Sunday's Sad Parade

The Soft Parade-The Doors
When I was back there in seminary school,
there was a person there
Who put forth the proposition,
that you can petition the lord with prayer
Petition the lord with prayer,
petition the lord with prayer
You cannot petition the lord with prayer!
Can you give me sanctuary,
I must find a place to hide,
a place for me to hide
Can you find me soft asylum,
I can't make it anymore,
the man is at the door
Peppermint, miniskirts, chocolate candy,
champion sax and a girl named sandy
There's only four ways to get unraveled,
one is to sleep and the other is travel,
One is a bandit up in the hills,
one is to love your neighbor 'till
His wife gets home
Catacombs,
nursery bones,
winter women, growing stones
Carrying babies, to the river
Streets and shoes, avenues,
leather riders
Selling news,
the monk bought lunch
Ha ha, he bought a little,
yes, he did, woo!
This is the best part of the trip,
this is the trip,
the best part
I really like, what'd he say? ,
I'm proud to be a part of this number
Successful hills are here to stay,
everything must be this way
Gentle streets where people play,
welcome to the soft parade
All our lives we sweat and save,
building for a shallow grave
Must be something else we say,
somehow to defend this place
Everything must be this way,
everything must be this way,
The soft parade has now begun,
listen to the engines hum
People out to have some fun,
a cobra on my left
Leopard on my right,
The deer woman in a silk dress,
girls with beads around their necks
Kiss the hunter of the green vest,
who has wrestled before
With lions in the night
Out of sight!,
the lights are getting brighter
The radio is moaning,
calling to the dogs
There are still a few animals,
left out in the yard
But it's getting harder,
to describe sailors,
to the underfedTropic corridor,
tropic treasure
What got us this far,
to this mild equator?
We need someone or something new
Something else to get us through,
cmonCallin on the dogs,
callin on the dogs
Oh, it;s gettin harder,
callin on the dogs
Callin in the dogs,
callin all the dogs,
callin on the gods
You gotta meet me,
too late,
Slay a few animals,
at the crossroads,
too late
All in the yard,
but it's gettin harder,
by the crossroads
You gotta meet me,
oh, we're goin,
we're goin great
At the edge of town,
tropic corridor,
tropic treasure
Havin a good time,
got to come along,
what got us this far
To this mild equator? ,
outskirts of the city,
you and i
We need someone new,
somethin new,
somethin else to get us through
Better bring your gun,
better bring your gun
Tropic corridor,
tropic treasure,
we're gonna ride and have some fun
When all else fails, we can whip the horse's eyes
And make them sleep, and cry

Yeah I know that is a long quote to lead into a blog, and one hell of an f'd up song, but may of the lyrics ring true, and describe my own soft sad parade this Sunday.

Firstly Jim was right you cannot petition the lord with prayer. Yes there is a God, and I don't want to go into the whole arugument on what or who he/she is, I do know that you can't ask God for stuff and expect to get it. God is way too busy to worry about our every need. Basically we are put here with the tools we need to get by, and the rest is up to us.

I love the lyrics of the Doors, I feel such a kinship with him. I used to sit and listen to my Doors tapes for hours on end, or course usually by myself while drinking. Not the healthiest of things to do, but I'm still alive. This song also is right about the fact that all we do is sweat and save building for a shallow grave. So many people in this world are dead and don't even know it. They just worry about the material, the here and now, without really enjoying the things that truly make life worth living.

Part of the reason I'm sad, beside my usual Sunday malaise from Co and the kids going home is the fact I watched Armagedon last night on TV. I know it was mainly supposed to be an eye candy movie with lots of explosions, cools stuff, and manly man stuff, but it truly is a sad movie to me. One of the supporting casts members has a son that doesn't even know him. It hitrealized watching when I realised that my own son won't remember his dad. He was so little when I transitioned that he really won't have memories of me being his dad. I know it's great that I am still able to be in his life and still be a caring parental unit, but I still feel bad that I have rorealize son of a dad. I realise that the other option I had was much worse, I could have done myself in, and he would have no one. The whole thing does still makes me sad.

The other thing that main charecter sacrafices his own life in order to save the world. This really hit me hard. In my own male life I used to pray for my life to end this way. Not exactly to die saving the world, but saving someones life. I didn't want to transition, I didn't want to have to put myself and all my loved ones through the whole ordeal. For me it would be a greatway out and a plus if it was an horable one that was filled with self sacrifice. My suffering would have been over and done with, and I would have never to transition, and would have died happy being a man.

I don't want to make it sound like I had a horrible male life. Quite the contrary, I had a great life. Beautiful wife, nice house, killer job, two beautiful kids, I was in all aspects but one in 7th heaven. I just couldn't be happy with myself being who I was. I wish things could have been different, but as the song says "everything must be this way." For some reason, this was meant to be, and a much better fate than many other things that could have been thrown my way.

Hope you all had a great weekend, the weather was beautiful, and did spread some sunshine on my down demeanor.

Love to all, and g'night.