Blue Monday...

Feeling very blue today for a variety of reasons. Part of it is how I'm feeling lately that I'm going to be the last tranny standing (to pee). So many people around me are having this or that done lately. Me I've had nothing done ever except for my teeth. Now I know that's a good thing considering how I look, but I don't always feel that way. To me I'm still the same, unaltered in anyway. The only things that have changed about me is my name and my wardrobe. It's not from anything other than a lack of funds and my own moral standards.

I've struggled financially since my transition and wasn't in the best of shape in this realm to begin with. I've thought of legal but immoral to me ways to make $ to help things along. To me though it isn't worth losing my soul just to make my body match.

Right now though it's unlikely I'm going to be able to afford surgery in the next few years. That is unless I win the powerball, meet a sugar-daddy, or someone decides to give me one hell of a gift, without going down that dark road.

There is of course the book. Unfortunately though while i do think I have an interesting story and point of view, I highly doubt I will make nearly enough to cover surgery.

The other part of my blues is the further realization that things won't ever be the same in one of the most important parts of my life. I'd been hoping and praying I could keep the relationship going the way it used to be. I kept hoping that my devotion in staying faithful would leave a door open for fires to rekindle. I've passed on opportunities saving myself for what I hoped would be. Unfortunately it has become painfully apparent to me I was wrong. It is beyond hope and I need to take what I can out of the relationship and learn to enjoy what I get.

The question then becomes what next? I miss intimacy so. To just be lovingly touched, to be kissed deeply, to be made to feel really good about myself. Right now I feel like an outcast, nobody decent is willing to do these things I desire, or if they do they haven't asked. Of course some of it is my refusal to just fool around. I don't want to be somebody's plaything. I want to be more than a one night stand. I want to be loved for who and what I am. Unfortunately that is rare even for "normal" folks and I have allot more baggage than most of them.

I haven't even thought much about a plan if things worked out this way. I don't even know which side of the buffet table to check out. For now I think I'm just going to sit here at my table with my bread and water as I figure shit out. I need to place some closure on this part of my life no matter how much it hurts. It's what is in the best interest for both of us. I never thought I'd have to say it's over with her. I thought our love was so strong it could overcome any mountain. I guess this one was just too damn high for either one of us. At least it was a great love that still is a great friendship. No matter what happens from here in those immortal words of Casablanca at least her and I "will always have Paris." And boy our Paris was grand.

Love to all and g'nite.