The stealth transperson and the hospital...

As some of you may or may not know I've been having some serious stomach issues lately. I finally decided to do something about it yesterday. I went and saw my gp who is great to say the least. He treated me pre transition, and has continued to give me great medical care after also. He treats me with respect, and such care, I can't ever imagine switching doctors. Anyway I told the nurse the problem, she proceeded to take my temp, I was running a fever. Didn't even know it, but of course when it feels like it's over 100 degrees who would notice a 99.9 fever? The doctor came in I told him my symptoms, he pressed on my stomach, and had a worried look on his face. He told me he could send me for a test, and if they couldn't get me in he thought it would be good for me to go to the er. I decided to go with the test since my crappy insurance has a $200 co pay for an er visit. They drew some blood, gave me the vials to take with me to the hospital and sent me on my way.

I got to the hospital, fearing that upon check in I'd have to explain why my ss# comes up with a different name. For a change I didn't have to. Either the change went into effect when I changed it with my doctor, or I just lucked out. I try to live a pretty stealth life, but it seems that goes out the window when it comes to going to the hospital. Having to explain why the ss# doesn't match, or having to tell them what meds you are on and why, or even during testing. Last night wasn't too bad. They didn't find anything, which is good in a way, but I still hurt, allot.

I called my Dr this am, and told him I was still feeling ill. After playing phone tag for a bit, they had me come up to the office. It was a fun ride, I hadn't eaten since 7 last night, and that wasn't a big meal. Oddly enough I wasn't hungry, which is sign enough to know I'm sick, this gal likes to eat, and eat often. The only effect I had from not eating was being light-headed, which makes a 35 minute ride through back country roads pure adventure. After I got there, he had me lay down again, and when he pressed on my stomach I just about jumped off the table. The pain had moved, instead of being concentrated near the gallbladder it was in my lower abdomen. He gave me another worried look, and said we need to send you for another test. So they gave me two lovely bottles of berrium sulfate to drink before my CT scan. It was nasty, apple flavored, but nasty. I choked down what I could of the vile liquid and killed time while I waited for test time.

I am not afraid of much in this world, but going back to this town gives me the willies. I only lived there for 11 years, but going back effects me so much. All kinds of crap starts flowing back to me. All the good memories, all the bad, memories of me having to struggle with this. The memories of bingeing and purging the clothes, the memories of guilt in hiding it from co. The awful feeling I had when I broke the news to her on that stormy November night. It is so darn hard for me to go back there, too many ghosts, my head turning always to make sure I don't see anyone I know. Like I said I try to live a stealth life, and moving away from this town made it so much easier on me. Yeah I sorta ran away from my problems in a way, but we all make sacrifices in this journey. Anyway, I had to kill two hours before the test, so I went down to my old fishing hole, and just chilled by playing my handheld chess/checkers game. I still haven't been beat playing checkers, but I haven't beat the computer in chess, yet. I had someone who looked familiar give me a second look, but I don't remember who he is, nor do I know if or why he was looking at me.

So I get up to the hospital, and wait some more. I then got called, and directed to a dressing room. I had to take off my shirt and bra, and put on a Jonnie. Now to most women this is an ordeal on it's own. Now add to this the fact that I use a little enhancement still on my flat chest to give me some curves. So I am walking around the hospital, flat chested, arms crossed trying to hide the fact, but just attracting more attention to me. They had me lay on the table, asked me a bunch of health questions, and ran an IV of the radioactive dye into my arm. Man I hate that shit, you start to feel warm all over, and within 2 minutes that warmth goes to the groin, and it feels like you pee'd your pants. I hate that feeling. Just as she was about to maneuver me into the machine she asks me the best question I've been asked in forever "any chance you might be pregnant dear?" "no" I told her, "there's no chance." She made up for all the bad feelings I had earlier, the ghosts seemed to go away. Of course part of the scan was on the pelvis, so I'm sure they saw the "growths" between my legs, that could verify the not pregnant thing.

I finished up and did the waiting game again. And like last night, nothing showed up on the test. They are thinking it is some sort of viral infection, and or I did have a gallstone that passed, which would explain the moving pain. It must have passed far enough to be out of sight for the test. I may still have to do some more tests. I am just going to take it easy, watch what I eat, see if I can figure any patterns, or triggers, and just wait. I just feel horrible they couldn't find what is wrong with me. I think not knowing why you hurt is worse than them finding something they can fix. Even if surgery were required, at least you'd know you aren't crazy, and the hurt is going to go away. I don't have that right now, hopefully the pain goes away, and I'm done with this. I'm tired of dealing with these little hurdles that keep coming up.

Oh well it could be worse, I am lucky in that I pass and don't get attitudes at the hospital. I have an understanding doctor to help me out. And I look ladylike enough to be asked if I am pregnant. Now if I can get rid of this "knife" stuck in my abdomen I'll be all set.

Love to all, and g'nite.