'd or Scott'd, I don't want to sit there and answer questions, deal with stares and condisending eyes. Yet I do want to say goodbye to an aunt I loved dearly. She was a person who taught me about music and cookies, oh how she loved to bake. She and my uncle taught me about perserverance as they tried so hard to have a kid and eventually did. She was such a pleasant person to be around and had a habbit of lighting up a room when she entered it. I'm sure if she were able to talk to me about my transtion I have a feeling she would have had something nice to say about it, she might not have understood why I did what I did, but she would have had some sort of support for me. I will have to decide how to handle the family events coming up.

Dealing with her illness, my dad not telling them until this time and seeing my uncle has sparked a poem. I haven't written in so long and I needed to get my feelings about fear out in the open. We all have our own fears, and a big one of mine is my family at times, and their own feelings over my own. It will take some time to beat this fear, but I am sure once I do there will be yet another fear to conquer, there always is. This life is about learning, and the best way to learn about our fears is by beating them. Enjoy.

FEAR

A nasty little four letter word
Hell-bent on letting you lock yourself away
In a prison of your own making.
It’s that little voice that makes you doubt
All you know you can do.
It’s a distraction
An excuse
A disease if you let it
That keeps us from being
All we can be
From doing all we can do
From living life to it’s fullest.

Fear is an illusion.
It makes us walk away from love
It’s what keeps us from asking questions
Learning new things
It’s that black nasty monster
That keeps us from meeting new people
Trying new things.

Fear makes people grow apart
Distant
It has us grow inward
Not outward.
It sends us backwards
Not forwards.
It holds us back in our own little zones of comfort
Which over time
Become
Smaller &
Smaller
It’s a premature death
That can leave us
Longing,
Alone,
Unable.

We alone can conquer it
So we can live our lives to their fullest
Experience all live has to offer
And die with few regrets.