Fathers day for me this year is bringing guilt for some reason. For the few years I was a father before my transition I was so proud on father's day. I was a proud pappa to say the least, I was a provider for my family, I was there when the kids were born, even assisting in my sons birth. I still have the t-shirts I made for both of my kids births with their footprints on the back. I was a good husband(I think) and was an all around good, yet miserable inside, guy. Now a few years latter and a feel as a failure as a parent. I get to see my kids on the weekend, I'm hardly making ends meet and not able to do what I'd like to do for my kids. I'm biologically their father, but now physically female, which of course ruins the whole good husband thingy. I feel both left out of what once was my close family unit and guilty like I've let them down somehow just because I couldn't somehow find a way to make it as a man. I know it's a catch 22, this is what was dealt for me and I really had no control over it, but I feel like I've dragged them into this along with me.
My son graduated from preschool the other day and to celebrate Co took them to Chuck e cheese. I didn't go since my mother in law was going too, and we haven't talked since Co and I sold the house. I really didn't think it was the time or the place to see her for the first time post transition since it was a celebration for my son, but I still felt so left out. My daughter just finished her school year as well and for her good report card and making it to the 4th grade I'm going to take the imitative and take her to a CT Sun game this week. That way I get to plan the whole thing and not have to worry about upsetting other people. I'll have to figure a way to celebrate with my son down the road. I'm just hoping these blahs go away after father's day.
As for the George Clooney reference, I went out with the girls after our last softball game and got involved in a really odd conversation for me. I'm used to the guys talking about hot chicks at the bar after a game, but not the girls. Well all the girls I went out with the other night play for the other team so to speak and they got to talking about hot chicks (really I'm not lieing lesbians playing softball.) I was a little uneasy at first not knowing what to say, but soon I joined in with my choices as well. As the conversation went on it turned to the question of what male celebrity would you have sex with, and George Clooney was an overwhelming favorite. I was amazed as he is one of the males I find myself attracted to as well. What is it about him we may never know, but 4 out of 5 lesbians that would consider sex with a man agree that they'd have sex with George Clooney, with or without the Dentene...
Love to all and of course take care...
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2 comments:
Father's day is really very hard. It only serves to remind one of a lost closeness. Things are really never the same after transition. That's both good and bad. Have a good day!
Fathers day is a tough one for all of us in one way or another. I feel the loss myself of my husband and the father of my children. I don't think the kids have totally grasped the whole connection yet, I think some day they may feel saddness, but only time will tell. Perhaps some day we can devise another separate day to just celebrate "parents" day.
We can just do the best we can to get through the tough days and look forward to the good ones.
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